Friendship and obligation, where to draw the line.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Friendship and obligation, where to draw the line.....
Will try to keep this short.
Back in early spring, I moved my best friend out of her marital home. Her hubby's drinking and pill popping had reached an unacceptable level.
Within two months of moving that ungodly heavy hide a bed couch, they were back playing house again. I just sat back, shook my head, and proceeded to watch the show.
Well about 10 days ago he was arrested for domestic assault. Yep, he came home from an 18 hour day of golf, drinks, and more drinks and she met him at the door.........
I am not condoning his actions, I have zero empathy for him and his current legal issues, but what seems to have me in a tailspin is and I hate saying this, BUT............. she played a role in what transpired.
First, she spent the day blowing up his phone. He was not taking her calls, and she was livid. She and I spent the afternoon together and I listened to her rant and rave, and repeat "I'm done, I"m really done this time."
When he arrived home, she was already in bed, had she stayed in bed, and NOT gotten up and got in his face, the pushing and shoving could have been avoided. But she was going to have the last word, and I believe her " I'll show him" who's boss attitude really was a factor in this.
We are not kids, we are in our 50's, She knows better than to argue with a drunk, this isn't her first rodeo, Anyway.......
Currently, she is on this poor me kick. I am finding it extremely difficult to be a true supportive friend. the other night at a BBQ she was really laying it thick, and of course she was really finding the sympathy in her audience.
I actually left the BBQ early because I was afraid of what I was going to say.
I should say these two have only been married a couple of years, both are financially sound, there a no minor children, and they both own their own separate homes. So why she wants to continue with this toxic dance is beyond me, but I am truly sick of this situation.
There is a no contact order in place, yet they spend their days texting. The very first thing he did is change the password on a bank account which has her fuming, but she has her own money, she doesn't need his, but this just seems like a big excuse to stay in contact, and obvi neither seem to want to abide by the no contact order.
I am at the point where I do NOT want to hear one more word out of her mouth about him. She refuses to block his #, and calls me every time he sends her a hurtful text. If she will not listen to reason, I have to be done.
Our friendship is becoming an obligating chore, and wearing me the hell right out.
I have been told by a mutual friend that I am being " insensitive" and I am really taking a self inventory here, because that is NOT my intention.
But I refuse to sugarcoat this unacceptable toxic situation.
Am I missing something here?
Perhaps I am lacking sensitive, kind, helpful words. Any thoughts?
Back in early spring, I moved my best friend out of her marital home. Her hubby's drinking and pill popping had reached an unacceptable level.
Within two months of moving that ungodly heavy hide a bed couch, they were back playing house again. I just sat back, shook my head, and proceeded to watch the show.
Well about 10 days ago he was arrested for domestic assault. Yep, he came home from an 18 hour day of golf, drinks, and more drinks and she met him at the door.........
I am not condoning his actions, I have zero empathy for him and his current legal issues, but what seems to have me in a tailspin is and I hate saying this, BUT............. she played a role in what transpired.
First, she spent the day blowing up his phone. He was not taking her calls, and she was livid. She and I spent the afternoon together and I listened to her rant and rave, and repeat "I'm done, I"m really done this time."
When he arrived home, she was already in bed, had she stayed in bed, and NOT gotten up and got in his face, the pushing and shoving could have been avoided. But she was going to have the last word, and I believe her " I'll show him" who's boss attitude really was a factor in this.
We are not kids, we are in our 50's, She knows better than to argue with a drunk, this isn't her first rodeo, Anyway.......
Currently, she is on this poor me kick. I am finding it extremely difficult to be a true supportive friend. the other night at a BBQ she was really laying it thick, and of course she was really finding the sympathy in her audience.
I actually left the BBQ early because I was afraid of what I was going to say.
I should say these two have only been married a couple of years, both are financially sound, there a no minor children, and they both own their own separate homes. So why she wants to continue with this toxic dance is beyond me, but I am truly sick of this situation.
