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Intrduction, advice...

Old 09-19-2013, 01:27 PM
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Intrduction, advice...

Hello I am new here. I discovered two days ago my husband has been secretly drinking. I feel the need to start at the beginning...
We began dating about 3 years ago. 6 months into dating we discovered we were pregnant. Stressful and unplanned but we moved in together and were happy together. That March 2011 he ruptured his Achilles. Def a dark time where he was obviously depressed. Around this time I had a suspicion that there was something he was not being truthful about re: finances as when we discussed he became very tense and agitated. When asked if there was something up he said no. I snooped through his stuff and found he was in the midst of filing for bankruptcy for back taxes. This developed some distrust, but after that I felt like he was being honest with me. I didn't snoop through his things much (maybe 3-4x in the 2 years since then) and found nothing. July our daughter was born and so began the craziness of life. At times he seemed moodier and distant but when we talked about it he discussed his stresses with a demanding work life (he works from home and is self employed), new fatherhood, etc. we are mostly happy, enjoying life.

September 2012. I discover I have an autoimmune disease after months of a lot of fatigue and other issues. The past year has been tough with me dealing with this, lots of ups and downs and often me fighting fatigue and struggling to work full time and take care of our daughter. But again mostly happy. Also in sept 2012 we discovered he had liver enzymes in the hundreds ( routine insurance testing). We were perplexed and tested hep b,c which were negative. We thought perhaps due to his blood pressure medication or his enjoyment of beer (1 20oz can most days of the week). He cut back and retested enzymes at the holidays and reported they had decreased.
We even got married a few months ago with our families there, daughter as flower girl, etc.

2 months ago I found about 10 empty 2 oz shooter bottles in the garage in a box of his stuff. I questioned it in my mind but felt they must be from a long time ago because I never see him drink or seeming drunk. The box was a mix of things he threw together when we moved in together a couple years before--and it appeared the box hadn't been touched since. I didn't bring it up to him. I had honestly just been cleaning the garage but I didn't want him to feel I was snooping.

A month ago (aug 2013) he was admitted to the ER due to stomach pain. We thought maybe appendicitis or gallstones. Both tests negative. His liver enzymes were in the thousands. Again, we were perplexed. I assumed their MUST be a gallstone that was so small they couldn't have seen. They sent him home and a few days later his pain was better. He stopped drinking. Maybe 3 beers since then (in front of me). He began dieting and swore off in and out burgers and greasy food.

Two days ago I was in his office resetting the modem. I had been feeling again he had something financial he was keeping and began snooping. I found a credit card bill from July (the month leading up to ER visit) that has $160 of liquor store visits (you can only buy liquor AT a liquor store here, so I know it wasn't groceries). We are talking EVERY day, many times two visits to two different stores (based on transaction date). One day had three visits. This is not counting possible cash transactions and his debit cards. We keep money separate and I don't have access to those. The only other statement I could find was January. That one had every 2-3 day visits, with more $ being spent than the can of beer he was drinking in front of me. But not like it was in July.

We talked about it. He admitted he had been severely depressed and using alcohol to cope. He says he drinks "high end tequila" and that's why the charges are so high. He often would get A beer to drink in front of me but secretly drink the hard alcohol. He has continued to drink since the ER visit. Says he keeps saying he will stop but is starting to think he can't on his own. Says it became worse after his Achilles rupture in 2011. Swears there is no other addiction or another woman (I had no real suspicions there were). I asked to see his bank account statements for August/September and he refused. Says he is embarrassed and doesn't want to rehash how bad it was just wants to "move forward". We discussed the idea if not ever drinking again and he said he didn't think he needed to go that far, but maybe just stop drinking until his enzymes become normal. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen him visibly drunk, and on the other hand the number of times I've seem him drink hard alcohol. No mysterious nights out.
I think he has been drinking like this in times of stress for awhile. I'd guess he has a higher tolerance for it due to this and that's why he doesn't seem out of control drunk. But if he has been drinking our whole relationship ... Times when I assumed his eyes were red because he was exhausted and said "oh honey you look exhausted you sleep in tomorrow I'll get up with the baby!" He was likely drinking.

