Rape and drugs and grief
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Rape and drugs and grief
My daughter was raped a week ago tonight. (she is 24) A week ago tonight she was drugged with some sort of date rape drug and kept for 4 hours by a stranger. For three of those hours I thought the worst nightmare a parent can have. And then she was found alive and I have my beautiful daughter in my arms tonight. Safe; at least physically. This week has been a whirlwind of rape kits, toxicology reports, detectives, caring for my daughter; trying to fit work in somehow but failing.
Tonight I think my strength is being to wane. I am starting to think about things and how people around my daughter are dealing with this. First, when my daughter was missing I got an INTENSE craving to call my EX-AB. Some primitive feeling wanted the fantasy of the man he never really was to suddenly appear. I have been No Contact for over 6 weeks and still the first person I thought of was him. uggg. Of course he would have been useless and I would have ended up taking care of him. I didn't call him (NO WAY), but called my friend who I know to be the most reliable and steady. Second, my daughter's best friend is a young woman who was in the front lines trying to find my daughter, calling the police, dealing with the search, is smoking weed every night and all day. Third, my ex-husband, my daughter's father is pretty ok, except day by day he is checking out more and more. I know he is a daily user of Vicodin and alcohol...he has been doing this for a long time, maybe in the last 8 years or so. I don't really know. Today my daughter had a huge anxiety attack and migraine, which brought on seizures which she gets on occasion if she is under considerable stress. We went to the E.R. and they gave her an IV of migraine medicine and an anti anxiety med. They sent her home with a script for a few Vicodin to get her through this difficult period. The pharmacy messed up the order and long story short, my daughter contacted her dad. My daughter said, "Dad has Vicodin, I can borrow one from him. I heard her on the phone, actually negotiating with her dad. She said, "Don't worry Daddy, I will get it back to you tomorrow". She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Yeah, he has a problem" I have not been with this man for 20 years and I knew from my daughter in the last couple years he has issues, but not where he would actually negotiate with his daughter who has a true medical need/emergency. I bring my daughter home from the hospital and her dad comes over and gives her a Vicodin which my daughter puts into a bottle and puts away. She leaves the room and her dad said, OMG I am soooo stressed, reaches into his pocket, pulls out two Vicodin and pops them in his mouth, no water and says, "ahhhhh." I am just disgusted on so many levels. I have learned enough from Al-Anon, that there is nothing I can say; I just walked out of the room.
I am feeling dark about humanity tonight. Drug and alcohol abuse seems to be everywhere.
By the way, my daughter's rapist? Apparently he fell off the wagon; he is an alcoholic. All I can do is weep right now.
Love
Carrie
Tonight I think my strength is being to wane. I am starting to think about things and how people around my daughter are dealing with this. First, when my daughter was missing I got an INTENSE craving to call my EX-AB. Some primitive feeling wanted the fantasy of the man he never really was to suddenly appear. I have been No Contact for over 6 weeks and still the first person I thought of was him. uggg. Of course he would have been useless and I would have ended up taking care of him. I didn't call him (NO WAY), but called my friend who I know to be the most reliable and steady. Second, my daughter's best friend is a young woman who was in the front lines trying to find my daughter, calling the police, dealing with the search, is smoking weed every night and all day. Third, my ex-husband, my daughter's father is pretty ok, except day by day he is checking out more and more. I know he is a daily user of Vicodin and alcohol...he has been doing this for a long time, maybe in the last 8 years or so. I don't really know. Today my daughter had a huge anxiety attack and migraine, which brought on seizures which she gets on occasion if she is under considerable stress. We went to the E.R. and they gave her an IV of migraine medicine and an anti anxiety med. They sent her home with a script for a few Vicodin to get her through this difficult period. The pharmacy messed up the order and long story short, my daughter contacted her dad. My daughter said, "Dad has Vicodin, I can borrow one from him. I heard her on the phone, actually negotiating with her dad. She said, "Don't worry Daddy, I will get it back to you tomorrow". She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Yeah, he has a problem" I have not been with this man for 20 years and I knew from my daughter in the last couple years he has issues, but not where he would actually negotiate with his daughter who has a true medical need/emergency. I bring my daughter home from the hospital and her dad comes over and gives her a Vicodin which my daughter puts into a bottle and puts away. She leaves the room and her dad said, OMG I am soooo stressed, reaches into his pocket, pulls out two Vicodin and pops them in his mouth, no water and says, "ahhhhh." I am just disgusted on so many levels. I have learned enough from Al-Anon, that there is nothing I can say; I just walked out of the room.
I am feeling dark about humanity tonight. Drug and alcohol abuse seems to be everywhere.
By the way, my daughter's rapist? Apparently he fell off the wagon; he is an alcoholic. All I can do is weep right now.
Love
Carrie
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Im sorry about your daughter. Its a disgusting world out there and the more life we live the more real it is that people are screwed up individuals.
Alcoholism is no excuse ....what he did was beyond criminal.
