Dumped by my alcoholic
 

Hello,

I am trying to find perspective and relief from pain after being dumped by my alcoholic. We were together for 7 years and had a child 14 months before the breakup. The breakup was less than 2 months ago.

Of course, as a codependent, I tried all the things we typically do to try to get him to quit drinking (nagging, ultimatums I didn't stick to, arguing). He started to get quite critical, blaming and angry. When our son was born, I was tired and hormonal and got angry right back. It got very ugly. Still, I stayed. I wanted more than anything to make it work. I had never felt as loved by anyone as I did by my ex at the beginning of our relationship. I kept holding onto that.

The thing that hurts so bad (aside from being rejected by someone I thought would never stop loving me/the father of my child) is that he is trying to get sober NOW without me (or so he claims). He is kind of blaming his addiction on his relationships with me and his ex-wife ("all relationships are oppressive"). He didn't quit drinking the minute we broke up. In fact, he got arrested for trespassing in someone's yard late at night after drinking, taking a klonopin (recreationally) and then driving (I suspect he was blacked out). He even drank after that event.

I STILL believe him every time he says that this time he's really quitting. It is so hard not to take all of this very personally. It would be good for our son if my ex gets sober, but I can't help feeling very cheated. I can't help feeling like there is something wrong with ME if he couldn't get sober while being with me. I can't help feeling like he hates me when he chooses to quit drinking after leaving me.

He is still too close to me when he is able to keep hurting me (being angry/blaming, sending a text to me that he wrote to someone else saying that he is no longer attracted to me). I need to find someone to act as a liaison for picking up and dropping off our son. I hate seeing my ex. It hurts so bad. All I wanted was to be in a loving trio with him and our son and I get the opposite of that. I feel like he hates me, even though I am a sweet, loving, ethical person. At least I have my little guy to bring sunshine into my life.

I feel a little guilty that I want my ex to fail at getting sober. I want him to see that it's not about me and relationships. It's about his disease. I guess he would have to quit in order to ever possibly come to that conclusion.

It is so hard to feel good about myself when the person who treated me like crap is the one to ditch out on me. It should have been the other way around. I try to see it as him doing me a favor, but I have a lot of self doubt. I am constantly remembering things that I like or did that he scoffed at. He used to think I was amazing.

I don't need anyone to tell me that I need to love myself, take care of myself, focus on myself. I know these things, whether on not they are easy to incorporate. What I would like is for people to shed light, if they have any, on alcoholic behavior and if there's something I'm failing to see here. For example, a friend of mine today said, "If they open their mouth, they are lying, cheating or stealing. That's what they do." Could this be true?

In a word, yes, and more than likely it IS true. It is the nature of the disease. You say yourself that he promises to get sober, do this or that, and never does it. Wouldn't that be lying?

Take some time and read thru this area of the forum and you'll likely answer many questions for yourself. You'll see a number of threads that involve an A acting exactly the same as yours has, and you'll begin to see that it's all about them and alcoholism and not about you.

Another great way to get educated about alcoholism and also get some real-world support is to check out Alanon.

Don't miss the stickies at the top of this page--a lot of good material there, too. Welcome to SR.

I agree with honeypig. My XABF gave me a lovely, moving speech about how he'd 'changed' and didn't want the partying life anymore, and he wanted to prove himself to me. I believed him, and his 'changed' self lasted about 3 weeks. He then began getting wasted, mean, ditching me bc he was passed out, and getting in a bar fight. Not once did he acknowledge my feelings or the fact that he'd JUST told me he wasn't interested in getting drunk anymore. Even without me saying anything about the drinking, he became instantly defensive, and used denial and deflection to make ME question myself. I suddenly became the most 'too serious' and 'judgemental' person on earth in his eyes, just because he sensed my disapproval. This left me feeling crazy, hurt, etc.

So, yes, definitely read the stories on this forum and you'll see the pattern of A's and their behavior towards those who are in relationships with them. Did my XA intentionally lie to me about being 'changed'? Personally, I don't think he lied intentionally. This is where his denial about his addiction comes into play. From what I've read and experienced, A's often think they can 'control' their drinking, it doesn't impact their lives that much, it isn't a 'big deal,' etc. But those on the outside of their addiction (aka. you and me) are left blindsided and hurt. We can see the gigantic elephant in the room, but our XA's don't/can't.

Yes it's true. Also, this is not about you directly, it's about him and his addiction and how he needs help. You cant make him get help or want to get help, he has to hit his personal bottom and get to that point where he's had enough and will make the decision to do something about it. You need to take care of you and your son. Contact Al Anon and go to their meetings, and learn what to do.

His brain is addled from the booze, he cant think like you do.

Please believe the 3 Cs - you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Just know that.

It takes a long time in recovery for an RA to even realize that they and only they are responsible for their addiction and it can't be blamed on any relationship, situation, weather, job, whatever.

An A will use anything to put the blame somewhere else.

I can totally relate. My XABF walked out without one word or phone call just over two months ago. The last day we were together, he was super rude and put me down every chance he got. It really did feel like he hated me. This happened overnight, after an incident at the bar when I saw him wasted and knock people down in a fight. Later that night, I told him I was there for him if he ever needed to talk, rather than go to the bar. He genuinely looked touched. I saw the 'happy-go-lucky' mask lift, and I saw a very hurt person. I thought this was progress for us, but he quickly decided he didn't want me in his life anymore. Overnight, I became the enemy, and he made me feel very similar to how you are feeling.

Reading about alcoholism and the many posts here on SR has helped me so much. When things ended, I knew nothing about alcoholism and blamed myself. I wondered why I wasn't good enough for him, what I should've done/said. None of that is true, and none of it matters. Alcohol is our XA's main love at the moment. They don't have true love to give us.

