BeatleChick

I am rather confused as I've never been to this site, and yet my email had been used and this user name was on it.

I am not a lover of a meth user.

I am a lover of an alcoholic.

I have been married for 4 years, with him for 6. We have 2 children (14 and 5 yo girls). We have a house and careers and 2 dogs. We have been separated for 9 months because he left me again...the first time being for 3 months in 2011.

Both time, his leaving me was because he wasn't happy. The first time I wasn't good enough. I got therapy for some big issues of my own and changed...he did not....I became a good person, and he still left. Said he never wanted this life. Never loved me.

He left in January of this year. He moved out in April. He's been sneaking his way back in for the past month and it's like I feel so out of control with saying NO. The guilt, the sadness...my need to want to help him...I have been GREAT on my own. Not one issue. My issues have to do with him. I am a strong person. I speak my mind and live my truth....unless it regards him.

He is 30, I am 37.

I don't drink more than 4 drinks a month...give or take.
He drinks about 8-10 beers a night (More on his days off). He's been drinking daily since he was 12. This has been our marriage. I don't even think he remembers our wedding.

I can't even put into words what I've live through over the past 6 years.

Lies, manipulation, blame, shadiness, sneakiness, hiding things, hiding alcohol, sneaking alcohol, being shut down and caged in by his emotional unavailability. Being laughed at when upset. Being used in the bed...it was always so rough...

Seeing his emptiness, KNOWING he had a horribly abusive childhood that he STILL won't get help for although he says he will call for therapy.

He's had NINE MONTHS to do something, finally gets going because the divorce is final next month. NOW he looooves me. Wants me. Started AA. Telling me all these WORDS. just WORDS.

We had a talk last Thursday and I thought we had a breakthrough. He dind't shut down and he was responding without being childish or making jokes. I laid EVERYTHING out on the table...good, bad or otherwise.

The next night, I couldn't get ahold of him. When he finally texted me, he was irritated that I was so "up in his shet". huh? I just asked what he was up to. Turns out, he was "having a going away party for his BOOZE!" his words, not mine.

Again, I came second.

I'm grateful he's out of the house.
HOwever, now the tears start. His remorse. His wants/needs. His timeline. And I give in because of guilt. I love this man, but i hate this disease.

I AM WORTH MORE.

Why do I let him suck me back in with empty promises and tears? Sweet words and lies that he doesn't know he's saying...

I just want it to stop. I wish he didn't have to see the kids.

While being separated, I have found myself again! ME! I have done SO MUCH WORK on being myself and my boundaries and my goals and living in the moment. Being Truth. Speaking Truth. Living my Truth.

Except now I find myself questioning. WHY does he care now?

What about when there were condoms in his wallet and he shrugged it off saying he still had all 3 and I saw them and BELIEVD he just bought them in anger one night.

What about the texting of women and hiding his phone that he then said was MY problem because I don't let him have friends.

What about being so drunk every night that he doesn't even remember conversations with me or the kids. I can't even TELL WHEN HE'S DRUNK!

What about laughing at me when I was confronting him about our marital problems...as he cracked an effing beer and that sound...omg that sound...

So many more issues. I can't even begin. So WHY does he have this hold on me? This is just.....if I was my own friend I would be saying RUN RUN!

And I can't. Wtf.

Hi, I'm losing my mind and I love an alcoholic.

DreamsofSerenity

I wish I knew what to tell you. I loved an A too.

Maybe you could try focusing on how much you love your kids instead of how much you love him. Would letting him back in your life be good for your girls? IMO, not at all. Try to stay strong for them. They don't need to live with an alcoholic or see their mother choose to do so.

That is very weird about your email address already being used for a meth lover! You can change your username by emailing an administrator if you want.

honeypig

I could almost never tell when my A was drunk either--for years and years before I even discovered his drinking.

Are you going to Alanon? I strongly suggest that, as it will help you take the focus off of HIM and put it back on YOU, which is where it belongs. He is not contributing ANYTHING positive to your life, and there is no point in giving him rent-free space in your head and heart.

Here's a link to help you find an Alanon meeting, and please do look into it sooner rather than later. Many of us here find a combination of SR and Alanon to be a real lifeline to sanity.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Also, the book "Codependent No More" is frequently recommended here. If you haven't read it, you might want to check your local library or bookstore. It's not difficult to find (which should tell you something about how common that problem is!).

Again, welcome, and as mentioned above, definitely contact an admin to get a different name and so on.

BoxinRotz

Guess what?

After reading your post, I feel like you love him and no matter what he does or says, he's always got a bed at home with MaMa n babies because they love me! I will lie, cheat and steal her love to keep that door open and I won't stop my bad behavior for anyone!

It was over the first time he left n showed you who he was. Then round 2, he's showing you the exact same person again. So what you need to do is show your daughters that when a man treats you like a POS, you show the MF'er the door! And while you're kicking his ass out because he can't find another d*ck warmer n thinks you will be that bitch... you tell him, YOUR FREE RIDE ON MY COAT TAIL IS OVER!!!

BoxinRotz

That Divorce Door is closing n he is throwing his foot in it. He thinks he can keep you strung along and playing his game. Tell him... Game Over.

You can love him but you don't need this. He is a bad example of a man, husband and father for your girls. They are watching.

HopefulinFLA

I am sorry you are going through this. I can feel your hurt and anguish in your words.

Re-read your post. How could anyone love someone who does this to them? Do you love the man you just wrote about, or the man you want him to be. Maybe it's something to ponder?

Are you involved with any kind of counseling or therapy?

Sending lots of love, and hope you get through all this soon.

