my boyfriend is a monster when he drinks

Old 09-17-2013, 11:32 AM
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my boyfriend is a monster when he drinks

Hi, I'm new here but I see a lot of posts relating to my own experience.

We met in September 2010 while volunteering at a local crocodile sanctuary. we were together for about a year before he broke it off due to constant arguing. We remained friends and he encouraged me to date other people. Needles today I was devastated when he left me and I remained hopeful for us. By February of 2012 I was dating someone and when he found out he went insane. accused me of cheating on him and treated me as if I did. We stopped talking and eventually I made the phone call in October that year to reconsile our friendship. He was excited and we have been pursuing our intimate relationship since. when he came back around he was on the path to sobriety and even stopped drinking for months. We never fought once during this time. he was sweet, happy, attentive and great to my son. he sees him as his own anyway. now he's drinking daily again, it begins in the mornings most days "to cure his hangover he must drink a beer" or " his sugar levels are low" therefore he needs beer. We can be having the best day or night and out of the blue the smallest issue can ensue a lengthy emotional and mentally abusive rant towards me. Names and insinuations I've never had thrown at me. he harbors a lot of anger at me for dating someone months after we ended. I've been called everything from "c***, liar, bitch, prostitute, manipulative, emotional, sensitive, psycho...you name it. He often tells me during these rents that's I've trapped him and forced him back into a relationship and he is so much happier without me. this past weekend was the worst and I'm scared. I'm pregnant and my son is involved. I was in denial for so long that now I feel trapped. is there hope for people like us? I don't want to leave him when he needs me the most. ): but I need my sanity back. I shouldn't be second guessing myself this way.
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Old 09-17-2013, 12:05 PM
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May I ask what the hell he needs you for other than calling you a ****, bitch, *****, ****, protitute among other things? The only thing it seems he's done is get you pregnant. He did say you trapped him right? A drunk will always tell the truth.
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Old 09-17-2013, 12:24 PM
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Welcome hissy crissy but sorry for the reason you are here and I am sorry you are going through this. You will get lots of support here and yes there are stories like yours here. First thing many people hear on this site is the three C's you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. What you can do is get help for you and your son and your baby that is on the way, congrats on that by the way. You can educate yourself about alcoholism and as you may already know or have read it is a progressive disease so if your partner does not seek sobriety things will get worse. There is help and support and hope out there for you if you want it. Alanon was a godsend for me and through that I am regaining sanity and getting hope and happiness back in my life. Other things have worked for other people. It is scary and lonely being with an active drinker and more so when there are children involved. You can't help him, he has to do that for himself but you can help you and you can get strong to the point where you can decide what you will accept and what you want in your life and you don't have to accept a situation that frightens you. Nobody deserves to live in fear. Take some time to read on here. Get to an alanon meeting if you can. Call on friends and family for support. You don't have to face this alone and you do have choices. Look out for yourself and your children and make sure they have one strong sane supportive loving adult in their lives. Be kind to yourself and best of luck.
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Old 09-17-2013, 12:24 PM
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I'm pregnant and my son is involved.
I don't want to leave him when he needs me the most.
Looks like you have your priorities upside down. Your son and the baby you are expecting need you the most. He is an adult and can get his own **** together. It's only one step from verbal abuse to physical abuse: what would you do if he flipped out and pushed you or kicked you in the belly while drunk? Do you think witnessing a drunk calling his mom a Ho' is a good example for your son and that this man is a good role model? Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is ok to call his gf/wife all kind of nasty names?
Think: If I was the one posting that I am pregnant and that the drunken father is abusing me and that my son is involved, what advise would you give me?
Hopefully you would tell me this is not acceptable, well apply the same standards to yourself. Set your priorities straight and be kind to yourself.
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Old 09-17-2013, 12:38 PM
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Every post in reply is correct. so why can't I completely sever this relationship? Why do we keep coming back to each other time after time? Everyone else who knows me has only good things to say about me and that I don't deserve this. But like a coward I can't find my way out and my own happiness. My son is 7 and has heard the insults and I'll do anything to avoid that again. And now I'm stuck with a baby of his that I'm sure he will question anyway. He is a very testosterone-full person and rage filled. Idk I'm just lost. Somedays I'm his everything the rest I'm lucky to even hear a hello
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Old 09-17-2013, 12:41 PM
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Your son, you and your coming child deserve better than this.

The thought that you do not want to leave him when he needs you the most, that is not the thought you should be having. I got tiered when I read that and thought “My goodness dear what are you doing towards yourself.”

Charlotte is right – you have got the priorities upside down.