Hi,

I went through something similar except I thankfully didn't have a child with the a$$hole.

My ex and I used to fight constantly about two things: my purportedly not loving him as much as he loved me, and his drinking and emotional abuse. He was a black hole of need and nothing could fill it.

He was "trying" (and failing) to get sober for three of the four years we were together. He finally ended up very depressed and threatening suicide. I couldn't handle the situation anymore so I contacted his brother whom I had never met before--I found his email address on Twitter. His brother had no idea whatsoever he was an alcoholic and confronted my ex about it. Within an hour of them talking, my exabf had written me a one paragraph email, blaming our relationship for his drinking, telling me our relationship was over, and wishing me a good life.

His brother who obviously knows nothing about alcoholism believed this BS. His brother told me "He drinks because he can't handle his emotions for you. If he quits you cold turkey, he will be able to quit alcohol cold turkey too." I wrote back and told his brother that my ex couldn't handle his emotions about anything, and that I hoped I was wrong but I did not believe this was a legitimate attempt at sobriety. Turns out I was right and my exabf is still drinking.

What I have learned on SR as it relates to situations like mine and yours is that an alcoholic does not want anyone in his life who gets in the way of his drinking. They look for enablers--people who often unknowingly support the drinking. As soon as you are not enabling him anymore and instead making it harder for him to drink, you need to go.

In my case, my ex was tired of feeling exposed by me. He couldn't hide his drinking anymore from me; I had all his little manipulations figured out. Then I crossed a big line bringing his brother into things. He felt backed into a corner and had to make a drastic move to be able to keep his real love, alcohol. He knew if his brother and I spent too much time talking about him, his brother would force him into some kind of treatment.

The way the two of them treated me at the end was really devastating. It was like I was some mistress with a dirty little secret who they needed to silence as soon as possible. I NEVER thought my ex could ever turn on me like he did. The way he claimed to love me made something like that seem almost incomprehensible. I deeply trusted that he'd always be in my life, at least in the capacity of a friend. People split up, that's normal, but to be disposed of like I was was something totally different.

Now I know that alcoholics are driven by need and aren't really capable of love. Your ex is just caught in the grips of the disease. For your child's sake, I hope he is really getting sober, but for some reason I doubt it.

Someday you are going to wake up and be thankful he is out of your life because you will have learned that there is no way to have a peaceful life living with an active A. Until then, we are here for you. We know how much it hurts!!

^^^^^^^^^yes yes yes!^^^^^^^^^^^^

Welcome, LightInside.

So many great responses so far; I find it hard to add anything except a big welcome! Keep coming back,
~T

DreamsofSerenity - well said and so true. I ditched the A friend in my life who was making me miserable. He chose beer over me. I am much happier now with him out of my life. He's on such a downward spiral, it's very sad.

Thank you all so much. I cannot hear it enough that things will get better, that I didn't cause this. At this point, I have to keep hearing it from other people.

Believe it or not, I have been attending Al-Anon meetings regularly for 10 months. I know about the 3 C's, though I don't always think of them when I'm feeling so down. I got a sponsor on June 24th, and decided that would be my Al-Anon birthday. My ex and I broke up on July 23rd.

I guess the evidence points to me starting to change. I did. I had started to not argue with him. I had started not questioning his drinking. I had stopped looking for evidence. So, I guess he either hated being angry at someone so sweet and wonderful and nurturing to our son, or he felt I wasn't enabling him enough, or both or whatever. I guess it doesn't matter.

The breakup really set me back though. I am only just starting to forgive myself for not starting my serious recovery sooner. I keep having thoughts that if I had done it sooner, maybe we could have made it.

Also, I have been hesitant to take any legal steps to protect my son. I keep thinking that if my ex does get sober, I won't have to worry about it. However, I have never been able to trust him in 7 years. I see no reason why this year would be different, since it's his disease and not our relationship that causes the drinking. I am feeling motivated now to stick to a plan for these legal steps. Going to a free legal clinic on Monday.

Thank you all for your welcome and encouragement. One day I hope to give the same to others. <3

Is this true, even when he is in a dry phase?

Yes. Key word here...phase. A dry phase is not sobriety.

LightInside---Maybe I can help you a little bit on the perspective part......Your brain is stubbornly hanging onto a fantasy of what you WANTED yoour relationship to look like--to be. However, real life demands that we live in reality--not fantasy.

Your happiness will come from the inside of you and not from hitching your star to an active alcoholic. What you call love will not change him. His true love is alcohol. Love is not enough, anyway--most all of us here on SR have l oved ou r alcoholic at some point.

You need to complete your grieving process--it has only been two months. We all grieve the loss of a dream. Loss feels like loss!! This is normal--but, it will pass.

When you get on with a program for yourself--you will feel sooo much better.

dandylion

LightInside, as far as I know when the brain is affected by alcohol and one becomes sober the brain may well remain affected, as in the changes are permanent.

How about instead of saying “dumped by my alcoholic” change that thinking to read:

“I have been freed by my alcoholic boyfriend”.

Freed from HIS: lies, manipulations, guilt trips and blame for HIS addiction.

Fantasy VS reality = your future lies in accepting reality and letting go of what ever kind of fantasy you had that involved this person.

Andy by all means take legal actions to protect yourself and support for your child.

I LOVE THIS!!!! Thank you so much.

Thanks for the reality checks. They hurt, but they're the truth. I keep trying to tell myself that he did me a favor.

To use the cliche, talk is cheap. I would work on accepting that this bad relationship is over and focus on your child, not a screwed up, destructive guy.