readerbaby71

I picked my BF up from a job he was doing breaking down a bunch of metal to scrap for my dad. It's gonna be quite lucrative for us, since we'll be able to keep whatever money we get from it.

Long story short, when I picked him up he was sweaty and tired. My day was pretty busy and I was worn out too. He was talking about how he was going to return in the morning and finish the job. He usually goes to an AA meeting Wednesday mornings. My reaction was instant. Sick feeling in my stomach. Anxiety and anger.

I said, "what about your meeting?" He was like, "oh, I totally forgot about it! I also have that one on Sunday that I go to. I really want to get this done." I said, "if you drink or come home drunk again we're done." He said, "I know."

I hate being reactionary and making a mountain out of a molehill. We sat in silence on the way home. When I parked I turned to him and said, "I don't mean to overreact but I still feel scared and angry and anxious. That's just how I feel and I can't help it. This is your deal and I'm not telling you what to do. I'm not saying you HAVE to go to the meeting, I just need you to know that this is what I'm used to now so I might react this way." I had to ask him to look me in the eye. He has a huge problem with that in general.

He said it was not his intention to avoid the meeting and he was just trying to figure out his scheduling for the week because he's got a lot going on (which is true, he's almost manic trying to keep himself busy). He also said he's struggling with accepting the good things that are happening in his life and not fearing that they will end up being taken away from him. I told him it's something worth mentioning to his therapist.

Last night we kind of each did our own thing and I fell asleep early. I hate, hate being reactionary and controlling, because I feel like that's how I was acting yesterday. How can I stop this before it starts? Was it appropriate for me to say something about him going to the meeting? His recovery is his deal and I know pushing doesn't help a thing.

It's confusing and so emotionally trying sometimes. Sorry to go on. Thanks in advance for any suggestions on how I can change my thoughts and behaviors.

SparkleKitty

RB71, recognizing your own discomfort with your response is a positive first step. The whole recovery business is 'progress, not perfection' so don't beat yourself up over this. When we know better, we do better. It's all going to take time and practice.

fourmaggie

this is none of your business...its his recovery...just that-- HIS

now you...lets make this about you now...
have you tried a 12 step program for yourself, like al anon?

readerbaby71

Yes, I go to al-anon twice a week. I just started so I'm new to it. Do you have any suggestions on how I can change my way of thinking and reacting?

LexieCat

There's a saying in AA I like very much. It's easier to act your way into right thinking than to think your way into right acting.

Work on just changing what you do, even if it doesn't feel natural. Your attitude will change in due course. You don't have to wait until you "feel it" to do it.

fourmaggie

this all takes time...and by going to your 12 step program, you will learn how to stop the "stinking thinking" and reacting

i too am an reactor...i use to re ACT alot! i opened my mouth before i thought it through..ooh boy, my kids use to jump! (that scared me)
now i follow the slogan THINK! (and listen)....

Wavy

I think it was fine to say what you said. Yes his recovery is his gig, but that doesn't mean that his recovery doesn't affect you. You stated how you were feeling, without placing blame in him, without telling him what he should do, just honestly sharing your emotions. That's OK, it natural to be scared and anxious right now and as your partner you should be able to share those things with your BF. He knows that another drink means then end for you two, so probably no need to tell him that every time you feel worried, but there is nothing wrong with sharing your emotions.

You said you want to change your behaviour - if you look back at that situation, how would you have liked to have reacted? Can you think of what you would want to do next time? That was the hardest thing for me - I knew I wanted to act differently, but I didn't know what that should look like to be healthy. Once I had something to aim for, it became much easier to start to change my behaviour towards that goal.