Please take care.
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Old 09-17-2013, 12:51 PM
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It is a cunning disease and you are not the only person to have accepted bad behaviour from an alcoholic partner, I have and many other people here have also. Beating yourself up about it is not helpful. Have you heard of or read codependent no more by melody Beatty? That helped me to see what parts of my behaviour were contributing to the situation and to start working on me and getting boundaries in place. Start from now to do things you can be proud of. Put some things in place that will help the situation. Make sure you and your children are safe. You know it's not good if your son hears you being disrespected so what can be done about that. Be gentle with yourself but protect yourself and your children. Do you have family or friends that can help you? Keep safe.
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Old 09-17-2013, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by hissycrissy View Post
Every post in reply is correct. so why can't I completely sever this relationship? Why do we keep coming back to each other time after time?

Just a guess, but possibly, because you are sick too. You are as addicted to the addict as he is to his alcohol. The next step is to get help for YOU, so YOU can start to recover and make positive changes.
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Old 09-17-2013, 01:00 PM
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He doesn't need you the most right now...he needs sobriety and real recovery. As co-dependents we always make the mistake of thinking the A "needs us". You have no control over whether he seeks sobriety or not, and it's not your job to make sure he gets sober.

You keep going back to him because, IMO, nothing changes. YOU have to go through your own recovery from this. Staying away from him is not recovery, just like not drinking that beer is not recovery for the A.

You have 2 children to protect, your son has an abusive alcoholic for a male role model. Is that what you would choose for him? It IS what you have chosen for him, but you can change that....starting now.

Find AlAnon near you and start going, commit to it. Many groups have childcare. Read all the sticky's at the top of the page. Get "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie and read it. Call a local Domestic Violence hotline and learn what resources they have available for you....they have a lot!

You're not married....you can get out of this. Talk to the DV hotline and make a plan before things escalate. This is a progressive disease...you have not seen the worst of him yet. With a new life on the way, you can't afford to wait around.

BIG hugs, keep posting...we're here for you.
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Old 09-17-2013, 01:00 PM
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He doesnt need you, he needs AA. Only he can make the decision to do something about his drinking. Your life will likely continue to be hell as long as you are with him.
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Old 09-17-2013, 01:52 PM
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So in a sense this is my fault? My fault for staying? He does have issues but does that mean I need to abandon him when he truly needs support and help to get sober? What kind of person would abandon the person they love and who loves them because they are sick?
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Old 09-17-2013, 02:00 PM
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Oh sweetie,
If sticking around and not abandoning our alcoholic loved ones was the key to them getting better this board wouldn't exist.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I understand being with someone who becomes a monster when he drinks. I get it. I also understand why it feels like you are abandoning him. There is a possibility that this could progress to a point where you are in real danger. At that point, you may see it as saving yourself, rather than abandoning him. I hope for you and your child(ren), it doesn't come to that.

Those three C's can be powerful when they sink in.
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

There are some great resources available to you so you can get a better understanding of what you are dealing with and what it means to be sick with codependency. There are some great stickys at the top of this board as a start. I would also recommend Melodie Beatty's "Codependent No More."

Another great idea is to keep posting here. I have learned so much and received such wonderful support from these amazing people.
Take good care of you...your babies need you.

Hugs,
MamaKit
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Old 09-17-2013, 02:06 PM
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Originally Posted by hissycrissy View Post
So in a sense this is my fault? My fault for staying? He does have issues but does that mean I need to abandon him when he truly needs support and help to get sober? What kind of person would abandon the person they love and who loves them because they are sick?
Nope, nobody is saying that. It's not uncommon for someone new here to react exactly like you're doing and to hear accusations when none are intended. It's NOT your fault for staying or in any other way. Not your fault he drinks. Not your fault he won't stop. Not your fault you're confused and scared.

What people are trying to get you to hear is that all the love and support in the world will not "help him get sober." If love was all it took, this forum would not exist. It's not that people here don't love their A's. It's that an active A will do and say anything in order to keep the addiction going, and until HE sees a reason to get sober, he won't. Love and support won't do a damn thing to help; he can't hear or feel it.

Folks here tend to talk pretty straight, so please don't take offense. The wisdom being shared is born of bitter experience. None of us wanted to find ourselves here either. All of us had the same feeling of our world being turned upside down. All of us have made ourselves crazy trying to fix/help/support our A's. You are NOT alone in your situation. You're also not different, whether you want to believe that or not (and many of us DID believe we were different and superior when we first came here--WE loved our A more, WE could do what the rest of the folks here couldn't, WE could LOVE our A enough to get him sober!) Guess what? We found out we were no different at all.

Anyway--it's a lot to process. I hope you can read a lot on this board. You'll see a lot of stories that might look eerily familiar to you. The more you educate yourself about alcoholism, the better you'll be able to understand what is happening and the decisions you'll need to make as time goes on.

I would also like to strongly suggest Alanon, as I think others have done already. SR is a wonderful community, but there are some advantages to having some real-world resources and support also. Please consider this too.

Hang around, read, learn and post. We've all been where you are now. We get it.

