When will things be "normal?"

Old 09-05-2013, 11:27 AM
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Falling off the pink cloud

I have posted several times on this board. Every thread has helped me have more understanding and feel less worried about my situation. So here I go again. My husband has been sober 10 months- the first 9 months, he was euphoric and OVER THE TOP happy. It was a difficult thing to handle as everything was about him. Well, he has fallen off of that "pink cloud" with a LOUD RESOUNDING THUD! The depression that I am seeing is heartbreaking. He is paralyzed with fear and anxiety, he is ashamed of all of his failures when he was drinking, he can barely get out of bed and function, oh and did I mention he has stopped going to meetings? I know my posts may seem that I am hard to please, but I was just wondering if this is normal. I have never seen him this sad and hopeless. I made him go to our family Dr and he has started him on an antidepressant to curb the anxiety. He has accomplished a lot with in the year and I am really proud of him.
But I feel that I have to insist that he return to his meetings and FORCE him to try to accomplish goals everyday but you know what? I am not his mother! Nor do I want to be- I just want a husband and a father to my children..... Do things EVER even out? Is this drop into depression normal or should I be really concerned? Any advice would be so appreciated.

Last edited by kkelly370; 09-05-2013 at 11:40 AM. Reason: title change
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Old 09-05-2013, 11:49 AM
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I'd suggest that he see a psychiatrist or therapist of some kind, and start going to meetings again. People often self-medicate depression and other mental illnesses with alcohol (which makes them worse). I've done it and know many people who also have. Good luck to you and your husband. Hopefully if he gets the help and support he needs he'll feel better soon.

and just to add......I know what it's like to be so depressed you can't even get out of bed, let alone imagine going to a meeting. Maybe it would help if you offer to drive him there and reassure him that even though he doesn't want to go he'll probably feel better afterward. If he says no, fine, but sometimes an extra helping hand can do wonders.
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Old 09-05-2013, 12:01 PM
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Hi Kelly,

My AW never did a serious attempt at recovery so I have no idea what you should expect.

However, I have noticed your whole post is all about him. I found that things got better for me when I focused on my recovery my life got a whole lot better.

Just like you have no control over his drinking you have no control over his recovery. He is a grown man and he has to manage this for himself.

Your friend,
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Old 09-05-2013, 01:12 PM
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Hi again Kelly, I just noticed you are pretty new here.

I am going to strongly recommend that you start going to Al-Anon if you aren't already. It is a great place to meet people who understand what you are going through and to get some great tools for getting your own life back to someplace sane and even happy again. I can honestly say it was a life saver for me.

One thing I learned here and at Al-Anon is the 3 Cs.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

This applies to their recovery as well as their drinking. It was a huge load off my shoulders when I put down all the baggage I was carrying trying to manage my AW's life. It finally gave me a chance to look at my life and how I could improve it.

Keep coming back as there is huge amounts of wisdom on this site.

Your friend,
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Old 09-05-2013, 01:30 PM
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I attend Alanon and am working on myself - it has been the best thing I have ever done. Thanks for checking!
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Old 09-05-2013, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
However, I have noticed your whole post is all about him. I found that things got better for me when I focused on my recovery my life got a whole lot better.
so? when are you gonna focus on you?
have you tried AL ANON?
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Old 09-05-2013, 02:03 PM
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Fourmaggie- I DO attend Al Anon - HOWEVER my husband and the father of my children is in a deep depression and I am concerned about him. Yes my post was about him....because my question was about him. And this may sound like I am doing it wrong, but there is nothing I won't do to help him through. That doesn't mean I will do it FOR him- I guess I was hoping that if anyone had been where I am right now I may get a post saying that Yes- this is what I went through- or no I didn't experience this- AL ANON has saved me- and my taking responsibility for ME has changed me forever, but that sure doesn't mean that I will not be an active partner to my husband who is hurting right now.
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Old 09-05-2013, 02:08 PM
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wow! sounds defensive<
and for the lack of responses...it shows the enabler in US has to stop...

