Kimmieh

I want to make this its own thread because I have been reading so many stories lately in which I hear my own voice from the past.

"I cannot leave him. I love him and want to help him."
"I love him and when I leave he has nobody."
"He is sick and needs my help."
"His troubled life is not his fault, so how can I punish him for leaving him?"

I have said all of this and much more along these lines over the years. I begged, coerced, raged, detached, loved, but nothing I did convinced him to seek help.

I ended our relationship two weeks ago and today I got a message from him that he is in rehab.

ichabod

The question is whether he is sincere with his recovery or if this is an attempt to get you back. I sincerely hope it's the former. Are you holding up ok?

Kimmieh

Yes, in fact I am doing very well and I am completely finished with this relationship regardless of how he fares in rehab. It's too late for us, but I hope he can make it work for himself.

My main thought was that my help and support just fed the addiction. Separating is so much healthier for both of us...

MsPINKAcres

so glad to know you are doing well and will be ok regardless!

keep taking good care of you!

pink hugs

honeypig

I just read this on another thread: For addicts, relationships are like throwing Miracle Grow on their character defects.

Sounds like there is some truth to that!

Sorry for all you have gone thru but congratulations on having gotten to where you are now!

ZenMe

I agree with this statement :O

nbay2013

Hi Kimmieh,

I have not read your history but it sounds like you had a long road to get where you are. Respect to you and anyone dealing with this intensely confusing life experience. I still am trying to wrap my mind around the hold my ex-ab had on me. I have never experienced anything like it. The compulsion to save him and the fear of losing him was crippling! It's been almost two months No Contact, and I my mind is just beginning to clear.

I am sending you a big hug.

choublak

Interesting how he thought you should know he's in rehab.

Hammer

wow. The Alananny Angels are right, once more. They Tell Me . . . .

"Don't worry, Honey. EVERYTHING is right where it should be, right now."

Sounds the same for you, too.

atalose

More will be revealed. Time will tell you where his focus really is. If he stays in rehab and puts the relationship on the back burner then maybe he's doing it for himself. But if begin receiving impulsive phone calls and text messages then his focus is on trying to keep things the way they were with him still using.

roxy68

Isn't that something. I recently left too and my AH is drinking more. He doesn't know I can see his credit card transactions and can see how often he goes to the liquor store. It is sad. I hope your A gets sober and lives a grand life. It seems we work so hard to get them sober but, as we have always been told, they are the only ones that can make that decision. It is frustrating and confusing when it takes such a drastic measure to get them to see and often times by that time it is too late to repair the damage done. I am stress free, no worries upon coming home, I am happy. Sadly, I don't miss him. I wish you all the best in your new life moving forward!

suki44883

So, he went to rehab. Big deal. Rehab is not a cure all. It all depends on his determination to get well. It has nothing to do with you, but yeah, I agree...it is interesting that he had to make sure you knew. At this point, I call it an attempt at manipulation.

NYCDoglvr

Here are the facts ......... most people don't stay sober. I hate to say only one in three people make it to a year. Add to that he is still the same person. Change is a very slow process. Is this what you want for your life?

Kimmieh

It might be an attempt at manipulation. In fact, I am sure it was at least in large part triggered by my leaving him. However, he is there now and it might do something good. If it doesn't, then it's his decision and I am no longer part of it. I haven't called him back because I don't want to be part of his life, alcoholism or recovery. I am too preoccupied with reclaiming what I lost in six years with an alcoholic (and before that six years with someone equally dysfunctional).

This relationship is over whether or not he gets sober.

Regardless of why he is in rehab, he is there now and never was when I was so convinced that he could never survive without me. I am reminded now how deluded I was in thinking that I could do anything to help.

suki44883

Maybe you leaving him was a wake-up call, but one can never be sure. I am an alcoholic and the consequences of my drinking didn't cause me to seek recovery. I hit bottom about two years before I finally decided that enough was enough.

In any case, I'm am glad to know that you are done with that relationship and I hope that he grasps onto recovery with both hands.

atalose

You have done some amazing recovery for yourself. You are no longer the person who locked yourself into a prison cell with the alcoholic thinking that was what love and relations were all about.

There is a whole new world out there waiting for you to embrace it. Keep moving in the direction your going and you will be just fine.

Hopeworks

What I learned after 4 years with my XA was that inpatient rehabs are just geography and not all rehabs are created equal. That being said, when the XA's world started falling apart because his chief enabler was curbing him he would make recovery "quacks" and check into rehab. Upon discharge he would attend meetings, get a sponsor and appear to be doing very well.

That scenario was replayed over and over and over again over our roller coaster relationship and I began to realize that relapses were really "relapse vacations" and once his resources bottomed out or he went to the hospital half dead or to jail he would switch hats to intense remorse, blame his disease (he is a true alcoholic in the worst sense) and start working his way back into my good graces with rehab, recovery etc...

My salvation came when the lightbulb finally went on in my head (I had been told this a thousand times here and in meetings and in counseling) that recovery doesn't "stick" unless they do it from the center of their soul, mind and body for the right reasons. A permanent break up with alcohol is catastrophic to the A and so the alcoholic dance/manipulations are just mind games.

Can he come to a psychic change in rehab? Of course it is possible but rehab is a geographic location not recovery guaranteed. Psychic change is rare, permanent change is rare and for those who love A's who end up with a Prince Charming that they were dreaming of are very, very blessed and fortunate persons.

My XA HAD been binging in Vegas and Laughlin for the past 7 months or so and is now detoxing and is on day 5. I just got the most beautiful email from him (he is blocked from all other contact) but the truth is it is most likely a temporary chapter in his life. I hope and pray not.... but A's love their alcohol and my dad died in his alcoholism and my brother is still drinking too.... sadly, MOST do not make it.

It is a fact. We have to accept that and because of that work on our own recoveries and leave our loved ones HP to deal with their recovery. Their freedom is within and when my XA was ready his HP had someone right there to help him detox.

Knowing that is freeing. It is not our responsibility and hovering, mothering and guilting is a hindrance to their figuring it out!

Mountainmanbob

usually the one with a troubled life
that is either a drunk and or addict
must bare at least part of the blame

when I was a kid I was beat often (way beyond a normal whipping)
but
was this a good reason to become a drunk and addict ??


Mountainman

dandylion

Hopeworks, thank you so much for your post. I think that "rehab" is so often seen as a magic bullet---resulting in a lot of disappointment for some folks---very EXPENSIVE disappointment.

dandylion