I too have begun noticing how much people drink and do drugs even without being "addicts"...how much they abuse or overuse a substance.
I hope your daughter heals as fast as she can. Though it wont ever seem fast enough.
Blessings to you
Alcoholism is no excuse ....what he did was beyond criminal.
I too have begun noticing how much people drink and do drugs even without being "addicts"...how much they abuse or overuse a substance.
I hope your daughter heals as fast as she can. Though it wont ever seem fast enough.
Blessings to you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Carrie, I am so sorry. If your daughter needs an additional support, now or whenever she might be ready, the website Pandora's Project (Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Online Support & Chat Room) is a great resource. It's also good for loved ones looking to offer support and get support of their own.
Wishing you and your daughter strength and peace.
Michelle
Wishing you and your daughter strength and peace.
Michelle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
Carrie, I am so sorry. If your daughter needs an additional support, now or whenever she might be ready, the website Pandora's Project (Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Online Support & Chat Room) is a great resource. It's also good for loved ones looking to offer support and get support of their own.
Wishing you and your daughter strength and peace.
Michelle
Wishing you and your daughter strength and peace.
Michelle
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Im sorry to hear what happened; my prayers are with your family tonight, and that light, hope, peace will return to all of you soon.
Sometimes the darkness in the world does seem to overwhelm; so many lives will be forever changed by this event fueled by drugs and alcohol.
Sometimes the darkness in the world does seem to overwhelm; so many lives will be forever changed by this event fueled by drugs and alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I'm so sorry this has happened to your daughter, and you as well. The world can be a very ugly place sometimes.
I wish you both all the strength you need to make it through, and much love, light, and serenity.
I wish you both all the strength you need to make it through, and much love, light, and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
nbay, so sorry for all your daughter and you are going thru right now.
I'd like to second the recommendation for Pandora's Aquarium. My stepfather abused me as a child and I used that site when I finally addressed the problem several years ago. It's much like SR in that there is a phenomenal amount of wisdom and support there; I feel sure your daughter and you could both benefit from it.
Hoping for peace and healing for both.
I'd like to second the recommendation for Pandora's Aquarium. My stepfather abused me as a child and I used that site when I finally addressed the problem several years ago. It's much like SR in that there is a phenomenal amount of wisdom and support there; I feel sure your daughter and you could both benefit from it.
Hoping for peace and healing for both.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Oh god, I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. I also recommend Pandora's Aquarium, but I also recommend, maybe not immediately but soon, trying to get your daughter to a therapist that deals with rape and PTSD. PTSD presents differently in women than in men, and it looks like depression and flightiness and nervousness and ADD.
Take care of yourself during this dark time. Be very kind and loving to yourself so you can support your daughter with kindness and love.
Take care of yourself during this dark time. Be very kind and loving to yourself so you can support your daughter with kindness and love.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Carrie,
I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions/concerns about the legal end of things. I'm a retired prosecutor and I still work in the field of DV and violence against women (including sexual assault).
Also, you can both take maximum advantage of the many awesome services for victims available in San Diego. It's one of the most advanced places in the country for helping survivors navigate the system and to recover. Your daughter's victim advocate can hook her up with counseling, go to court with her, explain stuff, whatever she needs.
Hugs,
I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions/concerns about the legal end of things. I'm a retired prosecutor and I still work in the field of DV and violence against women (including sexual assault).
Also, you can both take maximum advantage of the many awesome services for victims available in San Diego. It's one of the most advanced places in the country for helping survivors navigate the system and to recover. Your daughter's victim advocate can hook her up with counseling, go to court with her, explain stuff, whatever she needs.
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by Florence
Oh god, I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. I also recommend Pandora's Aquarium, but I also recommend, maybe not immediately but soon, trying to get your daughter to a therapist that deals with rape and PTSD. PTSD presents differently in women than in men, and it looks like depression and flightiness and nervousness and ADD.
Take care of yourself during this dark time. Be very kind and loving to yourself so you can support your daughter with kindness and love.
Take care of yourself during this dark time. Be very kind and loving to yourself so you can support your daughter with kindness and love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Carrie,
I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions/concerns about the legal end of things. I'm a retired prosecutor and I still work in the field of DV and violence against women (including sexual assault).
Also, you can both take maximum advantage of the many awesome services for victims available in San Diego. It's one of the most advanced places in the country for helping survivors navigate the system and to recover. Your daughter's victim advocate can hook her up with counseling, go to court with her, explain stuff, whatever she needs.
Hugs,
I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. Please feel free to pm me if you have any questions/concerns about the legal end of things. I'm a retired prosecutor and I still work in the field of DV and violence against women (including sexual assault).
Also, you can both take maximum advantage of the many awesome services for victims available in San Diego. It's one of the most advanced places in the country for helping survivors navigate the system and to recover. Your daughter's victim advocate can hook her up with counseling, go to court with her, explain stuff, whatever she needs.
Hugs,
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