"Co dependent No more" from Melody Beattie would be a good read then...
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Old 09-05-2013, 06:39 PM
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Hi kkelly370. My son is 10 months sober and he has suffered from depression and anxiety off and on since he was 16 (he's 22 now). His alcoholism started when he self medicated with alcohol. He was on an antidepressant at the time, but he had built up a tolerance to the dose, and when his best friends was killed in an accident he went into a very serious depression and stage of anxiety. We weren't aware of his struggles because he was away at college. He ended up in the ER drunk out of his mind and panicking. His anxiety was through the roof. They detoxed him, but we then took him to our family DR. who changed his antidepressant medication . It's been 10 months now and he is doing really well so far. The anxiety and depression seem to get better every month. I'm not an alcoholic, but I too have suffered from depression and anxiety over the years. I don't know when your husband's Dr. put him on the antidepressant you mention, but I do know from experience that they take a bit of time to get in your system and work. If you feel it isn't working see if he'll go back to the Dr. and tell him it's not getting better. Some meds don't work well on some people and they have to try others. What concerns me is that depression can cause someone to self medicate and you don't want a relapse because of that. Also, depression and anxiety are serious illnesses and you want to make sure it's being treated appropriately. Remember that they carry a black box warning on them and you feel it isn't getting better please get him some help from a medical professional. I don't like the fact that he can barely get out of bed and is having paralyzing fear and anxiety. Some antidepressant meds work better than others on concurring anxiety. As for the enabling: when a person is depressed , anxious, and sober and a family member is concerned and wants to help it is NOT enabling. Detaching from or ignoring a true clinical depression and/or anxiety disorder in a sober person is not a wise decision. It isn't loving or helpful either. Yes, his recovery is his own responsibility, but when he's clinically depressed and suffering from anxiety and panic he may not be mentally capable of doing it without help from a family member. I agree that you shouldn't make him attend meetings, that's on him. But I do feel getting him some help for his other issues are well within your boundaries. Hope this helps. I understand what you're going through.
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Old 09-06-2013, 05:55 AM
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Thank you Wolfpack for your reply- THAT was exactly what I was hoping to see. Your insight was very helpful and gave me some clarity. Have a wonderful day!
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:28 AM
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Yes, Kkelly, I concur with supporting anyone with deep depression to get medical/psychological intervention. I do not consider that to be "enabling".

He may resist or refuse (I sincerely HOPE not), but at least you will know that you tried to do the right thing. I also think it is very helpful to remember that depression is very treatable.

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Old 09-06-2013, 09:01 AM
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Thank you dandelion! Your post and Wolfpack's are why I joined this forum. Because most people have been thoughtful enough to truly express their thoughts and feelings and SUPORT. While a very small number of people use this platform as a way to enforce their belief that the alcoholic deserves NO HELP because "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." In the case of drinking and the effects of that I will agree 100% - however- in this situation, I believe that we all have to work together. Defensive? No, I will just never apologize or feel like I am less true to my program for being willing to help my husband overcome something that I feel is threatening his sobriety. At this point that is all he feels he has - his 10 months of sobriety...and that's a HUGE accomplishment.
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Old 09-06-2013, 09:27 AM
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Kkelly, just remember that everyone's responses are filtered through their own experiences, and tone doesn't come across in a post like it would in person.

And honestly, even the people who are pretty blunt do that with the intention of being helpful.

Hang in there, and take care.
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Old 09-06-2013, 10:01 AM
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Sueski - You're right- Thanks for pointing that out.....I was called defensive and basically an enabler for trying to help my husband and I became a little - well- defensive.....
Thanks for helping me remember that this is supposed to be helpful and a no judgement zone......So thank everyone for expressing your opinion , I truly do respect and appreciate each of them.
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Old 09-08-2013, 05:00 PM
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I have been there and done that...an intervention NEVER WORKED--for us...it still is up to HIM to get the help....
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Old 09-09-2013, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by kkelly370 View Post
I have posted several times on this board. Every thread has helped me have more understanding and feel less worried about my situation. So here I go again. My husband has been sober 10 months- the first 9 months, he was euphoric and OVER THE TOP happy. It was a difficult thing to handle as everything was about him. Well, he has fallen off of that "pink cloud" with a LOUD RESOUNDING THUD! The depression that I am seeing is heartbreaking. He is paralyzed with fear and anxiety, he is ashamed of all of his failures when he was drinking, he can barely get out of bed and function, oh and did I mention he has stopped going to meetings? I know my posts may seem that I am hard to please, but I was just wondering if this is normal. I have never seen him this sad and hopeless. I made him go to our family Dr and he has started him on an antidepressant to curb the anxiety. He has accomplished a lot with in the year and I am really proud of him.
But I feel that I have to insist that he return to his meetings and FORCE him to try to accomplish goals everyday but you know what? I am not his mother! Nor do I want to be- I just want a husband and a father to my children..... Do things EVER even out? Is this drop into depression normal or should I be really concerned? Any advice would be so appreciated.

In my experience, RAH's depression has been horrific. However, I think it's important to note that he has had ongoing issues with depression going back to his teens. I think that the alcohol somehow helped him to hide from it for a bit, and without it he hasn't been able to find an acceptable way to handle it. He alternately refuses to consider medication or treatment (when he's feeling in control) to desperately announcing that he's up for ANYTHING that will make him feel better (when he's at the bottom of the cycle and overwhelmed). He never follows through. For him, depression is a problem separate from the alcohol.

