DesertEyes

Hello hissycrissy, and welcome to SoberRecovery

Yes, there is hope for people like you. Here on SoberRecovery we have _thousands_ of women who have escaped that "trap" you mention and have rebuild a good life for themselves.

It has _nothing_ to do with cowardice. Nothing at all. Cowards run at the first hint of unhapiness, it's the _brave_ people who decide to stick it out.

No, not your fault at all. Staying is a decision that you have made and you have _every right_ to make that decision. Almost everybody on this forum made exactly the same decision, time after time, year after year. That decision is based on the information _you_ have available at the time. Nobody else on the whole planet is "standing in your shoes", so they have no business telling you anything about your decision.

You are correct, abandoning the man you love is _not_ the answer. Not at all. The answer is to give him the support he _really_ needs, and that is where it gets difficult. You see, because it is a disease it cannot be cured with just love and compassion. It takes a lot more than that. Which is why there are recovery centers, world wide organizations like al-anon and huge websites like this one.

What you _can_ do to help him starts by educating yourself about the disease. You mention his path to sobriety, and your own denial, so I am going to guess that you already have the fundamentals understood. Next I recommend you browse through the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, that will provide you any material you don't already know.

You can find people in real life that can direct you to what is available in your community. Usually the Salvation Army or the Women's shelters can help you there. No, not for you to move in to their facility, for you to ask them for information and direction as to whether there are recovery centers for him, educational classes for you, ala-tot meetings for your 7 year old, etc.

Please feel free to post any questions you have right here on this forum, if you want to. There is _nothing_ required of you here, SoberRecovery exists to answer questions about this horrid disease, so you are more than welcome to just read and never post.

Am I making sense with all that?

Mike
Moderator, SR

trixie56

I think there's a huge difference between leaving someone who's sick with say, leukemia, but they treat you with respect, and leaving an alcoholic who verbally abuses you and treats you like s**t. I know it's hard to cut ties with someone you care about, but you have to put your own good first. Yes, you can stay with him because you don't want to abandon him, but at what cost? More horrible treatment? Is this how you treat people you love? Is this acceptable to you? I don't think you believe it is, or else you wouldn't be here...

I don't think anyone here blames you for having feelings for him, or even having trouble leaving. I've been there myself, and many others here have, too. But please, don't stay with him because you don't want to "abandon" him because he's "sick." A relationship is about give and take, and it's a two way street. What will you get out of this if you stay? You can do much better.

hissycrissy

Wow. What an eye opening experience this has all been. Last night and today the abuse has continued. I had a "lady issue" not uncommon for pregnant women. He is convinced I have STDs and I'm going to post some of his responses. does this sound familiar to anyone? I've also sought therapists in town to speak with.

hissycrissy

"The bottom line is you need to get your **** checked. Things can lie dormant. Symptoms aren't always as pronounced as you may expect, it doesn't hurt to be safe. We can go get it done together. No one is pointing fingers. Your just taking it personal. I don't undertand why your so adamant about not getting tested"

honeypig

He is being an alcoholic. It has nothing to do w/you and everything to do w/him. It's called "quacking" around here.

Take a look at this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html

funkynassau

What a jerk.

Carlotta

Like Honeypig says, it sounds like quacking to me but it could also be about him having a guilty conscience and now that you are pregnant freaking out.
He might be the one with an STD and for an alcoholic mind, the best defense is a good offense.
Get yourself checked, not because of his quacking (screw him) but just in case he is attacking you to cover up for himself.

Carlotta

I just read one of Cynical One's blog entries which rang so many bells for me. I would suggest you read it too, it might help http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...on-addict.html

choublak

I love how he says "no one is pointing fingers" and yet he's doing just that...

honeypig

I follow that blog and I think a WHOLE BUNCH of us (and I am STRONGLY including myself here) could benefit from reading this entry. We all think we're acting normally, rationally, we make sense, we are the ones holding things together--and then you read something like this and realize how deeply F'd up most of us really are. You start to see why we are told to "work on ourselves"...

Good recommendation!

hissycrissy

That was very well written and made me numb. I've gone through detox in other areas I'm sure I can detox this out. I'm miserable. Always walking on eggs shells always waiting for the next blow out that comes faithfully. The moments when we should be happy are spent pissed and hurt by the words he chooses to say then doesn't remember or says they were taken out of context. those words should never be uttered in the same thought as my name. Yet I go back. Each And every time I get the chance. We don't speak for days after a fight and he knows it kills me. so when he does say something, like a fool, I'm right back to square one. Bending so we can move on. I always give in and I always stay quiet because if I dare mention the terrorizing things he said then it all starts over again. but I'm the scum. I'm the one who ruined us. I'm the most disgusting person on the planet and unworthy of his love....

honeypig

But now you know IT'S JUST PLAIN NOT TRUE.

