Lindseynicole89

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two years now. He is in denial that he is an alcoholic. I have struggled up and down about what to do. He drinks just about everyday and at least twice a month he drinks to the point where he becomes a completely different person, I don't drink unless it is a special occasion. He does not trust me (for reasons unknown, he says i am hiding things from him. I've lied to him one time and the next day I told him that I lied, but since then I have been 100% honest with him)and a lot of that anger he has towards me comes out when he drinks too much. He has never touched me but he beats me down with very cruel words and actions (he's spit on me a handful of times). My family does not like him due to how he has treated me and the things he does and says at family events.
I'm to the point where I don't know what to do, I put my hands on him tonight. I was sleeping and he came in our room and was hovering over me and woke me up saying something about one of my younger brothers friends (pretty much telling me to go sleep with him) and I was livid. I tried to turn around and elbow him in the face but I missed so I grabbed him by his throat and pushed him off of me. He tried to leave and I managed to get him to go to sleep.
I have never held him accountable for the things he has said and done to me, but I just lost it tonight, when I feel asleep we were happy with each other. I kissed him goodnight and went to sleep, that is what I woke up to three hours later. The only time we EVER argue or fight is when he is drinking. I'm tired of the ups and downs, I'm tired of crying and feeling like I am a piece of trash to him. I hate that he has made me this hostile towards him when he drinks. I don't think I can give up on the person he is when he doesn't drink. He is the most caring and loving person I have ever met. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday we've talked about the kind of house we want to live in and the children we want to have. We were happy. Now the anger in him and the resentment in me have taken over. We love each other, I have no doubt that he loves me and I have no doubt that I love him. Alcohol has taken over our relationship and I don't know what to do.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, and here are a couple of suggestions: Read here as much as you can. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. The more you learn about alcoholism, the more you'll be able to see that his actions are just part of the pattern of behavior that is alcoholism. You'll also learn that there is not a single thing you can do to control it or cure it.

What you CAN do is to take care of yourself. I would strongly suggest you check into Alanon. Here's a link to help you find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Many of us here find Alanon to be a great source of support and education, especially when combined with this site.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and will not get better w/time, only worse. It will chip away at your self-esteem (and already has, in my opinion--a healthy relationship does not involve one partner spitting on another or suggesting that she sleep w/another man!) until you are equally as sick as he is.

Look at your BF for what he IS, for what he is showing you RIGHT NOW, not for some potential you believe he might have. This is the best it will ever be, as long as he keeps drinking. Remember, progressive...

Please keep reading and posting, and please get to Alanon sooner rather than later. You'll start to understand a LOT more as you educate yourself, and you'll start to realize what you need to do.

BoxinRotz

You can not help him. Only he can do that. This will get worse and may never get better. Do you really want to bring children into this? Buy a house so he can destroy it? Walk into a marriage where there is no trust? Be spat on even more? Clean up his financial mess due to him drinking? Pay the price for totaled vehicles because he needed to go on an alcohol run? Stare at $100,000 medical bills? Take care of him because he became incapacitated due to him drinking and driving? Visit him in prison because he killed someone?

If you stay, you will get to experience this in some way or form. Sounds pretty exciting huh?

BlueSkies1

Spit on you? SPIT on YOU?

Look in the mirror. That woman in the mirror needs to be your best friend in life, and look out for you more than anybody else, because nobody but her knows what makes you happy, makes you thrive, makes you balanced and knows your serenity.
Does that best friend deserve to be spit on? How low will she fall because of this loser? How low will he take her down? Is this how you envisioned your future man?
I know the answer to that last question and so do you.
Unacceptable is just that...unacceptable. And it's soooo hard when the unacceptable happens, isn't it? It puts us in a place where we either walk away, or start accepting the unacceptable AS now acceptable.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.
But you will never feel good, ever, guaranteed, about making the unacceptable somehow acceptable.

Kimmieh

I could have written your post almost verbatim, including the spitting. I stayed with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend for six years during which I totally lost myself. He is a lovely sweet man when he is sober. He adored me, only talked about me when he went out with his friends, told me how beautiful and smart he thought I am.

All the while I watched him sleep when he was wasted because I was afraid he would stop breathing. I cleaned up mattresses and carpets countless times after he peed himself while drunk. He also peed on me twice while sleeping. He brought strangers into my home, got wasted when my family (including two children with an alcoholic father and therefore traumatized enough) visited and so on and so on.

But worse yet, I turned from being an easy-going happy person to an anxiety-riddled mess. I nagged, controlled, yelled, and eventually I hit him (he called the cops on me once and I would have gotten arrested if he had given them the apartment number - I was terrified). The relationship turned me into a scared, angry, anxious, and violent person.

We recently ended it and I feel myself coming back. I feel so free. He is going into rehab, but it's too late for me now. My happy carefree self is coming up, I was able to quit my anxiety medication after taking it continuously for six years while with him.

Please don't stay as long as I did, especially if he is in denial. I love my ex with all my heart, but I cannot help him and I cannot be that person his alcoholism has turned me into.

funkynassau

I had an alkie friend who spat at two off duty police officers at our local pub. Yes he was plastered at the time. He's lucky he missed or he could have been in serious trouble. Nobody spits at anyone, ever. Even kids know better.

