Alcoholic sister with end stage liver disease
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Porto Alegre
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Alcoholic sister with end stage liver disease
I've been reading different posts and topics in here for a while. I have a question that has been eating me alive, and even though I do have my answer.. I'll ask it anyway.
The story goes like this: my 45 year old sister has end stage liver disease. She is an alcoholic and has also hep C. We've known for at least 15 years she has hep C, and, well, I've known she's an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. I'm younger, by the way (I'm 40). After a failed treatment for hep C (around 2000), things really started to get messed up in 2006, when she had her first serious complication (ascitis). She was married at the time, and her husband looked after her and her son (from a previous marriage; he is now 15 years old). The whole family sat down and had "the talk", which was all of us basically saying to her "stop drinking".
Well, after a few months of apparent sobriety, she started drinking again - not openly, but it was obvious. In 2009 her husband left, and it was when things went downhill fast.
She had esophageal bleeding at leats 8 times since then, and every time she almost died. Weeks in the ICU/hospital straight to drinking right after leaving the hospital. Each and every time she had one of those bleedings it was me and my husband who picked her up and took her to the hospital. My mother calls me like I'm in the ambulance business to go and do that.
She had something called TIPS put into her liver to control pressure or whatever, and things seemed stable for a few months - the idea was placing her in the transplant list.
But this year she's had 3 new episodes of bleeding, and something new: encephalopathy. She just started to act totally disoriented, and back to the hospital she was.
It happened only 5 days after she had left the hospital for bleeding treatment. And I found at leat 6 empty cans of beer in her apartment.
What was different about this last time was that I could see I had reached my limit. Not only with her, but with my mother. Something in me screamed NO, I'm not going to play a part in this farse for a minute longer.
A farse because she's a respected lawyer, and we have been lying to cover her tracks. A farse because it's not the hep C that is killing her, but alcoholism.
So, I told her that the only place I was driving her from the hospital was to rehab. And she agreed, after trying to manipulate me into believing those beers weren't hers and lots of bulls*** of the kind.
She stayed in rehab for 3 weeks, I went to visit her only once. And it wasn't a pleasant visit. She wanted to leave (after like.. 5 days?), and I couldn't listen to any of it. She said "I don't need to be here". And to my surprise I heard myself yelling: You know who doesnt' need to be here? At all? ME!
What I made clear during that visit was that she was there because she decided to, not because I commited her (like she was implying). Anyway. It was the last time we spoke. My mother has been "driving the ambulance" since that day.
My question to you all is this: am I some kind of monster for just wanting this to be over? For wanting her out of my life, even now that she seems open to treatment?
I don't buy it for a second, I just don't believe it until I see it. Am I wrong to just stop doing the martyr thing and refuse to go next time they call me to take her to the hospital? And refusing to contact her and pretend things are ok when this is anything but ok? I'm in a sort of moral dilemma here.
I'm so full of doubts because the whole "oh i have hep C" excuse gets to me sometimes. You know, the denial of the fact she is choosing to die a horrible death while her soon witnesses that.
I even envy her ex-husband, he managed to rebuild his life. I sometimes don't see that as an option for me. And trust me, since 2009 it's been hell for me. The phone rings and my heart races. I got to a point I don't even think of her misery, I think oh no, I'll have to stay awake all night and miss work/be a zombie for a couple of days/weeks. It's no fun. I work 3 jobs and am taking my PhD.
My plan is: when she drinks again, and I'm sorry to say she will most likely drink again, I'll get my nephew and bring him to live with me. At least he won't have to wake up one day and find his mother dead.
But I don't intend to let this drama into my life anymore. I am SO fed up. I worry my nephew might resent my decisions in the future though.
Thank you for listening, and I'm sorry about any grammar mistakes (English is my second language).
The story goes like this: my 45 year old sister has end stage liver disease. She is an alcoholic and has also hep C. We've known for at least 15 years she has hep C, and, well, I've known she's an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. I'm younger, by the way (I'm 40). After a failed treatment for hep C (around 2000), things really started to get messed up in 2006, when she had her first serious complication (ascitis). She was married at the time, and her husband looked after her and her son (from a previous marriage; he is now 15 years old). The whole family sat down and had "the talk", which was all of us basically saying to her "stop drinking".
