keepurchinup

I know it's coming...my AH is trying for the umpteenth time to get sober on his own since I told him I couldn't do this anymore & I moved all my things out of the bedroom & into our guest room for now. Of course all this was done after a drunken episode, yelling, crying, I'm sure you get the picture. He also took up smoking pot again to relax himself even after he knew I despised this.

As always he turns to his bitter soda's, dives into work & we avoid one another but remain polite through texts if we need to communicate. We have no children between us. All 3 of mine are respectable, young adults, & for lack of a better word "normal" no drinking or drugs going on.

He on the other hand has 2 girls, 1 is in another state been partying since she was 14 (21 now) & living with her alcoholic mother while drinking & experimenting with drugs but is "careful"...she can "control it"

The other 19 year old lives with us, AH has never set boundaries & (she was supposed to be the one on the right track since it was her idea to leave AM to live with AD) Well now she's "partying" drinking, drugs,
manipulating/nabling him.

Whenever AH & I fight, she comes out of her "little apartment" upstairs (bonus room with bath) & suddenly is there for him. It's quite disgusting to see since she typically only comes home every now & then to sleep, eat & do laundry, pays no mind to us. She reassures him it's me trying to live in a fantasy world, not him. WTH???

So it's been over a week since we've had very little contact & I know at some point he will ask "When are things going to change with us, I haven't had a drink in X amount od days/weeks"? "I'm working on it"

I've been here a few times before & know in my gut he'll start up again. Longest was about 60 days with me & 90 with his AEXW.

He will not go to AA. Believes he can do this on his own...again...and this time is different

How do I respond without him screaming "I'M TRYING"!!! And me yelling "YOU TRIED MANY OTHER TIMES & WE ALWAYS END UP BACK HERE!!!

I'm certain this dysfunctional, emotionally detached, verbally abusive relationship is over & in my eyes for quite awhile.

I want to try & stay in our house for a few more months till I can move in with my daughter (they are house hunting right now & currently living in a rental) Push comes to shove I'll move out put stuff in storage & stay in their guest room.

I do not like him or his girls behavior. The future with the 3 of them in my life looks grim. I reminded him I do not want this for MY family.

Funny, at one time his girls encourage him to "not F**K this relationship up"
It's when I began setting boundaries that all that changed over the last few years.

Ok I'm done ranting, now how would you respond? Thank you

dandylion

My response would be to completely detach and ignore him. If he demands to know when things are going to change back--I would say--"I don't know---Check back with me in a year or two". Then leave the room or area or get busy doing Something.

What boundaries do you have or "agreements" that you may have entered into with him?

dandylion

Please know that you are entitled to change your boundaries at any time you need to.
It is also o.k. to leave a marriage because you desire to--you don't have to have an "official" reason that meets with his--or anybody else's approval!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

keepurchinup

Before we married he promised to seek help if his drinking ever got out of control & he stopped smoking pot because he knew I didn't care for that. I saw him drunk a few times & contributed to his new found freedom from his AEXW. He didn't start drinking a lot until after we married & I began to notice it getting out of hand. I wouldn't have pegged him as an alcoholic before we married but after 1 year into our marriage he went full force. Almost like he'd been hiding it all along & now that the papers were sign, sealed & delivered he could "Let Loose". Make sense? Either that or didn't want to believe this wonderful man could be an alcoholic. He did admit that sometimes he goes over board but can reel it in if it get out of control.

THAT should have been my red flag!

dandylion

keepyurchinup---I say in kindness.....Don't you think it odd that a non-alcoholic would specifically promise to get help if their drinking ever got out of control. "Normies" simply don't think like that.

However, that is now history and there is no point in beating a dead horse. The sticky wicket is---never extract promises from an alcoholic while actively drinking. They are not capable of keeping them due to the nature of the disease. However, you probably didn't know that then, either. (LOL).

Point is, you have to deal with the reality of what is now. You can make whatever boundary you need or want to!!!!!!!!

dandylion

BlueSkies1

Let's say he doesn't drink for awhile.
Ok, mark that off as accomplished.
So how does he act? What does he say? How does he treat you during this period of sobriety?
If he brings up how he's sober, don't take that bait!
Something like--since you've conquered alcohol that is no longer part of the discussion.
Bet that makes him pause! How can he argue that without setting himself up?

See, now the discussion gets back to what is going on besides the alcohol influence.

OnlyOneProblem

Something that has helped me so much when I have upsetting feelings is to make the decision to choose the better feeling. I learned this a couple years ago while away on a month long vacation in the mountains. I brought my 16 year old cat with me. She had not been feeling well a couple days prior to leaving. We were settling in to our cabin and I was sweeping the deck. Came in and stopped to pet her and back with my cleaning. Soon after I discovered she was missing. I was sick. Looked everywhere, posted lost cat ad on Craig's list and went out everyday and called for her. My heart was broken. I had a choice to make. I could sit for the rest of the month and be devastated or I could make the decision to be ok. It was the first time in my life that I realized that I had a choice in how I wanted to feel.

When you choose the feeling that "feels better" you are coming from a place of love. When you choose the "not good feeling". Your ego is in charge. It isn't easy. My imagination runs away sometimes and I have to chase it down and say "nope, not going down that road"!