Lost in Early Recovery
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Lost in Early Recovery
I have been reading the stories in this forum for the past few weeks. It has been a huge help, and I have held off on writing because some parts of my story seem similar and others leave me unsure.
My boyfriend since April 5--if he still is my boyfriend--is now in early recovery from alcoholism. In early August, he essentially disappeared for a few days--which was not at all like him. From the first, he always has been very sensitive and attentive. When he finally agreed to see me and I went to his apartment, he told me that he had been drunk the past three days--and still was--and that he had finally accepted he is an alcoholic because when he tried to stop drinking, he couldn't.
He told me that he wanted to stop, that he had talked to his aunt the previous night who is a substance abuse counselor and very active in AA, and that she had given him advice on treatment. He had done research on what might work for him and planned to figure it out and take a holistic approach. I helped him get rid of all of the alcohol in his apartment, and he went back with me to my house and stayed with me there all weekend. His aunt told him what to look for in case he might need to go to the hospital, but he ended up being okay and not needing intervention from quitting cold turkey.
I will admit that his use of alcohol had seemed strange to me at times, but it was only when he disappeared that I had wondered if he might have a problem. I actually was relieved when I arrived and he admitted what had been going on. I was afraid that I was going to have to confront him and issue an ultimatum, and so in my relief and love, I assured him that he would be able to beat this and that it was not a deal breaker for me.
At this point, I should probably say why it did not scare me at first: I am friends with many former alcoholics who are successful in their lives and recoveries. Although I am not a musician for my day job, I do play music, and that is how I met many of these people. They are wise and openhearted and some of my best friends. My ex-boyfriend--who is still a good friend, is ex-Air Force, and owns three bars in the area--would sometimes drink heavily because it seems to go with owing bars and creating cocktails. But, he is not an alcoholic. When my grandfather became a widower, he drank all day every day. For all intents and purposes, he was probably a functional alcoholic at the end of his life, but he is also one of the people I love most and was never anything but wonderful to me.
For my part, I am not an addictive personality, but I did come out of a pretty rough marriage with an emotionally and financially abusive man. He had been my college sweetheart. We married when I was 22 and he was 23; the divorce was final when I was 37--although it was just last week that he finally paid me the retirement account money he owed me. I am now 42.
I wish with every last breath in my body that I had never met him or tried to make a life with him. It has taken me years to regain the self-esteem he slowly wore away from me. I was ghost when I finally got the strength to move out and away from him. He nearly bankrupted me by spending every dime we had on ebay and comic books, he cheated on me with an underling at work, and I bought him out of our house at the top of the market, courtesy of a huge promotion, that I subsequently lost along with the two next jobs because of the financial downturn. Suffice it to say, my relationship with him nearly ruined me, and I have clawed my way out of it all through sheer force of will, a family that has had my back in every way, and finally some good luck.
I thought that luck was continuing when I met the boyfriend who is now in early recovery. He came into my life about three weeks after the bar owner had ended things with me, and I wasn't looking to date anyone at the time. But, he was so sweet, so attentive, so emotionally available in every way. We had everything in common, even things I had long ago given up on finding in a future partner. We saw each other every day for the first month, and we both felt as if we had finally found "the one." He had recently ended an 11-year relationship with a woman who sounded a lot like my ex-husband, and we were both just so happy and relieved to be in a good and happy place. We discussed the future. I met his family; he met mine. We were both a little puzzled at times about how fast things were moving, but it also just felt "right" to be together. Neither of us had ever had such a connection. I had pretty much given up on ever finding it or of ever having children, but being with him made everything feel possible.
So, after a great trip with him back home to a best friend's wedding, we talked about having children. He is very close to his two nieces, who we saw a lot. We had had a pregnancy scare early in the relationship, and although relieved it hadn't happened then, we were also disappointed that it hadn't happened. We both eat healthy and lead healthy lifestyles, but I thought it would be good to also get even healthier before trying because I was not 22 anymore. I had given up caffeine during the pregnancy scare, and I said we should stop drinking for at least three months before we try for a pregnancy.