That was the beginning of the end for me, I have been no contact with him since June. Best thing I've done for myself in ages.

honeypig

Thanks for this post, kimmieh! It is so true--we fear losing our A's if we don't "stand by our man/woman", but if we DO stay w/no changes being made, then we lose ourselves.

Wanted to post a portion of the preamble that I hear read at Alanon meetings, as it seems to apply in so many ways. It goes like this (underlines are mine):

We who live, or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.

The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.

Isn't that just the way it is, especially that last part? There is not one "sick" partner and one "healthy" one; both are F'd up and need to get well again.

Lindseynicole89

I told my boyfriend today that I was going to start going to the Al-anon meetings. I hoped I'd be able to go tonight but I didn't get off work in time. Tomorrow I'm going to get a copy of the schedule for the meetings. I plan to hang it in plain view for him to see everyday. He didn't say much to me when I told him about the meetings, he did ask me why I was going, my response was that I'm going to fight for him until he decides to start fighting for himself. He didn't say anything but I think that I may a made a crack in his wall of denial. I may seem naive but I do still still believe in him and I am not giving up without a fight. I have faith that if I push with enough encouragement that he will start pushing too. I truly love him and I believe he is scared by the thought of admitting that he is an alcoholic but he is a very strong hardworking person so I do believe that once he faces that fear he will be able to work at it. I'm willing to risk a slap (virtual) in the face for him, if things don't start to turn around. I feel like I haven't given him the right support he needs and that is why I have chosen to go to the al-anon meetings.

honeypig

Lindsey, I'm glad to hear you're planning to go to Alanon meetings. However, I do want to mention that they are for YOU. If you go expecting to learn how to "fight for him until he decides to start fighting for himself", you will be disappointed. The person you will learn to fight for in Alanon is YOURSELF.

Your post is all about your BF and how you will make a "crack in his wall of denial" and "push with enough encouragement"; those are very worthy efforts to make, but HE has to make them, not YOU.

I really do hope you go to the meeting, just as I hope you'll take the time to educate yourself about alcoholism so you have a better understanding of what you are and aren't responsible for, what you can and cannot make happen. Things will become much clearer as you learn more.

Hope to see a post from you about how your first meeting went!

Lindseynicole89

Yes I understand that I will not be fighting for him but I will be helping myself and in turn I'm hoping that it leads him to fight for himself. So I do see it as fighting for him, because I wouldn't be going to the meetings in all honestly if it weren't because of him. I will deffinitly post about my first meeting. Thank you

Romans

I dated an alcoholic for four years and then married him. Everyone is right. You cannot fix him, ever. My alcoholic husband died quite a few years after our divorce. Our precious son is now an alcoholic. You are as addicted to him as he is to the alcohol. Please go to Al-anon and get counseling. You can still save yourself further pain. ((HUGS))

Lindseynicole89

I don't think that I am going to fix him, I am going to try to help him.
Last night was my wake up call. No I know I cannot live the rest of my life like this but, every thing that has happened in the past year and a half, has happened with both of us in denial. I accepted he had a problem but I never was proactive in trying to help him with the problem it was always pushed under the rug. I am a very strong willed, giant hearted person who is loved by many people, I have my own giant support group. He has me and that is it. I have not tried to help him only covered up for him. I am ready for the challenge of trying to help him, before I even think about walking away from him with that said I completely understand that I will not be able to help him until he is willing to help himself. My family is my anchor and if I start to drift away with this challenge, they will surely pull me back. Like I said before I may sound naive but I still have faith.

BoxinRotz

Prepare for the fight because he is going to dig in. You are about to go round and round with a DEMON that is bigger than you and him put together and every drink he takes will feed that DEMON.

Whether you are still with him or not, if he's not ready, he won't stop. It has NOTHING to do with you. You can throw books and literature at him all day long. Nothing will kill it off until he feels like alcohol is ruining his life. Rock bottom. Sometimes when you think they are there, they keep digging.

ZenMe

You may think your story is unique, but unfortunately most of us have been there and have said much of the same things you have said. You will find many of us want to save you pain and more importantly time.

I'm a guy btw. I have NEVER spit on a girl, EVER. If I did, to any of my gfs, they would kick me so fast out of their lives I wouldn't know what hit me. Maybe I could get one chance...After that it's over. And you say it has happened multiple times? ouch, I feel for you...That's what living with an alcoholic does, erodes your self esteem and your ability to stand up for yourself and not take the abuse.

I know you love him and their are wonderful times, but wrapped up in that beautiful package with the big bow and all there is abuse on the inside. Emotional abuse or physical abuse, it's all the same ABUSE. And no one deserves abuse.

No offense, but you don't really know what you are signing up for! So I would do some research first. If that's what you need to do to feel like you gave it your all fine...You are probably enabling him. I broke it off with my xagf at 2 years. Read up on the forums, these guys and gals have been through it all.

