On the outs with Alcoholic Brother
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4
On the outs with Alcoholic Brother
Where to start... I just would like to hear from some others going through similar situations because I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
My slightly younger brother (we're both in our 30's) has been drinking for about five years. He's been repeatedly homeless and unemployed, and he keeps ending up staying with me and my family.
Got his 1st DUI about 2yrs ago, still claims he was "ok to drive" that night even though his BAL was nearly twice the limit. Got 2nd DUI within a few months of getting his DL back and all that mess is still pending- this time he says he wasn't drunk either but he was belligerent with the cops and refused the breathalizer so it's a DUI no matter what, and he says he should have just taken the test because he would have passed. Anyway, he's been staying with us for eight months "until he got back on his feet" but he continues to drink. He did start getting help for some mental issues and is now taking meds (and I really am glad he's getting help for that, but he knows he isn't supposed to drink on those meds and that doesn't stop him), but about a month ago he raided my medicine cabinet and tried to kill himself in my home. I took him to the ER under threat of calling the police if he didn't let me drive him, and nothing in our relationship has been the same since. I have run out of compassion for him and I am done letting him live here if he's just going to spend money on alcohol whenever he sees fit. I am now to the point where I don't want him in my home or my life anymore until he agrees to quit drinking and smoking weed altogether. He lies about smoking pot even though he reeks of it and he says that I'm being too overbearing by begrudging him a couple of beers every now and then because he says that even though the meds are helping, he still needs to drink a little for his anxiety. He still thinks there is no problem. That MY attitude about his using is the problem. The only reason I have helped him for this long is because I knew I was the only thing standing between him and living in his car. But after all this, I'm having a hard time caring. The way I see it is that I basically gave him a choice between his "couple beers" and me and my family and a free place to live. And he chose the alcohol, in whatever amount- that is more important apparently. He is extremely stubborn. He says that I just think that my way is the only way and that I'm trying to control his life by making him choose. I'm having a hard time staying sane here, and I feel that the only way I can survive this myself is to cut myself off from him until he is willing to stop the drinking and toking 100%. Any time I talk to him about quitting, he attacks me verbally for what he sees as MY personality flaws. He even talks bad about my husband, who has been supporting his life financially all this time because I wasn't strong enough to kick my brother out.
The really bad part is, we were the last sober people in his life. I'm all there is in the way of family. His wife (separated) and all his friends are users too. He really is on his own. And I feel awful. SO guilty. I am scared to death that he's going to hit bottom in a big way and try again to kill himself and that it will be my fault because I gave him the boot. I'm sure he would be happy as a pig in poo if he knew how bad I was feeling right now. I just need to hear it straight. Am I taking being too hard on him?
(One side note: He refuses to go to AA because he says people who believe in God are weak-minded and delusional. So I bought him Rational Recovery. The only thing he got from that is that some people can wean down to a "couple beers" and he's decided that he's one of those. So THAT bit me in the hindquarters...)
My slightly younger brother (we're both in our 30's) has been drinking for about five years. He's been repeatedly homeless and unemployed, and he keeps ending up staying with me and my family.
Got his 1st DUI about 2yrs ago, still claims he was "ok to drive" that night even though his BAL was nearly twice the limit. Got 2nd DUI within a few months of getting his DL back and all that mess is still pending- this time he says he wasn't drunk either but he was belligerent with the cops and refused the breathalizer so it's a DUI no matter what, and he says he should have just taken the test because he would have passed. Anyway, he's been staying with us for eight months "until he got back on his feet" but he continues to drink. He did start getting help for some mental issues and is now taking meds (and I really am glad he's getting help for that, but he knows he isn't supposed to drink on those meds and that doesn't stop him), but about a month ago he raided my medicine cabinet and tried to kill himself in my home. I took him to the ER under threat of calling the police if he didn't let me drive him, and nothing in our relationship has been the same since. I have run out of compassion for him and I am done letting him live here if he's just going to spend money on alcohol whenever he sees fit. I am now to the point where I don't want him in my home or my life anymore until he agrees to quit drinking and smoking weed altogether. He lies about smoking pot even though he reeks of it and he says that I'm being too overbearing by begrudging him a couple of beers every now and then because he says that even though the meds are helping, he still needs to drink a little for his anxiety. He still thinks there is no problem. That MY attitude about his using is the problem. The only reason I have helped him for this long is because I knew I was the only thing standing between him and living in his car. But after all this, I'm having a hard time caring. The way I see it is that I basically gave him a choice between his "couple beers" and me and my family and a free place to live. And he chose the alcohol, in whatever amount- that is more important apparently. He is extremely stubborn. He says that I just think that my way is the only way and that I'm trying to control his life by making him choose. I'm having a hard time staying sane here, and I feel that the only way I can survive this myself is to cut myself off from him until he is willing to stop the drinking and toking 100%. Any time I talk to him about quitting, he attacks me verbally for what he sees as MY personality flaws. He even talks bad about my husband, who has been supporting his life financially all this time because I wasn't strong enough to kick my brother out.