There is a no contact order in place, yet they spend their days texting. The very first thing he did is change the password on a bank account which has her fuming, but she has her own money, she doesn't need his, but this just seems like a big excuse to stay in contact, and obvi neither seem to want to abide by the no contact order.
I am at the point where I do NOT want to hear one more word out of her mouth about him. She refuses to block his #, and calls me every time he sends her a hurtful text. If she will not listen to reason, I have to be done.
Our friendship is becoming an obligating chore, and wearing me the hell right out.
I have been told by a mutual friend that I am being " insensitive" and I am really taking a self inventory here, because that is NOT my intention.
But I refuse to sugarcoat this unacceptable toxic situation.
Am I missing something here?
Perhaps I am lacking sensitive, kind, helpful words. Any thoughts?
I'm just that girl
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: los angeles
Posts: 60
She's a toxic friend. What does she give TO the relationship...if you are the only one giving, you are just enabling her behavior.
Detach.
It sucks, but...your mental health is more important. She is in this cycle with him...it won't break by moving out.
Detach.
It sucks, but...your mental health is more important. She is in this cycle with him...it won't break by moving out.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
While no where near as dramatic, I have a friend in a similar situation where she goes through this frustrated dance with her AH & it gets OLD after a while.
She's a very, very good friend to me & I do not want to sacrifice our friendship but I had to sit her down & just point out that I wasn't interested in spending all of our "girl time" together listening to her bitch endlessly about the same issues over & over again. That I couldn't tell her what to do but that there was also a limit to how long she could cry on my shoulder without making any real efforts to change her situation. My friend is the opposite of yours where she stays ignorant about the disease of alcoholism on purpose because that way she can stay in this "I don't know" fog. Last time she complained to me & was once again shocked at her AH's behavior I told her that the only thing REALLY shocking is that she continues to be surprised by things she already knows are going to happen.
If it had been a lesser relationship I would have simply limited the time I spent with her more & more as the negativity continued & eventually just stopped pursuing the friendship altogether if it didn't stop. But she's a wonderful friend TO ME in every other way so I wanted to show her the respect of letting her know this upset me, especially since it literally flies in the face of all that I learn in my own recovery. We had our talk, I gave her some great resources to pursue & dropped it.
She still gets off kilter but she's more aware of it & when she wants to complain about it we talk for a bit & drop it - she doesn't just go on complaining endlessly as often any longer, she actually stops herself & changes the topic. I think after we spoke she started "hearing" herself differently & realized she had the ability to make changes.
She's a very, very good friend to me & I do not want to sacrifice our friendship but I had to sit her down & just point out that I wasn't interested in spending all of our "girl time" together listening to her bitch endlessly about the same issues over & over again. That I couldn't tell her what to do but that there was also a limit to how long she could cry on my shoulder without making any real efforts to change her situation. My friend is the opposite of yours where she stays ignorant about the disease of alcoholism on purpose because that way she can stay in this "I don't know" fog. Last time she complained to me & was once again shocked at her AH's behavior I told her that the only thing REALLY shocking is that she continues to be surprised by things she already knows are going to happen.
If it had been a lesser relationship I would have simply limited the time I spent with her more & more as the negativity continued & eventually just stopped pursuing the friendship altogether if it didn't stop. But she's a wonderful friend TO ME in every other way so I wanted to show her the respect of letting her know this upset me, especially since it literally flies in the face of all that I learn in my own recovery. We had our talk, I gave her some great resources to pursue & dropped it.
She still gets off kilter but she's more aware of it & when she wants to complain about it we talk for a bit & drop it - she doesn't just go on complaining endlessly as often any longer, she actually stops herself & changes the topic. I think after we spoke she started "hearing" herself differently & realized she had the ability to make changes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Our friendship is becoming an obligating chore, and wearing me the hell right out.
Even IF she was in dire need of your help and assistance and listening ear (which she is not), you would still be in your full right to put your own needs ahead of hers.