I wasn't intending for us to act on it immediately, but I wanted to lay the groundwork for no more drinking. His response: Let's quit tonight, and let's start trying in early October. I was surprised, but also thought: Okay. At my age, it seemed like there was no reason to wait, given that we knew we were meant to be and that I likely wasn't going to be able to have a baby forever. This was July 30.
On Aug. 6, he didn't call back when he said he would and when I called him, he was drunk. I was shocked, and I told him we would talk about it the next day. I didn't think it made sense to talk then on the phone when he was drunk, because once or twice before such conversations had ended up in huge conflicts in which he had essentially threatened to break up with me after telling me that he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship so quickly after the previous one ended, that his friends were worried about him. Another one had to do with him accusing me of not wanting to be with him although I had never done anything but show that I had.
After the last argument, we agreed to only discuss important issues in person, and that approach has been working.
Then he disappeared. Then on Aug. 9 I went to see him, and he told me what had happened and that he was an alcoholic. He had actually started drinking again on Aug. 3 and 4, and I had been with him both times and did not know it.
August was a roller coaster. It has essentially started out with us talking about starting a family and now it was all about his alcoholism. He didn't want to do AA. He visited an outpatient treatment facility but didn't like the approach. He told me that he promised himself he would not drink and he would not break a promise to himself. When he makes his mind up, he follows it. And, he does. He went through college on an athletic scholarship for lacrosse, plays hockey three times a week now, and does well as an engineering sales rep. He called around to counselors and started seeing one.
Then, he went from talking to me every day as he always had to not talking to me much at all. We had an argument on Aug. 16 when I thought he was breaking up with me because everybody kept telling him he shouldn't be in relationship if he wanted to focus on his recovery. He finally just said he needed space. I gave him space and didn't talk to him much and I missed him terribly for about a week and a half. After I pulled back, he started calling me every day again and wanting to do stuff. Then when I thought that was how things were, he took a trip back home to visit a dying relative. He said he'd let me know if I should join him--my work schedule was such that I couldn't go with him initially. He never called. He finally texted that there was too much going on for me to join him. He texted me a bit the next day about what was happening on Aug. 31. I didn't hear from him again until I called him on Sept. 3.
When we talked that night, after I called him, he started in again about feeling overwhelmed by everything, about the fact that none of this was about me and I had done nothing wrong, about how he wasn't supposed to see anyone in early recovery, about how it was good to deal with this now before we had committed to anything (which shocked me because it seems to me that picking a time to have a child with someone is a bit of a commitment), about how everything he said before about being together was like what people who are schizophrenic or not well say--that they mean it but they don't mean it.
He started getting angry with me for asking questions about stuff he said before he had wanted to do, and then I just lost it. I told him how confused I was, how I felt like I was walking on egg shells, that I never knew what would set him off, that I didn't know how to help, that I couldn't believe he was breaking up with me by phone, that I felt like our relationship had become completely one-sided and nothing I seemed to do was right.
I told him I was coming over because we can't talk about this kind of stuff on the phone, that we needed to see each other. He said not to come over, that we would just fight. I hung up again. I tried to call back, and when he didn't respond to my texts or pick up the phone I went to his apartment. I guess he had sent a text saying "please don't come here." I didn't get it until well after I went over there, and he was so angry. He threatened to call the cops, I was crying, he asked me "why didn't you just obey me?" (which was also an extremely weird thing to say and I told him I don't obey anybody), I gave him back my keys, he wouldn't talk to me, but said he'd call the next day. I sent him some texts that night, and maybe slept an hour.
He texted me the next day after I called him. He said: "I need some time...I wish things were different. I'll be in touch when things settle a bit." I texted back that I understood, that I thought the reason things got so heated is that we both needed some time, and that I had faith we would both grow stronger and wiser by doing so. His response: "Thanks. I do love you and I hope we will be able to heal and move forward. I appreciate your support." I told him I agreed and that it wasn't an overnight fix. He said he understood. I have heard nothing since then.
I know I probably shouldn't have pushed things, but I was exhausted and scared and confused and wanted to know what to do. We had never gone that long without talking before, and nothing seemed like it had been. I felt like he was hot and cold, and I had no idea who I would get when we talked--the guy who wanted a future with me or the one who snapped at me for asking what seemed to be reasonable questions to ask someone who had wanted to have a child with you just three weeks before. And, now, I'm not even sure if we are broken up, taking a break, or over for good.
