Ending after 25 years
 

Some good, some bad but the alcoholism always there. It started getting really bad about 3 years ago. Before that he was considered a heavy drinker. I knew better but ignored it like so many. Detox, rehab, detox and multiple visits to hospital with BAC insanely high (most people would have been dead). Has kept his job despite all of this. He went to AA but infrequently. There were times that he said he went but found out he didn't. He informed me today that he wanted to split up and that he was done with AA. This was after he drank so much yesterday when I was out for the day that he fell against the porch railing, broke a six foot section and fell 3 feet to the ground with new hip. I saw the blood on the railing when I pulled up and knew right away it was alcohol related. Huge contusion on stomach and arm. Hip ok.

It's time. I'm tired and I need to be able to come home and not to tense up when I see his car. To have the "drunk" antannae up and sniff the air before I see him sprawled on the couch. To not have to clean up after drunk messes.

The idea of dismantling a house filled with 20 years of stuff just brings me to tears.

How did you do it?

Dear winnie, People here do care. Please accept this hug. :ring

Faith dear...keep your faith! Believe in your heart that there is a better way for you to live your life...not just exist in it. And at times when you feel weak...draw strength from the anger you must be pushing down. And when the pain subsides and your life is good...gone will be the sadness and anger and all this mess will just be another chapter in the book of YOU!!! Good love...mags

I moved out after 10 years of marriage - for me the anxiety of it and anticipation was far worse than the action. Once I started packing I just did it a box at a time (I set small goals like 5 boxes the first week, 7 the second etc). I'm not saying it wasn't difficult but it was doable and now that I'm out and living in my new place in a fun, hip little neighborhood I know it was the right move. People I don't even know very well have been coming up to me telling me how much better I look - and I feel better. It was hard for me to see how much it damaged me when I lived there because my perspective was too close but now that I'm away from it, I see how unhappy I really was and for the first time in years I have little moments of serenity. So I guess my answer is I did it one box at a time - and if it got overwhelming I stepped back an hour or so and then returned to the box....that's how I did it. The night before the move when I had it all packed I actually was excited....the next day the movers came and things went smoothly - even the movers who didn't know me said my new place was so "light and airy" compared to the old.

Im sorry for your loss. But it's time to think of yourself. Keep coming back.

Hugs from me too.

My AH is trying to dry out again for the umpteenth time & refuses any outside help so I'm done. I'm in the process of packing up myself. I brought 25 years of stuff from my
1st marriage into the second & now have been sorting, filing, donating, passing onto the kids in order to downsize & move on.

Took me 3 days to just go through 12 years of school stuff from my 3 kids & passed it onto them. I've boxes of memories. Cards galore, 3 huge containers of pictures before digital came along.

My AH is in no rush for me to leave & hopes I'll change my mind but I continue to sort & pack. As sad as it is right now, I hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel one day soon.

1 day at a time Winnie, 1 day at a time

Aeryn, I like that. One Box At a Time

Winnie, I am so very sorry that you are in this deteriorating situation with your AH. If it is time to go, then it is time to go and God bless you.

I left my now XAH after 20 years of marriage a year ago on July 4th. I went very suddenly after his verbal abuse and cross addictions came to a head and I could stay not another minute.

Now, 14 months later, I am divorced, in my own new house, and moved. It is a joy to be on my own.

It will be very helpful for you to have one or more consultations with divorce attorneys before you go any further. Usually the consultations are free, and you can choose who you feel most comfortable with. Use your time to find out what your legal rights are, including possession of the house, selling it, and dividing stuff.

As to how I dismantled a house after 20 years? I chose what I wanted to have with me in my new life. I chose what made me happy. I chose what I had good memories of.

I did not take anything that reminded me of the destructive, anguish, pain of living with him. And I am happy with much much less and with peace instead.

So, if you will both have to leave the house, or if he will be staying, I'd say go through each room and think about what you cherish and what makes you happy and pick those things. Pack them or mark them to be moved.

If there are things that make you unhappy but can be sold, mark those, too. If he doesn't want them, you can sell them. What's left, treat like an estate sale and have someone come in, value them, and remove them.

Some people just walk away and leave it all behind. Possessions are easy to come by. Serenity is worth everything.

There is a new life ahead. For me, I just couldn't wrap my head around how peaceful it was when I first left him. No chaos, no yelling, no dysfunction. My time and my thoughts were mine.

My best to you,

ShootingStar1

So sorry for your situation. Alcoholism is just a tragic horrible thing to deal with. I had 2 wonderful friends come over and help me pack. Much of the time they packed while I cried on the floor. I will be forever grateful to them. One of them had left her AH 2 years ago.

Hugs, winnie. I like 'one box at a time' too. Keeps it simple.

One box at a time does sound doable. I have a mess in my office, so I may translate this into one file at a time. Assess my situation after the first of the year.

Winnie, I'm so sorry it has come to this, but I applaud your clarity of vision in knowing what you need to do and your strength in doing it.

There have been some other threads recently about life after leaving the A, like this one: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...up-addict.html

I hope you get a chance to read some of those and that they help you keep your 'eyes on the prize' as you move on with your life.

Again, so sorry for all you've been thru...

One, next indicated step, at a time is the only thing that ever works for me. Best wishes!

I am here, too, after 17 years of hell and three kids later. I don't know how I'm going to manage to get packed up, without it killing me inside, but I've realized over the last 4 months, that there is NO hope for an "us" this time. I'd rather not have a pot to pi$$ in or a window to throw it out of, than the hell I'm in now.

Sue

I left my AH one-month after our 24th anniversary. That was 6 years ago, but it seems like an eternity. It was so incredibly hard.... people told me I was strong and brave; I felt scared, sad, and guilty (for being the "bad guy" and ruining our marriage).

I moved into a one-bedroom apartment. My 13-yo DD and I slept on a fold out couch. Every single thing in that apartment I carried in there myself (except for the couch & entertainment center - bought and delivered from a salvage furniture warehouse). I rented the apartment a couple of months before I actually moved out.... not because I planned well, but because I backed out the first couple times I was going to leave. He talked me into staying, and I gave in. I remember calling my brother (who was divorced from his AW) in tears.... I had a 6 month lease on the apartment and "I wasn't going to use it".... how stupid was I. His wise words were "Someday you will have had enough, and you will need a place to live; just hang on to the apartment."

But, point is; I took one duffel bag at a time, and I bought a few things at garage sales, and stored them in the apartment. When the day came where I had had enough (just as my brother predicted), I had a place to go. A few more loads of clothes and essentials, and I had a new home.

And it was peaceful, and I could relax and think. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to afford a better place to live; but found a house to move into after my lease was up. The situation had become much clearer, and I knew I wasn't going back. Filed for divorce, and was able to take my fair share of the furniture, etc. Hired movers; and had my brother there to play referee with my X. Everything else I wanted/needed was out of there, and into my new house in less than 4 hours.

You can do it, it will be OK. You are strong and brave!!!