He works from home. It is possible he drinks during the day while out daughter is at daycare (I work three days a week 12 hour shifts). He denied this. But I think he knows if he said yes there would be a whole new level to this. The truth is I don't know when he drinks. Sometimes he stays up late working after I've gone to bed. I'm home 4 days a week he could drink in his office while I'm busy with our daughter. He has been juicing lately he could be pouring liquor in his juice. He did tell me that the days he knew it was bad was when he wanted to drink earlier in the day and he would have to wait until work was done and felt himself looking forward to that drink. I don't *think* he is driving intoxicated with her in the car...but I don't feel like I know anything anymore.

He says he uses alcohol to relax. Shut his brain off. I think he feels like he isn't an alcoholic. I didn't disagree with him because at that point I was just trying to Listen, be supportive and ascertain what is going on.

We have an appt Monday (soonest I could get). A therapist. First an appt for him then a couples one for us together.

I feel there is something else he is hiding. Porn addiction, pills, more financial issues. He says their isn't.

Other than this...I thought we were happy. Busy working parents but we laugh together and hug daily. Now I realize he has been in secret pain and depression. Drinking to help. I feel like the worst wife in the world for missing this.

Thoughts and advice are appreciated. This is a whole new world for me that I know little about beyond horror stories of people dying from liver disease and crashing cars, physical abuse...I never really thought this could be me and my husband.
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Old 09-19-2013, 01:45 PM
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My first thought with him refusing to show you the money statements is...

HE's NOT READY TO COME CLEAN!

He's hiding. Whether it be something more or just hiding behind the truth, he is HIDING and his secret is coming out. Don't be surprised if he turns the corner, cuts you off and you find yourself in the midst of a monster. Why? Because you are now realizing what's going on, you're going to get more protective over your daughter's well being, your finances are tanking and you are coming between him and the drink.

An active alcoholic is going to go off the deep end once his bottle is out, front and center. You not knowing was the perfect storm for him. He was hiding. Lying. Drinking. You had no idea.

You will never be able to help him. NEVER. You can continue to live with this but it will get worse if you press the issue. Every time he gets sick and his enzymes go through the roof and you say, look at how much you're drinking... Welcome Round ONE. It goes into ROUND 7. It just keeps going.

Take care of you and baby. If he gets so sick, let him take care of him. You didn't make him drink, he did it himself.

Alcohol is a depressant anyway so him using it to treat depression is ridiculous. It makes the outcome worse.

Welcome. It's a messed up life. Put your seat belt on and read as much as you can here. It helps.
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Old 09-19-2013, 01:48 PM
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Hi and welcome. I am sorry you are in the situation you are in right now, it must feel like you have had the rug pulled out from under you. You are not the worst wife in the world by any means...not at all.

Do not for a moment blame yourself. I am an alcoholic myself who got sober last fall but started drinking again and hid it from my husband for almost 6 months before I fessed up and got sober for real this time. I took advantage of the fact that my husband is kind and trusting.

You are going to hear a lot about the 3 c's..you didn't cause it, you can't control it you can't cure it. The one thing you can do is protect yourself and set limits. Your husband is likely in damage control mode right now. What you do know? He is capable of looking you in the eye and not telling the truth. He is going to have to earn your trust. I would encourage you to look into a local al-anon meeting. Don't worry, most of us are your average joes, one in 10 people suffer from addiction and 25% of the population are affected by it, that is 1 in 4, you are not alone, I promise. welcome.
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Old 09-19-2013, 01:57 PM
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Hi refusetosink,

Welcome to SR.

That is a lot to happen in few years I understand that must be hard.

I am very sorry you are going through this, with a little girl it must be very tough.
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Old 09-19-2013, 01:58 PM
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You are not the worst wife in the world for not realizing this was going on. My husband has been drinking heavily for TEN YEARS, and I just realized a few months ago how bad it was when I found a huge stash of empty whiskey bottles in his workshop. Until then I believed him when he said he only drank beer. And even then, he managed to hide most of the empty beer cans from me. Alcoholics usually become very good at hiding the drinking. At hiding the expenditures at the liquor store. For so many years I had no idea how much he was really drinking. And I am an intelligent person. So please, don't feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong. You just want to think the best of your husband. It's natural.
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Old 09-19-2013, 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by refusetosink View Post
Says he is embarrassed and doesn't want to rehash how bad it was just wants to "move forward". We discussed the idea if not ever drinking again and he said he didn't think he needed to go that far, but maybe just stop drinking until his enzymes become normal.

