I bit the hook again
 

I tried so hard not to react, but he got to me. ARG! I've been doing so much better with that, but when he said I had the hots for his disgusting cousin and was "all over him like stink on s***" at their grandma's funeral, I just couldn't stop from reacting. Ugh. I am so frustrated right now.

I keep expecting him to react like a normal person. Stupid stupid stupid. Can't tell if he's passed out sitting up, or just sulking.

This is getting old. I wish he would either be this guy or be himself. He was great for the last week. I miss him.

I'm sorry that happened, Sueski. You know he's just baiting you so he can blame you for his drinking, right?

Maybe practice for next time.

"Well, it's not true, but I can't keep you from thinking that. So, how was your day?"
"*chuckle* I'm afraid you really have it all wrong. Your cousin just isn't my type. Now your friend _________, well, that's another story!"
"Oh? Well, thank you for letting me know how you feel."

Yeah, it just gave him an excuse to be angry and feel like a victim. I just hate it when he tells me how I felt or what I thought. Drives me nuts, in fact. I really need to work on that some more, huh? His opinion is not my business. I did try to change the subject but too late. Really, he is like a dog on a bone with whatever he has on his mind. When I tell him what my feelings are, he says I am saying that his feelings don't count. Ugggggggggg.

Good suggestions, thank you. I think I will try the "oh? Well, thank you..." one next time.

Oh, I know it can be sooooo frustrating. There really is no way to 'convince' him he's wrong. You are trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational active alcoholic. There is no way that can happen.

One of the other Mods here has a great saying in her signature line, and it took me a while to appreciate it. It says "What other people think of me is none of my business." Remember, he can say or think whatever he wants, but it doesn't make it true :)

AH decided that my worn out jeans, that were totally cool when I was with him on the bike n elsewhere, were now a problem yesterday. These jeans are just too comfy to give up. Yes, they have holes but my unmentionables are covered!!! He freaked when I decided to wear them to the bow shop n said I was looking for more than a bow if you get my drift... I looked at that drunk fool n told him, Don't ruin your buzz picking a fight with me!!! I'm not listening to your nonsense so cut the shìt now! He walked away from me n I went to have my bow fixed.

Not getting hooked takes practice. I still don't have it down 100%. But I like the other responses...just agree with him! ; ) Good ones!

So sorry. The alcohol was talking, if that helps to make it any better. You're not alone. They can be absolutely brutal with their words and actions.

Personally I have struggled a lot with this ^^^^.

I don't mean you should believe or take to heart anything he says while drunk. But last time I checked, alcohol can't talk. Just sayin'.

Another thing I realized at some point with my XABF was that he would have NEVER tolerated it, or ever let me forget it, if crap like that was coming out of MY mouth, drunk or not. (I never drink, BTW.)

Sorry you have to deal with this.
SQ

Sueski--old habits die hard--trust me, I know, because, while still living with my A's I stupidly bit the hook so many times---before I understood what was really happening!!

They know where your hot spots are--better than you! They can say--and, often do, the most cruel and abusive things. The pain that they cause does not matter to them with their addled minds.

You should'nt have to live with this kind of crap! Everyone deserves to live a peaceful life.

dandylion

Here is what I do (I set this as my goal and so far it helps). No matter what he tells you, keep telling yourself "I will not fight, he wants it, he wants me to scream," then focus on your breathing and stay calm. Try to visualize that you are a rock or that you were made of air, so his words cannot penetrate or they just go through you. Just tell him "I'm sorry, but I think that you are wrong," and walk away. Do something that he does not expect you to do (for example, I just took my keys and told my husband "I'm going for a walk. I'll be back in an hour. Bye.").

It's funny, I don't think he actually wants to fight. I think he wants to feel like a victim or to feel morally superior. He kept saying that "he didn't care if I was ***** for his ******* cousin," like he was being generous with me. And I got SO mad... not good.

It doesn't matter whether he thinks he is on the high road. I just have to remember that in the heat of the moment. As Dandylion (btw, I LOVE dandelions. They are both tough and beautiful. I love their determination to exist.) said, he does know where my hot spots are. And Spiderqueen, you are so right about the hypocrisy.

