jazzfish

I feel like I am behind enemy lines here, but...

I am a recovering alcoholic with 2 young daughters (oldest is 10). I now want to make moves to begin the healing process for any harm I have done. I would guess this has mainly been through restrictions in the amount and quality of time I spend with them (e.g. let daddy sleep, let's keep it quiet, 5 more minutes, maybe tomorrow, etc). I am still married to their mom and we are all in the same house. I would be interested in getting advice and recommendations on books that would help me understand what impact I have had and what I can do to start to reverse any damage; and that may help them as they get older.

Thanks for your help!

Wisconsin

JF, first of all congratulations on your sobriety!

The best input I can give you is to just take things slowly. If your girls have heard a lot of "5 more minutes" and "maybe tomorrow," they have learned not to believe things that you say and promises you make. It will take time to rebuild that trust, but if you are patient, and gentle, and CONSISTENT in walking the walk (not just talking the talk), I'm willing to bet things will start to get better. Express an interest in what they find exciting (do either of them play sports? Dance? Favorite toys/activities?). Ask about their days at school (if you need some help in that area, ask them to show you what they brought home from school that day, and then have them tell you more about it). If one of your daughters loves dolls, get down on the floor and play doll hospital, or doll beauty parlor, or doll school, or doll ANYTHING, for 15-20 minutes. Is one of your daughters a big reader? If so, pick a book together and take turns reading it out loud to each other. My guess is that it will be important for you to spend time with them together, and individually. Once you have several weeks of "ordinary" quality time with them, maybe you can do a special day out, either just you and your daughters, or the whole family. Above all, I would be patient, patient, patient. Depending on how long you were actively drinking, it may take them awhile to really accept their new and improved daddy!

I don't know about your family, but in my family my AH constantly projects an aura of being the most important person in the family all of the time. Try focusing on things that show your daughters how important they are, and how much their happiness means to you.

Good luck!

Edited to Add: I'm not sure where you are in your recovery, but you might want to consider sitting down with your wife to discuss what and how you will say to your daughters about your recovery, because even though you want to improve your relationship with your daughters, your sobriety probably still needs to be your number one priority. I don't know if you are working an AA program, but if you are, there might be a night when you are going to a meeting. If one of your daughters asks you to play, or read, or spend time together, you might want to have an age-appropriate answer ready ("Daddy would love to spend time playing dolls tonight. Daddy has to go to a meeting to help him get better from being sick, so I can't play dolls tonight, but let's make a date to play dolls tomorrow night." Then make a big deal about writing the "doll date" on the calendar for the next night, etc.)

Hammer

Not at all. Although sometimes I project that "enemy" lines stuff in reverse, myself. Was tending to do that in my mind especially when I would sit through an open AA meeting while taking my daughter to Alateen. Now I am just trying to listen and learn.

Just to help keep the pronouns and roles straight, I am the "he" and in Alanon. We have 3 kids, 11, 9, and 6, Mrs. Hammer is back from Rehab about 10 month.

But at any rate, there is nothing *we* alanon types love better than an A who is sincerely working the program. And most of us wish our A was, too.

Super job on the Word Choice. BIG difference between "any harm I have done" compared with "any harm I MAY have done." Really Super. Means you are stepping up and owning it, instead of half-assing it. Wonderful.

Biggest thing Right Now is your attitude -- which sounds Damn Fine.

As far as reading -- I would start with the Book. AA Big Book. The Family Afterward.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt9.pdf

And keep checking yourself with the On The Beam list

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-off-beam.html

Again, super job on you, so far. Around our house, Mrs. Hammer cannot or will not honestly take responsibility for her own behavior. So also per the Big Book it means our chances are less than average.

So I am trying to do my part and started into the Step Stuff, myself.

Can join me in my now daily morning prayer towards that, if you wish . . .

===================

Dear God,

Please make me a Godly Man. Please direct the thoughts of my mind and heart, the words of my mouth, and my actions to serve You.

Please make me a Godly Husband, that I may have a Godly Wife.

Please make me a Godly Father, that I may raise Godly Children to Your honor and glory.

Please make me a Godly Servant, that I may serve my customers and employers, my community, and my groups, according to Your will and Your way.

totfit

Honestly, I believe "trying to rectify" will just keep stirring the pot. Best thing in my opinion is to just be the best father you can be henceforth and time will fix anything previous. Sometimes the more we try and fix the past, the more harm we unintentionally do. Maybe more so than was even done, if any harm were done. Children are resilient. Because of guilt we may sometimes try and fix things others never saw as broken, causing more confusion. Be the best we can be in the present is really and truly in my opinion the best solution.

FireSprite

Congrats on your sobriety! It's pretty straight forward, IMO.

MAKE time for them.
SHOW them they are important & deserving of your respect.
LISTEN to them - kids tell you everything if you are listening with the "right" kind of ears.
Humble yourself & LEARN from them. Ask them about their lives - kids HAVE lives outside of us parents once they start school & social activities.
FOLLOW THROUGH with every single promise you make to them, no matter how minor or insignificant it may seem to you. When it happens that you have no control over circumstances & find that you have to break a promise (or reschedule it ) then speak to them DIRECTLY to make your apologies, let them hear 1st hand from you that you are sorry & the reasons for the disappointment.
Find something different to bond with each of them - not the SAME thing with each one, but maybe one is more tomboyish & likes riding scooters & climbing trees but the other likes playing dress up & having tea parties.
Give them each time individually with you, just one-on-one in addition to wonderful activities together.
Conspire with them to plan a day off for Mom so that she can spoil herself with some alone time.

Kids are easy in a lot of ways - they WANT to love you but what they DON'T want are excuses, disappearing acts, or a Daddy with an Ego bigger than he himself is.

I always recommend "Perfect Daughters" for insights into girls raised in an alcoholic family dynamic, you might find it helpful. Good luck!

spiderqueen

Be present. Be real. Be available. Be reliable.

It sounds so simple, but it is everything to children, regardless of their age. They just need you to show up.

I admire your courage. I hope for the best for you and your family.

ichabod

Don't make a production out of it, just be there for them.

NWGRITS

This. I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Just be there for them. Don't worry about fixing anything, just move forward being the kind of father you should have been all along. Sure, playing dolls may not be that exciting, but seeing joy on your daughter's face is. Relax and go with it. I never got that from my AM, but I can tell you what I would have loved from her, and spiderqueen nailed it. You go, Dad.

sesh

My RAH is in recovery for 2.5 years now. His relationship with our kids (10yo DS and 15yo DD) is more than I could ever imagined it can be. He is a loving caring dad and our kids love him and trust him.
For the past hour (since I first read this thread) I've been thinking about it, what was he doing to repair his relationship with them. And I realized it was all about love, feeling it and sharing it with them. He took time to get to know them and as I see it he was amazed with the persons they are. I am not saying he didn't love them while he was drinking, but am I saying he didn't know them than, or took time to change that.

They've started rebuilding their relationship with him taking interest in them, falling in love with them if you will. It wasn't about doing one thing or the other it was about his desire to be with them and be there for them, and him truly enjoying time with them, caring for them and worrying about them. It didn't take as much time as one might think. In the matter of months they already had very healthy relationship. I think it is due to the fact that kids, unlike adults, don't tend to over think things. Once they felt his unconditional love, once they felt they're the most important in the world to him, they quickly relaxed and started trusting him.
I guess his new behavior was all the apologies they needed.

I congratulate you on your sobriety!