Tuffgirl

My favorite blogger at SR, CynicalOne, has another excellent read which can be found here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...on-addict.html

It makes me think about when I first came here, and the newbies whose threads I post on regularly. I remember the confusion I felt at being told I needed to "detach" and find "acceptance" and "work on me" and holy cow - I am struggling with a very angry, bitter, blame-storming drunk and I need to focus on me? What?!! I am just trying to defend myself and keep my head above water as I am watching all my dreams and hopes for this new family of mine swirl down the toilet.

But when it finally dawned on me that I choose this, is when things began to turn for the better again. By admitting that I am choosing this, I was able to regain the power I had given to my A. And with some chagrin, because I did that, too, albeit subconsciously.

Take your power back. The first step is admitting your addiction. It's not him (or her) causing this for you. It's you choosing this. You have other choices.

What a concept!! Now, looking back on it in the aftermath of a divorce and over a year of no contact, I can say I have changed exponentially as a person, as a woman. Love doesn't look like this. It doesn't rip your heart out and beat you down to the floor. That isn't love. And giving someone else power over me and my life will never happen again. Because I choose that, too. Which means I can also choose not to.

TWWALTR,
~T

m1k3

Great post TG. It worked the same way for me as well.

Isn't it funny that the only way to regain your power is to let go of the power you think you have?

Your friend,

ShootingStar1

Wow, Tuffgirl and Mike, those are profound insights.

ShootingStar1

martina12

Wow TG thank you so much for your post. I am struggling as my AH left a couple of months ago and I have watched all our hopes and dreams go down the toilet. I am still trying to accept that for him a vodka bottle a day was far more important than a loving family with 2 wonderful children.
I am struggling to accept that vodka is on his pedestal and not me anymore. I just somehow have to accept that the man I loved so dearly is no longer the same man. It is so hard but to hear of success stories like yours TG really help so much. Thank You!

Tuffgirl

It is freakin amazing when that realization finally sinks in. Truly a life altering epiphany!!

Argnotthisagain

Great post, TG

I'm finding that among other things, it's the fear of The Emptiness that drives the desperation to hang on to someone who replicates the dynamics we grew up with. My T gave the example of someone who compulsively cuts themselves: because it's better than The Emptiness. We cling to pain and crumbs because it's better than infinite loneliness, we think.

Long slog up but I'm growing!

Wisconsin

This is so true. And many of us can look objectively at a cutter and wonder "HOW on earth does that person think that cutting him/herself is better than feeling nothing?!?" When in fact, we are cutting ourselves, too. Just in a different way, but for the same reason.

OhBoy

When I realized I had a choice in everything, it was very empowering. It had never occurred to me that I had a choice but when I realized I did, it was like someone took the blanket off my head. Truly an awakening. Thank you for the post, A good reminder that we always have a choice.

ZenMe

Thanks for sharing! I'm really enjoying the clarity and just the way my body/mind feels when I reach these epiphanies, hope and dreams vs worry and frustration.

Recovering2

GREAT post Tuffgirl! We discussed this in my Alanon meeting the other night. I realized (after a lot of self work) that I made the choice to stay where I was in the chaos. No matter what my A did or didn't do, I had to own my behaviors and my choices. If I chose to continue down the path I was on with my A, then I had to own that as MY decision and choice.

I chose to take a new path. It was really scary at first, and I didn't see how it could work out. But it did. I continue to see that happen for others as well. Even if the A doesn't change, our lives can change for the better. It's a choice we have to make.

Thanks for sharing this Tuffgirl.

Zora1990

Amen, TG! It was scary at first for me to accept my own power--to realize that I had a choice, that I was not just a spectator in my own life. Accepting the power to set boundaries (and to detach and go no contact with my axbf) not only set me free from the painful mess that was our relationship, but also from all kinds of ways I was letting myself be pushed around in other areas of my life. Friendship, school, work, family, you name it. I have boundaries now. And I am also more respectful of the boundaries of others as a result It's a win-win. Thank you for your insightful post!

Linkmeister

When I had the same epiphany, it was like someone unlocked the chains that had been around me since I became involved with the A in my life. Those chains-I put on myself, by choice and it was up to me to unlock them. I did that by walking away from the A and starting my own journey towards healing. For the first time in my life, I made choices for me, not someone else. I owned up to the choices I had made, took responsibility for them and in doing so, could move forward. It was scary, there was a lot of fear at first, but it was all worth it.

As of now, I have moved from West to East to be closer to my family. I made that decision not based on running away from the chaos of living with an A, it was based on sound, rational choices. There have been some challenges here, again, I know I made that choice and I have to live with it. Being honest with myself when it comes to owning up when I have to has been the greatest discovery I have made and a tool I can use when I struggle.