On one level, I think it was good things blew up because I think otherwise he would have continued to try to be a boyfriend when he clearly couldn't do so. My presence in his life, when he wasn't doing the initiating, seemed to stress him out and make him feel guilty. So, I hope this break gives him the peace and space he needs. On another level, I am so angry and so sad because he presented himself to me as someone who had his act totally together and who knew what he wanted. I don't deal anymore with men who don't. And I feel like I have been so duped. So foolish. I wonder if he ever meant anything he said to me. And I have no clue what to do now. But, it feels like a cherished dream has just died.
My boyfriend since April 5--if he still is my boyfriend--is now in early recovery from alcoholism. In early August, he essentially disappeared for a few days--which was not at all like him. From the first, he always has been very sensitive and attentive. When he finally agreed to see me and I went to his apartment, he told me that he had been drunk the past three days--and still was--and that he had finally accepted he is an alcoholic because when he tried to stop drinking, he couldn't.
He told me that he wanted to stop, that he had talked to his aunt the previous night who is a substance abuse counselor and very active in AA, and that she had given him advice on treatment. He had done research on what might work for him and planned to figure it out and take a holistic approach. I helped him get rid of all of the alcohol in his apartment, and he went back with me to my house and stayed with me there all weekend. His aunt told him what to look for in case he might need to go to the hospital, but he ended up being okay and not needing intervention from quitting cold turkey.
I will admit that his use of alcohol had seemed strange to me at times, but it was only when he disappeared that I had wondered if he might have a problem. I actually was relieved when I arrived and he admitted what had been going on. I was afraid that I was going to have to confront him and issue an ultimatum, and so in my relief and love, I assured him that he would be able to beat this and that it was not a deal breaker for me.
At this point, I should probably say why it did not scare me at first: I am friends with many former alcoholics who are successful in their lives and recoveries. Although I am not a musician for my day job, I do play music, and that is how I met many of these people. They are wise and openhearted and some of my best friends. My ex-boyfriend--who is still a good friend, is ex-Air Force, and owns three bars in the area--would sometimes drink heavily because it seems to go with owing bars and creating cocktails. But, he is not an alcoholic. When my grandfather became a widower, he drank all day every day. For all intents and purposes, he was probably a functional alcoholic at the end of his life, but he is also one of the people I love most and was never anything but wonderful to me.
For my part, I am not an addictive personality, but I did come out of a pretty rough marriage with an emotionally and financially abusive man. He had been my college sweetheart. We married when I was 22 and he was 23; the divorce was final when I was 37--although it was just last week that he finally paid me the retirement account money he owed me. I am now 42.
I wish with every last breath in my body that I had never met him or tried to make a life with him. It has taken me years to regain the self-esteem he slowly wore away from me. I was ghost when I finally got the strength to move out and away from him. He nearly bankrupted me by spending every dime we had on ebay and comic books, he cheated on me with an underling at work, and I bought him out of our house at the top of the market, courtesy of a huge promotion, that I subsequently lost along with the two next jobs because of the financial downturn. Suffice it to say, my relationship with him nearly ruined me, and I have clawed my way out of it all through sheer force of will, a family that has had my back in every way, and finally some good luck.
I thought that luck was continuing when I met the boyfriend who is now in early recovery. He came into my life about three weeks after the bar owner had ended things with me, and I wasn't looking to date anyone at the time. But, he was so sweet, so attentive, so emotionally available in every way. We had everything in common, even things I had long ago given up on finding in a future partner. We saw each other every day for the first month, and we both felt as if we had finally found "the one." He had recently ended an 11-year relationship with a woman who sounded a lot like my ex-husband, and we were both just so happy and relieved to be in a good and happy place. We discussed the future. I met his family; he met mine. We were both a little puzzled at times about how fast things were moving, but it also just felt "right" to be together. Neither of us had ever had such a connection. I had pretty much given up on ever finding it or of ever having children, but being with him made everything feel possible.
