Taking Care Of Ourselves!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Taking Care Of Ourselves!
Hello all,
I have not posted for quite awhile. It has been a little over a year now since I last spoke to my XAGF. And for all of you out there that are still suffering, it does get better over time. There are times that I still miss her, but my life is so much better without her in it.
It is not until you truly are able to let go of the alcoholic, that your life can once again become your own.
Just a quick history, my girlfriend had been in my life for over 8 years. I went through everything with her imaginable. I stood by her side through everything. I even saved her life when she tried to commit suicide in front of me.
With the help of Al-Anon I finally began to find the strength that I needed to really help her and see my part in the relationship. She ended up in detox then rehab and now resides in sober living.
I went through the entire process with her. Her family who live out of state only found out how bad things were once she became hospitalized. I was not only there for her throughout the whole ordeal, but was there for the entire family. Her mother told me that I was a Godsend to her daughter and her family.
Then two weeks out of rehab, true alcoholic that she is, she met a man and dropped me like a hot potato. I was devastated.
Of course she was doing the biggest no-no for the newly sober by entering into a new relationship, but that is what alcoholics do.
What I did not know then, but know now is that she gave me the ultimate gift. As the saying goes, "God does for us, what we cannot do for ourselves."
In one short year I have accomplished so many goals that I know I never would have achieved if I was still going out with her.
And of course as you might have guessed, I did hear that she has relapsed over and over again.
I am writing today because in spite of everything I just said, after our breakup I never heard from her again, and in some ways even more upsetting I never heard from her family. I have thought about calling her or her family to just find out how things are going.
This is my disease talking. Why would I want to reconnect when my life is going so well, with someone who made my life a living hell?
Because just as she immediately found a new man, because that is what alcoholics do, I want to reconnect with chaos, because that is what I do.
I am not going to call her or her family. I am writing this and I will later tonight go to an Al-Anon meeting.
I cannot stress to you enough how much better life gets once you step out from under the dark cloud.
After a certain amount of time has passed in sobriety many alcoholics relapse thinking that since they have gone sober for this amount of time, maybe they can now handle it.
We do the same. Only instead of reaching for the drink, we reach out to the alcoholic.
My life is the best it has been in many years.
I have not reached out to misery for over a year, and I am not going to start now.
Take care of yourself, it really does pay off.
I have not posted for quite awhile. It has been a little over a year now since I last spoke to my XAGF. And for all of you out there that are still suffering, it does get better over time. There are times that I still miss her, but my life is so much better without her in it.
It is not until you truly are able to let go of the alcoholic, that your life can once again become your own.
Just a quick history, my girlfriend had been in my life for over 8 years. I went through everything with her imaginable. I stood by her side through everything. I even saved her life when she tried to commit suicide in front of me.
With the help of Al-Anon I finally began to find the strength that I needed to really help her and see my part in the relationship. She ended up in detox then rehab and now resides in sober living.
I went through the entire process with her. Her family who live out of state only found out how bad things were once she became hospitalized. I was not only there for her throughout the whole ordeal, but was there for the entire family. Her mother told me that I was a Godsend to her daughter and her family.
Then two weeks out of rehab, true alcoholic that she is, she met a man and dropped me like a hot potato. I was devastated.
Of course she was doing the biggest no-no for the newly sober by entering into a new relationship, but that is what alcoholics do.
What I did not know then, but know now is that she gave me the ultimate gift. As the saying goes, "God does for us, what we cannot do for ourselves."
In one short year I have accomplished so many goals that I know I never would have achieved if I was still going out with her.
And of course as you might have guessed, I did hear that she has relapsed over and over again.
I am writing today because in spite of everything I just said, after our breakup I never heard from her again, and in some ways even more upsetting I never heard from her family. I have thought about calling her or her family to just find out how things are going.
This is my disease talking. Why would I want to reconnect when my life is going so well, with someone who made my life a living hell?
Because just as she immediately found a new man, because that is what alcoholics do, I want to reconnect with chaos, because that is what I do.
I am not going to call her or her family. I am writing this and I will later tonight go to an Al-Anon meeting.
I cannot stress to you enough how much better life gets once you step out from under the dark cloud.
After a certain amount of time has passed in sobriety many alcoholics relapse thinking that since they have gone sober for this amount of time, maybe they can now handle it.