Well, after a few months of apparent sobriety, she started drinking again - not openly, but it was obvious. In 2009 her husband left, and it was when things went downhill fast.
She had esophageal bleeding at leats 8 times since then, and every time she almost died. Weeks in the ICU/hospital straight to drinking right after leaving the hospital. Each and every time she had one of those bleedings it was me and my husband who picked her up and took her to the hospital. My mother calls me like I'm in the ambulance business to go and do that.
She had something called TIPS put into her liver to control pressure or whatever, and things seemed stable for a few months - the idea was placing her in the transplant list.
But this year she's had 3 new episodes of bleeding, and something new: encephalopathy. She just started to act totally disoriented, and back to the hospital she was.
It happened only 5 days after she had left the hospital for bleeding treatment. And I found at leat 6 empty cans of beer in her apartment.
What was different about this last time was that I could see I had reached my limit. Not only with her, but with my mother. Something in me screamed NO, I'm not going to play a part in this farse for a minute longer.
A farse because she's a respected lawyer, and we have been lying to cover her tracks. A farse because it's not the hep C that is killing her, but alcoholism.
So, I told her that the only place I was driving her from the hospital was to rehab. And she agreed, after trying to manipulate me into believing those beers weren't hers and lots of bulls*** of the kind.
She stayed in rehab for 3 weeks, I went to visit her only once. And it wasn't a pleasant visit. She wanted to leave (after like.. 5 days?), and I couldn't listen to any of it. She said "I don't need to be here". And to my surprise I heard myself yelling: You know who doesnt' need to be here? At all? ME!
What I made clear during that visit was that she was there because she decided to, not because I commited her (like she was implying). Anyway. It was the last time we spoke. My mother has been "driving the ambulance" since that day.
My question to you all is this: am I some kind of monster for just wanting this to be over? For wanting her out of my life, even now that she seems open to treatment?
I don't buy it for a second, I just don't believe it until I see it. Am I wrong to just stop doing the martyr thing and refuse to go next time they call me to take her to the hospital? And refusing to contact her and pretend things are ok when this is anything but ok? I'm in a sort of moral dilemma here.
I'm so full of doubts because the whole "oh i have hep C" excuse gets to me sometimes. You know, the denial of the fact she is choosing to die a horrible death while her soon witnesses that.
I even envy her ex-husband, he managed to rebuild his life. I sometimes don't see that as an option for me. And trust me, since 2009 it's been hell for me. The phone rings and my heart races. I got to a point I don't even think of her misery, I think oh no, I'll have to stay awake all night and miss work/be a zombie for a couple of days/weeks. It's no fun. I work 3 jobs and am taking my PhD.
My plan is: when she drinks again, and I'm sorry to say she will most likely drink again, I'll get my nephew and bring him to live with me. At least he won't have to wake up one day and find his mother dead.
But I don't intend to let this drama into my life anymore. I am SO fed up. I worry my nephew might resent my decisions in the future though.
Thank you for listening, and I'm sorry about any grammar mistakes (English is my second language).
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Biancapf - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.
No, you are not a monster for the thoughts you are having. You're human and it sounds as if you've had enough of trying to help someone who doesn't act like she wants help.
Oh, and your English is great!! Personally, I think your plan is a good one, but I don't know about your nephew - it's hard to know how a teenager is going to feel over anything, but I'm sure many other family members will chime in.
You have a lot on your plate with 3 jobs and school, so please do take care of you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
No, you are not a monster for the thoughts you are having. You're human and it sounds as if you've had enough of trying to help someone who doesn't act like she wants help.
Oh, and your English is great!! Personally, I think your plan is a good one, but I don't know about your nephew - it's hard to know how a teenager is going to feel over anything, but I'm sure many other family members will chime in.