The really bad part is, we were the last sober people in his life. I'm all there is in the way of family. His wife (separated) and all his friends are users too. He really is on his own. And I feel awful. SO guilty. I am scared to death that he's going to hit bottom in a big way and try again to kill himself and that it will be my fault because I gave him the boot. I'm sure he would be happy as a pig in poo if he knew how bad I was feeling right now. I just need to hear it straight. Am I taking being too hard on him?
(One side note: He refuses to go to AA because he says people who believe in God are weak-minded and delusional. So I bought him Rational Recovery. The only thing he got from that is that some people can wean down to a "couple beers" and he's decided that he's one of those. So THAT bit me in the hindquarters...)
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, quilteriffic! Sorry for the extremely messed-up situation you described in your post...sounds like you're carrying a big burden, one that may not even be yours to carry.
SR is a wonderful, supportive community w/folks who are very willing to share their experience, strength and hope. I'm glad you found your way here.
Can I also suggest Alanon? Many of us here find that a combination of Alanon and this site work really well in getting our heads on straight and pointing our lives in the direction we want them to go. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Please keep reading and posting here, do all you can to educate yourself about alcoholism and other addictions. The more you know, the better you will be able to figure out what is your responsibility and what is not.
Again, welcome, and I hope things begin to look clearer to you in the very near future.
SR is a wonderful, supportive community w/folks who are very willing to share their experience, strength and hope. I'm glad you found your way here.
Can I also suggest Alanon? Many of us here find that a combination of Alanon and this site work really well in getting our heads on straight and pointing our lives in the direction we want them to go. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Please keep reading and posting here, do all you can to educate yourself about alcoholism and other addictions. The more you know, the better you will be able to figure out what is your responsibility and what is not.
Again, welcome, and I hope things begin to look clearer to you in the very near future.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ontario
Posts: 180
What I am learning from being on SR, and talking to my T is that I am not responsible for anyone else's actions. You are not responsible for your brother. Well alcoholism and addictions are a disease, it is still his choice. It's not that he doesn't care for you, or your family. It's simply that, his first and strongest priority right now is getting his next drink or his next joint. You are only prolonging the problem, by trying to help. I think most of us have tried the same thing. What we have to learn, is that the best thing we can do, is let them hit bottom. Until he hits bottom, he probably won't get the help he needs. You, and your family, don't need to go down with him. Be strong, you are doing the right thing by letting him go. If something happens to him, it is not your fault! It is his choice! Hang in there. Keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
He sounds pretty damn comfy at your house with you and your husband supporting him. Help him hit bottom and let his buddies take care of him.
And don't forget that, although you will stop enabling him with free room and board, you are NOT responsible for him! 30 days notice oughta sober him up enough to collect his belongings and get out.
You don't have to put up with that. His alcoholism is not your fault, no matter what he says. You are not a door mat. He will not stop until he feels powerless over his WHOLE situation, including his drinking, toking and homelessness. And, until he does, he will keep going down the path to ruin. Only he can stop the madness and recover. He's just not ready and you don't have to watch this and foot the bill either.
And don't forget that, although you will stop enabling him with free room and board, you are NOT responsible for him! 30 days notice oughta sober him up enough to collect his belongings and get out.
You don't have to put up with that. His alcoholism is not your fault, no matter what he says. You are not a door mat. He will not stop until he feels powerless over his WHOLE situation, including his drinking, toking and homelessness. And, until he does, he will keep going down the path to ruin. Only he can stop the madness and recover. He's just not ready and you don't have to watch this and foot the bill either.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
The only person you are too hard on is yourself! You've got a freeloading drunk in your house who is giving you a hard time because you want him to straighten out. He wont do that til he's ready and he may never be ready.