Unfortunately helping him, being his prison warden ("how many drinks tonight honey? remember you can't hang out with Brad anymore..."), being his support to pick him up when he's passed out, etc...being there for him is going to sink you in deeper, what's it going to take, if spitting doesn't cause you to drop him. You have a big heart I can tell...but alcoholism is a tragic, vindictive, seductive disease that takes hostages.

I encourage you to read up and please ask any questions.

PS. As to him not trusting you, alcoholics are liars, and generally insecure people. It's not a reflection on you, its him.

wpasierb

Hi Lindsey-I admire your determination with this. I know how much you love your boyfriend. My husband was a wonderful, kind, funny man...when he was sober. I loved him so much. I threatened, cried, begged and did everything I could to get him to stop drinking. He was such an ass when he was drunk. I think he probably spit on me a few times. It was a total battle of wills and ultimately he lost. He died from his alcoholism on November 4, 2011. That was the saddest day of my life and I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I loved him. I wish you the best.

trixie56

I can relate to wanting to be there for your ABF and hoping that things will get better. I'm sure there are times when things are great, and that is what you cling to. I could barely get through your entire post because I was so disgusted by your bf's behavior towards you...and I don't even know either of you! Despite all the good you see in him, the fact is, he is treating you like a total piece of s**t and will continue to treat you that way, no matter how hard you try to help him. Yes, some A's recover, but it is a long road if does ever happen...How much abuse are you willing to take?

Remember, the longer you stick around with him treating you this way, the more you will get accustomed to it. And that is very sad and not what you deserve. Every time he spits on you, swears at you, and otherwise disrespects you, he is showing you who he is and by sticking around you are showing him that you are ok with it. Doesn't sound like you are really ok with it though....Which is a good thing.

I also believed in my XABF and saw a good side of him that no one else probably did. I don't even think he saw it himself. There's nothing wrong with wanting a good life for you BF, but no one deserves this kind of treatment. He isn't worth your love and caring nature. Please don't be with someone who doesn't respect you nearly as much as you respect them. It really isn't fair to yourself and it is letting him get away with despicable treatment. I am sorry I let my XABF get away with similar treatment.

BlueSkies1

So you want to try and help him.
Commendable, heroic even.
Here's the thing. Ever heard the saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink?

I think you need to look at him objectively.

Does he even want help?
Is he unhappy with the way he is?
Or, does he say he is going to change, or is unhappy with himself, just to placate you?
Take a good honest objective look at him while you try to help him, and let it sink in just how much he wants your help, or even needs it!
If he wants to put down the bottle, does he really need any help outside of himself?
He's a grown man, not a baby that somebody else spiked the bottle of milk.

The gullible side to us all believes that they need our help.
As if they can't simply do it themselves.
As if there is any way to succeed at putting the bottle down besides doing it all by themselves.
There isn't...it's completely up to him, in his power alone, and you can only sit by helplessly and watch whatever decision he makes on any given day.
So do help...go ahead...in whatever way you imagine is helpful...
but if you are good to him, cause him no stress, help him with whatever in life that he wants help with and he STILL decides to drink that day, then you can see how you don't have the power to turn him away from alcohol.

It's good to see that you don't have that power. It helps YOU to understand that his drinking is out of your control, and that will help you to balance yourself.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

BeatleChick

My advice to anyone dating an alcoholic is to get out of that relationship.

You see the signs, you see the red flags. I saw them too and thought I was special enough to overcome a bad marriage. I'm not. Divorce is final soon.

My heart goes out to you because I know the pain and the "what ifs" all too well. Live in the moment. Ask yourself if this is what you want-- if this is what you are worth. I know I'm worth more. I know I want more...and after 6 years with this man, I know I won't get it from him.

I've been reading up on enabling, denial and emotional abuse. It's really helped me get a drip on my thought processes because my head KNOWS this is no good, but my heart hurts. It's not easy. I should have listened to my gut before creating a life with him and being tied legally to him. You have the option of leaving. Believe you're worth more.

Blessings.

trixie56

This is excellent advice. If you do decide to stay and 'help' and he seems to want to change, remember to listen more to what he DOES and not so much to what he SAYS. I made this mistake in round #2 with my XABF. He came back saying he changed, wanted to prove himself, wanted things to work out between us. etc. Things were wonderful until he started getting wasted and blowing off our plans, getting in bar fights, etc. and all the while STILL acting like what he was doing was ok, and I was just too needy. It didn't take more than two weeks for him to totally resent me and act like I was a total b***h.

I thought he wanted change. But really, he didn't. I believe he just wanted the relationship, and didn't think alcohol would be an issue. This would be where the addiction and denial part comes into play, but it's hard to recognize when you're in the situation, emotional, and not familiar with addiction. He said one thing, did another. He showed NO acknowledgement or sympathy. This was very hurtful and confusing. It damaged my self esteem and made me feel as though I was overreacting. I questioned all my instincts and, in the end, he just walked away from me as if I was a piece of garbage who meant nothing. He was not worth my time or my heart. Please don't put up with people who are careless with yours.

Beware of this, as this is also a pattern. It's so easy to fall into and is incredibly heartbreaking.

BeatleChick

Yes. Actions speak way more than words.

I've been living on words for far too long. I want action. He has yet to give action. So, it stops now.