Wisconsin

And you know what? Even if the A really DOES mean what they say when they are raging at you while wasted...it doesn't mean those things are TRUE. Feelings AREN'T facts. Maybe my AH really does think I am a piece of sh*t loser sometimes. I really don't care. I know I'm not a piece of sh*t loser.

Just something to keep in mind...

KKE

Some people do say the truth comes out when youre drunk don't they? I think it is possible for an A to tell the truth/person who's drinking and/or taking drugs to tell the truth. Just their truth probably isn't my truth so I guess to me that makes it b*llocks!

Katiekate

Google projection.

It explains it all.

unindated

Projection is a defense mechanism that involves taking our own unacceptable qualities or feelings and ascribing them to other people.

Exactly what my AF would do to me and what in the end led to her pushing me away

DreamsofSerenity

I love this thread..My ex's favorite nightime activity was getting wasted and writing me a bunch of really mean text messages. He called me a phoney too! And a coward, a person with no hope of ever being happy, and on and on. I don't think I am either a phoney or a coward, and I knew at the time he was projecting, but I agree with Zen, the hurtful messages really start to take a toll after a while.

It wasn't that I believed what he was saying about me, it was the sole fact he was saying it in the first place that was so destructive to my self esteem. And the reason for this was because I was letting him do it! I was repeatedly exposing myself to his toxic behavior and didn't care enough about myself to remove myself from the relationship. So really it wasn't HIS behavior, it was MINE that destroyed my self esteem. It was the message I was sending myself that it was okay to allow someone to treat me that way. ( I just figured that all out while writing this.)

Sorry to go OT. To answer the original question, I do not think alcoholics tell the truth when they are drunk. I don't think they ever tell the truth. All the things my ex used to say to me were really about him. He is the coward who won't fight his disease. He is the phoney whose entire life is a lie about his drinking, and he is the one who will never be happy as long as he is drinking.

DreamsofSerenity

I think this is important. Maybe it is the truth to them in their warped, diseased reality, but is it really the truth? NO!

Wavy

I think some of it is true and some of it is not. I know AXBF said things about me drunk he didn't mean sober, but also said things to me drunk he didn't have the confidence to say to me sober, but still meant very much. The thing is there is no sure way to tell which is which when someone is drunk, so its safer to disregard it all. If someone doesn't have the respect for me to talk to me about it sober, quite frankly I'm not interested in hearing it, however much they mean it.

NYCDoglvr

It's safe to assume that he is not telling the truth. Don't let him manipulate you any longer.

faithnhope

dont ever take it personaly...my partner deflects all his personal issues with himself onto me...its my fault he drinks, its my fault that he couldnt say no, its my fault he cant stand to be around me, if it werent for your ( "my" ) issues his life wouldnt be so "Hard"...... little do they realise, it isnt that "easy" or "fun" living with someone who is ruked by a substance to the point that my family is suffering.....honestly, if you are no longer with him, then please love yourself enough to not go back.......my partner is slowly starting to see how badly it effects him, he is getting help and I will "support" him during his struggles, triumphs, victories, set backs and all ( as long as I see him making the effort for himself)

Croissant

No one has to take abuse from anyone, regardless of whether they are an alcoholic or not. Lots of sober people are mean and cruel also.

I'd say don't waste your time asking yourself why your alcoholic does the things they do and why can't they just give up alcohol. It would be good to consider what you can do for yourself without your addict/alcoholic....don't old back your own chance at happiness by making it dependant on what someone drunk or using, or not, says!

fairlyuncertain

Great advice. I stopped asking myself if he really MEANS what he says. I started asking myself "do I want to spend my life in a relationship with someone who SAYS things like that?"

Ask the right question and the answers become clear immediately!

LightInside

More projection. Who is more phony than a drunk? You never get the real person.

WeTheLiving

I am reminded of author Don Miguel Ruiz and The Four Agreements, the second Agreement is this one:

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

hopegone

It took me a very very long time to not believe all the very painful things said to me!! It was said so much I started really believing these awful things, I was convinced! But then as I regained my stable ground, & would prove to myself he was wrong by my own actions & behaviors, I saw that no matter who or how I was he still saw what he saw in the mirror ..... It wasn't me. Now if he starts in, I can care less, I know better and I lay my own head down at night knowing who I am what my own soul is about, my actions match my words, and his are just that ......... Words!!!

thislonelygirl

Sometimes I think yes and sometimes no
Why?
I say yes because they say it....when your drunk your more likely to say what's on your mind or how you feel.

I say no because drunks can interpret situations past or present incorrectly...back in the day I was mean once or twice and it made absolutely no sense or I felt like that but only not like that. Example I thought my friend was a b*** and I told her that...the next day I thought. I dont think she is but sometimes she can be lol. Ofcourse everyone can be.



Is it how they really feel or is it just an over reaction to how they feel?
I dunno. I like to think number 2.


If you can recall the times youve been drunk and done or said something stupid or mean....
It kind of puts it in perspective that it is number 2..
The only difference imo between us and an alcoholic when it comes to no.2
Is that we grow up...learn to handke our alcohol. Not drink so much or so often and we think before we speak. An alcoholic cannot do that therefore they nevervdo and they continue to batter with woth wirds and actions. .