jsk

I originally posted this in the newcomer forum and it was suggested I post also in this one: New to the forum but have been dealing with adult son's alcoholism for years. He is married and they are expecting a baby but my concern is what happens if she throws him out. Apparently, it is reaching the point where she may be issuing him ultimatums. My husband and I don't want him drinking his life away under our roof, putting us at risk of many of the consequences of his problem, but if he is homeless and out on the street I'm afraid he will commit suicide (he has alluded to that before). There has already been rehab, attempts at AA, 2 DWIs, etc, so we are at a loss. We have been to Al Anon, which was helpful, but I am really asking from a practical perspective, because I think we need to be prepared if she puts him out. He is going to start back with AA again today, and is seeing an MD about anxiety and depression, and has agreed to give up his keys and get a ride to work for a while, but if this fails, I just don't know what we'll do.

dandylion

jsk, in my experience I do not believe that you would be helping him by taking him under your roof. This would be softening his consequences. If he is ever to really take sobriety seriously he has to feel the pain of negative consequences that sobriety looks like an option that HE wants. Alluding to suicide is a frequent manipulation that is used because they know that it scares us parents to death--thus, we are more inclined to give in to their desires.

He knows very well, by now, where the help is. He just doesn't want to do it--yet.
He won't ever stand on his own two feet until he HAS to. Trust me--he will find shelter and food if he needs to. You can be sure that he will find liquor if he needs to. Don't let his "helplessness" fool you. Don't allow mother's guilt sway you.

I have been in your shoes and I know how hard it is for a parent. (So do they).

I wish I had drawn the hard line much sooner that I did.

I know this must sound harsh to you. Ask some long-time AA members--ones that have worked the program and are sober for many years if they agree with this advice. Seriously. I got some help from recovering alcoholics which really helped to open my eyes.

sincerely,
dandylion

Eddiebuckle

You can let him come to his own conclusions. Putting a roof over his head is an option, but how exactly will that help his sobriety? He and he alone will get himself sober when he is more terrified by the prospect of another day drinking than the thought of quitting. Nothing you say or do can give him this epiphany.

jsk

I agree with and understand what everyone is saying. I know it would not help him to take him in. I just can't figure out in my head what we would do with him. If he shows up at our house do we call the police to remove him? He will probably lose his job and his car/ insurance. He doesn't have any friends that would take him in. I guess we should tell him he can't come here, and just change the locks and go from there. Maybe I need to try to quit obsessing about it but I have a bad feeling this will not tun out well. Maybe hearing from others' experiences can give me a better perspective. Thanks for the replies.

Eddiebuckle

Letting him know in advance that you will not take him in is a good idea, and changing the locks better still. He needs to know that he is running out of options, and why. You might want to call your local united way and discuss what options/services exist in his geographical area, and have a list printed out should they be needed.

Mango blast

Does he want help? Is he open to doing rehab again?

There are many different rehab programs with some being heavy on the nutritional aspect of balancing out the body. The book 7 weeks to Sobriety is based on that. Some good info here: Alcoholism & Other Addictions

Of course, they all start with wanting to change. If that isn't there, nothing will help. Not to mention having a long term recovery program for after rehab. Being sober isn't the same as being in recovery. Good advice above with setting your boundaries. Good luck!

Recovering2

Every time my brother got himself in a corner, he would talk about dying, and my parents would panic and take him in. Fast forward 20+years...he is still drinking, and at 50yrs of age still living with my parents. Their life has been miserable, but it has been their choice to enable him.

The hardest, most loving thing you can do is respect he is an adult and let him make his own choices. If he makes choices that lead him to being homeless....that's his choice. I know that sounds mean, but I've seen what happens when fear gets in the way of letting him figure it out for himself. I would definitely let it be known that your house is not an option, and would change the locks to be sure.

I'm sooo sorry you're going through this. I wish my parents had the courage years ago, maybe they would have had a life for themselves.

DayTrader

Six yrs sobriety here.......and that post is dead on. Thank you alanoners!

I promise, I was and still am a master at using people. It makes me sick to admit I still manipulate once in a while in sobriety but I do. That said, you're darn right I'll find a way to get booze......food and shelter were less of a concern.

Everyone who helped shield me from my bottom..........basically helped me stay in my addiction longer. I don't blame them...I was good at fooling them and they were kind loving people (mostly family). Once I was on my own - and I knew I wasn't going to get any more "help"......it got a whole lot easier to walk my behind into a meeting and start taking action rather than just showing up at a meeting, getting a sheet signed and heading home to drink.