So, after a great trip with him back home to a best friend's wedding, we talked about having children. He is very close to his two nieces, who we saw a lot. We had had a pregnancy scare early in the relationship, and although relieved it hadn't happened then, we were also disappointed that it hadn't happened. We both eat healthy and lead healthy lifestyles, but I thought it would be good to also get even healthier before trying because I was not 22 anymore. I had given up caffeine during the pregnancy scare, and I said we should stop drinking for at least three months before we try for a pregnancy.
I wasn't intending for us to act on it immediately, but I wanted to lay the groundwork for no more drinking. His response: Let's quit tonight, and let's start trying in early October. I was surprised, but also thought: Okay. At my age, it seemed like there was no reason to wait, given that we knew we were meant to be and that I likely wasn't going to be able to have a baby forever. This was July 30.
On Aug. 6, he didn't call back when he said he would and when I called him, he was drunk. I was shocked, and I told him we would talk about it the next day. I didn't think it made sense to talk then on the phone when he was drunk, because once or twice before such conversations had ended up in huge conflicts in which he had essentially threatened to break up with me after telling me that he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship so quickly after the previous one ended, that his friends were worried about him. Another one had to do with him accusing me of not wanting to be with him although I had never done anything but show that I had.
After the last argument, we agreed to only discuss important issues in person, and that approach has been working.
Then he disappeared. Then on Aug. 9 I went to see him, and he told me what had happened and that he was an alcoholic. He had actually started drinking again on Aug. 3 and 4, and I had been with him both times and did not know it.
August was a roller coaster. It has essentially started out with us talking about starting a family and now it was all about his alcoholism. He didn't want to do AA. He visited an outpatient treatment facility but didn't like the approach. He told me that he promised himself he would not drink and he would not break a promise to himself. When he makes his mind up, he follows it. And, he does. He went through college on an athletic scholarship for lacrosse, plays hockey three times a week now, and does well as an engineering sales rep. He called around to counselors and started seeing one.
Then, he went from talking to me every day as he always had to not talking to me much at all. We had an argument on Aug. 16 when I thought he was breaking up with me because everybody kept telling him he shouldn't be in relationship if he wanted to focus on his recovery. He finally just said he needed space. I gave him space and didn't talk to him much and I missed him terribly for about a week and a half. After I pulled back, he started calling me every day again and wanting to do stuff. Then when I thought that was how things were, he took a trip back home to visit a dying relative. He said he'd let me know if I should join him--my work schedule was such that I couldn't go with him initially. He never called. He finally texted that there was too much going on for me to join him. He texted me a bit the next day about what was happening on Aug. 31. I didn't hear from him again until I called him on Sept. 3.
When we talked that night, after I called him, he started in again about feeling overwhelmed by everything, about the fact that none of this was about me and I had done nothing wrong, about how he wasn't supposed to see anyone in early recovery, about how it was good to deal with this now before we had committed to anything (which shocked me because it seems to me that picking a time to have a child with someone is a bit of a commitment), about how everything he said before about being together was like what people who are schizophrenic or not well say--that they mean it but they don't mean it.
He started getting angry with me for asking questions about stuff he said before he had wanted to do, and then I just lost it. I told him how confused I was, how I felt like I was walking on egg shells, that I never knew what would set him off, that I didn't know how to help, that I couldn't believe he was breaking up with me by phone, that I felt like our relationship had become completely one-sided and nothing I seemed to do was right.
I told him I was coming over because we can't talk about this kind of stuff on the phone, that we needed to see each other. He said not to come over, that we would just fight. I hung up again. I tried to call back, and when he didn't respond to my texts or pick up the phone I went to his apartment. I guess he had sent a text saying "please don't come here." I didn't get it until well after I went over there, and he was so angry. He threatened to call the cops, I was crying, he asked me "why didn't you just obey me?" (which was also an extremely weird thing to say and I told him I don't obey anybody), I gave him back my keys, he wouldn't talk to me, but said he'd call the next day. I sent him some texts that night, and maybe slept an hour.