As crappy as this is - and I fully recognize that I am choosing it, just haven't quite figured out WHY - I think I'll end up a healthier and more whole person if I keep working these issues. It brings up a great deal of FOO stuff that I would have buried forever without this. It is tricky walking the line between learning and growing from the challenges, and being crushed by them. Thank you all for walking with me.

My husband has the same hook. He likes to imply that I'm doing something I shouldn't or seeing someone else. I haven't figured out the right "escape line" yet. If I shut him down & won't talk about it, then I'm covering something up. If I do talk about it, then I'm drawn into hours of draining emotional talk over something stupid that he won't even remember tomorrow. For now, the only somewhat safe escape I've found is to brush it off with a quick comment & then pretend I'm using the bathroom, putting kids to bed, etc.. until he gets distracted.

The "other guy" routine used to hook me every time. I would get incensed at the notion that I was "behaving inappropriately" around other men and therefore teetering on the edge of cheating in his mind. Ppfft. what a crock of hooey!

Being nice to a man other than my husband doesn't make me a floozy. It makes me a human being! And these issues weren't mine, they were his. His insecurities and distorted thinking. His need to be "right" and "justified". It made his behavior ok in his mind...stalking me and hacking my email accounts and reading my mail and checking my phone logs and text messages. It was his way of rationalizing his own paranoia.

Yes, I could say ignore it. But I also know how it feels to be accused of something that violates my values in a big way, so it immediately sparked a defensive stance in me. I think there are appropriate times to GET ANGRY and tell someone off when they are being an a-hole.

My XABF knew I had a fairly short fuse, and that his crazy, false, paranoid accusations would start me "yelling" bc of how crazy they were, which would lead to him accusing me of acting violent (the yelling), which was another excuse for the drinking. What a disgusting, pointless scene THAT was.

A trick that worked for me, in addition to the quick dismissive responses suggested above, was to purposely keep my voice very low and quiet. Kind of a zen-master thing that prevented further escalation or engagement, and helped keep a lid on my "fire".

This self awareness is proving very helpful in all areas of my life now, which is part of the silver lining you mention above...

Good advice, SQ! It wound down after I decided I was done, and went back to making dinner and pleasant comments about other things, like the garden. Somehow, this was so dreadful that he needed to go for a walk. Or a stumble, depending on one's viewpoint. He came back, sulked, didn't eat the dinner (that's okay. new recipe and it wasn't that good :lmao ) then he zonked out on the couch.

Tuffgirl, the really funny thing is that I think I was making a point of being nice to the cousin because I DON'T like him and I know that I'm not good at hiding those feelings. I don't really remember, pretty much because it wasn't a big deal.

GoingAlone, if I come up with one I'll pass it along!

Hi Sueski,

That one about 'its all about your feelings my feelings don't count' gets me every time. I am getting better, still get hooked sometimes but sometimes I repeat in my head while he is ranting 'he is behaving badly, I don't have to'. The other one that someone posted here was their counsellor asked what colour is your refrigerator and they replied white and the counsellor said if I tell you it's blue does that make it blue? I found myself in one argument where he was accusing me of something i didn't do screaming at RA 'MY Refrigerator isn't blue' it stopped him in his tracks and I roared laughing at myself (not suggesting it as advice just a funny aside!). :lmao

Or another way of distracting yourself is to imagine him wearing a fluffy bunny suit (gonna try this next time), perhaps high heels, or nothing but a baby diaper with a pacifier around his neck. (My mom always told me to imagine teachers I was afraid of wearing underwear only.)

That reacting is terrible aye? I got better at not doing it over the years and got to a point where I didn't even flinch when the XA started destroying stuff round the house - never his stuff I use to notice too.

One good response (that wasn't a reaction) I used often was saying "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then I would go find something out to do in another room, if he followed, I'd go sit in the toilet.

It strikes me as a rather crazy way to live now but it actually helped decrease the dramas.