You have a lot on your plate with 3 jobs and school, so please do take care of you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Sometimes you have to get off that crazy train....even if it's just for your own sanity...you are no monster at all....you are just at your own breaking point and I am quite sure your mother knows this and that's why she is not badgering you to continue to drive your sis to the hospital....just do what you can when you can even it means just caring for your nephew....poor lad. Stay strong and welcome here to sober recovery.
Janitw
Janitw
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Porto Alegre
Posts: 18
Thank you Impurrfect and Janitw. Like I said, I asked the question knowing the answer... but it's still something I need to hear.
I read a lot of threads made by wives and husbands of alcoholics here, and I can totally see how the madness entangles you until you can't think of anything else. I don't live with my sister and it's happening to me, and it has been for two decades! I can only imagine what my ex-brother in law went through.
Insanity is contagious, that I do know. When she had the ascitis, I thought to myself: well, that's it, now she will stop! And when she didn't, it was shocking to me. After the first bleeding, the same hope again: oh, she will stop after this! It's too horrifying, she won't put herself through this again. But she did, and many many times over.
Now I'm preparing for her death, I'm trying to accept that this is how she wants to die, that it's up to her. I won't be a part of it anymore though. And that's my decision.
I read a lot of threads made by wives and husbands of alcoholics here, and I can totally see how the madness entangles you until you can't think of anything else. I don't live with my sister and it's happening to me, and it has been for two decades! I can only imagine what my ex-brother in law went through.
Insanity is contagious, that I do know. When she had the ascitis, I thought to myself: well, that's it, now she will stop! And when she didn't, it was shocking to me. After the first bleeding, the same hope again: oh, she will stop after this! It's too horrifying, she won't put herself through this again. But she did, and many many times over.
Now I'm preparing for her death, I'm trying to accept that this is how she wants to die, that it's up to her. I won't be a part of it anymore though. And that's my decision.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Bianca,
Your first responsibility is to maintain your own physical and mental health. No one can do this for you. It is the same logic as used in the typical pre-flight safety message about oxygen masks on a commercial flight: put your own mask on before trying to help others. If you don't, you are likely going to pass out while trying to put the mask on someone who is unable to do so for themselves, and you will both perish.
Your sister is responsible for her own health. The day she learned she had hepatitis, she was responsible for taking extra care of her liver. Drinking is obviously not good for her liver, and despite all the medical complications that have occurred as the result of her not taking care of herself, she continued to drink. Rehab, AA, and other means of getting and staying sober are not new - she is as aware of them as you are. For whatever reason, she chose to drink instead. The responsibility for the consequences of that choice is hers and hers alone.
Regarding your nephew, 15 is old enough to have a sense of what one wants and needs in life. You could approach him and say something along the lines of "I know that things have been very difficult with your mom and her health. If you ever want or need it, you are welcome to come live with me until things stabilize with your mom." Let him make the choice, and let him know he is not alone.
Above all, please take care of yourself. Life is fragile and precious.
Your first responsibility is to maintain your own physical and mental health. No one can do this for you. It is the same logic as used in the typical pre-flight safety message about oxygen masks on a commercial flight: put your own mask on before trying to help others. If you don't, you are likely going to pass out while trying to put the mask on someone who is unable to do so for themselves, and you will both perish.
Your sister is responsible for her own health. The day she learned she had hepatitis, she was responsible for taking extra care of her liver. Drinking is obviously not good for her liver, and despite all the medical complications that have occurred as the result of her not taking care of herself, she continued to drink. Rehab, AA, and other means of getting and staying sober are not new - she is as aware of them as you are. For whatever reason, she chose to drink instead. The responsibility for the consequences of that choice is hers and hers alone.
Regarding your nephew, 15 is old enough to have a sense of what one wants and needs in life. You could approach him and say something along the lines of "I know that things have been very difficult with your mom and her health. If you ever want or need it, you are welcome to come live with me until things stabilize with your mom." Let him make the choice, and let him know he is not alone.