He texted me the next day after I called him. He said: "I need some time...I wish things were different. I'll be in touch when things settle a bit." I texted back that I understood, that I thought the reason things got so heated is that we both needed some time, and that I had faith we would both grow stronger and wiser by doing so. His response: "Thanks. I do love you and I hope we will be able to heal and move forward. I appreciate your support." I told him I agreed and that it wasn't an overnight fix. He said he understood. I have heard nothing since then.
I know I probably shouldn't have pushed things, but I was exhausted and scared and confused and wanted to know what to do. We had never gone that long without talking before, and nothing seemed like it had been. I felt like he was hot and cold, and I had no idea who I would get when we talked--the guy who wanted a future with me or the one who snapped at me for asking what seemed to be reasonable questions to ask someone who had wanted to have a child with you just three weeks before. And, now, I'm not even sure if we are broken up, taking a break, or over for good.
On one level, I think it was good things blew up because I think otherwise he would have continued to try to be a boyfriend when he clearly couldn't do so. My presence in his life, when he wasn't doing the initiating, seemed to stress him out and make him feel guilty. So, I hope this break gives him the peace and space he needs. On another level, I am so angry and so sad because he presented himself to me as someone who had his act totally together and who knew what he wanted. I don't deal anymore with men who don't. And I feel like I have been so duped. So foolish. I wonder if he ever meant anything he said to me. And I have no clue what to do now. But, it feels like a cherished dream has just died.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by cautionwind 
I am so angry and so sad because he presented himself to me as someone who had his act totally together and who knew what he wanted. I don't deal anymore with men who don't. And I feel like I have been so duped. So foolish. I wonder if he ever meant anything he said to me. And I have no clue what to do now. But, it feels like a cherished dream has just died.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
Your story sounds and feels so familiar. Just be thankful that you were shown the light before you had children with him or married him. It will let you make a clean, quick getaway. I too have spent a lot of time wondering if my stbxah truly meant anything he said to me. Then I realized it was a waste of time and he wasnt able to love anyone, including himself. I understand the confusion and anger and pain you are feeling. Many here have told me the pain lessens with time and work and eventually stops. Im still waitingfor that day. The one thing I have learned, dont let your heart make decisions. Listen to your head and be strong.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 4
Thanks for the replies. Of course, part of me still hopes that he will come back and that he is who he and I wanted to believe he was.
Has anyone had experience of that being the case--that someone does do the work to become and stay sober and succeed? Or is this the sort of situation I should chalk up to experience and run, run, run away from?
My friends who have succeeded in AA seem to think I should give this time. I'll admit I have no idea what makes the most sense. If he really is what I thought he was, he is worth waiting for. If it was all a lie, well, of course I need to move on.
The question is how to know.
Has anyone had experience of that being the case--that someone does do the work to become and stay sober and succeed? Or is this the sort of situation I should chalk up to experience and run, run, run away from?
My friends who have succeeded in AA seem to think I should give this time. I'll admit I have no idea what makes the most sense. If he really is what I thought he was, he is worth waiting for. If it was all a lie, well, of course I need to move on.
The question is how to know.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
caution---he is an active alcoholic. He is lying to himself because the disease requires him to lie. If he can't be truthful to himself--there is no way he can be truthful to you. He sounds very unstable---and to hitch your star to someone who is so unstable would only lead you to many more years of heartbreak.
The best thing for you would be to educate yourself about the disease--read the articles called "stickies" at the top of this page.
Alanon would be a gift for you---because you are in danger of getting involved with the same kind of man again. Alanon will help yourself with your co-dependent tendencies and offer you tremendous support.
Also, "co-dependent No More" would be a good book for you to read, just now. You can get it on Amazon.com as a used book or borrow it from the library.
dandylion
The best thing for you would be to educate yourself about the disease--read the articles called "stickies" at the top of this page.
Alanon would be a gift for you---because you are in danger of getting involved with the same kind of man again. Alanon will help yourself with your co-dependent tendencies and offer you tremendous support.
Also, "co-dependent No More" would be a good book for you to read, just now. You can get it on Amazon.com as a used book or borrow it from the library.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 4
Thanks, Dandylion. Is he considered an active alcoholic if he has stopped drinking and is seeking treatment? He has not had a drink since Aug. 9, and he is seeing a counselor to work on this. He is also seeing an acupuncturist and trying to determine what else he should do.