I've withdrawn from friends who have brought too much drama into my life. I don't have energy for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Thank you, thank you, thank you..........
for some reason I was feeling that our lifetime friendship had a different set of rules. hmm, must have thought our situation to be different, and unique. Thanks for reeling me back in everyone. Yes, I can detach.
@ Firesprite you nailed it, I dont want to waste all our girl time on this endless bitching nonsense.
Peace.
for some reason I was feeling that our lifetime friendship had a different set of rules. hmm, must have thought our situation to be different, and unique. Thanks for reeling me back in everyone. Yes, I can detach.
@ Firesprite you nailed it, I dont want to waste all our girl time on this endless bitching nonsense.
Peace.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Next time she talks to you about a problem ask her what she would do if it was you telling her that problem.
No you are not being insensitive, you are being healthy to your needs and getting out of a toxic situation.
No you are not being insensitive, you are being healthy to your needs and getting out of a toxic situation.
Originally Posted by marie1960 
Will try to keep this short.
Back in early spring, I moved my best friend out of her marital home. Her hubby's drinking and pill popping had reached an unacceptable level.
Within two months of moving that ungodly heavy hide a bed couch, they were back playing house again. I just sat back, shook my head, and proceeded to watch the show.
Well about 10 days ago he was arrested for domestic assault. Yep, he came home from an 18 hour day of golf, drinks, and more drinks and she met him at the door.........
I am not condoning his actions, I have zero empathy for him and his current legal issues, but what seems to have me in a tailspin is and I hate saying this, BUT............. she played a role in what transpired.
First, she spent the day blowing up his phone. He was not taking her calls, and she was livid. She and I spent the afternoon together and I listened to her rant and rave, and repeat "I'm done, I"m really done this time."
When he arrived home, she was already in bed, had she stayed in bed, and NOT gotten up and got in his face, the pushing and shoving could have been avoided. But she was going to have the last word, and I believe her " I'll show him" who's boss attitude really was a factor in this.
We are not kids, we are in our 50's, She knows better than to argue with a drunk, this isn't her first rodeo, Anyway.......
Currently, she is on this poor me kick. I am finding it extremely difficult to be a true supportive friend. the other night at a BBQ she was really laying it thick, and of course she was really finding the sympathy in her audience.
I actually left the BBQ early because I was afraid of what I was going to say.
I should say these two have only been married a couple of years, both are financially sound, there a no minor children, and they both own their own separate homes. So why she wants to continue with this toxic dance is beyond me, but I am truly sick of this situation.
There is a no contact order in place, yet they spend their days texting. The very first thing he did is change the password on a bank account which has her fuming, but she has her own money, she doesn't need his, but this just seems like a big excuse to stay in contact, and obvi neither seem to want to abide by the no contact order.
I am at the point where I do NOT want to hear one more word out of her mouth about him. She refuses to block his #, and calls me every time he sends her a hurtful text. If she will not listen to reason, I have to be done.
Our friendship is becoming an obligating chore, and wearing me the hell right out.
I have been told by a mutual friend that I am being " insensitive" and I am really taking a self inventory here, because that is NOT my intention.
But I refuse to sugarcoat this unacceptable toxic situation.
Am I missing something here?
Perhaps I am lacking sensitive, kind, helpful words. Any thoughts?
Back in early spring, I moved my best friend out of her marital home. Her hubby's drinking and pill popping had reached an unacceptable level.
Within two months of moving that ungodly heavy hide a bed couch, they were back playing house again. I just sat back, shook my head, and proceeded to watch the show.
Well about 10 days ago he was arrested for domestic assault. Yep, he came home from an 18 hour day of golf, drinks, and more drinks and she met him at the door.........
I am not condoning his actions, I have zero empathy for him and his current legal issues, but what seems to have me in a tailspin is and I hate saying this, BUT............. she played a role in what transpired.
First, she spent the day blowing up his phone. He was not taking her calls, and she was livid. She and I spent the afternoon together and I listened to her rant and rave, and repeat "I'm done, I"m really done this time."