Above all, please take care of yourself. Life is fragile and precious.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
As an alcoholic who abused my family for years, I can only tell you that it wasnt until everyone threw up their hands and gave up on me that I got help and got sober. As long as I saw a crack in their armour, I would keep drinking, keep manipulating, keep lying and keep making everyone miserable.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Your sister is a big girl. I applaud your efforts at drawing boundaries, that is a very healthy choice, and the only one you have left if you want to maintain your sanity. You have gone above and beyond for her.
I'm an alcoholic. It bugs me to hear that she is playing the victim role, don't buy into it. The woes me I am in rehab for you.....not cool. She is not doing you any favors. It doesn't sound like she has ever done you any favors. You are entitled to be happy and doing so sounds like it means taking yourself out of the lineup of people that are at her beck and call.
It is not an alcoholic's fault that they have a disease. However, it is their responsibility that they do something about it. You are not selfish at all for saying "enough". You are sane and you are realistic. I hope you find some comfort here, there are a lot of kind and supportive people who have walked in your shoes.
I'm an alcoholic. It bugs me to hear that she is playing the victim role, don't buy into it. The woes me I am in rehab for you.....not cool. She is not doing you any favors. It doesn't sound like she has ever done you any favors. You are entitled to be happy and doing so sounds like it means taking yourself out of the lineup of people that are at her beck and call.
It is not an alcoholic's fault that they have a disease. However, it is their responsibility that they do something about it. You are not selfish at all for saying "enough". You are sane and you are realistic. I hope you find some comfort here, there are a lot of kind and supportive people who have walked in your shoes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Porto Alegre
Posts: 18
Thank you Eddiebuckle, longbeachone and jaynie04 for your words.
Reading your replies and other posts has been really helpful.
The situation gets so insane sometimes, I get so confused about my options and my choices.
I've been calling it a farse lately, because that's exactly what it is. It's way, way beyond denial.
A couple of days ago I talked to one of her co-workers, and another mask fell. From what this woman told me, my sister has been a problem in the office, and an old one - in 2003 they were already having problems with her drinking. But to us, to the family, she pictures herself as a competent lawyer (high functioning etc etc blah de blah de blah). Lies, fantasies, delusions, I don't even know.
To the psychiatrist she said she drinks two cans of beer at night, before bed, because she has trouble sleeping. She said she didn't belong there (in rehab), and being among "crazy people" wasn't helping her. I mean... really? How sane does she think she is?
And, of course, she has an excuse for every symptom, ALL of which are non-related to alcohol.
I'm done with playing a part in this farse.
Reading your replies and other posts has been really helpful.
The situation gets so insane sometimes, I get so confused about my options and my choices.
I've been calling it a farse lately, because that's exactly what it is. It's way, way beyond denial.
A couple of days ago I talked to one of her co-workers, and another mask fell. From what this woman told me, my sister has been a problem in the office, and an old one - in 2003 they were already having problems with her drinking. But to us, to the family, she pictures herself as a competent lawyer (high functioning etc etc blah de blah de blah). Lies, fantasies, delusions, I don't even know.
To the psychiatrist she said she drinks two cans of beer at night, before bed, because she has trouble sleeping. She said she didn't belong there (in rehab), and being among "crazy people" wasn't helping her. I mean... really? How sane does she think she is?
And, of course, she has an excuse for every symptom, ALL of which are non-related to alcohol.
I'm done with playing a part in this farse.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Porto Alegre
Posts: 18
A little update.
Like I said, she left rehab last week. On Wednesday, to be precise. Yesterday (Sunday) a friend found beers hidden in her closet. Cliche much?
Next step will be taking my nephew from her, and enduring the drama for, well, some time.
I remember thinking about this moment five years or so ago, desperately hoping it wouldn't get to this. But here we are.
So sad and devastating :/
Like I said, she left rehab last week. On Wednesday, to be precise. Yesterday (Sunday) a friend found beers hidden in her closet. Cliche much?
Next step will be taking my nephew from her, and enduring the drama for, well, some time.
I remember thinking about this moment five years or so ago, desperately hoping it wouldn't get to this. But here we are.
So sad and devastating :/
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