Al-Anon Meetings.. Secret or not?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Al-Anon Meetings.. Secret or not?
So many of you have suggested I attend Al-Anon Meetings. I think this might really help me. Do you secretly attend these meeting or does your AH/AW know? My AH doesn't think he has a problem like that & would be completely against me going. I would call almost a case of beer a night a problem. How do you hide it from them or tell them?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Do you normally tell him everything you do and every place you go?
You can always just say you're meeting some friends for conversation (true). Or tell him that you are going because his drinking bothers you. It isn't about him, it's about you. He can be as "against" it as he wants to be. This can be a good place to start working on boundaries. He does what he wants to, so far as his drinking goes, and you do what you want to do, so far as his drinking affects your life.
You can always just say you're meeting some friends for conversation (true). Or tell him that you are going because his drinking bothers you. It isn't about him, it's about you. He can be as "against" it as he wants to be. This can be a good place to start working on boundaries. He does what he wants to, so far as his drinking goes, and you do what you want to do, so far as his drinking affects your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I think it depends on your individual situation. My AH has a general knowledge that I am somehow involved in Al Anon, but he has no idea when I attend meetings (or even IF I attend meetings). We do not discuss it, because he gets very combative about it. Because I work an Al Anon program for ME (and not for him), I have no problem just going about my business and not discussing it with him. To do so disrupts my serenity.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Mrs. Hammer had a HUGE problem with our daughter going to Alanon.
Started with -- the Alcoholics would rape our daughter.
Went through that since Mrs. Hammer was not passing out drunk on the floor, daughter did not need to go.
There are “baaaaddd” kids at Alateen (for anyone following along – they are great kids),
On and on and on.
Ended near midnight with Mrs. Hammer screaming at me that my Therapist (from 14 years ago) . . . Was sucking my d1ck.
I had never thought of my T in any sexual way, and my mental visual on that was pretty funny.
At that point I had to bury my face in the pillow to keep from laughing.
I told her Mrs. Hammer she was being Verbally Abusive, and I was going to sleep.
Yeah, cannot make this crap up.
------------------------------
Since then I have had near weekly bouts of various matters -- including that I am now exercising and taking good care of myself because . .. (drum roll, please, open the Brain Damaged A thinking envelope) . . . I am only doing that to make Mrs. Hammer jealous. Heard that again about a week ago from her (fairly messed) sponsor, of all people.
And as of last night I arrive home to be told that . . . . Me going to church is embarrassing for Her. I guess my behavior is not matching her Drama Lies very well, and folks are starting to ask her?
Had No Idea that me getting well could be So Terribly Hard on Her.
(Always All About the A, right?)
Here is really all you need to know -- Just keep your mouth shut and go.
Tell -- Do not Tell -- Cover -- Accommodate -- or anything else -- None of that or any of this will keep your Nutty A from going Nutty. You / we / I do not control THAT side of the street. Thank God. Scary Neighborhood over there.
A few weeks ago, I came home from Church and an Open AA meeting, and Mrs. Hammer and one of her Gossip Girl friends (some half-assed AA-ers she hangs out with), were figuring they should put a Private Investigator or some "Cheaters" show after me, because . . . well . . . actually I have NO idea what their figuring is. Maybe they are thinking that if they are not going to take their program(s) seriously and get well, no one else should/would or could either.
Overall, do not try to make sense of A Thinking. Not much sense to be found there, anyway.
You going to Alanon is NOT between you and Mr. A, or anyone else. Alanon, Church and all the rest is for You and Me and Us, and is between You and God. Not You and the A.
====================
Time for some Mo’ T . . . sing it Sister, er ah, Mother . . . .
-----------------------
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa
Started with -- the Alcoholics would rape our daughter.
Went through that since Mrs. Hammer was not passing out drunk on the floor, daughter did not need to go.
There are “baaaaddd” kids at Alateen (for anyone following along – they are great kids),
On and on and on.
Ended near midnight with Mrs. Hammer screaming at me that my Therapist (from 14 years ago) . . . Was sucking my d1ck.
I had never thought of my T in any sexual way, and my mental visual on that was pretty funny.
