His final blow....My heart cant take anymore.

Old 09-16-2013, 05:02 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Tryingtoletgo3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
His final blow....My heart cant take anymore.

I heard back from my lawyer finally about our court date for the final divorce hearing. STBXAH has stalled the divorce for months and fought for unsupervised visits. I petitioned for a final hearing after having had enough. Stbxah is signing over his rights and wants nothing to do with our boys. I was at peace with him leaving and not wanting me, but how do I tell my boys why they have never met their dad? He chose liquor over his kids. I feel like this is my fault. He called over and over a few weeks ago and I ignored him. The next day he disconnected his phone and informed our lawyers of his choice. I feel like a huge part of me has died.
Tryingtoletgo3 is offline  
Old 09-16-2013, 05:22 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lyssy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
I am so sorry for your pain and that of your boys. I cant offer any advise, but reality is it's his loss.

(((((hugs)))))
Lyssy is offline  
Old 09-16-2013, 05:24 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Oh sweetie, This is not your fault. He actively made a choice that is impossible to make sense of. Remember, his brain is not working in a way that makes sesense If he is actively drinking. My heart aches for you and your little ones. I am so sorry.you have to endure this. But they do have a wonderful mom to love them. That love will get them through. Stay strong for them.
Sending hugs and support.
MamaKit
MamaKit is offline  
Old 09-16-2013, 05:51 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Rosiepetal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Oh my gosh that is so sad.
Big hugs to you.
You are a good Mum & person & don't you forget it.
The choices their Dad makes is his own choices, one day they will realise that.
He may blame you forever but that is his choice to cast blame too, you have done nothing wrong.
Rosiepetal is offline  
Old 09-16-2013, 06:53 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
BookNerd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: In my library
Posts: 83
I am so sorry. For a mother, I don't think anything hurts you more than seeing your child get hurt. But in the long run, if your ex is really that uncaring towards his own children, then he doesn't deserve to see those boys. And they are better off without a childish person like that in their lives.

But the next little while will be hard as they adjust to this new reality. I am sending hugs to you and your sweet kids. (((hugs)))
BookNerd is offline  
Old 09-16-2013, 10:01 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
Unless this is something you have been requesting, and even then, a parent cannot merely sign away his or her parental rights. If that were the case, every deadbeat parent in America would use this tactic to get out of paying child support and absolve themselves of all responsibilities.

You can't force someone to be an involved parent but you can insist that they remain financially involved. Your boys will be ok.
ichabod is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 04:40 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sorry to hear that in a childish and petulant fit, your ex decided he no longer wants to participate in the lives of his children. He really has shown his true colors here, hasn't he?

Please believe me and the others here when we say that this IS NOT your fault. He made a decision out of anger and spite that he will regret for a long time--you had no control over that.

I can only begin to imagine, though, the pain you must feel because of this. You and your precious children are in my prayers. Please come and vent and talk it out here as much as you need. Sending hugs!
Seren is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 05:57 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Tryingtoletgo3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
Thank you all for the encouraging words and support.

Ichabod- He stated that he wants to pay child support and wants occassional pictures and medical updates for our special needs son, but that he does not want any parenting time or to see them (or meet our 4 week old son whom he has never met.)

I have known for a long time how ill he really is and that he would choose alcohol over anything, but I was still hanging onto the dream that he would realize how important our sons are and see the light on getting sober. At the beginning of our divorce I was speaking with our county prosecutor because I was at a training with him for work and he told me that in all of his years doing what he does, my husband is the most hardcore alcoholic he has ever seen. The most frustrating part of all of this is that I would do anything to feel angry towards him. I think it would help me to let go. Instead I still love him and long for him and I feel a sadness for him that is overwhelming. The light of a new day has helped mend the blow that I felt yesterday when the news was delivered. I am glad that I stood strong when he started calling and trying to suck me back in, even if not getting his way was what caused this choice. It hurts now, but I know that in the long run I will be a stronger person for having stood up to him and saying enough to the unhealthy cycle. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself so that whenever he shows back up, if he ever does, I can still stand strong and not let him back in. I know from his history and his pattern that the woman he has run off with will not last. She is also an addict and is married and he has a long past with her. For 15 years they have dated for a few months, then had no contact for years after fight...this time will be no different. When it goes south he will take off and run around the country for a few years and then come back when he has burned all bridges elsewhere and has too many warrants to keep running from in other states. Our boys deserve better than this. I deserve better than this.
Tryingtoletgo3 is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 06:06 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Our boys deserve better than this. I deserve better than this.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

That right there is an undeniable truth!
You are doing great. I am amazed by your clear-headedness and strength.
Stay strong.