And you start to know why he says that stuff.

And that it has not a thing to do with you, really....and everything to do with him.

And that you can't "love him out of it."

Bitter, but the truth. And as someone said to me on another thread, "the truth will always set you free."

hissycrissy

I need out of this hell. I always do this though and end up right back. and if I end up going back I truly am no better.

soberhawk

It is not easy to change – it just is not.

Be fair towards yourself, you do deserve that.

Wisconsin

I have developed a philosophy through my experiences in Al Anon, and it is that there is virtually NOTHING harder than to look at yourself, identify what's not working for YOU, and change. People who do that earn tremendous respect from me.

Carlotta

A LOT of us on the F and F board have been in a similar hell, I know I have. A lot of us too have managed to get away and rebuild our confidence and our lives. You can do it too, we are here to support you and yes sometimes we might sound a bit rough and we pull no punches. It is because we do not want people to make the same mistakes and go through the misery we did.
Because we are strangers, we have no hidden agenda, we don't have to people please or be worried of hurting your feelings like a best friend would. Here, you will get honest feedback from third parties who understand but have no stakes in your relationship.
It is good you reached out for help. I hope you keep posting even if sometimes we sound a bit "tough"

funkynassau

Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with yourself? Have you analyzed why you keep doing this? Surely you deserve better than this guy who mistreats you to such a huge degree. Think about this and see what you come up with, you dont deserve such crappy treatment.

fairlyuncertain

HissyCrissy, welcome!
Al-anon is a great resource. I highly recommend it. I was so confused and hurt and wondering what was true about my A, and being there really helped me. The truth is, you are fine.

What abusers do is called 'intermittent reinforcement.' They are so loving--then so hateful, and we spend ALL of our energy trying to figure out the rules, so they'll stay loving. Maybe if I just did the dishes right, or spent less, or kept the kids quiet while he's trying to sleep.....

With an Alcoholic abuser, that thinking creates an agreement. You both agree that YOU, the victim, could do something differently to stop his behavior. THAT IS FALSE. It's hard to get away, because it's like a gambling addiction...you're just about to hit the love jackpot.....if you leave, you say goodbye to a possibility. It's painful. But your kids need more than a possibility of love and peace, they need the real thing from you. And it sounds like your A is pushing you away.

I felt more peace when I realized that booze was the wife. I was just the girlfriend on the side.

I feel for you with a pregnancy and young child. Al-Anon, sober recovery forums, therapy, domestic violence organizations--they can do wonders to relieve the fear and self-blame, and replace it with laughter and a solid future, where you can BE the stability for your family that you crave. Hugs and best of luck to you!

dandylion

Dear hissy--you say you "want out of this hell"---and I can certainly understand why. The most direct way to do this is to contact the domestic violence center---make a phone call. Tell them your situation--and they know how to help you. You can get the services and support that you need. You qualify because you are living in abuse and are (in my opinion) showing signs of this abuse. You will find that these people are very discreet and very kind.

Of course we are always here on SR and there are alanon meetings where you will find equally understanding and supportive people.

Making that first phone call (from a safe, private place) is the hardest part--but, you will be glad that you did, because it is a first step to getting out of the "hell" that you are living in.

dandylion

Santa

As women sometimes it is difficult for us, for whatever reason, to feel that we deserve better. Sometimes it is the way we were brought up; sometimes it is just being worn down by the alcoholic's attitude toward us. My ex often accused me of getting high and mighty and "demanding" if I tried to enforce normal standards of behavior between adults.

I got to where I felt like I had lived with so much s**t, I could tolerate anything. What tipped over the apple cart was when I saw - really saw - the effect living with an alcoholic father was having on my children. What I couldn't do for myself, I could do for them.

But, I waited too long. Way too long. My daughter was a young teen and acting out - drinking at 14 - before I pulled my head out of my @ss. It took years of intervention and counseling and talking real, real honestly about life in our house for her to start turning her life around. At 19, she still has incredibly low self esteem and a ton of anxiety. I wish I had left when my oldest was 7. FOR THEM.