It's so hard.
 

I've have many realizations in the last week and my bf has also been doing well. He went bike riding and supposedly to a meeting at 7:30 tonight. It's 10:30 and he's not home. I have a lump in my throat and feel sick. I'd love to go to bed but I can't. I'm not capable of having a relationship with an active alcoholic no matter how much work I do on myself. It's a dealbreaker for me. My mental health cannot withstand this anxiety.

I guess if he's out drinking tonight this is it. I won't watch him kill himself. No more empty promises. It is so heartbreaking but I'd rather be alone than in this dysfunction. He is a kind, intelligent, and talented person. We love each other so much. But he's sick. I can't go down with him.

It is hard. One of the hardest thing any of us have ever done. You are taking the first steps to taking care of yourself, ending the abuse and getting better. I don't think anyone can have a have a healthy relationship with an active alcoholic no matter how centered and "together" they are.

Just remember there is support out there, SR, al-anon, friends and more to help you through a tough time. It's worth it!

Thank you. It's so disappointing. When we met last December he was sober. We have so much in common and laugh a lot of the time. He gets me. I thought I had finally found love again. I know I'm going to be okay either way, but right now I am crushed and just so sad.

just post with Alanon and you will get help...

I feel like an idiot....he just called and had gone to a later meeting and sat around talking with some people afterward. I believe him. He's on his way home now. I had to get off the phone because I started crying. I guess it's going to take time to trust again.

For me it was the same, soo many things in common, insane physical attraction, best laughs, most wonderful times I have had ever, like 10 honeymoons in one. However the flip side of all that is real abuse, not being a priority (since alcohol and their selfish ways are more important), us not taking care of ourselves and all that.

It's really fun at first, but not sustainable. Once you take the rose colored glasses of it all collapses and erodes you even further. Get out while you can!

Readerbaby,

It doesn't matter what he was doing, or isn't doing. Pay attention to how it is making you feel... you were totally stressed out, posting on a forum and genuinely hurting...I don't know your situation but if you are in a relationship with active A, trust can not be rebuilt.

Take him out of the equation for a minute, how have you been doing, feeling, etc?

Looks like everything is okay for tonight

I just started going to alanon, and really like it. I am going to keep going. Right now I don't know how I feel. It's an emotional rollercoaster and I know I have a lot of my own personal growth to work on. Ugh.

I am in your boat in a way.

Just starting to recover. My husband (soon to be ex) is an alcoholic.

There is love, but there is no future.

Blessings.

RB, keep on going to Alanon.

You are NOT an idiot for wondering wtf he was doing when he was not home from a 7:30 meeting by 10:30! First of all, as you say, trust takes time to rebuild. Just b/c he SAYS he is doing so and so certainly doesn't mean it's true, based on past experiences, right?

Second, why the hell didn't he call you and tell you about this change in plans? Seems to me that would have been the responsible thing to do. So yeah, I wouldn't be so certain that just b/c he says he is not drinking, he really is not. This behavior is not right, to me.

Again, hang in w/Alanon and here. You are doing nothing wrong, and in your shoes, I would have felt exactly the same. It's hard, and while Alanon helps a lot, it surely doesn't end the pain.

Thanks, Honeypig. Even when sober, it doesn't occur to him to call or text and let me know what's going on. It's an issue and he knows that, so he's been getting better about it. Last night he was very apologetic and we went over it again. I told him I can't handle the anxiety and that it's going to take me a long, long time to trust him.

Ahhhh, what a process. Some days it seems worth it, others not so much. Just gotta keep plugging along. Have a good day!

This behavior isn't mature or considerate, and don't bend over backwards making excuses for him. One of the first things I learned to do here was not listen to what my AH said, but pay attention to what he did.

He said all the right things, had all the right stories. He apologized and nodded and laughed at the right times. But he still disappeared, still had weird explanations for why he couldn't call, was missing money, and still caused me so much grief that even when he was sober (or "sober?" -- I don't know anymore) I was a disaster because of the anxiety.

Are you willing to be in a relationship with someone who regularly disappears, doesn't come home when he is supposed to, and who always has some reasonable explanation why he can go off the map and not call or show his face to let you know plans changed, and imply that you're the unreasonable one for worrying?

You're not an idiot. It is hard.