my boyfriend is a monster when he drinks
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by hissycrissy 
"The bottom line is you need to get your **** checked. Things can lie dormant. Symptoms aren't always as pronounced as you may expect, it doesn't hurt to be safe. We can go get it done together. No one is pointing fingers. Your just taking it personal. I don't undertand why your so adamant about not getting tested"
Ide be wondering if this were a ploy for him to get out of catching an std by pinning it on you?
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Santa
As women sometimes it is difficult for us, for whatever reason, to feel that we deserve better. Sometimes it is the way we were brought up; sometimes it is just being worn down by the alcoholic's attitude toward us. My ex often accused me of getting high and mighty and "demanding" if I tried to enforce normal standards of behavior between adults.
I got to where I felt like I had lived with so much s**t, I could tolerate anything. What tipped over the apple cart was when I saw - really saw - the effect living with an alcoholic father was having on my children. What I couldn't do for myself, I could do for them.
But, I waited too long. Way too long. My daughter was a young teen and acting out - drinking at 14 - before I pulled my head out of my @ss. It took years of intervention and counseling and talking real, real honestly about life in our house for her to start turning her life around. At 19, she still has incredibly low self esteem and a ton of anxiety. I wish I had left when my oldest was 7. FOR THEM.
I got to where I felt like I had lived with so much s**t, I could tolerate anything. What tipped over the apple cart was when I saw - really saw - the effect living with an alcoholic father was having on my children. What I couldn't do for myself, I could do for them.
But, I waited too long. Way too long. My daughter was a young teen and acting out - drinking at 14 - before I pulled my head out of my @ss. It took years of intervention and counseling and talking real, real honestly about life in our house for her to start turning her life around. At 19, she still has incredibly low self esteem and a ton of anxiety. I wish I had left when my oldest was 7. FOR THEM.
Hard truth. Im always terrified of this. One of the biggest reasons I think about leaving then ah gets a normak day and I stay. Stupid tug of war bs.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,650
He does have issues but does that mean I need to abandon him when he truly needs support and help to get sober?
The first thing I can offer from my experience as the alcoholic is: you can't do anything to support or help a drunk get sober. Seriously. Whatever you say or do is not going to have the slightest bit of an effect on him. The only person that is going to get a drunk sober is the drunk himself or herself. It is a solo flight. You could kick him out of the house, coddle him, sue him, change the locks, or be a doormat, and it won't make the slightest bit of difference. Nothing you do is going to get him sober.
Hissycrissy you are maybe just now learning what codependency means. To put it in very simple terms, as codependents there is something about the dysfunctional relationship that attracts us. Normal people are not interested in the drama, but we find ourselves drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Something in us wants well, to be blunt, the abuse. I wanted to be victim, the martyr. That was both my alcoholic profile and my codependent profile.
You don't have to be anybody's martyr, but the sickness of codependency makes you think you should be, that martyrdom is a plausible way to help people. Well it's not: no healthy relationship includes the dynamics of being a masochist, a martyr or a victim. This guy sounds like a sadist, and is so negative and aggressive towards you, you should be hearing all kinds of warning bells and sirens going off in your head. It's not going to get better with a baby.
I would suggest an exit plan....sorry I can't really think of a happy ending.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 74
Just this week, I stood on the line, and told him that he crossed it, and it was time to go.
I love my husband very deeply, and like you, I didn't want to abandon him when he needed me most.
The thing is, he doesn't need *me* at all! He thinks he does, but I can't help him. I don't have the tools nor the experience. They have a saying in AA: Only an addict can help an addict. And that's true. You'll find that most counselors in treatment centers are former addicts themselves. They know what it's like, and they can't be bullshitted.
So I asked my husband to leave (in our situation, this was the best choice; and he didn't argue. Your situation may require you leaving, I don't know enough details to say.) Being here is enabling his drug abuse.
Why did I do this?
Because I have two little girls, and they can't grow up with abuse and drugs. Now, my husband isn't abusive (to anyone but himself) but he snorts things, and he gets drunk... that means that he's not safe around my children.
Remember that what you stay with today is what you're teaching your children it's okay to stay with tomorrow. Staying with an abusive man is teaching your son that THIS is how women are supposed to be treated.
Addiction is a communicable disease.