But if he has been drinking our whole relationship ... Times when I assumed his eyes were red because he was exhausted and said "oh honey you look exhausted you sleep in tomorrow I'll get up with the baby!" He was likely drinking.

He works from home. It is possible he drinks during the day while out daughter is at daycare (I work three days a week 12 hour shifts). He denied this. But I think he knows if he said yes there would be a whole new level to this.

I don't *think* he is driving intoxicated with her in the car...but I don't feel like I know anything anymore.

We have an appt Monday (soonest I could get). A therapist. First an appt for him then a couples one for us together.

I feel there is something else he is hiding. Porn addiction, pills, more financial issues. He says their isn't.
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. It's awful. I hope you keep coming back, because this is such a wonderful resource and support system.

I just want to share my own experiences on a couple of things here...

My AH says he just wants to "move forward" all the time. That doesn't mean he's going to actually change at all. It really just means he doesn't ever want to have to talk about the lies, the bad behavior, etc., and essentially pretend like they never happened.

It is very, very likely that he is drinking A LOT more than you think or believe. That's just how it is with a lot of addicts. My AH is like this. My AH is VERY bad at hiding it, although he thinks he is great at it. For your own sake, you might consider just assuming he is impaired.

Regarding driving under the influence with your child in the car: in many states, penalties are doubled if you are pulled over for a DUI with a child in the car. Imagine the worst case scenario: Your husband is out with your child, is pulled over, and blows just over the legal limit. More worst case scenario: nobody can reach you, for whatever reason. Your husband ends up in jail til someone shows up to bail him out, and your child is sitting in the police station with a social worker until someone picks her up. (Of course, this isn't really the worst case scenario...WORST is someone is driving drunk with a child in the car, crashes, and the child is hurt or killed.) Especially when you're talking about children, and driving, I believe it is very important to be aware of the reality and the worst case scenario, and whether or not you're willing to risk it, ever.

Finally, about counseling...many marriage counselors are NOT trained in counseling an addict. Addicts are generally not rational, and traditional marriage counseling techniques are wasted on addicts. Check to see if your counselor is a certified addiction counselor. There are many marriage counselors who are certified, and such a counselor will have a lot more knowledge about how to deal with your husband and the way alcohol affects the relationship.
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Old 09-19-2013, 02:16 PM
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Finally, about counseling...many marriage counselors are NOT trained in counseling an addict. Addicts are generally not rational, and traditional marriage counseling techniques are wasted on addicts. Check to see if your counselor is a certified addiction counselor. There are many marriage counselors who are certified, and such a counselor will have a lot more knowledge about how to deal with your husband and the way alcohol affects the relationship.
[/QUOTE]

I can't emphasize this enough...it goes both for therapists and doctors. I live outside of NYC, I grew up with the disease and I have had to be diligent about being my own advocate. Many well intentioned doctors and therapists aren't well versed on addiction and alcoholism, it is a specialty.
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Old 09-19-2013, 02:30 PM
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My AH was very good at hiding it. My wakeup call was when, after coercing him into his first round of rehab, and not having seen him drink in over 12 hours despite being stuck to him like glue, he blew a .25 BAC at intake.

You could have picked my jaw up off the floor. Here was the man I loved, joking and laughing with the med techs, standing straight and tall and not appearing drunk in the slightest, and he shouldn't have been able to string together a sentence based on that number. I realized then that I was looking at the tip of the iceberg. Over time a lot of ugly truths came out.