At that point I had to bury my face in the pillow to keep from laughing.
I told her Mrs. Hammer she was being Verbally Abusive, and I was going to sleep.
Yeah, cannot make this crap up.
------------------------------
Since then I have had near weekly bouts of various matters -- including that I am now exercising and taking good care of myself because . .. (drum roll, please, open the Brain Damaged A thinking envelope) . . . I am only doing that to make Mrs. Hammer jealous. Heard that again about a week ago from her (fairly messed) sponsor, of all people.
And as of last night I arrive home to be told that . . . . Me going to church is embarrassing for Her. I guess my behavior is not matching her Drama Lies very well, and folks are starting to ask her?
Had No Idea that me getting well could be So Terribly Hard on Her.
(Always All About the A, right?)
Here is really all you need to know -- Just keep your mouth shut and go.
Tell -- Do not Tell -- Cover -- Accommodate -- or anything else -- None of that or any of this will keep your Nutty A from going Nutty. You / we / I do not control THAT side of the street. Thank God. Scary Neighborhood over there.
A few weeks ago, I came home from Church and an Open AA meeting, and Mrs. Hammer and one of her Gossip Girl friends (some half-assed AA-ers she hangs out with), were figuring they should put a Private Investigator or some "Cheaters" show after me, because . . . well . . . actually I have NO idea what their figuring is. Maybe they are thinking that if they are not going to take their program(s) seriously and get well, no one else should/would or could either.
Overall, do not try to make sense of A Thinking. Not much sense to be found there, anyway.
You going to Alanon is NOT between you and Mr. A, or anyone else. Alanon, Church and all the rest is for You and Me and Us, and is between You and God. Not You and the A.
====================
Time for some Mo’ T . . . sing it Sister, er ah, Mother . . . .
-----------------------
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
-this version is credited to Mother Teresa
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
I didn't say at the start where I was going and he didn't ask he was still drinking then. One day a good few months in my mum was going to mind kids for me as I really needed a meeting he asked why my mum was coming I told the truth, his jaw hit the floor. A few days later he asked me about it I chatted some. He said he might give AA another go I said whatever up to him, alanon was for me. He did go back to AA a lot later. He has 9 months now. Alanon is for me and my business. I never lied about it but didn't offer the information up until asked. I am so glad I go to meetings I found sanity again there and they keep me sane. My mum once said you are giving him good example and maybe he'll follow your lead and I replied that this is for me and my recovery it's not about him. I hope you get to many meetings and find the sanity and support that is there.
Best wishes
Best wishes
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I have never kept it a secret that I attend Al Anon but the A I was in a relationship with when I first started attending would often say to me if we argued 'Don't feed me that Al Anon crap'.
I have had friends tho over the years who haven't told their partners and probably with good cause as it can just become more bullets in the gun.
I have had friends tho over the years who haven't told their partners and probably with good cause as it can just become more bullets in the gun.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
In my case I wish I never told my AW although she would probaly think something was up cause other than work I never leave the house {trying to control the alcohol consumption },,anyway now its I am probaly meeting someone over there,,or I am only telling them my side of the story.Tried to tell her it was not about her, ,not telling any side of the story.Well it got so bad I stopped going,,really need to get back though,,it gave me at least an hour of peace.Good Luck!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear GoingAlone2, may I ask---do you think that he would just be angry--or do you fear that he wold become abusive and punitive, or even violent, if he were to find out?
I think it makes a difference in how you handle this question. If he just gets angry and says stupid things--not a problem! This is to be expected--and he can stay mad until he gets glad!!!! Alanon is for you.
If you fear abuse or punishment or retaliation, in some way--this is a horse of another color. Your situation would need much more support.
If you don't feel comfortable answering this question openly--you can feel free to PM me --(private message).
very sincerely,
dandylion
I think it makes a difference in how you handle this question. If he just gets angry and says stupid things--not a problem! This is to be expected--and he can stay mad until he gets glad!!!! Alanon is for you.
If you fear abuse or punishment or retaliation, in some way--this is a horse of another color. Your situation would need much more support.
If you don't feel comfortable answering this question openly--you can feel free to PM me --(private message).
very sincerely,
dandylion
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