We do the same. Only instead of reaching for the drink, we reach out to the alcoholic.
My life is the best it has been in many years.
I have not reached out to misery for over a year, and I am not going to start now.
Take care of yourself, it really does pay off.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
soexhausted--thank you soo much for taking the time to let us know how your life is going.
You can never overestimate how important your story is to those who are still struggling with the "letting go " phase.
You have come a long way, baby.
dandylion
You can never overestimate how important your story is to those who are still struggling with the "letting go " phase.
You have come a long way, baby.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
Thank you for your post. The last several days I have had a strong desire to reach out to my XAH. I know he is poison to me just like alcohol is poison to him but I still struggle. I try to justify it by thinking that I still care. Your post reminds me of the importance of rejecting the chaos in my life. It amazes me how hard it is for us to let go. I agree with you that God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. I was blessed(?) with the gift of goodbye as well. It hurts all the same.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 5
So,
Thank you for your post. I am a newbie here. My soon to be exhusband left me a year and a half ago. Originally I thought he was having a midlife crisis, but with therapy and the rose colored glasses coming off, I realize he is an alcoholic. And that his disease is progressing. I have not seen or heard from him--- I put up huge walls and will not let him in.
I thought this made me a terrible person, but I am realizing that total no contact is best for me. I cannot/ will not give him any more of myself.
I realize now that him running away from home was the best gift he could give to me and our sons.
Thank you for your post. I am a newbie here. My soon to be exhusband left me a year and a half ago. Originally I thought he was having a midlife crisis, but with therapy and the rose colored glasses coming off, I realize he is an alcoholic. And that his disease is progressing. I have not seen or heard from him--- I put up huge walls and will not let him in.
I thought this made me a terrible person, but I am realizing that total no contact is best for me. I cannot/ will not give him any more of myself.
I realize now that him running away from home was the best gift he could give to me and our sons.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Thank you for the timely post, soexhausted.
I have not seen my A in over 6weeks (notice I am still counting). I finally broke it off after 3 years of carnival-fun-house-roller-coaster-from-hell love.
We have contact via text and the occasional phone call. He is on his Best Behavior, maybe finally realizing the terrible damage he inflicted. (?) He may or may not be recovering, working a program, I don't know, I have let it all go.
Every day, I have to re-enforce my boundaries, reiterate my resolve, and remember the reality. I visit this site, and my own individual therapist, re-read my journal entries. Haven't been to an alanon mtg in awhile, but I know I need to go.
Thank you to everyone, for your willingness to share your personal experiences here on SR. It has been invaluable to me.
SQ
I have not seen my A in over 6weeks (notice I am still counting). I finally broke it off after 3 years of carnival-fun-house-roller-coaster-from-hell love.
We have contact via text and the occasional phone call. He is on his Best Behavior, maybe finally realizing the terrible damage he inflicted. (?) He may or may not be recovering, working a program, I don't know, I have let it all go.
Every day, I have to re-enforce my boundaries, reiterate my resolve, and remember the reality. I visit this site, and my own individual therapist, re-read my journal entries. Haven't been to an alanon mtg in awhile, but I know I need to go.
Thank you to everyone, for your willingness to share your personal experiences here on SR. It has been invaluable to me.
SQ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
For all of you out there, I can not reiterate enough that it does get easier with time. But you really do have to go no contact. Every call, every text, every letter keeps the connection alive.
There is an old joke in Al-Anon, that when an Al-Anon dies they see someone else's life flash before their eyes.
It is difficult loosing an alcoholic, our entire life had become theirs and when they are gone there is a huge void.
That feeling of emptiness is now being on our own to live our own life.
So stay strong, because once you are able to fill that hole inside you with YOU instead of THEM, your life can truly begin again.
There is an old joke in Al-Anon, that when an Al-Anon dies they see someone else's life flash before their eyes.
It is difficult loosing an alcoholic, our entire life had become theirs and when they are gone there is a huge void.
That feeling of emptiness is now being on our own to live our own life.
So stay strong, because once you are able to fill that hole inside you with YOU instead of THEM, your life can truly begin again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Just a quick update:
Yesterday I had lunch with a mutual friend of mine and my XAGF. I told her how it has been a year and I have thought about contacting her.
