kristin7645

This is sort of a vent. I guess this would go in my diary if I had one. This might be lengthy and I apologize. I don't know why but today I kept picturing my mom when she was healthy. I haven't seen her that way for almost 20 years. It started with the thought that I really don't know if I will cry when she dies. The thought that I will almost feel relieved. The horrible thought that every time I think of her I feel so bad that I get anxious and want to just shut off.
So I was driving to work and thinking of this at 7:30 this morning. Not quite sure why. I then started picturing her when I was little. And how sane she used to be. How loving. How normal. I'm not sure what snapped in her. I keep thinking of my parents divorce. That is when she went to the dark side. But she initiated and chose that. Not my dad.
So again, what was her flipping point. Part of me feels really bad because after she told my dad she wanted a divorce, and I was twelve at the time, she asked me and my sister if the house was really important to us. Of course we say yes. We grew up in it. Every memory we had was there. The memory of my mom and dad together was there. I had a really hard time with the divorce. I still miss that house from the bottom of my heart.
Then what follows is her stress about keeping up the mortgage and bills.
However, she was spending a lot of her money on alcohol and crack by this time. Hooking up with shady guys. I can't erase from my mind the time a guy who had offered to fix her car for free, really showed his alterior motives. I sat in my room listening to him rape her. I couldn't do anything so I turned up the music.
However, she kept Divulging in the young culture. She was almost 50 dating a guy that just turned 23. Getting in over her head. But was it the egg or the chicken? Did she cause the crash, or did the stress that I initiated ultimately crack her? I know everyone will say it isn't' my fault, but I will always wonder.
Then she became the "cool" mom. Always the life of the party, and the accepting mom. I got into some things as a kid. I was very stressed. My mom was doing crack and an alcoholic. Crazy people were in my house all of the time and the police were called to our house a lot. She would forget to pick me up from work ( I couldn't drive and we lived 10 minutes out of town). I would have to hitch hike or beg for a ride from someone I worked with. But sometimes they were already picked up. I remember when my mom forgot me and my sister when we came back from the six flags. It was after 10:30pm at night and we ended up sleeping at a strangers house. Thank god nothing bad happened.
People say just talk about things. It will go away and you can move on. I don't' know why but I can't. I feel like I'm damaged. I forget for a while, but it always resurfaces. I can't get these memories out of my head as much as I try. My dad married an evil woman and I didn't want any part of that. At the time I was young and dumb and I thought my choice laid between a mom who needed help who loved me and a dad who was more interested in his new wife whom he had married less than year after the divorce that despised me. I chose my mom. To me at the time I was choosing love over money. So I suffered of my own will.
For a time we had scarce food. We always had something but usually it was ramen, box dinners, or a fast food deal. However, with school lunches my mom was too lazy to apply for help or give us anything so I was left with no lunches mooching off of my other friend whose mom also was into crack who had been hanging out with my mom. At least her mom had applied for welfare and so I shared my friends government given lunches.typically a cookie since that was the most affordable item that we could get. Or we'd go to Wendy's to get $1.00 sandwiches. Most other places were to far to go to get back to school in time. Or after I was 14 and could get a job we could afford cheap food. Before that I babysat. From 12 years old on I was an adult.
There were winters that we didn't have any heat. Me, my mom, and her boyfriend all laid in the living room with a space heater. They can't shut it off in the winter, but they can in the summer and not reinstate it in the winter. Then the fleas came. My mom's boyfriends cat got fleas. Well then an all out infestation happened. My mom and her boyfriend were too high and drunk to care.
It took almost 6 months before they tried to do anything about it and by then most of my friends would not come over or hang out with me. Their parents were worried about the environment and I was embarrassed at school.
So I got a job at 14. I was shift manager of a Cousins Subs. I worked 40 hours a week while going to school. I actually improved in my grades. I only wanted to focus on the future not the present. I changed my GPA from maybe a 3.0 to a 3.8 GPA. I at times worked 2 jobs while going to school full time. 60-70 hour weeks were the norm. I went to college and I am still going now. I have had managerial jobs etc.
However, I now am watching my moms personality change. She is completely gone. I know that she doesn't have much longer to live and I think she is having liver failure although she won't go to a doctor. She appears to have ascites.
I have found that in the last 5 years I have begun to abuse alcohol. I don't' think I'm an alcoholic. But if you believe so please tell me. I don't want to be in denial. I feel a tremendous amount of stress every day. I have horrible anxiety and I really can't relax. I can't shut my brain off. All I think about is the future, success, and life. I have been drinking 2-6 drinks per night for probably about 7 years. I am becoming the very thing I despise. I think that I am intelligent enough to know this and change, but knowledge isn't exactly a cure. It is so hard to watch myself make mistakes that my mom made and that make me want to vomit.
Currently I go to work every day. I just was promoted. If anything I'm a functioning abuser. However, I just feel that I need to decompress and my moms alcoholism both made me a bit crazy and need alcohol and also a bit prone to alcoholism and I should not drink it. I think that if I consciously make the decision to be done which is hard I will be able to. I just quit smoking 5 months ago and I had smoked for 18 years.
I have no question here. I just really wanted to express all of my thoughts and emotions. Please comment as you like.