I didn't snoop either, but when I knew what to look for, there were a lot of signs hiding in plain sight: drinking too much to cope, a lot of stories that didn't add up, always missing money, weird behavior around drinking, always finding ways to get away from the family for a cigarette or a run to the store or other odd errands. LOTS of time alone in the bathroom. I concur with the others that it is likely that he is hiding a lot from you, and that this is a giant red flag. Reconsider letting him drive your daughter around or watch her alone. When people told me this at first, I thought that was really crazy and dramatic. It also became the reason I'm divorcing my AH -- he could look me in the eye, smelling like vodka, trying to bathe our infant daughter, denying that he'd had a drink in a year. In hindsight, he put me and my children in harms way every day for years, and I didn't have the evidence to protect us from him. It's unforgivable.

Point blank, he says a lot of things. But what does he do? Stop listening to what he says, and start looking at what he does. Those gut feelings you have are connected with truth. I don't recommend following him around looking for his booze stash, but I do recommend thinking long and hard about why you chose to remain in a relationship with someone you fundamentally don't trust, and who doesn't think you deserve the truth about your life together.
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Old 09-19-2013, 02:42 PM
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Welcome refusetosink...

I just wanted to add my agreement to what Wisconsin & Jaynie said about counselors...look for someone with a CADC (Certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor). You should be able to review a counselor's specialty area(s) on your insurance company's provider look up, or one of the multiple internet provider finders.

This has been SO important in MY recovery process. My RAH was 17 years dry (we met & married in that time), and had his relapse almost 2 years ago. I was completely blindsided; I understood NOTHING about alcoholism. Luckily, I had experience helping employees find counselors/therapists that specialized in addiction so I knew to look for them.

And one more suggestion - go to Al-Anon. It is for you, it is not about your qualifier. There are generally multiple meetings a week, and they are also available on-line. Some do have childcare.
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Old 09-19-2013, 02:46 PM
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Two years ago when I discovered the bankruptcy there was distrust afterwards. In the two years since then anything he has ever told me has checked out financially. The trust began rebuilding. That's why I married him.

Two days ago I found out about the drinking. So...am I supposed to leave him now? Is there any hope? This isn't a boyfriend I've had for a few months. It's my husband and father of my kid. I know there is a point where I would have to say I can't stay with him. But I'm not sure where that is.

I get that I can't control him or cure him. Some alcoholics recover many don't....I am fully aware and scared shitless that this might end with us divorced and broken apart.

I don't know.
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Old 09-19-2013, 02:57 PM
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Breathe...first things first. Are you and your daughter safe? If you are not in any immediate physical/mental/emotional danger you do not have to make any drastic changes right away. Take care of the immediate needs of your daughter and yourself.

Divorce is not an absolute, but it is probably a possible outcome that you may want to leave on the table for a good long while.

Go to your counseling appointment on Monday and see how that goes. Begin educating yourself about alcoholism & its affects on the family. Read here at SR - the stickies at the top are especially informative. A good book many of us have read is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Try Al-Anon (at least 6 meetings).

One of the slogans that has helped me get through some tough moments where I felt my anxiety on high and that I felt pushed to do something was "don't just do something, stand there". One of the moderators often reminds us - is this something you have to solve by 8pm tonight? Most things do not need resolution that quickly. Take your time.

You have support here - read & post as much as you like. Hug your baby - take care of her and yourself.
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Old 09-19-2013, 02:59 PM
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Hi refuse, welcome. I'm glad that you are both going to therapy. I believe drinkers naturally develop a tolerance. That is why I quit, the amount keeps increasing. Also alcohol is a depressant. It doesn't help with depression. It makes it worse. Very best wishes to you dear.
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:02 PM
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Here's a suggestion, http://www.amazon.ca/Get-Your-Loved-.../dp/1592850812
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:24 PM
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Refusetosink, you got a lot of good advice here. I don't have much to add except a couple of links, one for Alanon meetings, which I also strongly recommend http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ and one to some Alanon literature Amazon.com: Books . (Your local library may have some of these books also--I was surprised how many were available at the library in my county.) Doing the reading will help you a lot in understanding the aim of the meetings. As mentioned above, they are for and about YOU, not your A.

I'd also like to second the recommendation to just breathe and get your bearings. This whole drinking thing kind of blindsided you, right? My A was a secret drinker also, for years and years and years. I never knew. When I found out, I felt as if I was standing at the edge of a cliff, and every new thing I found out was as if the cliff was just crumbling away at my feet....it was a horrible feeling.