She said, "I wasn't going to bring her up, but since you did, you might want to consider before reaching out to her, that in the past year she has never had more then 90 days of sobriety.
She also left the guy who she was cheating on you with for a guy that she was cheating on the other guy with.
Do you still want to give her a call?"
Why would I assume that her life is now different?
Because that is what we like to tell ourselves over and over again, despite the reality. That is our shortcoming.
Every time she was not in my life and I had a desire to contact her, I have always felt far better when I reseted the temptation then when I gave into it!
I am one year sober from her. I am not about to break my sobriety and take that drink of her that can at times be so alluring.
Yesterday I had lunch with a mutual friend of mine and my XAGF. I told her how it has been a year and I have thought about contacting her.
She said, "I wasn't going to bring her up, but since you did, you might want to consider before reaching out to her, that in the past year she has never had more then 90 days of sobriety.
She also left the guy who she was cheating on you with for a guy that she was cheating on the other guy with.
Do you still want to give her a call?"
Why would I assume that her life is now different?
Because that is what we like to tell ourselves over and over again, despite the reality. That is our shortcoming.
Every time she was not in my life and I had a desire to contact her, I have always felt far better when I reseted the temptation then when I gave into it!
I am one year sober from her. I am not about to break my sobriety and take that drink of her that can at times be so alluring.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
soexhausted, there was a recent post from someone who was in pain b/c she believed that her A had left her and now he was in recovery, getting sober and going to be w/someone else as a sober, wonderful person. It seemed unfair that she got all the crap and someone else would get the benefits.
I really hope that person comes here and sees exactly what that "recovery" probably looks like.
Thanks for posting this--it's a cold shot of reality, isn't it....
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Congratulations on your growth in that year!
I really hope that person comes here and sees exactly what that "recovery" probably looks like.
Thanks for posting this--it's a cold shot of reality, isn't it....
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Congratulations on your growth in that year!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2
My sister has has problems with alcohol for over ten years now. Things reached the worst they ever have around six years ago, when she was regularly brought home in a state by the police, found sleeping under bridges and going missing for days. Things have since then not been as extreme, but I believe this is mainly because my sister is no longer living with my father. He didn't force her to leave, she wanted to live outside of the family home and always has wanted her own space. She has lived with a number of partners, all now failed relationships, and now lives alone.
She has never been able to hold down a job, with her current job of 18 months being the longest she has ever held. Her alcoholism has remained a constant problem over the last ten years, with her turning to alcohol to 'cope' with her everyday life. She also has recently in last two years been diagnosed with bi-polar and personally disorders. I feel that now this has been diagnosed, instead of facing up to her problems she hides behind her mental illness, using this as an excuse and even explanation of her drinking behaviour. She has a number of friends through a bi-polar meeting group, but I feel these friendships aren't healthy for her when she is still very vulnerable.
My father and I have accepted that she will always have her problems and never recover to have no mental difficulties, and will most likely never live her life without dependency on alcohol or the medication she takes daily for her mental illness and related symptoms.
However, although I claim to have reached acceptance of this, I am still struggling to move on with my life with a alcohol and medication dependent sibling. I feel as though I am expected to continue my relationship with her and offer support, when I have in truth lost all respect and compassion for her. Of course I will always love her as my sister, but I am afraid I will never be at peace with our relationship again in her current state and lifestyle choice.
I am struggling more than every recently, after believing for a while she has been sober (16 months) and recently discovering she is drinking. This is not the first time she has relapsed, and I can't be sure she ever stopped drinking at all. I know you are advised to not feel disappointment if your sibling relapses, but how long are you expected to stand by their side, and be supportive to their lifestyle? Often, this feels as if it is at a sacrifice to my own happiness.
I am not sure what to do anymore.
She has never been able to hold down a job, with her current job of 18 months being the longest she has ever held. Her alcoholism has remained a constant problem over the last ten years, with her turning to alcohol to 'cope' with her everyday life. She also has recently in last two years been diagnosed with bi-polar and personally disorders. I feel that now this has been diagnosed, instead of facing up to her problems she hides behind her mental illness, using this as an excuse and even explanation of her drinking behaviour. She has a number of friends through a bi-polar meeting group, but I feel these friendships aren't healthy for her when she is still very vulnerable.
