The very unsurprising fall from sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
The very unsurprising fall from sobriety
After five months sober, my AGF got drunk last night with friends. She says that she has it all under control now and she really doesn't feel like she's ever going back to drinking like she used to but she is going to start drinking again.
I said nothing about it. It's not my business anymore. I told myself when she stopped drinking that I would never go back to living the way we were and I meant it. I have enough cash to comfortably finish out this school year. Then I'll find work and go to school part time.
I have a question for those who've left--Did you wait til you had a place to stay to tell your A? Did you just let them know by leaving while they were at work or something?
I'm not really afraid of her physically (I should clarify, we're both women and I think I'm a bit stronger than her) but if she's been drinking she's unpredictable.
I said nothing about it. It's not my business anymore. I told myself when she stopped drinking that I would never go back to living the way we were and I meant it. I have enough cash to comfortably finish out this school year. Then I'll find work and go to school part time.
I have a question for those who've left--Did you wait til you had a place to stay to tell your A? Did you just let them know by leaving while they were at work or something?
I'm not really afraid of her physically (I should clarify, we're both women and I think I'm a bit stronger than her) but if she's been drinking she's unpredictable.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I say, get your ducks in a row n then tell her it isn't going to work.
She has forgotten how alcohol has affected her life. She has also forgotten the very reason why she quit. I don't blame you, as her partner, for wanting more than the alcohell lifestyle. Do what you have to do, even if it means uprooting your life.
Keep us posted as to how you are.
She has forgotten how alcohol has affected her life. She has also forgotten the very reason why she quit. I don't blame you, as her partner, for wanting more than the alcohell lifestyle. Do what you have to do, even if it means uprooting your life.
Keep us posted as to how you are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 18
She seems to have completely forgotten what alcoholism did to her. I think maybe I even started forgetting until I went back and read my previous posts on here.
Once I move into a new place I'm going to print out my posts and paste them up where I can see them so that I can remind myself everyday that I don't want to live like that again.
Once I move into a new place I'm going to print out my posts and paste them up where I can see them so that I can remind myself everyday that I don't want to live like that again.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I would get everything lined up first--so as to have a smooth transition. I would be honest and compassionate--though not long winded or get into a debate. You need to be humane (in my opinion)---just because she has a disease doesn't give you the right to be disrespectful or a jerk.
If safety is a factor---obviously, things have to be done a bit differently.
dandylion
If safety is a factor---obviously, things have to be done a bit differently.
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 121
Your post shows how clearly you are respecting your boundaries. Kudos to you, girl! I am holding to my boundaries and trusting my journey, confident that a great peace awaits whatever the outcome.
I am getting my ducks in a row as I cannot predict the future.
I am getting my ducks in a row as I cannot predict the future.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Papo79,
Tough decision I'm sure but way to go on breaking the cycle!
One thing I would suggest is to pick a public place to breakup at, and to set a time limit by having something else to do. For example you meet her at her work and go for a 15 minute walk where you HAVE to leave because you have class.
The reason for this is alcoholic gfs are really good at convincing you to stay, give it another go, not just their words, but their wonderful scent, smile, appeal, etc. For example, imagine you break it off at the house, the strong physical attraction takes over, you end up feeling emotional, have sex and then don't break it off.
Best of luck and post any more questions. Once again, cgrats, we all now have difficult it is.
Tough decision I'm sure but way to go on breaking the cycle!
One thing I would suggest is to pick a public place to breakup at, and to set a time limit by having something else to do. For example you meet her at her work and go for a 15 minute walk where you HAVE to leave because you have class.
The reason for this is alcoholic gfs are really good at convincing you to stay, give it another go, not just their words, but their wonderful scent, smile, appeal, etc. For example, imagine you break it off at the house, the strong physical attraction takes over, you end up feeling emotional, have sex and then don't break it off.
Best of luck and post any more questions. Once again, cgrats, we all now have difficult it is.
I'm just that girl
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: los angeles
Posts: 60
My heart goes out to you.
I am married to an alcoholic....for 4 years now. He drinks nightly...never could tell he was drunk. No emotions, nada. Emotionally unavailable and emotinonally abusive.