ETA: You are right, he is sick, but he is also not getting any help, is he? What would you think about a diabetic who didn't take their meds? A cancer patient who refused treatment? He/she is someone who doesn't want to take care of him/herself and get better, right? How is the A different?
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Old 09-17-2013, 02:35 PM
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If he wants to get sober, he'll find the help on his own. It's hard to grasp that we can not do it for them by being there, loving them, supporting them. All we do in our efforts is hinder them.
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Old 09-17-2013, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by hissycrissy View Post
So in a sense this is my fault? My fault for staying? He does have issues but does that mean I need to abandon him when he truly needs support and help to get sober? What kind of person would abandon the person they love and who loves them because they are sick?
My AXBF stayed drunk through six years of our relationship while I tried everything to help and support him. When I left him, he actively sought rehab.

We are not helping them. We are enabling them and losing ourselves along the way.
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Old 09-17-2013, 04:08 PM
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My stbxah told me i got pregnant to trap him also.
Then he locked me pregnant, our 6 month old son, and my 5 year old in a bedroom. He used my pregnant stomach as a punching bag and left the room to get a knife. I took my kids and crawled out of a window in the snow and ran to a neighbor for help......the anger progresses.

Put your kids first! Let him care for his self.

I left my ah in december and i still feel the pain every day, but guess what? My kids are safe and they have peace and stability...get help for you and take care of your kids first and foremost.
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Old 09-17-2013, 04:18 PM
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hissycrissy, you are being abused---and you (and the children) are in danger. This type of rage in an actively drinking alcoholic is at the root of domestic violence--the type that ends in injury or homocide. This will not get better, and will likely get worse as the delivery time draws near.

This is not about love. When alcoholism is active--love is not the first priority--the mind is altered. You can't do anything about that. Love doesn't call you derrogatory names and threaten and frighten you.

Your "love" for him has not changed him--nor will it ever change him. The more you try to show love--the more he will punish you for it. Those of us who have been in your shoes know this.

Please take this seriously and contact the local domestic violence center and tell your story to one of the workers. The will help you in confidence. They also have the resources that you are going to need at their disposal.

You need to get away from this guy before something terrible happens--before it is too late to save your children.

Will you please consider this?

very sincerely,
dandylion
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Old 09-17-2013, 05:23 PM
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Originally Posted by funkynassau View Post
He doesnt need you, he needs AA.
Exact same words my therapist told me about my husband.

If sticking around and "helping" them worked, there would be no alcoholics.

L
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Old 09-17-2013, 05:27 PM
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No this isnt your fault. You need to realize it's up to him to get to the point where he's had enough and wants to get sober. You cant do this for him, it's his call when he finally reaches that point.

This isnt about abandoning him, it's about you and your kids taking care of yourselves, doing what's right for you. Al Anon can help you with that.

It's his job to hopefully want sobriety in his life, not yours. You can support him all you want but he's going to do what he wants to do and you unfortunately cant help him with that. His brain doesnt work the way yours does. Take care of yourself and kids, it's up to him when he's had enough of his drinking and it's consequences, he doesnt see this the way you do.
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Old 09-17-2013, 05:28 PM
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WHAT A NUTCASE!


YOU didnt FORCE him to be with you. He doesnt have chains on him or held in a dungeon.
He LEFT YOU and as soon as you are with someone else he throws a fit and wants you back?
This is such classic abusiveness.
Your property to this nutcase. It sounds like the only person he cares about thinks about or even loves is himself otherwise his goal is to mind screw you and abuse you . Which is what it is. Abuse. .
Sure he might have mental issues.. sure he might be a gaga alcoholic
But end of the day hes making statements against the woman he is having a baby with. Regardless he can leave whenever he wants. Its not fair to you for him to toy with you like this and blame you for HIS stupidity.

Its not uncommon for alcoholics to lose their minds (they drink them away after all) and it is a drug....they can act like any other addict and its not uncommon for an alcoholic to blame others and talk bs. Its not but it still doesnt make it ok. It doesnt matter if hes sick or just drunk because it still happens.
No matter the circumstances it doesnt erase what hes saying or doing.
My ah has said the same thing . Even to other women. Yeaaa...bs!
You know what I did??? I left and I was gone for two months. He did get sober. He didnt stay sober but I dont regret leaving. He was wrong.
Ive been called names also and I will say this.....
You cant help someone at the expense of yourself....even if you could help him.
You are worth more. If he ever gets dangerous leave. Because you ARE worth more and what he needs is irrelevant because what you need is a partner and father for your kids.
Hes not acting like either.
Put you and your kids first. I know its hard because your probably a very reasonable loving mature person. I am too but it can also lead to codie like problems as well.
Use that loving caregiving nature on yourself and kids.
Youll feel a whole lot happier and healthier if you take him out of the equation. Hes a grown man...heay be acting like a child but hes a an adult and hes the one who needs to put on his big boy pants and act like the MAN yall need.
Thats a job for professionals . Not you.
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