wendy30

My 33 year old husband steadily drank more and more until he started peeing in the bed. He did it about 3 times in a short time period, and I really freaked out. He agreed to stop drinking and did for over 6 months. Then, he just had a beer and we talked about it and he promised to be moderate. That was two weeks ago. Tonight was my 30th birthday dinner, and I watched in horror as he poured drink after drink and was slurring his words and not making any sense in front of my family. I said something every chance I got, but his huge glass kept getting filled up whenever I saw him. It was embarassing. After my family left, I lost my temper. I had all three of my kids needing to be put to bed (ages 4, 2, and 1), and after all that I could not even trust him to help me. He passed out in the living room meanwhile while I dealt with everything. Obviously, with his pee history he will be banned from the bed even if he does wake up.

He is a really great dad and a loving husband. He goes to work every morning and earns a living for us. I know it could be much worse, but the situation just disgusts me and I don't want it getting worse. I am depressed over it. I look at him differently now. As I said I have 3 small children, and a lot of stress with finances. Sorry to whine, but this all feels like too much on my plate. Plus, I work in the evenings, and I am worried now that he may become unreliable. What should I do to make our situation better?

Thanks for your help.

Catherine628

How about al anon? I also found it helpful to learn everything I could about alcoholism. The worst thing I did was try to push him to get help. It only made the drinking worse. And I really wish I had learned sooner that it is utterly pointless to argue with a drunk.

spiderqueen

Hi Wendy,
I am so sorry for what you are dealing with, especially with three little ones, wow. You really have your hands full.

I'm afraid you are witnessing the inevitable progression of alcohol abuse - a horrendous thing by any measure, and something many here can relate to, unfortunately.

I also felt disgust with my A's behavior, and the consequences of his drinking binges (including wetting himself) - which was useful, actually, in helping me detach from it and start to accept what we call the three C's - I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.

I would suggest you read everything you can find on alcohol abuse and addiction for starters; there is a wealth of information on this site in the "stickies" at the top of the page; and perhaps look into Alanon for yourself - I found it very helpful in understanding how to take the focus off my A's behavior and put it where it would help - back on me.

I hope you keep coming back!
Spider

honeypig

Hi, Wendy, and welcome to SR. It's a great place; there's a lot of wisdom shared here and a lot of very straight talk. Hope you stick around and benefit from it.

I would agree with all that has been said to you already--Alanon is an excellent place for you to get some face-to-face support. SR is wonderful, but an online community does have its limitations, too. I use both Alanon and SR and it works very well for me. Here's a link to help you find an Alanon meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

You would probably get something out of reading this thread too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

It sounds like this just kind of came out of the blue for you--educating yourself about alcoholism will help you sort things out, too. Read as much as you can here, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. The more you know, the better you'll be able to decide what to do as time goes by.

Last of all, I want to respond to your statement that you "don't want it getting worse." Wendy, I'm sorry to say, but it WILL get worse. When you read about alcoholism, you'll learn that it's a progressive disease. If your AH doesn't seek help, he will continue down the path he's on--maybe fast, maybe slow, but he will definitely get worse w/o help. And YOU cannot help him. HE has to want recovery for himself. What you CAN do is to take care of yourself and especially your children in this situation.

Again, welcome, and please do as much reading as you possibly can here. I think you'll see you are not alone, and you can learn a LOT from what is shared here by others who have been or are currently in your shoes. Wishing you strength and clarity in the days to come!

Hammer

As you are figuring out, and as he will need to . . .

He Cannot drink at All.

There is no moderation for an A. Just does not exist.

At this point, your VERY BEST Chance is Alanon for you, and AA for him if he will.

Do you know the Who, What, When, and Where of that?

wendy30

Thanks for all your help. He wrote to me this morning and is devastated about his behavior and said he wants to fix this and go to a meeting of some sort. I feel terrible for him.

I am going to start reading all about this. I do feel like this whole thing really smacked me in the face suddenly. It has crept on in the last 2 years until he got really bad a few months ago and then when he stopped, it was great, and then here we are again. Not what I expected in life.

We have been in a relationship since high school (13 years), and I feel like this type of program may be good for me because I just feel so much loyalty to him. I would never tell even my closest friend about this side of my life. It's a secret and it is a heavy one to keep up when I have so many other balls in the air I'm juggling. It's stressful.

Thanks again for your help.

BookNerd

I'm sorry you are going through this Wendy. I know what it feels like to be disgusted by your own husband. Too, I also have young kids and he is always too drunk by bedtime to help me get them to bed.

I am also well acquainted with peeing issues. My dh has peed on our bedroom floor several times, as well as in our daughter's dresser. Charming.

I agree with honeypig that this WILL get worse unless your husband decides to get help. Please take care of yourself and your children.

Hammer

Sounds like you are starting figure out some of the Alcoholic part.

btw, you follow that being an Alcoholic does not mean that someone is a bad person? They may choose to be or do bad things -- especially when the inhibition portions of the brain get whacked with Alcohol, but really an Alcoholic is just someone who cannot control their drinking.

And it sounds like from the "secret" part . . . you are going to easily understand the Anonymous part as well.

Put those two parts together . . . . Alcoholics + Anonymous == and you get Alcoholics Anonymous. (duh, huh?)

To get started, here is *their* Big Book.

Big Book On Line - Table of Contents

*Our* side is Alanon.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/