jessicajoe

I found SR 4 days ago and have been reading till my eyes are crossing. I don't know what to feel. Bar an hour speaking to my partner when he came home from work (or more honestly sitting in his company until he went to bed) I have mostly slept for the past 18 hours (I'm a five hours a night girl usually) I think I'm hiding in the sleep. I see a world of co dependency opening up around me and it almost makes me feel ill. Everything I thought I believed has changed (It doesn't affect us that much, he is never violent, he always makes it to work,He is always where he is meant to be etc.) I think I realize that he always calls when he is supposed to because I often pay his phone bill. He always makes it to work because I wake him every day and he doesn't start till 2pm. I'm crying because I think I have actively stopped us from reaching a place we may have otherwise reached years ago.
Then I think "that's ridiculous" the reason we have stayed together is because he is a kind loving man with a problem.
I don't know what to think and to be honest I'm a bit of a mess.

Meantime he has gone to bed clean and sober on night 5 for the first time in many years. He's going to notice soon that I'm not swinging from the rafters celebrating.
Why am I not?

Sueski

Because with an alcoholic, the other shoe always drops. Always.

I don't have much to offer in the way of wisdom here. I'm in the same boat. I try to not be too happy when my AH is himself for a day or two, but somehow I am still crushed when he gets lit yet again.

All I can say is keep educating yourself and taking care of yourself. I'm glad you found SR. It sorta becomes our addiction, doesn't it?

Hammer

I guess . . . Welcome Home.

First I would encourage you to be patient -- with yourself.

You are years into this, and your mind will take some time to sort things out.

[Side note to your brain] Good job on knocking jj out in a Sleep Coma. She may need that again from time-to-time.

Use some of those "take care of him" skills to take care of you.

petmagnet

Deep breaths, Take a long walk, do anything to regroup for a moment that YOU like on your own. I am no expert for sure. But I do know you need to take care of yourself at the moment as hammer stated. Your having growing pains. We all have them as we understand the implications of this disease. This is where you need the support of others and help in understanding that we take this one day at a time or become seriously overwhelmed. Find an Alanon meeting or start reading some books that will help you feel less crazy, and more in control of yourself at least. The realizations of this disease suck. I'm with you.

dandylion

JessicaJoe, I know that you are busy reading the "Stickies". May I also suggest that you read the book: "Co-dependent No More"? You can get it used on Amazon.com cheaply or borrow it from the l ibrary. You will notice this book is recommended over and over on this forum. It helped me tremendously.

He has been addicted for 30yrs--according to your previous post. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS--AND YOU CANNOT FIX IT. You have been at this with him for only 3yrs. Co-depends are famous for feeling that we can control and change anything--as long as we sacrifice enough and hope enough and love enough. It comes as quite a shock when we begin to find out that this is not true when it comes to addictions.

Please continue your learning. Knowledge is power. Knowledge will set you free.

dandylion

jessicajoe

Thank you all.
I'm reading and learning.
I will get there.

spiderqueen

I would like to add my welcome, jj.

My eyes opened wider and wider too, until I thought they would pop; once I started to accept the reality of the situation with my XABF. And I went into a weird, emotional and physical hibernation for a while as well (sleeping and all), to try and protect myself from the heartbreak.

Not to load too much more on you right now BUT: please understand that this affliction is progressive. Until and unless your partner seeks recovery, his abuse of alcohol and the ensuing consequences will only get worse.

Take care of yourself.

dancingnow

When we work on ourselves we realize we can't change the past and whatever was in the past was where we were and meant to be, good and bad. Today is a new day. What do you want for you today?

When my RAH first got sober and started changing his ways, I left it for his AA buddies to let him in on why I wasn't dancing and celebrating. After a year of being sober, I think he gets it. I like to celebrate special occasions not attempts at taking care of oneself. What about you, I'm sure there's a whole lot of celebrations you like to acknowledge and maybe seeing someone take care of themselves for a few days is not one of them.

When I think of my RAH as a kind loving man with a problem, he acts like a kind, loving man with a problem, except when he skips his meetings and stops working his program.

As Hammer said use some of your skills to take care of you. Maybe you need extra sleep, maybe you don't. If it is bothering you, what can you change about you?

(((HUGS))) Take care.

honeypig

JJT, it's a lot to take in when you first start to understand what's been going on. I know I felt (and still feel, sometimes!) like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and it was just crumbling back under me, little by little. It was a horrible feeling to just have my reality disintegrate. I can sympathize w/you 100%.

As others have already said, you may just need some extra sleep to help your body cope w/the huge load of stress that's been dumped on it. Again, as others said, be gentle w/yourself, take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally.

You are motivated to listen, you're reading, you're learning, you're open to the information shared by those who've walked the path before you--you are doing really great. Keep on, hang in, and take a moment to breathe. Maybe just take 10 minutes or so to do some quiet meditation (many nice guided meditations online) and make a little pool of peace for your heart and mind. You WILL find solid ground underfoot again; really you will.