He's stubborn and it's terrible to watch him suffer, but outside of discussing his options when he's willing to talk about it, there's not much that I can do to MAKE him take the steps. History has proven to me that whenever I have managed to "make" him do something, he gives up on it pretty quickly once he starts to feel like it's being forced on him anyway.

And frankly, it gets old to watch someone beat their head against the same wall & continue to wonder why it hurts. I dont always have the patience, time & energy to worry over him... especially when it often means I end up picking up the slack during his episodes. I had to sit down & really draw some boundaries & learn to use my detachment tools during these challenges.

I've also told him that at this point we've discussed this enough that I have no new information to share (we've discussed the gamut; from traditional to holistic approaches) - it has to be his decision to find an acceptable solution just like it is my decision to not get drawn in to his cycle because that just ended up feeling like more enabling & echoed the same dysfunctional dance steps we were trotting through during his active addiction. I won't spend my time seeking solutions, alternative therapies, possible explanations - nada.

Now I just tell him to call his sponsor. Even if his sponsor doesn't get him to a meeting, he always feels better having spoken to him and it helps me not to get entangled. DD & I have developed a certain level of acceptance that this is just something he will stuggle with - which helps us both to set reasonable expectations.
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Old 09-09-2013, 08:26 AM
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kkelly, I'd like to remind you of the "take what works and leave the rest" slogan from Al-Anon. That also applies here. No need to respond to everyone; if someone says something that doesn't resonate with you, you are free to not respond.

That said, its not folks believing alcoholics don't deserve any help. It's being clear on what "helping" actually means.

For example, my XAH got irate whenever I tried to "help". It was truly a case of immediate defensiveness, even if he knew I was right. So I tried not to do anything that smacked of "helping" where his sobriety was the issue. He made it crystal clear my "help" was not welcome, therefore I stayed out of it as best I could. Sadly, that same defensiveness carried over into other areas, and eventually ruined our marriage. But I did owe him the respect as a fellow grown up human being to handle things his own way, so I kept the focus on me instead.

And the three C's are about control. The underlying message is we really don't have any control over other people. You may be able to persuade your husband to seek professional help. That would be awesome! But he may refuse. Then what? Do you duct tape him to the car seat and drive him yourself? That's what I mean about control. You can suggest and/or implore he get help, but if he refuses, that's on him, not you. Again, he is a grown up and he does deserve the respect of finding his own solutions that work for him.

Good luck to you. I know these kinds of cycles are normal in early recovery, and for him to feel euphoric for 10 months itself is amazing. Most crash around month 3-6. You can read about that in the alcoholism and newcomers to recovery forums. Also Google the term PAWS - post acute withdrawal syndrome - that may help explain where his mind is at today.

Keep reading, and keep coming back,
~T
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Old 09-09-2013, 08:33 AM
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know these kinds of cycles are normal in early recovery, and for him to feel euphoric for 10 months itself is amazing. Most crash around month 3-6.
Yes, I've heard this called "riding the pink cloud."

My AH also had a dual diagnosis which made early sobriety particularly difficult. I tried to help but found that it was a lot of wasted breath and anxiety. Like fourmaggie, the decision to GET and SUSTAIN treatment for his bipolar disorder was as consistent as his commitment to get and sustain treatment for his drinking... which meant he was open to anything when at his worst, and unwilling to commit to treatment as soon as things started to take a turn for the better. It was an awful rollercoaster ride. After about a year of purported sobriety, he relapsed again. Most of that time was just as depressing as when he was drinking. Just less dramatic, I guess.

Instead of interfering with his treatment or lack thereof, I started to take control of finances and of the kids and stopped asking him where he was in his treatment and moods. While I was impatient with him and his excuses as to why he no longer needed medication, couldn't get to doctor's appointments, and argued with the pharmacy, I got so tired of the same old stories and the eagerness to blame the medical system for his irresponsibility and procrastination that this became one of the major reasons I decided to leave him. This on top of everything else.
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Old 09-09-2013, 08:37 AM
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One more thing that may help (or may not ) - in reference to your post title, "When will things be normal?"... I had to stop looking for that & realize that Normal didn't exist for us any longer. We would never move forward as a family unchanged by addiction so I could make myself anxious waiting for "normal" to show back up or I could decide to change my definition.

I didn't even realize how much I was holding out for that return to "Normal" but I can tell you that it felt like I released oceans of anxiety when I shifted my perspective & decided to accept a "New Normal" for our family.

It was very freeing because I got to make changes in my behavior & attitude too - it hasn't all been about working around RAH & his battle with sobriety. I kind of broke the mold of who I was & started opening up for new experiences & ideas. I don't have a crystal ball that tells us where we are going to end up on any given day, but in the end I want to remain someone that I like & love.
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