Sadconfused

After a bad night, I am completely disgusted and annoyed and very upset with myself. Typically after one of these nights I am feeling all of those things towards him. I was angry this morning when he didnt remember anything and I made sure he knew that. Part of me wonders if him not remembering is just a load of crap like everything else but none of his behavior shocks me anymore. I dont expect better from him, his words mean nothing anymore. Now I am angry with myself because I said next time will be the last time, I will call the cops and be done but of course I didnt. My daughter was still awake. Im angry that I still wont do what a normal person would do in this situation. I cant even get the courage to call the dv hotline. I dont understand why I cant do it, why I can never find the courage, why I still feel bad for HIM!!!!!! Why cant I just stop and do what I have to do no matter how hard it feels at the time? Why does it feel like I am causing more problems for saying anything about it? Why should I even worry about someone who treats me like this? I just make excuses for him to myself and its all bs. I dont even want to be with him anymore, I have no desire what so ever to have any type of romantic relationship with him but I stay and tolerate this crap because I feel bad for him. I am a giant idiot, I feel like a brainwashed basket case.

BeatleChick

You're not an idiot.

You're in the cycle. Same cycle I'm in and plenty of other people here. We're not idiots. We're caught up in the illness same as our alcoholic spouses.

I don't really have advice...I just know that for me, there was a moment in my life (pretty much where you are now) where I just snapped and was DONE. I don't know where i got the strength to tell him I wanted a divorce and he had to move out. I don't know where i got the ability to just be DONE.

That was 9 months ago. It's been one crappy roller coaster ride since, but the divorce is almost final and he's been out of the house for 5 months.

It's hard, but worth it. However, it's the moment of truth for yourself. The moment where you put YOUR NEEDS above all others....and you will find yourself done.

You're not an idiot.

FourTwentyOne

Yup. I'm there.
Pretty much just fed up and not interested anymore.
I think I am still here out of habit and fear.

Then, I think I am here because I still have hope that he'll see what is happening, and realise what he is about to lose, and fix it all.

Then I hope he will do something that makes it impossible for me to believe anything will change, for him to cross the line and take the decision out of my hands.

SparkleKitty

I cannot say why you make those choices, honey, I wish I had the answer for you.

I can only say that when I was in a similar position (not nearly as desperate as yours mind you), I made choices that I intellectually KNEW were bad for me because I did not believe that I deserved any better. In all the secret places of my heart, I thought I was getting what I had coming to me, and I could not depend on others to treat me better than I treated myself.

I was in therapy for five years to overcome the scars of my own childhood growing up with an alcoholic and verbally abusive mom, and a very very codependent dad, but the good news is I found a way out of that place.

I hope you can find it in you to give you and your daughter a chance, even though it feels overwhelming and very very hard. You both deserve it.

Sadconfused

I can relate to this 100%. I have pretty much accepted that it will never happen. He doesnt care and in the end I am just feeding my codependency by hoping he makes the decision instead of me standing up and making it myself. Not to mention every line one shouldnt cross in a relationship has been crossed. He is an abusive drunken jerk and I need to figure out how to make myself realize he doesnt matter. If he ends up destorying his life and he has a pretty good start then thats all on him, not me. I am only responsible for me and my little girl. She witnessed everything last night as did I yet he the one who caused it all gets to wake up and not remember a thing. He barely attempts to even fake some remorse and then has the nerve to tell me he loves me and ask for a hug. But of course in his twisted little mind he thinks its all ok because I had an affair.

I dont know, I can see myself getting smarter, knowing more, growing and changing. I can easily sort out real guilt from false guilt and catch my codependent ways over taking me. I can see them for what they are yet I cant stop them, it still over takes me most of the time. I just want to be normal, have normal people in my life, and for my kid to be able to eat her dinner in peace for once. I could be happy, I have no doubt that my life would be so much better without him living with me. But the false guilt kicks in and I feel bad for him, like his happiness is more important than mine. I just need to keep scarficing so he can be happy, I dont matter as much, I can handle the pain better. When did I turn into this person? He isnt my damn problem. I just frustrated with myself.

FourTwentyOne

I don't think I feel bad for him.
Wait. . . . . . .
Do I?!

Hmmm. ... how do I feel about him, and why am I with him?

Should we take stock?
Pros:
- I love him. (Well, not the guy who is on drugs, he sucks).
- I enjoy spending time with him. (Um, not that drug guy though).
- He is a good father. (except when he is high, or coming down, or jonesing of course)
- He has a drivers license and I don't (that's true, but you drive with him, and your kids when he's high. ...)
- He cuts the grass. (yup, so he can smoke a joint without being bothered).
- He shovels the snow (same reason)
- He takes out the trash (about every 2 weeks or so, if he feels like it, sometimes every week)
- Um. ......

Cons:
- He spends most nights out getting high.
- He spends a lot of money on getting high.
- He yells at my kids when he's coming down, or is jonesing (and when he's high he's out so. ..pretty much of the time)
- He loses a lot of things, or breaks a lot of things . . . (so do the kids LOL)
- He makes me feel like I am wrong most of the time.
- I like it better when he's not home. (is that a con?).

right. how does that add up?

Was I trying to say that I want to stay? WTF?

BoxinRotz

I think you need to go have another affair. WITH YOURSELF! And while you're there, fall in love.

Sadconfused

[QUOTE=FourTwentyOne;4172488
- I like it better when he's not home. (is that a con?).
[/QUOTE]

I can relate to that one as well, I feel so at peace when he isnt here. It means quiet, no walking on eggshells, freedom to just be without judgement over my every little movement. I am generally much happier when he isnt here. Which makes me think maybe Boxin is right, I just need to be alone to figure me out. I dont feel like I can fix myself with him still here trying to destroy me.

CarryOn

I hope I may make a gentle suggestion...why not call the DV hotline when things are calm for you? Just do it as a "fact finding" call...get the information from an expert and then you can consider yourself armed for the next incident.

To me, consulting with an attorney (or a DV hotline if needed) is just another resource for us. It goes hand-in-hand with counseling, Al-Anon, SR, reading books about the DOA and codependency, etc. Another tool in your arsenal for when you really need it.

Hugs to you.