Since I was in no financial or physical danger, the advice I got from wiser heads was to give things a year before making a big decision like divorce. The same may apply to you--just do your best to educate yourself about alcoholism and take in the reality of your situation for now. Go to Alanon, read and post here, and in time, your path will start to become clear.

Take care of yourself and your child. So sorry you find yourself in this spot.
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:10 PM
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It is super normal to be surprised that your spouse is an alcoholic. I didn't realize it with my XAW until she had a seizure and almost died!

That was when she was about 32. Now she is 44 and it has only gotten worse. She could die any time now.

It is like realizing you are having a bad dream which you cannot wake up from. Then you can't believe this is really happening to you. Then you get mad. Then you realize you are trapped. So you try all kinds of coping and survival mechanisms.

I have no answers. It's been good for my prayer life. It has made me humble. I don't know anything, especially not about alcoholics and why they destroy themselves and everything connected to them.

It is depressing yet people do make the best of it. For me it took 18 years until I moved out, and my life has been much more SANE ever since. Sad for my lover killing herself before my eyes wasting away from drinking, but more sane because end stage alcoholics are completely delusional.
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:26 PM
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My moods seem to go up and down a lot. This evening a kind of realized yes this is a ****** situation. But if worst happens and this ends in divorce, I have an amazingly supportive family and friends who will be there unfailingly. I keep reminding myself I am not alone.

Is there a typical first step for recovery? Going to a good counselor....is it common to do rehab or outpatient therapy or detox center? When is that sort of thing warranted?
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:36 PM
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refusetosink;

Yeah, you just found out and it's going to take awhile to come down from the shock of it. Your story is similar to my story, but without a child and husband. I was so shocked to find out the months of caring for my Ex-AB, i.e. high blood pressure, sleep apnea, migraines, stomach issues, etc etc were all caused by to his secret life of drinking. He drank between 10 p.m and 1:00 a.m. It's taken me a long time to not think there was something wrong with me for not getting what was going on. I trusted him; why wouldn't I? Being on this forum for two months has given me so much peace. I found out how common hiding drinking is and it's not your fault.

As far as the issue of trusting him with your daughter? I would frame it the following way in your mind for now. If you found out he had a brain injury that caused him to get dizzy and pass out, both you and your husband would absolutely not let him drive, much less drive your daughter around. In fact, if you have an unexplained bout of unconsciousness, in California your license will be suspended until a doctor approves getting it reinstated. So for right now think of it as a disease he has no control over. If he is sincere about recovery he will understand and support your concern about safety issues; just as if he has untreated epilepsy. He needs treatment and time will tell if he is on board with recovery.

In the meantime, welcome and I am sending you a big hug,

Carrie
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Old 09-20-2013, 06:30 AM
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What CarryOn and HoneyPig said.

I decided to take a year to figure it out -- and actually I took about two years. During this time my AH was dipping a toe in recovery, and my line was that as long as he was attending meetings and not drinking, that I would support him. I meant it! I was so in love with him, and part of me still is. Unfortunately he continues to struggle with sobriety. At SR, some people learn how to stay with drinking partners, some A people get sober and stay that way, some people leave. I had to leave because his individual pattern was unsafe and put me and the kids at risk of financial and bodily harm.

Like everyone else has said -- it was a shock because I trusted him. Why wouldn't I have trusted him?! You know? The depth and breadth of the lies was devastating at first. Over time I began to understand the lies, and the picture got clearer. It was like being handed a bag of puzzle pieces you didn't know you were missing, and when you put them together, you get a picture you certainly weren't expecting. The shock, surprise, betrayal, it's all normal and a healthy reaction to an unhealthy situation.

For myself, I got heavily involved in individual counseling and read everything I could about addiction and its effects on the self, the family, the system, everything. I took the SR/Al-Anon tenets to heart and started focusing on my own happiness and well-being, and my kids' happiness and well-being. What my AH wanted to do with his life -- or not -- kind of fell off my radar.
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