goodstitch

I got a message today from my qualifier. He's blocked so he called from a pay phone. He wanted to know why I had "vanished." I called back and plainly told him that his relapses are too much form me.

He wanted to see me but I said no. I said that I didn't want to talk to him until he's had a year of sobriety. But I wish I had said to just told him to take care of himself without giving him an opening in the future. Now, all I want to do is tell him how angry I am for him ruining what we "could have had." I've called him twice but he hasn't answered. Feeling like the addict here. Thank God I have an alanon meeting to go to tomorrow!!

It must be the need for drama. I want to ask him who else he is calling and telling he loves them. It can't just be me, they try to hold on to everyone. Someone please remind me that his drinking has nothing to do with me and it's not personal. I know it already, but it still makes me sad that sobriety and having me in his life wasn't enough.

I told my friend today that I will probably never get over who I thought he was. She said, "Oh, you will. In about 20 years or so." We both laughed

I hadn't seen or talked to him for 22 days. That was a pretty good stretch. In that time I started my new job, which is stressful enough, without having to deal with calls in the middle of the night or pleas for attention and comfort. What a difference from a year ago!

I'm going to keep moving forward. This was just a little bump in the road. I've made too much progress and I want so much more than I allowed myself to expect before.

Thank you for reading!
GS

ShootingStar1

Hey, Goodstitch -- Hang in there!!!!!

22 days was great, probably just long enough to remember why you went NO CONTACT in the first place, lol

From my experience, after 20 years with my now XAH, it doesn't take 20 years to recover, but staying away sure helps. Every time I've had to e-mail/talk with him over selling our joint house, I tank for a few days, then recover. It is so much easier for me when I don't get connected to his intermittent "I love you still" and am just left to heal without poking at the wound.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

ShootingStar1

Themeanone

His drinking has nothing to do with you.
I just left my abf 2 weeks ago.
And I get mad and sad because I wasn't enough. That no matter what I did or how patient I was, it was not enough. I still love him. And it still hurts. But everyday, I move forward a little bit more. And move further away from that. Everyday I find something, no matter how small to be grateful for.
It's ok to grieve the realtionship. It's ok to be mad, sad and glad. You were invested in it. Even if he wasn't.

spiderqueen

Ok I'll chime in! His drinking has nothing to do with you, and is not personal!

I am also apart from my XABF, 2 months now. I finally absolutely believe that there is nothing whatsoever I could have done. Neither could you.

Mine is currently "in recovery", so he says. But as I stated on another thread, his words are just static to me. His actions are all that matters, and if he really rebuilds his life and health (staying sober is just the beginning), I will know.

Meanwhile, my life goes on -- it is busy, full of work and love, my daughters and my friends, and every day I love MYSELF a little more.

I hope you will do the same, Goodstitch!
SQ

Lyssy

His drinking has nothing to do with you. The phone call doesnt either. It is all about him and his bottle.

goodstitch

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH I LIKE that, Lyssy! That's what gets me twisted up; thinking that I mean something. GOT TO REMEMBER THAT

Thanks!
GS

Lyssy

I almost didnt post it. I was worried it would come across too uncaring sounding.

Stay strong and if you cant, turn it around and make it about YOU. How dare he call you and disturb your peace.

goodstitch

Not uncaring. Honest. I want to believe I have the love of someone but I need to remember that the person must earn it. This guy throws around the word too easily. I had to call his sister to see if she knew anything and basically he uses this other woman when nobody else is around. I just called him and told him that I changed my mind and to not EVER call me again, not in a year, not ever! He is to disruptive to my life.
Thanks Lyssy!
Hugs!
GS

ZenMe

Alcoholics are funny creatures. He may have called you because his other girl wasn't giving him the time of day haha. As long as my x has some new guy to play up her drama with, I'm being left alone =).

Alcoholics even if they say the words "I love you.." can't back it up with actions because they are just simply unavailable to love because of their marriage to the bottle.

goodstitch

They seem so convincing, though. I read in someone's post that they want to do what they promise, but are simply incapable.
I've read so many of our posts and seen the same words over and over: when he's/she's sober he's/she's the most loving and wonderful person. It's so easy to become the intermittent chicken. I want to be strong and walk away. I say I'm going to move on, and maybe I am, but then I find myself missing that wonderful part and feel like a complete weakling. He is my crack, my bottle. I feel ashamed that I can't let go sometimes.

ZenMe

Letting go is not easy, and it's going to take time. I'm still working on it, 3 months later! I miss it too but if you calmly, rationally think about it, it was a BAD relationship going no where and sinking.

Make peace with it when you feel sad, cry it out, whatever, but try to move forward. Don't get stuck spinning your wheels in the sadness/grief.

I think it's also tougher for us because we were SO DAMN close to what we truly want. Someone we are attracted too, who we are truly connected to, all that...but in the end they can't give us what we need and we are killing ourselves being with them.

dandylion

Dear goodstitch--Listen, and listenup good= His actions are in no way (zero) reflection of YOUR worth!!!!!

Reminds me of the Taylor Swift song: "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together".