Reposted from newcomers. Still struggling this morning.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Reposted from newcomers. Still struggling this morning.
am in a relationship with 36 year old alcoholic. He has never had a realtionship longer than 2 years, no children, never married. He has been drinking for 15 years. I am 38, married for 11 years, divorced for 3, with a 12 year old son.
Also, I should note that my parents were drinkers and that I worked in an alcohol treatment facility for over a year.
We have been living together for the last year. I didn't know he was an A until we moved in together. And I was in for a surprise. Pretty typical drunk behaviour, black outs, bed wetting, no violence. have never seen anyone drink like this, a gallon of liquor in 24 hours, he doesn't vomit. A fifth a night for 31 days. After that "runner" we sat down and had a serious talk, this was 11 months in. He told me he was an A. That he didn't want to lose me or my son to it. I asked him if he was ready to quit and he said he didnt know. I said don't tell me you are ready when you aren't. He wanted to come up with a plan. I tol him that he had to want to do it for himself, not me. And l wasn't going to lay down any rules. He had to make his own rules. So he came up with a list of rules, no hard alcohol when the boy was home ( every other week). No starting until 7. No driving. No hiding it. And if none of this works, he'll quit.
What I didn't know is he was would stretch every rule he made.
And manipulate the rules as he saw fit. I never flat out confronted him, browbeat him, or humiliated him. But I was being the drinking police, counting how many he had, how many were left, watching him for signs of the reptile ( signaling a black out) looking for hidden bottles etc
Finally a week and a half ago, i was 1 day post op on a hernia surgery, we were at home, he was having what he calls his ration which is 2 4 loko's, and as many beers as he could drink. Ordinarily this ration would include a half pin of schnapps so I guess he was trying to be good ( sarcasm) and passing out during the movie we were watching. I was uncomfortable and angry, and I said that I was disappointed that knowing I just had surgery he chose to drink. He said that I was past the 24 hour window, and that if i didn't want him to drink, i should have said so earlier. ( wtf!?!) and we argued. He told me to get the f*** out of his house, that he payed the bills and he made the rules. Soooo i did. After four days, i came back to tell him I was leaving. He was in bed, hungover and vomiting ( i don't even know what all he drank to induce that, never seen him vomit before) had missed work and wanted to fight every detail. He did say he should have never told me to get out, that he was being mean for the sake of meaness. I finally told him that I hated that he drank. Hated the smell. Hated how he looked when he drank. Hated waking up in his ****. Hated it all. And he said he didnt know I felt this way. I told him toget help and i walked. Was hard because the codie in me wanted to take care of him, feed him, wash him up, but I walked.
I moved all my stuff out this past Sunday the 8th. I also told his parents, he brother and his friends what was happening and what had been happening, that he needed to get help. I used to say that I would never ask him to choose because i know i would lose. What I know now id I never had a chance.
I have my own place, and will be moving in this coming weekend.
Here is my problem... Is it possible to keep a relationship with him, should I keep a relationship with him? We have texted, he says he loves me and wants to work it out, he has not promised to quit, in fact he says he is scared he can't. He has said that when arguing he wants to when so he doesn't fight fair. I told him he that he should have took that will to win and applied it to us. He says he is scared because he is afraid he can't quit drinking . I have told him that I will not live in his house. Period. My thought is According to his "rules" if it's my house I can make the rules. No drinking in my house. No drinking before you come to see me. If you aren't ready to quit, fine, but i will not be around it. Will this work? Or is it more codie crap on my part? I don't know what to do. I love sober him. I miss sober him. He says rehab doesn't work for him. That he has tapered back for me more than any other person.
Also, I should note that my parents were drinkers and that I worked in an alcohol treatment facility for over a year.
We have been living together for the last year. I didn't know he was an A until we moved in together. And I was in for a surprise. Pretty typical drunk behaviour, black outs, bed wetting, no violence. have never seen anyone drink like this, a gallon of liquor in 24 hours, he doesn't vomit. A fifth a night for 31 days. After that "runner" we sat down and had a serious talk, this was 11 months in. He told me he was an A. That he didn't want to lose me or my son to it. I asked him if he was ready to quit and he said he didnt know. I said don't tell me you are ready when you aren't. He wanted to come up with a plan. I tol him that he had to want to do it for himself, not me. And l wasn't going to lay down any rules. He had to make his own rules. So he came up with a list of rules, no hard alcohol when the boy was home ( every other week). No starting until 7. No driving. No hiding it. And if none of this works, he'll quit.