BeatleChick

I have no advice. Only hugs. Weird awkward internet stranger hugs, but hugs nonetheless.

llastchance8

Dear Kristine, Thank you for expressing and sharing.. Venting it all out is not easy and needs lots of courage.. But it does help a lot.

You exactly know what is going on and you also know what to do next.. We are really happy that found this fantastic support forum . Just hang in here. Keep reading other people' life stories, experiences, sharing etc..

Welcome aboard and hugs to you.

Crazed

Welcome to SR. Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. When I once asked my EXAG (who is in recovery) if her father was an alcoholic, she replied with "I don't think so, but he always has a bottle of Vodka in the car." I thought to myself "Duh! Non-alcoholics do not have bottles of Vodka in their car!" Her father was a high-functioning Vodka alcoholic for decades. Sometimes things we have grown up with we accept as normal. From an outsider looking in, in my humble opinion, 2-6 drinks per night for 7 years may be viewed by some as dancing between abusing alcohol and being alcoholic.

One thing that resonates with me is your statement of This was the main reason my EXAG drank. The first drink helped her achieve peace. But this led to more drinks, then bad decisions, etc... She managed to hold it together for years... But it eventually became too great for her to control, until it took over and she lost everything.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace.

ZenMe

Kristin,

Wow you had it rough. From what you describe your drinking sounds like a symptom of a larger set of unresolved issues from your childhood. You have been dealing it with the best way you know how to.

I mean this kindly, you may benefit from therapy. Try a few therapist until you find one you like. The fact that you have identified and made all these connections tells me you want to get better and not follow suit. It's never to late and thank you for posting. Please continue doing so. Lot's of great support here.

chicory

Kristin,

I , too, send a hug. I can surely relate to your experiences. Both my parents drank, tho my mom did not until their divorce, when I was 12. I went through similar things. I know the shame, worry, etc, that comes with that life.

Good for you, coming here, sharing, and for your desire for a good life. you can have it, you have the drive the smarts, etc, to do it. And good for you, for looking at your own drinking-I personally stay away from it, tho at times I wanted to escape. There is no situation that drinking makes better, as they say here.

Don't feel guilty that you are going on with your life, and your mom is not. She has a sickness, and you cannot change that. You have a right to a happy life, and I wish you well. STick around here, for some great support. Happiness can be found, and bad memories can be lessened, by the promise of a better life.

Chicory

FeelingGreat

Kristin I was very moved by your post. No-body should have to carry those burdens, especially a child. I'm so glad you found SR and had the confidence to post and share with us. As for your drinking, it's hard to say, you could go on for years at the same level, or escalate into alcoholism. Lots of people have a drink to wind down in the evening, but with your family history it may be better to be cautious.
I agree with those who suggest therapy. If you find someone you can relate to, why not release some of that heavy load you've been carrying? All the best.