GoingAlone2

He is a control freak & just wants to keep you in his game. The divorce would be him losing control & he doesn't like that. Focus on your girls. They are looking at your example as to how they let their future boyfriends & husbands treat them. I would keep him at a distance & tell him when he gets himself together, you can think about getting back together & have more communications. If it's too tempting to talk to him, then don't. Just tell him I'm working on myself, I can't talk to you right now. Don't listen to his words, look at the facts. Cheating behaviors, being disrespectful of you, drinking excessively, etc... Those are all major issues that don't just go away overnight.

BeatleChick

One, I don't like that language. Two, the first time he left was because of my verbal abuse WHICH I got therapy for, changed and he moved home. I dealt with my own issues. I worked on myself a TON. So...don't tell me things like you know the situation.

Three, you need to learn about compassion.

BeatleChick

I have all the papers ready to file tomorrow.

Looking into an al-anon meeting near me...not sure I want to do a study or what...? Confused on that.

Thanks for the words. Some things to ponder for sure.

I'm more than a d*ck warmer as some jerk pointed out. He has no home here, as he moved out 5 months ago and I haven't asked him back.

But...once the divorce is final, I'll feel better. Way better.

firebolt

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Alanon has helped me a lot. I am NOT a model for it - no sponsor, haven't done the steps, BUT it has given me some wonderful tools, and a lot of peace through my struggles.

I don't think Rotz meant anything mean or negative toward you by what she said. We are all so emotionally connected to these situations...and it shows in our posts.

Hang in there - we let them suck us back in because WE would do the things we say we are going to do, WE would act right, WE love like we should....so we expect the same from them. And they can't until they fix themselves. And we will fall for it until we start fixing ourselves.

Take care - we can ALL empathize with how you're feeling right now! (((HUGS))) I hope you get to some Alanon meetings, it does help - and keep posting here, it's been a lifesaver for me!

ClearLight

Love - Rotz language may have been rough but it had a lot of truth in it - particularly the point about your kids seeing what is going on.

You and that worthless lump of flesh are not the only people involved here.

You need to keep him away to protect your kids. They need to be as far away from him as possible.

If you love your kids he will be out of your life forever.

Sueski

Love, it's hard sometimes for posters to stay neutral, especially if another poster's situation "triggers" the writer. Everybody here has lived at least part of what you are going through. For sure, it is horrible and demoralizing. You sound like your head is on pretty straight, really. Your heart will follow eventually.

You are right about the words. His actions speak far louder than the words can. Funny how that happens. Keep taking care of yourself, okay?

Mountainmanbob

Admin can change your user name for you if requested

BeatleChick

I requested a change of name

Although I like people calling me Love Haha!

I know my girls watch. Right now they see their dad when he's here 2 times a week and he and I can get along. When he moved out, it was because I was tired of his behavior in the home and towards me and "us". He never drank in front of the kids (well not until the end) but he'd drink a LOT. I hadn't even looked at his drinking until a week ago. I was in HUGE denial. Huge. Then it was like WHOA. This is not ok. It's not right. This makes sense. I didn't feel crazy anymore.

He just admitted he has a problem last Monday....god knows what he'll do about it.

He and I aren't having sex. We haven't in months. I have some boundaries, I'm not a stupid woman.

I'm sure there is some truth to that poster's words. However, loving my spouse is not wrong. Getting sucked into a cycle and not realizing it until a week ago was not wrong. It happened. Now I want it to stop.

I had issues and worked them in therapy (saved my life probably). I've never had an addiction so I don't understand his. I just have to understand how I feel and how to get off the merry-go-round. I've been reading about a lot of things like denial, manipulation and emotional abuse and WOW it's our dynamics.

I'm trying to find the boundaries here. Trying to break the cycles. I found an al-anon meeting close to home...Tomorrow night.

I can't control the future. I can only control the moment. I try to live in the moment. It's much easier for me at this time.

Thank you for your kind words and points to think about.

My brain is processing so much. 2 weeks ago I was just a separated wife trying to see if things could be worked out with her husband because we were calm and open enough to talk. This week I realize I've been trying to 'reason' and 'connect' with a drunk for 6 years. LOL! Omg. It all makes sense now but is also very sad.

Mourning the loss of a marriage. Mourning so much...and trying to build up in the process.

BeatleChick

Forever? Wow. ok. Please explain what is so damaging since he doesn't drink around the kids and has moved out 5 months ago ...when he's here, it's all about the kids...

BoxinRotz

You did say he bought condoms, perhaps out of anger. So, he's obviously getting it when he's not trying to get back in with you. So my reference to being a d*ck warmer was in regards to him having sex with other women and when he can't find it elsewhere, he *tries* comes back to you.

My response was directly related to what you posted. Take what you want and leave the rest.

honeypig

Maybe this is what is so damaging to the kids, from your original post: What about being so drunk every night that he doesn't even remember conversations with me or the kids.

I see this A LOT on this forum--someone posts, terribly upset and hurt by what's going on with their A, and within a fairly short period of time they are now DEFENDING the very same person who sent them here in a ball of misery. None of us wants to hear what we're not ready to hear. It's a lot to process, no doubt. Your reality has changed radically and suddenly.

Take what you like and leave the rest, like they say in Alanon. You may find it unpleasant to hear what folks have to say--I certainly have, on occasion! However, the wisdom here is born of bitter experience, and if you can listen to it, it may save you a lot of pain later on.

Hoping you find some peace tonight.

BoxinRotz

The truth definitely hurts. I know I've licked a few wounds from the reality of it.

BeatleChick

Well, yes, that was when he was living here. Now he's here a couple nights a week...few hours. I'm here. Kids are here.

That was a reason I asked him to move out. He was not HERE when he was here. For years.