Inoculate your family. Save them. He won't get help until he's ready, and his recovery won't be aided by you letting him abuse you.
You are worth so much more.
Have you gone to Al Anon yet? The peace I've learned there has carried me through all of this.
I love my husband very deeply, and like you, I didn't want to abandon him when he needed me most.
The thing is, he doesn't need *me* at all! He thinks he does, but I can't help him. I don't have the tools nor the experience. They have a saying in AA: Only an addict can help an addict. And that's true. You'll find that most counselors in treatment centers are former addicts themselves. They know what it's like, and they can't be bullshitted.
So I asked my husband to leave (in our situation, this was the best choice; and he didn't argue. Your situation may require you leaving, I don't know enough details to say.) Being here is enabling his drug abuse.
Why did I do this?
Because I have two little girls, and they can't grow up with abuse and drugs. Now, my husband isn't abusive (to anyone but himself) but he snorts things, and he gets drunk... that means that he's not safe around my children.
Remember that what you stay with today is what you're teaching your children it's okay to stay with tomorrow. Staying with an abusive man is teaching your son that THIS is how women are supposed to be treated.
Addiction is a communicable disease.
Inoculate your family. Save them. He won't get help until he's ready, and his recovery won't be aided by you letting him abuse you.
You are worth so much more.
Have you gone to Al Anon yet? The peace I've learned there has carried me through all of this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Thonotosassa
Posts: 9
I am pleased to update everyone with good news. I've stood my ground. I'm not falling for his manipulative games. He wants to meet up to exchange our things to which I turned down. I have arranged a drop off location (public) and my son will not be in attendance. I wanted to thank each and every one of you for your encouragement. This entire time I thought I was screwed up and worked tirelessly to please him and lost myself. I'm reading books written by people like me (us) and it is opening my eyes to the reality we now live. but we don't have to live it. Tomoro is a new day and its my sons first baseball game ever. I have plans with my awesome girls for a couple of months and I just got some really fantastic praise at work from the president of the company! I will be okay (: much love to you all and I'll keep updating with good news
. 
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am just now reading this thread, and what a great post this morning. GOOD FOR YOU for finding your own self respect and kicking this jerk to the curb. Trust me - you are doing the right thing. Remember this, and save this thread somewhere where you can refer back if you even feel weak or confused. Memorize what folks say here, because they are absolutely correct.
Not only that, but you have no guarantee this guy will get sober and be a good man. It is likely he has far deeper issues that alcohol suppresses. That's the sad truth with alcoholics. There are issues and personality quirks that often make them great alcoholics to begin with.
You've got an opportunity to be a great Mom now. Take it and run. We don't get do-overs with our kids. So put this role first and foremost. You will never regret that.
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by hissycrissy
I am pleased to update everyone with good news. I've stood my ground. I'm not falling for his manipulative games. He wants to meet up to exchange our things to which I turned down. I have arranged a drop off location (public) and my son will not be in attendance. I wanted to thank each and every one of you for your encouragement. This entire time I thought I was screwed up and worked tirelessly to please him and lost myself. I'm reading books written by people like me (us) and it is opening my eyes to the reality we now live. but we don't have to live it. Tomoro is a new day and its my sons first baseball game ever. I have plans with my awesome girls for a couple of months and I just got some really fantastic praise at work from the president of the company! I will be okay (: much love to you all and I'll keep updating with good news
If you ever consider for even a moment letting him into your life for five minutes, come back and read your own words. They are true. If you ever question those words you wrote today in the future, We all here vote these words as the truth, and the insecure/questioning/unsure/confused voice that would return to him is the wrong one.
Keep him away, forever!
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,513
This just made my morning. Congratulations and keep up the good work taking care of YOU.
I hope you will keep active on this forum too, just because we are separated does not mean that we are fully healed. It takes time to build confidence and self esteem back up.
Anyway big kudos to you
I hope you will keep active on this forum too, just because we are separated does not mean that we are fully healed. It takes time to build confidence and self esteem back up.
Anyway big kudos to you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
SO happy to hear you're moving forward! Be prepared if he turns on the charms in an effort to win you back. The A is a brilliant manipulator, don't fall for it. I also really really hope you're going to Alanon, the support and wisdom in those meetings will buoy you as you chart these new waters.
Keep posting, we're all here for you!
Keep posting, we're all here for you!
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