We separated in January and I made him move out in April. He's now admitting his issues (divorce is final soon) and I am here....scared and wondering if we should work it out or not.
But your situation is my greatest fear. He admits he is an alcoholic and then in the next breath talks about when he can drink socially again. He doesn't get it. And that solidifies my desire to divorce. If he recovers, who knows what the future holds. What I DO KNOW is that I won't be an alcoholic's wife any more. I DO KNOW that I won't enable him anymore or be there to save him. I'm out.
Blessings to you. It's hard and scary because we see who these people COULD BE. But I stopped living off words and promises. They mean nothing. Actions mean everything and his actions contradict his words.
For you, I'd say do what you feel is best FOR YOU. Asking my husband to move out was such a great relief. Sure, we talk and there's been times when he's at this house more than at his own, but...the tides are changing.
Love yourself.
I am married to an alcoholic....for 4 years now. He drinks nightly...never could tell he was drunk. No emotions, nada. Emotionally unavailable and emotinonally abusive.
We separated in January and I made him move out in April. He's now admitting his issues (divorce is final soon) and I am here....scared and wondering if we should work it out or not.
But your situation is my greatest fear. He admits he is an alcoholic and then in the next breath talks about when he can drink socially again. He doesn't get it. And that solidifies my desire to divorce. If he recovers, who knows what the future holds. What I DO KNOW is that I won't be an alcoholic's wife any more. I DO KNOW that I won't enable him anymore or be there to save him. I'm out.
Blessings to you. It's hard and scary because we see who these people COULD BE. But I stopped living off words and promises. They mean nothing. Actions mean everything and his actions contradict his words.
For you, I'd say do what you feel is best FOR YOU. Asking my husband to move out was such a great relief. Sure, we talk and there's been times when he's at this house more than at his own, but...the tides are changing.
Love yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Papo, my RAH says the "ism" in "alcoholism" stands for "Incredibly Short Memory"! Accurate, as a lot of A's as well as their partners seem to forget just how bad it was, and I am INCLUDING myself in that group for sure....
I also go back and read my old posts/threads here to remind me where I was and how much I don't want to go back there. It's new enough to me now that I often think "wow, THAT didn't used to happen" when I actually smile at him or something like that, but I fear that, as time goes by, I'll start to forget what it was like and fall back into my old habits. I'm working to prevent that.
Good for you about keeping your head screwed on and refusing to get back on the crazy train ride. You're right, it will be tough, but in the long run worth it. Hoping you find peace, clarity and joy going forward.
I also go back and read my old posts/threads here to remind me where I was and how much I don't want to go back there. It's new enough to me now that I often think "wow, THAT didn't used to happen" when I actually smile at him or something like that, but I fear that, as time goes by, I'll start to forget what it was like and fall back into my old habits. I'm working to prevent that.
Good for you about keeping your head screwed on and refusing to get back on the crazy train ride. You're right, it will be tough, but in the long run worth it. Hoping you find peace, clarity and joy going forward.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I would have your new life started before you say anything. Move in to wherever you are going without letting her know. As much as possible. Have everything lined up.
Then tell her in that public place. Then when you have told her leave! Don't linger, listen to pleas, arguments. Be prepared that she may do whatever she can think of to get you to stay.
The trick is, you have to be 100% clear that you are doing the right thing for you and that that's what matters here.
An alcoholic can be awfully crafty in keeping you engaged.
Good luck! You sound like you are well on your way to starting a better life for yourself!
Then tell her in that public place. Then when you have told her leave! Don't linger, listen to pleas, arguments. Be prepared that she may do whatever she can think of to get you to stay.
The trick is, you have to be 100% clear that you are doing the right thing for you and that that's what matters here.
An alcoholic can be awfully crafty in keeping you engaged.
Good luck! You sound like you are well on your way to starting a better life for yourself!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
I would get everything lined up before you tell her. Even the most sane people do insane things when they are upset. Personally, I would start organizing & moving things out slowly while your getting life lined up & then on "the day" move all the big stuff while she's at work. Nothing is worse than trying to move stuff & pack while the other person is watching & upset.
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