Hugs (and a few more)
MamaKit
MamaKit is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 08:23 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
DreamsofSerenity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
You do deserve better. I realize it is painful but it seriously sounds like you will all be so much better off without him in your lives. You will get to a point where that will be crystal clear and you'll probably feel grateful he is gone. It just takes time to heal.

Hugs to you!
DreamsofSerenity is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 09:30 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Tryingtoletgo3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
I keep thinking that there will be a day that he will drink himself to death, it could be tomorrow or it could be two years from now. Regardless, his kids and I will never know. I'm struggling with the fact that the voicemails he left during his last temper tantrum are the last time I will hear the voice of the man who I love with all of my heart and I have children with. Months ago, when I ran into him at the grocery store and he was drunk, was the last time that I would lay eyes on him. The man I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with never truly existed and the person who realistically was there instead has left and our sons will never get to meet him or even know if he is dead or alive. For most of his life he has chosen to be homeless and does everything he can to not leave a footprint from which he can be found.... It would be easier to find out that he was dead right now than to have to live with the unknown for the rest of my life.
Tryingtoletgo3 is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 09:58 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
ClearLight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
I feel like this is my fault.
That's just what he wants. It's his heartless way of using the kids to hurt you.
My guess is the boys will be better off without him in their lives.
Sad - but more than likely true.
ClearLight is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 09:59 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
If he is a mess right now, it may be for the best. At least for right now.

Tomorrow, or some months, or some year(s) ahead, this may not be so. Let that day, if it comes, take care of itself, as well.

One Day At A Time, right?

I can tell you this -- learned it from my daughter, strangely enough, or perhaps she got it from me, dunno -- when you let go of Hope -- the pain stops, too.
Hammer is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 10:13 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
spiderqueen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by Tryingtoletgo3 View Post
I'm struggling with the fact that the voicemails he left during his last temper tantrum are the last time I will hear the voice of the man who I love with all of my heart and I have children with. Months ago, when I ran into him at the grocery store and he was drunk, was the last time that I would lay eyes on him.
Honey, I understand this anguish, first hand, as do many here on SR. And I don't mean to minimize your suffering - I truly feel and understand it.

But please try to remember that YOU ultimately have the "last word" with regard to this man, this marriage. And that word, those memories, will be beautiful. Because you get to be grateful for your children EVERY DAY, and see the best of him in THEM.

For you and the kids, the healing with go on and on. This is triumph, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Take care, take heart. ((((hugs)))))
SQ
spiderqueen is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 10:33 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((TTLG3)

sending out prayers & good thoughts for you ~ I can only imagine how much pain & hurt you feel right now
as others have shared - please know this has nothing to do with you or your precious boys ~ it's about him and his disease ~ it is selfish, self-centered and self-seeking and that is the nature of the disease.

Also, please know just from my experience - it is much harder on children with parents that come in and out than those that just walk away completely. Neither is easy, but with my girls & granddaughters ~ each time this absent parent comes back in the picture ~ the naive child believes "this time it will be different" (I guess like I know I did for so many years with my ex ah)
I saw my daughters & now see my granddaughters go thru the emotions of thinking "this time I will be enough for them to want to be in my life for real"

We do counseling, journaling, and everything we can to try to help them and we make progress ~ until out of the blue that parent decides to "play" daddy for a day or so to ease their own pain - never really thinking about what is best for their child.

I truly wish them no harm - I pray for their sobriety and peace - but if they can't be healthy then I wish they would leave these little hearts alone - I think they deserve that.

Just my e, s, & h

PINK HUGS to you & your boys!
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 11:13 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Florence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Sending my hugs to you.
Florence is offline  
Old 09-17-2013, 12:03 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Friend,

"I feel like this is my fault."

That made me cry a bit. (Don't feel bad, a lot of things make me cry right now.)
I fight the "I feel like it's my fault" a lot.

Here's the thing: Just because it makes you feel like something doesn't make it true.
It's just a feeling. It's a feeling of guilt, and it can be there. It can sit there in you and be uncomfortable. Just don't let it blame you. Let it sit there and glare and be all accusatory and sh*t. It'll get tired of it eventually, and it'll be replaced by another feeling.

And maybe, just maybe, that feeling will be -- relief. If you allow it in.

On the surface, right now, you can tell your children "your father is really ill and we won't be seeing him until he gets better." And just keep repeating that. "Your dad loves you, but he's really ill right now and that's why we can't see him."

Deeper down, will your oldest wonder? Sure. But that's a problem for another day. Right now, you just need to handle right now.

And right now may be a lot being a single parent. It might feel overwhelming. But it's not impossible. And there are sides to this arrangement that are good, including that you won't have to worry about whether he's driving drunk with the kids or passing out and not caring for them... AXH is not in our children's life anymore. It's, frankly, easier. And the kids finally have a chance to deal with all the crap he exposed them to.
lillamy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:25 PM.