Wisconsin

When I was in early recovery, I was the absolute queen of setting "boundaries" for all the wrong reasons: to try to control someone else. I would identify a behavior that bothered me, create a boundary about it, talk incessantly to my AH about my "boundary," then sort of enforce it with great fanfare when he inevitably crossed the boundary. As I advanced in my recovery, I learned to examine my motives behind boundary-setting. It has been one of the hardest parts of recovery for me: to set real boundaries that are in place only for the purpose of protecting myself and my children.

Things have deteriorated quickly for my AH, who is far away for work. I have adjusted my communication strategies with him (minimizing phone time, maximizing texting, for example) so that I am only talking with him at times and about subjects that do not interfere with my serenity. He has a history of allowing his temper to be triggered big time when our son asks him if he's coming home soon, or coming home tomorrow, etc. It has happened often enough that I have set a boundary (for myself, no one else) that if my son says something like that to my AH on the phone, when they are done with their conversation I end the call with my AH and do any further communicating via text. I used to go on and on and on to my AH about what my boundaries are. Now I just set these communication-related boundaries, don't say a word about them, and just put them in place. I'm proud to say that tonight, when my son made the statement that my AH allows to trigger his anger (anger at ME, not anger at our son, because he blames me for the fact that he has to work so far away), I put my plan/boundary into action solely for the purpose of protecting myself from another rage-filled telephone tirade. My AH was free to feel angry and sad about having to be away, and I was free to enjoy the rest of my evening without being screamed at.

This is one of those small victories that just feels so huge to me. Probably because this is an area where, even three years into recovery, I STILL use boundaries as tools to manipulate. Not tonight, though!

Recovering2

Great job! It's hard to learn that boundaries aren't for the A, they're for us. As you said, don't need to announce what they are, just put them in place. Well done!

Seren

Thank you for sharing this, Wisconsin! So glad you had a drama-free night

mrschoices

If I may, why does AH blame you for having to be working so far away?
Thanks

Wisconsin

The short answer is because I cannot/will not move to an area where he can get work. To do so would involve me leaving my daughters from my first marriage behind, and the fact that he even dares to "demand" that I do so is just more evidence of how totally irrational he has become in his disease.

Florence

Thank you for sharing this. It sounds so familiar.

Today, several years into this journey, my boundaries are about managing me, my feelings, my safety, and my ability to be stable and provide a stable household for my children. It means going without sometimes, and being distant with some people that in the past I would have stuck to like glue, but I like myself better today. And as for going without, there are so many other ways to indulge myself -- an early bedtime, a lovely herbal tea, a few hours to myself. Five years ago I would have felt entitled to nice things and relaxation, and resentful that I couldn't have it. Having hit my personal bottom, I'm so grateful to have these things available to me when I need to rebuild myself.