jessicajoe

My partner has now been dry and clean for two weeks. He has no plan or programme and I know it probably won't last but a part of me respects that he is trying.
Since I discovered SR I really am working on separating his "journey" from mine. I think working on things like co dependency and detachment means I will be less likely to be a mess if and when he starts drinking again.
There have been a couple of conversations where he has said things like "if you weren't here I would be drinking" and I have tried to respond with "your decision to drink or not has to be yours whether I am here or not"
What I'm wondering is whether I should be acknowledging the fact that he is at least making an attempt.
I read on one of the recovery threads about how good people felt when their partners said they were proud of them. I'm not actually telling him things like that right now and I wonder if I should be.
Tonight he sent me a picture email from work of his shifts for the next week. I didn't ask for that and he has never done it before. I'm not sure what the message is but I do understand that whether or not he drinks is not dependent on me knowing exactly when he should be at work. BUT if it helps him ?
I've read this and I know its all about him when it should be about me. I think what I'm asking for an opinion on. is in knowing what is detachment and what is supporting someone you love who is attempting sobriety?

thislonelygirl

Thats tough but detachment is for you.
Soooooooo.....anything that may have a negative effect on you or compromises your well being is what you should detach from.
Its ok to encourage your partner but do it without false hope, without trying to carry him through it and without being coheresed into the encouragement.
Too many times a loved one of an alcoholic gives encouragement for every little thing expecting it to be the icing ontop to get them to stop for good just to be let down and devistated when it isnt.
The second applies that carrying them through it by becoming too consumed in the alcoholics recovery that they arent really detaching ...they doctor and parent their partner which is a burden they have no business carrying.
The last - being coheresed into encouragement is a bullying and manipulating tactic for the alcobolic. This belief that everything they do that ultimately has to do with Their own recovery should be praised and admired. The alcoholic puts themselves on a pedastool . Once again unhealthy for the loved one.

SoloMio

There's a pretty well-known book out there by Robert J. Meyers that promotes a system of self-awareness and communication called CRAFT. I hesitate to mention the title, because it's a turn-off for anyone who believes in detachment and sticking to their own side of the street, but that being said, it's called "Getting Your Loved One Sober."

Enough about the title, though. The point is the book pretty much outlines basic Pavlovian punishment/reward tools to discourage drinking and encourage sobriety. In the case you're talking about, I think this system would advise you to simply use "I" message to state how YOU feel. When you have a pleasant afternoon with RAH, you can say, "I enjoyed being with you so much today."

OTOH, if you are trying to discourage negative behavior, like if you notice drinking, you simply say with no judgment/anger, "I don't enjoy being with you when you're drinking, so I'm going to [whatever you decide you are going to do in the face of that situation]"

I personally think your response to him was appropriate.

As far as the book goes, I think the part that leads you to examine your own triggers and establish detached responses is helpful, but I don't buy in to everything for sure.

Tuffgirl

I think the concept of detachment gets pretty warped. And yes, "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews is actually a very good book with a misleading title (probably meant to draw folks to it!)

Detachment isn't ignoring them. Or being totally silent. Or rude. Or not doing "little things" like cooking a meal or folding his laundry.

If you are proud of his attempts, tell him! If he does something kind, thank him! If he drinks again, let him be. If he tells you he would be drinking if you weren't there, tell him you hope he finds a way to not drink for himself, but if he is not drinking for you, right now that's acceptable because at least he is NOT DRINKING!

Detachment is removing the heavy focus on the addict. It's allowing them the dignity and respect of fixing their messes themselves. It's allowing ourselves the respect of living a good life regardless of what they, or anyone else for that matter, is doing. It's simply a shift in how we (codies) view the world around us.

If your AH is in a bad mood, fine. He can be in a bad mood and you can still go on and have a great day. Why? Because you aren't attached to his moods, thoughts, and behaviors. That's what detachment actually means. You are separate from him and don't need to be affected by what he does or doesn't do.

Hope that helps a bit...took me a long time to fully understand how to work this concept into my life without giving up the kindness and generosity that makes me...me.

healthyagain

Detachment - doing things that you do for yourself only that make you feel good and help you reconnect with yourself. Detachment comes in different shapes and forms: going for a walk, enjoying a movie, finding a hobby, exercising, saving money, etc. Living with an addict and letting his or her addiction affect you is like letting a python wrap itself around you. It squeezes life out of you.

So, I am, for example detaching from my husbands bad influence. The influence of his mood swings. I refuse any type of fighting and argument, I walk away, I do not mention his drinking, I do not nag, I do not count his beers. And I really started seeing that his addiction is absolutely not my problem. And that makes me feel great.

lizw

You could always try asking him what sort of help he would like from you and take it from there.

I've always seen detachment as a way of keeping myself safe emotionally. If I feel unsafe or like I maybe hurt I sort of switch off (emotionally) or remove myself from the situation.

This doesn't always work tho as sometimes it turns out my radar is working over time and I have reacted and missed out on something pleasant.

jessicajoe

Thank you all so much that helped lots.

As it happens he told me before he left for work that he bought a 12 pack of beer yesterday but thought better of it and left it in work. Apparently he is bringing it home tonight. So it looks like practicing detachment whilst he is trying to get sober won't be a problem for now.

The irony is that he wants Brownie points for honesty and "time served"
The sooner I get on top of detachment the better.