Amends
 

Has anyone had their A (r) make amends to them? If so, can you share your experience?

hahahahaha,

ahhhh.

That's a funny one. :) :)

Thanks.

Mrs. Hammer's dad said it best . . . . "[Mrs. Hammer] rarely says Thanks, and Never says I am Sorry."

My dad "made amends" early in his sobriety. At a private moment, he basically said, "I apologize for everything before." I answered, "it's OK." I was a bit disappointed at the time, but also wanted the uncomfortable "feeling" talk to end right away. Neither one of us was very good at it. In hindsight, what he did was huge and I think he has done a lot to be a better father since then.

My RAH said he was sorry a lot of times in his early recovery but I was so angry about the betrayl and lies that I didn't hear, or didn't want to hear, it. Not until I started working on my own recovery and he was well into his, did I start to even feel a little better about things.
At some point I asked him what step he was on (after he had made a "big" thing of making amends to his ex regarding their past) and I felt very hurt and angry that I didn't get my apology.
I finally got up the courage to tell him I was angry at him for not making me a priority in his recovery, and with teary eyes he said he regrets, every day, what he did and how things were between us when he was drinking, and that he can't afford to not think about how terrible it was during that time, so he doesn't feel the urge to go back. He also pointed out that he had said he was sorry quite a few times, which I realized was true.
Point being, until I was ready to hear it, and he was already living his amends (and continued to make them by being strong in his recovery everyday) was I ready to hear it and accept it.
I also acknowledged to him that there were no words he could have said to me (or ever say to me) that would make the bad times and lies and hurt any better. The only way to do that is to work a recovery program for myself and be supportive of his recovery and move forward.

When I think of the response I would have given to this, even a few short months ago, I feel blessed to hae so much LESS chaos in my life. My life is so much more peaceful, in huge part because of Al-anon and this board.

Here's a link that explains a bit more about what "amends" really means: Making amends is more than an apology -- Hazelden

It's way more than an apology, or at least it should be, in my understanding.

Hope the link helps clarify the work that should be going into preparing for and then making amends.

As I always heard it, an apology is a notice that an amend is coming.

Well I got "I need to make amends to you, I am sorry for being drunk all the time and trying to make you have sex all the time when I was drunk"

Whole thing was less than 2 minutes. I simply said "Thank you". It was more than I expected. I dont have any experience with this. Figure it was more for him than about me.

Thanks for the link. Much appreciated.

Couldn't agree more.
When he first got out of the rehab RAH and I met for a coffee. We talked and he said he is sorry for the things he has done, and that he knows I don't trust him, but he pleads for me to try and give him space and time to show me that he truly means it, and that he truly wants to make things right for both kids and me. So, I guess since than, and that is over 2.5 years now, he has been doing it everyday, simply by trying to be the best person he can, to be the best father and husband he can.

When my RABF first got out of treatment, and came home, I wanted an apology and amends RIGHT NOW. I was really angry about the enormous pain he caused, and the relationships he had destroyed. It was in an AlAnon meeting that I shared how I was feeling, and asked how long do I have to wait for an apology? 9th step? Really...that could be forever!

A young woman who was there that night was actually in AA, and there with her Dad (it's an open AlAnon meeting). She asked if she could share. She then talked about going through rehab...twice. Said she didn't get it the first time. The 2nd time she got it, and was working hard at real recovery. She knew that she had harmed her family, and could have made her "amends" early on. But she said she was grateful that she waited until she was working the steps. Said had she apologized prior to Step 9, she wouldn't have truly understood what she was making amends for. She knew it was hard for her family, but when she did make amends it was sincere.

I left that meeting in tears, and am forever grateful to that young woman. I decided then and there to let it go. Let him work his recovery, and if (IF) he got to that step, it would be when the time was right. Not on my schedule. I then focused on my stuff.

It was about 6 months later, after dinner out, that my RABF sat me down. I did not see it coming. He made a heartfelt amend to me. Was able to verbalize what he had done, and acknowledged the damage that had been caused. He talked about recovery moving forward. We had a good conversation, and I did ask a few pointed questions. I don't know...I needed to be sure he "got it" in some way. He did.

So for me it started out frustrating, and ended up just the way it should have. That young woman in AlAnon helped me understand that I couldn't put a timeline on his recovery, and his amends. I needed to work on my recovery. She was right. :)

Just my experience....

Fortunately I read up on what the Amends is about before RAH made his.....and this site helped me to understand it was more about him making the amends than what I would receive....and thank goodness because I would have been let down. The amends to his family members each took an hour etc...mine was a minute...basically he apologized for being wrong in so many ways...but nothing concrete....he said he grappled with making amends with me and that I was aware of all the wrongs he had done.....well I accepted it and left it at that.....but it does still irk me deep down. the fact that there are so many things I wish he would have referenced.....just to know he was aware of them and the impact.....but hey I try to let it go and move on.....maybe its best we don't rehash it....I just don't know

I got a slurred voicemail referencing AM's "addikshunnnn-ologhisssst," but I'm guessing that doesn't count. [/snark]

I don't foresee real amends ever coming (that requires sobriety and Steps), but I understand it as it has been laid out here. I'm working on making amends as part of my program. That's what matters to me now.