Keep reading here, go to Al Anon, which is for you, not him.
Keep reading here, go to Al Anon, which is for you, not him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Porto Alegre
Posts: 18
I totally understand the dilemma. Totally. I'm now in a similar situation with my sister, who has decompensated cirrhosis and won't stop drinking. She doesnt' live with me, and I intend to take my nephew from her care. And I too worry it may be the final blow - am I being her last excuse to drink? Am I being cruel to a sick and ill person? Am I avoiding my obligation as sister?
But you know... they are adults and they are responsible for their actions. I feel the burden of obligation, and of course the moral dilemma. Every single day. I get sad and exhasperated. But I'm not the one holding the bottle. I don't have to witness her killing herself.
The guilt trip is hard, I know. What I try to do is.... I count my blessings. Like you I have a supporting husband, and I don't know what I'd do without him.
Something I find helpful is to completely avoid arguments. I don't argue anymore, all arguments are pure insanity. It's all lies, manipulations, madness. So I act or don't act, I don't argue. But like I said, I don't live with her, so I have breathing space.
If you give him the boot it may actually be the best thing that ever happened to him.
I wish you well!
But you know... they are adults and they are responsible for their actions. I feel the burden of obligation, and of course the moral dilemma. Every single day. I get sad and exhasperated. But I'm not the one holding the bottle. I don't have to witness her killing herself.
The guilt trip is hard, I know. What I try to do is.... I count my blessings. Like you I have a supporting husband, and I don't know what I'd do without him.
Something I find helpful is to completely avoid arguments. I don't argue anymore, all arguments are pure insanity. It's all lies, manipulations, madness. So I act or don't act, I don't argue. But like I said, I don't live with her, so I have breathing space.
If you give him the boot it may actually be the best thing that ever happened to him.
I wish you well!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
There's this misconception that family has to be there to rescue each other from the big, bad world. It's not true. You are not obligated in any way to take care of your brother. He is an addict, and he needs to feel the pain of his addiction if he ever has any hope of hitting bottom and eventually reaching sobriety. You rescuing him all the time is just holding him back and dragging out the natural progression of things. So he has to live in his car. It's not the worst thing in the world. My oldest brother lived in his car for a long time, and now he's a multimillionaire (put himself through school on grants and financial aid, and retired in his mid-30s after starting CommerceOne from the ground level). If he's never forced to take responsibility for his actions, then he will never stand a chance of seeing the light.
One of the first things we learn in Al-Anon is the 3 C's: I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it. Nothing you do or don't do MAKES your brother drink. Addicts will say and do anything to maintain the status quo, and that comes with a lot of blame shifting and accusations. When they feel threatened, they are going to turn it around on you and make it your fault. Until you're holding his mouth open and pouring the booze down his throat, you're not MAKING him drink.
And as far as him hurting himself, if you think he's a threat to himself or anyone else, call 911 and have them do a care call on him. They can put him where he needs to be. But also know that many addicts/abusers use threats of self-harm as manipulation tactics, and you've bought it hook, line, and sinker. If he's truly a danger to himself, then he will be better off in a psych ward. If he's not, I'll bet you a cookie he's going to blame YOU for embarrassing him/causing him stress/whatever quacking he chooses to do after the paramedics leave. The ones who are just trying to guilt you into keeping their cozy arrangements HATE the care calls.
One of the first things we learn in Al-Anon is the 3 C's: I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it. Nothing you do or don't do MAKES your brother drink. Addicts will say and do anything to maintain the status quo, and that comes with a lot of blame shifting and accusations. When they feel threatened, they are going to turn it around on you and make it your fault. Until you're holding his mouth open and pouring the booze down his throat, you're not MAKING him drink.
And as far as him hurting himself, if you think he's a threat to himself or anyone else, call 911 and have them do a care call on him. They can put him where he needs to be. But also know that many addicts/abusers use threats of self-harm as manipulation tactics, and you've bought it hook, line, and sinker. If he's truly a danger to himself, then he will be better off in a psych ward. If he's not, I'll bet you a cookie he's going to blame YOU for embarrassing him/causing him stress/whatever quacking he chooses to do after the paramedics leave. The ones who are just trying to guilt you into keeping their cozy arrangements HATE the care calls.
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