hopegone

I haven't shared on SR yet - I guess so far it's been more helpful to read about what ya'll are going through than to rehash the reruns of my everyday life living with my AH. I'm exhausted of my own story!!!
However, I received this email this morning & wondered if I could get some feedback? I don't know how to respond without being bitter, hateful, disbelief, CODEPENDENT!, rushing to his aid (which is pretty non existent right now) or feel like a doormat all over again ..... Any thoughts?

AH: "I made it 2 weeks with out drinking, went through the detox and sickness.. Then drank Saturday and sunday.PLEASE READ THIS ALL.. I have I think burned a whole in my stomach? With all the Tylenol and advil etc,etc,etc I take every night to sleep.. I need help and am going to AA at lunch.. If you could please locate that book, that will help.. I realize and understand why you won't help me and what a mess our marriage is.. I know our marriage can't be saved, but I am trying to save my life here.. I raised your first son and I am the father of your other 2 sons.. I don't want to kill myself drinking and that is what is happening. One day I hope we could be friends and I could be a better person to you.. I just have ruined everything and have hit bottom.. the only thing I can do is try to dig out of my hole.. I hate myself for what I have done to you and my family, but will try to turn it around.. Again I understand the non-support, and understand if you don't believe me again.. I DO WANT TO QUIT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE..... PLEASE HELP ME........"

honeypig

Looks manipulative to me--he "needs" you to locate a book for him. You have to "help" him get sober. Hmmmm.....NO.

You KNOW this is BS. You KNOW he is pushing your codie buttons.

Maybe just politely reply that he should seek medical care for his health concerns and AA for his other concerns and leave it at that?

You could merely say "I'm sorry you're having trouble. Good luck getting things worked out."

The thing is, this is HIS situation. No point in giving him free rent in your head while you agonize over what to say. Maybe your best bet would be to go no contact with him, if this is a regular type of occurrence.

m1k3

Hi hopegone and welcome to SR.

First of all ((((hugs)))).

I reached a point where I didn't respond to emails like this. My AW was an adult and she could figure it out own her own. She didn't need me to get medical help, find recovery, get a therapist or any of that. If she really wanted it she would manage.

After I first separated from her I got emails and voicemails like this as well. What I learned in my case is they weren't really calls for help, they were bait to draw me back in.

Once I stopped responding the number of emails I got and the amount of drama in them really decreased.

One of the best things I learned here was the 3 c's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

When I really embraced that thought it became so much easier to focus on myself and begin my recovery.

I will recommend Al-Anon as a great place to go to get strength and support, face to face, from people who know exactly what you are going through. Al-Anon is not about helping your alcoholic get better, it is all about you and helping you get better.

Your friend,

DreamsofSerenity

I understand how hard it is! He sounds so sincere in the email and a part of him is probably sincerely sorry. All of that aside, I see that letter as a way of drawing you back into something you do not need to be a part of. You can't help him get better. You know it and he knows it deep down. I really feel like the best thing for him would be to see he is alone with his disease now. Remember, if love and support could cure alcoholism, SR would not exist.

HUGS!!!

AnvilheadII

hi and welcome.

so let's see, he drank sat and sun, and then emailed you TODAY (3 whole days) to make SURE you knew how bad he thinks it is, how horrible he has been, how he's GOING TO TRY to get it together now, and is GOING TO an AA meeting...oh and by the way, could you get me that book?

i'd respond in order...if you think you have serious health issues, go to your doctor. i hope you figure the rest out. and then give him the address to the dang library. seriously, the lame @ss things they come up with! i need my special toothbrush. sigh.

stay out of it. there is nothing you can do. he really HAS to seize this with both hands and give it all HE has. or most likely fail.

hisimage48

Boy, I was sold there for a minute. Until he mentioned he would understand your "non support" and understands if you don't believe him again.

I haven't read the rest of the replies yet. Just wanted to pipe in.

FireSprite

I agree with Honey & Anvil - "Sorry to hear that - sounds like you need to consult a doctor and find a meeting/sponsor. I'm sure they can help."

That's it.

hopegone

Thank you all for your thoughts. It's so great to bounce things off peeps who truly understand this psycho circus. After reading his email I was truly so numb to all the "words" .... "There JUST words". Your all right in my opinion. I wished him luck, that was all I could muster up. We've been in this squirrel cage before. I have become so bitter and robotic it's sad. I used to be a pretty happy go lucky gal! Spent the last 13 yrs trying to deal with this crap, boy do I learn slow!!! Started Alanon 10yrs ago .... But must say SR is more informative and open and real. I'm getting too comfortable in my isolation........ (((Hugs))) for your time XOXO

BoxinRotz

You did good. You wished him well and that was that. I bet he's looking under his laptop for the rest of it! Shaking it like an etch 'a sketch... I know there's MORE!

I like the one liner's the best... Uh huh... Mmmmmk. Really?! Ohhhhhhh. lol

Mountainmanbob

those AA Big Books are very easy to find
available either for free or for a little amount of money
at most all AA meetings

it's easy to talk the talk
but
there comes a time (if willing) to
walk the walk

starts with keeping the plug in the jug

many talk about quitting up until the day in which they die

Mountainman

Recovering2

If he is serious about sobriety, he will do it no matter what your role is. His recovery is his recovery....period. He can get a Big Book at any AA meeting....but he has to go to the meeting first. He's a big boy, he can figure it out.

Good job not getting pulled in to the chaos. It's hard, but it gets easier the more you practice.

Fandy

if he can send you email, he can pull up the AA big book on line too, bookmark it...and read it.

Hammer

Yeah, that line had me laughing, too.

Was wondering what the hell "non support" is too.

hopegone, my suggestion -- not really mine, I heard this early in Alanon -- Give AH a prayer and let God handle this one.

God handles Big Boys with poopie diapers all the time.

God sure picked a Hell of a Job for Himself, huh?

funkynassau

If he really wants help he should be contacting AA, not you. Dont fall for this, it doesnt sound genuine to me.

HopefulinFLA

He could very well be sincere in what he is saying, but that doesn't mean it's your duty to do anything at all to help him. He's a big boy, and the master of his own destiny. Sounds like you've got more important things to do, like raise 3 kids.

My own personal rule is, if I'm not sure if or how I should respond, if it creates any kind of anxiety for me, then it's a clue that I should not respond. Seems to work pretty well.

hopegone

Aw peeps, I can't believe how helpful this has been for me today!! The norm, i like how Honey describes it as "taking free rent in my head"!! (Love that) has always been that I just bottle this up, maybe journal it. At any rate it consumes me or shuts me down. But this afternoon I engaged more with my boys & had a bit of fun with them. I can't thank u all enough for feedback. Thank you for taking the time to respond. My kids thank you!! Boxin, I must say I busted a gut laughing at your reply, Hammer my knees have calluses of all the praying, it's the putting it all in the God Box & leaving it alone that I trip on all the time!! This has been very kind of you all ~ (((hugs once more)))
Hey I may do this more often ..... 😬😆😃😃

hopegone

Woooowww there all those codes are supposed to be smiley faces

DragynLady

Simple.

"You need to go to an emergency room if you feel like you have a hole in your gut. I am glad you understand my need to stay out of this. I hope you feel better soon."

funkynassau

Hopegone, journaling is a great way to get out the thoughts in your head. Down the road you can read the journal and see how far you've come!

BadCompany

Why do you feel obligated to respond?