Sasha4

Oh my goodness, you really do need to be here so that you can vent away about this.
I am so glad you found us.
You deserve so much better than this.

I don't know how to advise you regarding your mum and the events that took place. I can see though she has inflicted a lot of damage on you.

I do know from my own experience that drinking in the short term might help with dealing the thoughts, the emotions, the anger of what happened. But it is not a long term solution. It just makes everything worse in the long term and can have a massive impact on your quality of life and mental health.

Do you think you are falling into patterns that you witnessed your mum had?

I really do wish you the best. xxxx

BlueSkies1

First, I want to say as an objective outside viewer, the idea that you created any of the dysfunction within your mother is absurd.
I hope you find that comforting.
You were an innocent child.
Reconnect with your innocence, because with the daily drinking, you are carrying guilt over something you did not have anything to do with, and zero power over.
Anyone who needs to drink daily has a problem.
Don't feel badly about yourself that you have a problem. You are not a bad person, but you are making bad choices when it comes to alcohol.
Recognize it, and make the logical decision to stop drinking daily.
It doesn't have to be an emotional experience, just a logical one.
If you try and fail, then it is time to see an addiction counselor.

LovesVWs

I am amazed that no one has sent you to a meeting yet. Hit up an Al-Anon one, and then find an AA one as well. You are not alone, there are a lot of people like you out there and the actual support and being able to talk to others on BOTH sides of the fence will be a relief.

DylanS

Hi Kristin,

Wow, I'm glad you're here and thank you for your post. My home life growing up was crazy in a different way, but I resonated so much with the idea that no one was in charge.

It sounds as though the coping skills that emerged strongly for you are excelling and pushing ahead. As I'm sure you're experiencing, those coping strategies have both a light and a dark side. The dark side being endless stress and tension. But, if that's what we came up with (for lack of modeling by our parents), more power to us! It sounds like now you're saying that you need other coping strategies, to find more balance.

The simplest definition of alcoholism I've found is:
1. Can I stop and stay stopped? - Can I make the decision to leave it alone for, say, a year? And no fudging - I can't, after 3 or 4 months say, "Oh I changed my mind". That's alcoholic thinking. Non-alcoholics can leave it alone for a year or more without much thought.
2. Can I, after 1-2 drinks stop abruptly? - Can I make the decision to have 1-2 drinks (same kind, same time each night) and stop? Again, no fudging - I can't say, "Oh I decided I'm too stressed and want to relax more." That's the physical component of alcoholism talking.

I agree with you: just 'not thinking' about it doesn't do squat. Those memories and the messages I received from those memories are encoded in my mind and I need to process the trauma and the pain. I have used EMDR with a therapist which has helped a great deal. I also used EBT (emotional brain training). However, if your answer to the above alcoholic criteria, you probably ought to address that first and foremost.

Welcome to SR. Please stay and get support, read, talk to others. This site has incredible people here, lots of support.

Again - thank you for your post.

jaynie04

Hi Kristin and hugs....

It is so sad to hear about a little girl who was not nurtured, I identify a lot. (I started washing dishes at 14 and graduated college with the exact same GPA!). A lot of times when we are not allowed to have safety and stability in our childhood we survive, and cope by developing strategies that probably to some extent save our lives.

The people who are supposed to protect us from harm are the ones who are causing it. We learn to contour, to anticipate, trust would be crazy in that environment. The fallout from households, too much (religion, money, booze, drugs, punishment, control) or too little of these same things usually shows up as we become adults. One of the most difficult environments to grow up with is a changing landscape where it swings back and forth between the two. There is a great book called "Drama of the Gifted Child", it speaks to how this situation manifests later in life.