When he arrived home, she was already in bed, had she stayed in bed, and NOT gotten up and got in his face, the pushing and shoving could have been avoided. But she was going to have the last word, and I believe her " I'll show him" who's boss attitude really was a factor in this.
We are not kids, we are in our 50's, She knows better than to argue with a drunk, this isn't her first rodeo, Anyway.......
Currently, she is on this poor me kick. I am finding it extremely difficult to be a true supportive friend. the other night at a BBQ she was really laying it thick, and of course she was really finding the sympathy in her audience.
I actually left the BBQ early because I was afraid of what I was going to say.
I should say these two have only been married a couple of years, both are financially sound, there a no minor children, and they both own their own separate homes. So why she wants to continue with this toxic dance is beyond me, but I am truly sick of this situation.
There is a no contact order in place, yet they spend their days texting. The very first thing he did is change the password on a bank account which has her fuming, but she has her own money, she doesn't need his, but this just seems like a big excuse to stay in contact, and obvi neither seem to want to abide by the no contact order.
I am at the point where I do NOT want to hear one more word out of her mouth about him. She refuses to block his #, and calls me every time he sends her a hurtful text. If she will not listen to reason, I have to be done.
Our friendship is becoming an obligating chore, and wearing me the hell right out.
I have been told by a mutual friend that I am being " insensitive" and I am really taking a self inventory here, because that is NOT my intention.
But I refuse to sugarcoat this unacceptable toxic situation.
Am I missing something here?
Perhaps I am lacking sensitive, kind, helpful words. Any thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
You are just being rational, and your friend is not. You should be able to tell your friend what you really think about the whole situation and how it affects you. We all have drama now and then in our life, but some people simply live drama and breathe drama and eat drama and dream drama. It is perfectly fine to make yourself emotionally unavailable. Just listen to your inner voice. Once you hear "hey, that's BS!" you are probably 1000% correct. So, set some rules and stick to them.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Marie-
I don't know if it helps or not.
I have found that I BEHAVE in similar ways with my friendships that I did with my loved one with an addiction. Not all of them, but a situation like this one would have me reeling.
I have gotten better when I have used some of the same tools with those relationships that I used with my loved one with an addiction.
I don't know if it helps or not.
I have found that I BEHAVE in similar ways with my friendships that I did with my loved one with an addiction. Not all of them, but a situation like this one would have me reeling.
I have gotten better when I have used some of the same tools with those relationships that I used with my loved one with an addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
So tonite she and I took walk on the beach, the dog days of summer are here. Think it was 95 here, but the winds of change are in the air.
She and I have skipped rocks together on the beach since we were 3 years old. Built every sandcastle together, and had the best beach parties EVER . Between the two of us we have 7 kids, we laughed and remember walking the shore in early labor with our summer babies. We laughed, just thinking about how much sand our kids must have ate over the years.........
And then she mentioned him, and I calmly said, our lives are more than half over and I cannot afford to waste any more valuable time on HIM. I told her "I will be with YOU to support YOU, but if you really needs help in sorting this out, you better hire a professional." I can no longer listen, or be apart of this crazy.
it's been over two years since I have been involved with an active alkie. I believe I have moved on in life, but to listen to her issues, sucks me right back in. I just shiver and shake at the memories of life with an active addict. I really get it, I also know I had to choose better for myself, no one else can do it. Currently, she must not be ready, and she will have to figure it out.
The affirmation remains the same, this disease can and will suck the ever living life out of you if YOU allow it.......
She and I have skipped rocks together on the beach since we were 3 years old. Built every sandcastle together, and had the best beach parties EVER . Between the two of us we have 7 kids, we laughed and remember walking the shore in early labor with our summer babies. We laughed, just thinking about how much sand our kids must have ate over the years.........
