How do I help my boyfriend?

Old 09-18-2013, 08:42 AM
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How do I help my boyfriend?

A little background on my story. I married the man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life we had 2 beautiful children but my fairy tale ended 4 years ago when he had an affair. Recently I have been seeing one of my ex-husbands friends. Mind you they have not spoken in many years he was a groomsmen in my wedding and that was probably one of the last times I saw him which was 13 years ago until I ran into him a few months ago. At the time I got married he had already been married for 5 years. After running into each other we wanted to keep in touch a text or call once in awhile. Nothing bad just talking and small chit chat about stupid things because I knew that he was married. One night I got a call from him asking if he could come over and hang out with me. He ended up sleeping over on the couch and I thought this was a little weird since he was in fact married. He never talked about his marriage when I first ran into him I told him I got divorced because he cheated and he then told me that his wife did as well and they were trying to work it out so I thought nothing of it never asked. Until one day I had made a comment jokingly because he stated he was stressed out and his daughter was leaving for college and he was going to be alone. I asked him how that was possible because of his wife. He then told me that they were not working on their marriage he had kicked her out a year ago because he lost all trust in her but his daughter stayed with him. And how at that point he began to drink more and more. I didn't see him often up until this point but every time I did he was drinking never drunk just always had a beer in his hand. Over the course of the last couple of months we have been together non stop. He's a wonderful man we will just lay there and he will just stare at me holding me telling me i'm beautiful and how lucky he was to be there because he doesn't deserve me etc. And I am catching myself falling for him. Like I said he's never drunk probably because he's just immune to the alcohol or something because he remembers everything we talk about down to the smallest detail. But it bothers me that he is always drinking and it scares me he gets behind the wheel and he has let me do the driving recently because it worries me. We talked and he wants help he wants to stop drinking he knows he's an alcoholic. Well last night he got upset he did not want to drink at all he didn't have a taste for it and he was up all night long with bad anxiety and dripping with sweat and he couldn't take it anymore. So I need to know what to do how I can help him. I do not drink so this is all very new to me i will not bail on him I am here to help him in any way I can I just need guidance on how to start this. Where to go etc.
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Old 09-18-2013, 08:56 AM
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Michelle, it sounds like alcohol withhdrawl is the probable cause. He should see a doctor immediately or go to an emergency room if he can't see a dr. quickly.

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Old 09-18-2013, 01:01 PM
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First Michelle, learn the 3 C's. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. He's an alcoholic. Sadly, although we all want to step in and "help" our A's...there is NOTHING we can do about their choice to drink or get sober. The worst thing we do is get involved trying to get them sober and ultimately enable their addiction.

I agree with dandylion. Sounds like in his attempt to not drink for a day, he is experiencing physical withdrawals. That tells me he's drinking more than you think he is, and he now has a physical dependency. He needs medical help, detox, to get through that safely. He can check with his health insurance for detox services, or go to an ER. But HE has to do those things....don't make the mistake of doing it for him.

IF he commits to sobriety, he has a long road ahead of him. Take a long hard look at what you're signing up for here. Read the sticky's at the top of this page, and read these posts. There are red flags all over this thing. You're ex cheated, well the A cheats as well...with their drug of choice. They will lie, manipulate, cajole etc to keep their addiction going. He already lied to you about working on his marriage. You don't know the truth behind their break up, it's likely she dealt with this as well.

What can you do to help him? You may not understand what I'm about to say, but stay on here and you will eventually. If you want to help him....get out of his way. Don't throw yourself into this situation, it doesn't help. If he wants sobriety, it's important that he do the work to get there. He needs to experience the consequences of his choices, don't step in to soften things.

Most importantly, take care of YOUR health. You don't want to bail on him...don't bail on you. Get to Alanon, and get educated about what you're up against. If you do choose to need to know what you're up against in life as you move forward.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, that's not my intention. But it doesn't help you to sugar coat this thing.
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Old 09-18-2013, 01:20 PM
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What can you do to help him? You may not understand what I'm about to say, but stay on here and you will eventually. If you want to help him....get out of his way. Don't throw yourself into this situation, it doesn't help. If he wants sobriety, it's important that he do the work to get there. He needs to experience the consequences of his choices, don't step in to soften things.
Agreed. You get out of his way and let him experience the consequences of his choices. If you don't want to experience the consequences of his choices, you need to get out of his way too. In my case that meant detaching, and later, calling it quits on the relationship. He is still experiencing consequences from his drinking, and I had to minimize the effects of his choices on myself and our children.

Read the stickies:

This one post was the most helpful to me when I first started this journey. I hope it helps you as well:
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Old 09-18-2013, 01:57 PM
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Michelle, I have to agree with all that is said here....

You say you see him with "a beer" but never drunk. Two things to be aware of here: One, he may be drinking more--A LOT MORE--than you know or see. It's very very common for A's to hide the extent of their drinking. Second, everyone can see and notice the loud, obnoxious, staggering, puking drunk. Pretty obvious. However, many of us here have A's who we never suspected drank alcoholically. They titrate their alcohol use so carefully and control their actions so tightly--it is possible for them to consume amazing amounts of alcohol and no one can tell unless they overshoot by accident.

He told you that he has been drinking more and more. You can see he is unable to quit w/o having physical symptoms. He has an unclear story of what happened in his previous marriage other than that it involves cheating.

He is showing you who he is right now. Do you want him exactly as he is? Not his potential, not who he could be, but the guy who cheated on his wife, the guy who has almost certainly been hiding his drinking from you, the guy who has a bad enough habit that he goes into withdrawal? Bear in mind that YOU cannot "love him into sobriety." Getting sober is something he must want and must do for himself.

Take some time, do some reading here. Educate yourself about alcoholism. Then decide if you still want to hop on the crazy train and experience for yourself the pain and betrayal that life with an active A will bring or if you'd rather disengage for now and see what happens later, when he can show you a year of good solid sobriety.
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