What I didn't know is he was would stretch every rule he made.
And manipulate the rules as he saw fit. I never flat out confronted him, browbeat him, or humiliated him. But I was being the drinking police, counting how many he had, how many were left, watching him for signs of the reptile ( signaling a black out) looking for hidden bottles etc
Finally a week and a half ago, i was 1 day post op on a hernia surgery, we were at home, he was having what he calls his ration which is 2 4 loko's, and as many beers as he could drink. Ordinarily this ration would include a half pin of schnapps so I guess he was trying to be good ( sarcasm) and passing out during the movie we were watching. I was uncomfortable and angry, and I said that I was disappointed that knowing I just had surgery he chose to drink. He said that I was past the 24 hour window, and that if i didn't want him to drink, i should have said so earlier. ( wtf!?!) and we argued. He told me to get the f*** out of his house, that he payed the bills and he made the rules. Soooo i did. After four days, i came back to tell him I was leaving. He was in bed, hungover and vomiting ( i don't even know what all he drank to induce that, never seen him vomit before) had missed work and wanted to fight every detail. He did say he should have never told me to get out, that he was being mean for the sake of meaness. I finally told him that I hated that he drank. Hated the smell. Hated how he looked when he drank. Hated waking up in his ****. Hated it all. And he said he didnt know I felt this way. I told him toget help and i walked. Was hard because the codie in me wanted to take care of him, feed him, wash him up, but I walked.
I moved all my stuff out this past Sunday the 8th. I also told his parents, he brother and his friends what was happening and what had been happening, that he needed to get help. I used to say that I would never ask him to choose because i know i would lose. What I know now id I never had a chance.
I have my own place, and will be moving in this coming weekend.
Here is my problem... Is it possible to keep a relationship with him, should I keep a relationship with him? We have texted, he says he loves me and wants to work it out, he has not promised to quit, in fact he says he is scared he can't. He has said that when arguing he wants to when so he doesn't fight fair. I told him he that he should have took that will to win and applied it to us. He says he is scared because he is afraid he can't quit drinking . I have told him that I will not live in his house. Period. My thought is According to his "rules" if it's my house I can make the rules. No drinking in my house. No drinking before you come to see me. If you aren't ready to quit, fine, but i will not be around it. Will this work? Or is it more codie crap on my part? I don't know what to do. I love sober him. I miss sober him. He says rehab doesn't work for him. That he has tapered back for me more than any other person.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
they say when people SHOW you who they are, BELIEVE them.
rules, restrictions and limits will not work with him. he's a full out full time drunk with a big problem...there is no control, no moderation. you have seen that first hand now, believe it.
what did he say? that he had cut back for you more than anyone else? wooo, how impressive. not. he, who has never had a relationship of more than 2 years. guess we know why that is.
when exactly did you SEE the sober him? was it for long stretches of sobriety? months? years? or are we talking days in between binges? cuz that ain't sober....that's drying out and powering up for the next run. it's what addicts do.
please think of how all this affects and has affected your child. you are right, YOUR house, YOUR rules. keep it that way. keep your young impressionable son safe. adults wetting the bed and in black out drunk rages against his parent are not conducive to good sound mental and emotional health of a child. i'm glad you have your own place. and i'm glad you got out so quickly.
rules, restrictions and limits will not work with him. he's a full out full time drunk with a big problem...there is no control, no moderation. you have seen that first hand now, believe it.
what did he say? that he had cut back for you more than anyone else? wooo, how impressive. not. he, who has never had a relationship of more than 2 years. guess we know why that is.
when exactly did you SEE the sober him? was it for long stretches of sobriety? months? years? or are we talking days in between binges? cuz that ain't sober....that's drying out and powering up for the next run. it's what addicts do.
please think of how all this affects and has affected your child. you are right, YOUR house, YOUR rules. keep it that way. keep your young impressionable son safe. adults wetting the bed and in black out drunk rages against his parent are not conducive to good sound mental and emotional health of a child. i'm glad you have your own place. and i'm glad you got out so quickly.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Themeanone 
Here is my problem... Is it possible to keep a relationship with him, should I keep a relationship with him? We have texted, he says he loves me and wants to work it out, he has not promised to quit, in fact he says he is scared he can't. He has said that when arguing he wants to when so he doesn't fight fair. I told him he that he should have took that will to win and applied it to us. He says he is scared because he is afraid he can't quit drinking . I have told him that I will not live in his house. Period. My thought is According to his "rules" if it's my house I can make the rules. No drinking in my house. No drinking before you come to see me. If you aren't ready to quit, fine, but i will not be around it. Will this work? Or is it more codie crap on my part? I don't know what to do. I love sober him. I miss sober him. He says rehab doesn't work for him. That he has tapered back for me more than any other person.