My father and I have accepted that she will always have her problems and never recover to have no mental difficulties, and will most likely never live her life without dependency on alcohol or the medication she takes daily for her mental illness and related symptoms.
However, although I claim to have reached acceptance of this, I am still struggling to move on with my life with a alcohol and medication dependent sibling. I feel as though I am expected to continue my relationship with her and offer support, when I have in truth lost all respect and compassion for her. Of course I will always love her as my sister, but I am afraid I will never be at peace with our relationship again in her current state and lifestyle choice.
I am struggling more than every recently, after believing for a while she has been sober (16 months) and recently discovering she is drinking. This is not the first time she has relapsed, and I can't be sure she ever stopped drinking at all. I know you are advised to not feel disappointment if your sibling relapses, but how long are you expected to stand by their side, and be supportive to their lifestyle? Often, this feels as if it is at a sacrifice to my own happiness.
I am not sure what to do anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Hi Blindbat 22,
I am sorry for what you are going through.
I do not know if you have reached out to Al-Anon, you do not mention it in your post. But I can tell you with no hesitation that in some of the darkest periods of my life, it saved me.
Hearing and talking to people that have similar stories to your own is incredibly comforting. Unlike friends and family who might truly want to help, unless someone has dealt with addiction it is hard for them to really understand what we go through.
I understand your anger and frustration. I understand your always wanting to believe that things are better each time your sister is sober. I had all of these same feelings.
Her choices are her own. She has her life to live and you have yours. There is a saying in Al-Anon, "Detaching with love." You can still love her, but for your sake as well as hers, you need to let her go. (Only you can figure out what letting go means to you.)
Everything in our life starts getting better once we learn to start taking care of ourselves.
I hope you find that start.
I am sorry for what you are going through.
I do not know if you have reached out to Al-Anon, you do not mention it in your post. But I can tell you with no hesitation that in some of the darkest periods of my life, it saved me.
Hearing and talking to people that have similar stories to your own is incredibly comforting. Unlike friends and family who might truly want to help, unless someone has dealt with addiction it is hard for them to really understand what we go through.
I understand your anger and frustration. I understand your always wanting to believe that things are better each time your sister is sober. I had all of these same feelings.
Her choices are her own. She has her life to live and you have yours. There is a saying in Al-Anon, "Detaching with love." You can still love her, but for your sake as well as hers, you need to let her go. (Only you can figure out what letting go means to you.)
Everything in our life starts getting better once we learn to start taking care of ourselves.
I hope you find that start.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
You might not have the girl but you are free.
soexhausted, we wish you free.
Genie, You're Free! - YouTube
Dream other dreams, and better.
soexhausted, we wish you free.
Genie, You're Free! - YouTube
Dream other dreams, and better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Thank you, HoneyPig for leading me here (I think I'm the one she's talking about in her 9/17 post). I will read this again and again to remind me what alcoholism really looks like, to take care of myself, and to keep hoping for better. I know I'll be grieving and feeling sad, but I often selectively forget the crap. The twist in my story is that my ex and I have a child together, so I have been seeing him every time he sees our son (2-4x/week). I have decided to have someone act as a liaison so that I don't have to see him anymore. The only thing is that I have to trust this person not to leave my son with X if he appears unsafe. I don't know who this person will be (family is all at least 45 min. drive away). Perhaps I should ask my Higher Power.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Thank you for the WONDERFUL post showing it really does get better. And also showing that we have a choice when a craving for a drink/phone call pops up. We can get to a meeting, post on the website or call someone in Alanon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 122
Thank you all for the kind words.
When I first started posting my life was hell. I thought that I was destined to always be unhappy.
That all changed when I hit my bottom. I finally decided no more!
It was time to make myself the priority.
It was time to take control of my life and start taking care of me.
No matter how bad or how hopeless your life might feel right now, it can change.
If it could change for me, it can change for you.
I wish you all the best!
When I first started posting my life was hell. I thought that I was destined to always be unhappy.
That all changed when I hit my bottom. I finally decided no more!
It was time to make myself the priority.
It was time to take control of my life and start taking care of me.
No matter how bad or how hopeless your life might feel right now, it can change.
If it could change for me, it can change for you.
I wish you all the best!
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