But, over the past month it became clear to us both that he was unable to do what he needed to do while trying to be in a romantic relationship. And, I didn't like who I was becoming. I fell into an old pattern of trying to take care of him, even though I knew he had to do this alone. This alarmed me because I thought I had completely left this pattern behind through therapy after I left my ex-husband. I am going back to therapy next week.
So, although I regret pushing things last week when he was being clear about being tired and not having the energy to talk--and being worn out over the dying family member--I do think I had to or we would still be muddling along and feeling worse and worse together.
I am feeling better not being a part of the drama. And, I am slowly accepting that I may have dodged a bullet. But, it still makes me very sad that this happened. Sad for us both. At heart, I think he is a good man. But, he is not a good man for me as things currently stand.
What you all write here has been so helpful. I just want to stop thinking about it and him all of the time and find a way to move on.
But, over the past month it became clear to us both that he was unable to do what he needed to do while trying to be in a romantic relationship. And, I didn't like who I was becoming. I fell into an old pattern of trying to take care of him, even though I knew he had to do this alone. This alarmed me because I thought I had completely left this pattern behind through therapy after I left my ex-husband. I am going back to therapy next week.
So, although I regret pushing things last week when he was being clear about being tired and not having the energy to talk--and being worn out over the dying family member--I do think I had to or we would still be muddling along and feeling worse and worse together.
I am feeling better not being a part of the drama. And, I am slowly accepting that I may have dodged a bullet. But, it still makes me very sad that this happened. Sad for us both. At heart, I think he is a good man. But, he is not a good man for me as things currently stand.
What you all write here has been so helpful. I just want to stop thinking about it and him all of the time and find a way to move on.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
caution---I would consider him a "dry drunk"---even if he has been technically sober for a month---the alcoholic thinking, attitudes and behaviors still remain. This is what a program of recovery--such as AA is designed to deal with. In AA it is often said that "Recovery is an inside job".
I am sooo very glad that you have the clarity to see your therapist next week!! Maybe you could ask her about alanon?
Please stay busy and keep a very structured day with some physical exercise every day.
Make a list of some of the worst moments in the relationship--and read them every time you find yourself getting "weak". That helps enormously!!
You are going to go through a certain amount of mourning--it is only natural. But remember that it is short-term pain for long term gain. Mourning is actually the first stage of healing.
You will get through this!!!
dandylion
I am sooo very glad that you have the clarity to see your therapist next week!! Maybe you could ask her about alanon?
Please stay busy and keep a very structured day with some physical exercise every day.
Make a list of some of the worst moments in the relationship--and read them every time you find yourself getting "weak". That helps enormously!!
You are going to go through a certain amount of mourning--it is only natural. But remember that it is short-term pain for long term gain. Mourning is actually the first stage of healing.
You will get through this!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 14
I, too, hang on to the vision of what my ExRABF "sold" me when we first met. Our first 3 months were like a fairy tale and he seemed so put together. He was attentive, mature, kind, communicative, etc. We also moved very fast and I fell in love very fast. So when i learned that he stole one of my credit cards and was an alcoholic about a year into our relationship, I stayed. When a therapist asked me why I stayed, I said it was because I know that man who I met during our first few months was in there somewhere... Now, 3 years after we first started dating and 3 weeks after he ran out on me, I don't think that man who I met in the beginning even exists or ever actually existed. It was all a lie. Its a hard pill to swallow because i wasted 2 years of my life waiting for the man I fell in love with the re-emerge, but the realization that he wasn't ever really there helps me let go.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Caution, my AH was sober when we met (feel free to look up my story through old posts) and then he stopped working his program. He became a dry drunk and then he relapsed. He's a wonderful man in many ways, but this is a vicious roller coaster.
I agree that Alanon would be beneficial. Above all else, run your life according to your own needs and wants. To do anything else will make you crazy. Read up, work with your therapist, stay on 'your side of the street.'
Take care of you!
I agree that Alanon would be beneficial. Above all else, run your life according to your own needs and wants. To do anything else will make you crazy. Read up, work with your therapist, stay on 'your side of the street.'
Take care of you!
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