He doesn't want to quit yet, and maybe you don't want to quit yet, either, but all evidence shows the same truth for both of you: Moderation doesn't work.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
yep, it's more codie crap. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His house, his rules??????????? Weren't you there living with him. It was also your home, I don't care who pays the bills. He didn't respect your boundaries then, he won't respect your boundaries now. He pissed all over them.
So glad your got your own place. Now, what about you? How are you going to decorate your place?
So glad your got your own place. Now, what about you? How are you going to decorate your place?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 27
When you guys say it like that the solution is obvious. Save my self and my son. I keep reading this thread to remind myself. Still recovering from surgery, so not back to work yet and I have plenty of time to "busy brain" myself into thinking that maybe it can work, I'll just lay dowm my rules at my place, and missing the parts of him that were good.
The fact is there were no long stretches of sobriety. Thank you for pointing that out. Just
recovering from the last bender and gearing up for the next one, he literally pissed all over
my boundries, and no. Moderation does not work.
I KNOw this. My head knows it. My heart does not.
I have become an indecisive, anxious person. I second guess myself constantly. This isn't me.
How do I make myself stop caring. Stop loving. Grrrrrr
The fact is there were no long stretches of sobriety. Thank you for pointing that out. Just
recovering from the last bender and gearing up for the next one, he literally pissed all over
my boundries, and no. Moderation does not work.
I KNOw this. My head knows it. My heart does not.
I have become an indecisive, anxious person. I second guess myself constantly. This isn't me.
How do I make myself stop caring. Stop loving. Grrrrrr
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Themeanone
How do I make myself stop caring. Stop loving.
"We don't always get to keep the ones we love. You can still love them (as I do mine)--but it doesn't mean that you get to keep them."
I hope those words help you as they helped me.
Want to welcome you to the other side of alcoholism. Glad that you found us, but sorry that you had to. Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I miss sober AXBF, too, but now I realize that I needed to start missing serene, happy me most and get her back.
Please, for your sake and that of your son, don't subject yourself to this lunacy. If he REALLY wants to change things, he will do it and show you he can do it. Until then, it's all just talk and false hopes for you.
Please, for your sake and that of your son, don't subject yourself to this lunacy. If he REALLY wants to change things, he will do it and show you he can do it. Until then, it's all just talk and false hopes for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't think any of us DO make ourselves stop caring, stop loving. I don't believe it's possible, I don't believe it's an act of will -- I wish it were! It takes time. All we can do is be open to change.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 27
Thank you all. I just wanted to let you know that I did go talk to him. And what I got was that he wanted to work it out, but he doesn't want to quit drinking and a list of things for ME to work on. HA!!
I walked away realizing that I am better than that. My happiness and my sons happiness are worth more than that. More than him.
I am looking forward to my new place. My serenity. My sanctuary.
I am planning on attending alnon meeting to help me resolve the damage from this last year.
But I woke up this morning free!! Free in body amd spirit. And it feels so good!!
I walked away realizing that I am better than that. My happiness and my sons happiness are worth more than that. More than him.
I am looking forward to my new place. My serenity. My sanctuary.
I am planning on attending alnon meeting to help me resolve the damage from this last year.
But I woke up this morning free!! Free in body amd spirit. And it feels so good!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Themeanone, you are SO RIGHT! You ARE so much better than that! I can't believe he would have a list of things for YOU to work on while he continues to drink...W T F!
With your clarity and courage, you just can't fail. Keep on going.
Get to Alanon and keep on marching forward. You sound like a woman on a mission, and you can do all you set your mind to!
With your clarity and courage, you just can't fail. Keep on going.
Get to Alanon and keep on marching forward. You sound like a woman on a mission, and you can do all you set your mind to!
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