And then she mentioned him, and I calmly said, our lives are more than half over and I cannot afford to waste any more valuable time on HIM. I told her "I will be with YOU to support YOU, but if you really needs help in sorting this out, you better hire a professional." I can no longer listen, or be apart of this crazy.
it's been over two years since I have been involved with an active alkie. I believe I have moved on in life, but to listen to her issues, sucks me right back in. I just shiver and shake at the memories of life with an active addict. I really get it, I also know I had to choose better for myself, no one else can do it. Currently, she must not be ready, and she will have to figure it out.
The affirmation remains the same, this disease can and will suck the ever living life out of you if YOU allow it.......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: California
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by NWGRITS
You're doing the same dance she is, only with her instead of him. You can detach the same way you think she should. No guilt necessary. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Uneffinbelievable, update here folks.
Sooooooooo............. this morning she drops by my office, to tell me she just left the victim's advocate office. She went there to ask that the no contact order be lifted, as they have decided to seek marriage counselling. Of course the court advocate explained that is not how the process works, and no contact, means no contact until after the sentencing. Umm......they BOTH have been in violation of that no contact order from day one.
This is how sick they both really are, he would go to court for a hearing, and then he would pick her up after and they would go have lunch, or drinks, I found myself in a WTF just happened tailspin. I've been reeling myself in daily since September when this incident first took place.
But NO MORE, I am done.
She and I got into quite an argument.
First, she asked me to go to court with her when she makes her impact statement, this incident in her twisted head has now become a big misunderstanding.
I went off on her like a firecracker, and while it fell on deaf ears, it felt great to tell her, "You created this storm, with all the thunder and lightening, and now you are pissed that it is raining on your parade?"
I went on to say she better be very careful in how she proceeds, they could charge her with filing a false police report. She is currently using the court system to try and control her out of control husband, and that is effed right up!!!
Again I am done!!! and to whoever first said "Not my monkey, not my circus" a big thank you!!! that is my mantra, actually putting it to music in my head, imagining Bob Dylan singing it, and I've added a few chorus lines, but they are not G rated so I'll leave it at that.........
Thanks for letting me get it all out....................
Sooooooooo............. this morning she drops by my office, to tell me she just left the victim's advocate office. She went there to ask that the no contact order be lifted, as they have decided to seek marriage counselling. Of course the court advocate explained that is not how the process works, and no contact, means no contact until after the sentencing. Umm......they BOTH have been in violation of that no contact order from day one.
This is how sick they both really are, he would go to court for a hearing, and then he would pick her up after and they would go have lunch, or drinks, I found myself in a WTF just happened tailspin. I've been reeling myself in daily since September when this incident first took place.
But NO MORE, I am done.
She and I got into quite an argument.
First, she asked me to go to court with her when she makes her impact statement, this incident in her twisted head has now become a big misunderstanding.
I went off on her like a firecracker, and while it fell on deaf ears, it felt great to tell her, "You created this storm, with all the thunder and lightening, and now you are pissed that it is raining on your parade?"
I went on to say she better be very careful in how she proceeds, they could charge her with filing a false police report. She is currently using the court system to try and control her out of control husband, and that is effed right up!!!
Again I am done!!! and to whoever first said "Not my monkey, not my circus" a big thank you!!! that is my mantra, actually putting it to music in my head, imagining Bob Dylan singing it, and I've added a few chorus lines, but they are not G rated so I'll leave it at that.........
Thanks for letting me get it all out....................
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
How disappointing. My sister is famous for this back & forth control struggle with her baby-daddy & it drives me up the wall. In what world does it ever make sense to DROP a Restraining Order that you once begged for in order to feel protected?? I never thought about it the way you put it - using the system to exert control, that's it exactly!!
I'm sorry your friend is stuck in that mental place where she accepts this cycle as her normal.... but GOOD FOR YOU for standing up for yourself and telling her how you feel without sugar coating it (and for making it clear you won't be enabling her behavior). THAT is truly beautiful!!
(p.s. I must confess that the "Not my Monkey, Not my Circus" phrase has become one of my absolute favorite sayings learned here at SR. Priceless!!)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
