readerbaby71

I went to a meeting for the first time the other night and they suggested I go to a newcomer's meeting a few times. The one tonight isn't very close to where I live but I figure it's worth the drive. There's a regular meeting within walking distance on Sunday nights so that will be my go-to. My BF also goes to an AA meeting Sunday nights so it feels good to know we're both working on ourselves at that time.

Right now I'm feeling numb and kind of torn about whether I want to break it off. I'm going to give it a few weeks and see how things go. I am just so grateful that the people here and that first alanon meeting gave me a different perspective. I now realize that I have no control whatsoever over his actions. I didn't consider myself a controlling person until I saw that that's what I've been trying to do because I thought it would help him.

I have detached and am of course being kind and telling him I love him because I truly do. I haven't been sleeping in the same bed for a couple of nights because I just want to be comfortable and get a good night's sleep so I am well rested for work. I am doing whatever I need to do to take care of me. I know it's upsetting him so last night I told him that I'm not angry, I just need some space. I am not trying to punish him or emotionally manipulate him. It's what I need to do right now. Period. I'm not going to do things to make him feel better anymore because it doesn't work anyway.

I told him the other night that his struggle with drinking is just that--HIS struggle, and although I love and support him I am going to detach myself from this issue. Hopefully his therapist will give him some insight today.

I just don't know if I want to struggle with this forever. I have had my own issues (I'm bipolar and used to abuse drugs and alcohol) and it is extremely important for me to protect my mental health. But at the same time when it's good it's very very good. Even when he drinks he's a very passive, kind and gentle person. He is moody but so am I so I can ignore that.

I'm kind of just spouting off here. The insights I've gained just from coming to this board are invaluable.

readerbaby71

Yay, just found a closer meeting tomorrow at 9:45 am. When I went to Women for Sobriety years ago my meetings were on Saturday mornings and I loved starting the weekend that way.

And thanks to all for your your kind words and insight.

Sueski

Isn't it a painful realization when you come to understand that helping really IS controlling?

Good for you for taking care of yourself. The rest, you will sort out.

JustanotherWOA

Sounds like you have a really healthy perspective on things.

Like you, I worry about what the future holds sometimes. Recently, I came across a slogan used by one of our local telephone providers "the future is friendly". I am trying to make this my new mantra. It feels a lot better than living in fear of what the future may or may not hold.

Good luck to you.

Hammer

Those back to back AA / Alanon meetings . . . I see all the long-timer couples do that.

lizw

One of the things I have always appreciated about al anon is no one told me I should leave my XA which sort of surprised me as friends and family had always told me to leave the current A whenever I experienced problems then I would feel guilt and judged when I couldn't.

I think most people in al anon like me (these days) see the problem being I use to choose abusive alcoholic men rather than the fact I kept having 'bad luck' in my choosing.

It sounds like you are doing great things for urself. Keep it up. : )