Where you are at is not unusual. Your hyper-vigilance likely saved you, but now it is catching up with you. I was the oldest, overachiever, etc. In my 20's I was very high functioning, in my 30's I was functioning but the wheels were beginning to come off the bus. Because I was driven and perfectionistic I didn't know how to relax. It felt frivolous to not be productive 24/7. I not only helped others, I anticipated what they needed before they even asked.....I felt like I was losing it.

Then I started to use alcohol and benzos to relax. I had a host of medical issues, my nervous system was shot from running on empty. I didn't know how to nurture myself, how could I? It is a skill most people are taught in childhood.

When you aren't given the chance to feel safe in childhood you are always on guard. Then that same thing that saved you comes back to bite you in the butt. Alcohol helps us shut down....for a while. Then the alcohol begins to create even more problems. I have depression and generalized anxiety disorder, adding alcohol to the equation was a dangerous proposition.

You had it really rough, I am so sorry, it is so disturbing to hear about neglect and abuse. It is hard to believe but alcohol only complicates the situation. You sound like a very intelligent, compassionate and strong person. There are a lot of different support groups out there. One thing that helped me so much was to know I wasn't alone, and that I needed to learn how to really nurture myself in adulthood. One of those steps was to quit drinking. It is not easy, but I believe that if I didn't then I would have never given myself the chance that wasn't given to me when I was young. You are worth it! Welcome!

soberhawk

I can relate to quite a bit from your post – at least from a chaotic childhood and loose trust in your parents in a early age.

I do not know whether I can give you any usable advice, but there are some things that wished I would had realized a little younger than I did – maybe you can use some of otherwise just disregard it.

I have similar experience as you, realized early that my parents could not be trusted and worked very hard to make it and did also use alcohol to relax. I was annoyed that I always should have so stressful a life, but in reality I needed it as escape and cooping mechanism.

English is not my firs language so I do not know whether self-esteme and self-confidence has quite the same meaning in English as in my language. We see self-esteme as the feeling good you can have without the need to do anything to deserve it while self-confidence is what you work for and is always dependent on your performance.

I think self-esteme comes from being loved and nurtured as a child and young. If you have had an abusive childhood – and your is abuse even if nobody did hit you, you were way to young to be adult as twelve – you do not have a lot of it.

Children from abusive childhood seldom have a lot of self-esteme and are lacking a lot of coping mechanism to have an easy live.

If they are strong they often work hard, try to be in control – and try to escape difficult feelings.

Alcohol will not help in the long run – these relaxing moments do come with a cost.

You do deserve to feel good about yourself without working hard and being in control, there is no doubt about that.

If I could send that to you with a “weird awkward internet stranger hugs” I would.

Do take care, be careful with alcohol.

hisimage48

What an amazing story, what a strong person you are. Keep strong, look forward. You know the answers to your questions, move ahead.

Flavia2

Kristin,
I found something that helps with the anxiety and when you need to calm your mind. It is the 4-7-8 breathing method by Dr. Weil, and it is very good for controlling anxiety. There is a You Tube video of him where he demonstrates and talks about its effectiveness. The thing I like about it is that you can even calm yourself if you wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep.
Maybe try to develop a bedtime routine where you take care of yourself. A cup of tea, a good book, and the breathing exercises. It may help you see you can do something other than use alcohol to shut out the thoughts and feelings.

Good luck.

kristin7645

Thank you guys for your responses. I was overwhelmed with the support and feedback. Thank you for all of your hugs and advice. I think that I need to lead up to changing. I am setting a plan. I did the same with quitting smoking. On the 1st of October I plan to cut my drinking down to 3 nights per week at most and limit of 4 drinks per night at most. So that will allow me 12 drinks per week. If I am unable to accomplish this, then I will know that I need to completely quit drinking. I fear that if I try to completely quit drinking I will wonder if I would have been able to just change my ways and that will lead to relapse. I don't want doubt. I want to know that I need to cut it out of that is what I need to do and then turn that into conviction.