Contacting a Sponsor?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 8
Contacting a Sponsor?
Boy, I am so grateful to have found this board, so thankful for people like yourselves and so hopeful that I will be able to remain married to my drunk.
My DH attended meetings regularly, (weekly) was very involved in his group too, but the group got old after many years and he got busier with our church and volunteering in many many ministries...so he quit going to the aa meetings, and since then has not relapsed but I fear he's become a dry drunk. he puts on a happy face, but at times is quick to anger (just on the subject of my daughter, who recently moved out)...he tells me he's speaking to his sponsor, but I can tell from the cell bills he is not...earlier I busted him by accident on the computer and he was about to engage in an affair...I was heartbroken to say the least, he said he didn't get far and would not pursue it...I can only think about what if I didn't accidently find out... people in the community and church and all over think he's just a wonderful guy and he is, a great provider, father and husband (most times) but I know the deeper darker side...I see him searching inappropriate things on his phone not the house computer in order to not get caught...recently it looks like he's created a new email acct and started searching craigslist...my guess is for sex.
how can I get him to return to aa meetings? I have spoke to 1 other person I truly trust about the problems here and she said he needs to return and I think so as well...I thought of calling his sponsor, but thought that would probably make matters worse.. I can't live with this dishonesty and no trust and I fear he will be having an affair and there will be no turning back and no amount of amends that will fix it...please help...
oh and yes I went to al anon meetings at my husbands request earlier this year, the meetings were nice and the people were too, I think I attended abot 6 of them, but just couldn't figure out why I was there...I was thinking if I returned, than perhaps my husband would return to aa...awhile ago he told me he was going in the early mornings, but he didn't...
pls help, any words of guidance are very welcomed...thanks for reading
My DH attended meetings regularly, (weekly) was very involved in his group too, but the group got old after many years and he got busier with our church and volunteering in many many ministries...so he quit going to the aa meetings, and since then has not relapsed but I fear he's become a dry drunk. he puts on a happy face, but at times is quick to anger (just on the subject of my daughter, who recently moved out)...he tells me he's speaking to his sponsor, but I can tell from the cell bills he is not...earlier I busted him by accident on the computer and he was about to engage in an affair...I was heartbroken to say the least, he said he didn't get far and would not pursue it...I can only think about what if I didn't accidently find out... people in the community and church and all over think he's just a wonderful guy and he is, a great provider, father and husband (most times) but I know the deeper darker side...I see him searching inappropriate things on his phone not the house computer in order to not get caught...recently it looks like he's created a new email acct and started searching craigslist...my guess is for sex.
how can I get him to return to aa meetings? I have spoke to 1 other person I truly trust about the problems here and she said he needs to return and I think so as well...I thought of calling his sponsor, but thought that would probably make matters worse.. I can't live with this dishonesty and no trust and I fear he will be having an affair and there will be no turning back and no amount of amends that will fix it...please help...
oh and yes I went to al anon meetings at my husbands request earlier this year, the meetings were nice and the people were too, I think I attended abot 6 of them, but just couldn't figure out why I was there...I was thinking if I returned, than perhaps my husband would return to aa...awhile ago he told me he was going in the early mornings, but he didn't...
pls help, any words of guidance are very welcomed...thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, bsktlady--glad you found your way here. It's a great community, with lots of very straight talk.
Your husband is lying and is on the verge of cheating, from what you say, and I guess really, can you be absolutely sure he hasn't already cheated? Can you be absolutely sure he hasn't been drinking? You are right, this does not sound like recovery at all. Sometimes removing the alcohol from the equation only results in a sober person w/lots of OTHER problems.
I'm going to suggest that you do return to Alanon, but NOT b/c maybe if you do so, your hub will return to AA.
You said you "didn't know what you were doing in Alanon." Well, what you would have been doing in Alanon would have been working on YOU--on how to make your life what you want it to be--rather than wanting to make someone else be what you want them to be. It sounds like it's time to maybe go back and really dig into what Alanon is all about.
In the meantime, do as much reading as you can here, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. I'm certain you'll find things that resonate with you and will help you see the path ahead of you. Again, welcome to SR.
Your husband is lying and is on the verge of cheating, from what you say, and I guess really, can you be absolutely sure he hasn't already cheated? Can you be absolutely sure he hasn't been drinking? You are right, this does not sound like recovery at all. Sometimes removing the alcohol from the equation only results in a sober person w/lots of OTHER problems.
I'm going to suggest that you do return to Alanon, but NOT b/c maybe if you do so, your hub will return to AA.
You said you "didn't know what you were doing in Alanon." Well, what you would have been doing in Alanon would have been working on YOU--on how to make your life what you want it to be--rather than wanting to make someone else be what you want them to be. It sounds like it's time to maybe go back and really dig into what Alanon is all about.
In the meantime, do as much reading as you can here, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. I'm certain you'll find things that resonate with you and will help you see the path ahead of you. Again, welcome to SR.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Alanon is for you, You, YOU. Not about him, Him, HIM.
But the way you, You, YOU are going on about him, Him, HIM,
It sounds like you, You, YOU could deeply benefit from Alanon.
Just my observation.
As far as the sex and run around stuff. I would say F-him. Really. Long and hard. Let him know who is charge of THAT department. Just saying.
For the most part, guys are just dumb. Have to be told what to do. If you do not, somebody else will.
But the way you, You, YOU are going on about him, Him, HIM,
It sounds like you, You, YOU could deeply benefit from Alanon.
Just my observation.
As far as the sex and run around stuff. I would say F-him. Really. Long and hard. Let him know who is charge of THAT department. Just saying.
For the most part, guys are just dumb. Have to be told what to do. If you do not, somebody else will.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Hi, bsktlady--glad you found your way here. It's a great community, with lots of very straight talk.
Your husband is lying and is on the verge of cheating, from what you say, and I guess really, can you be absolutely sure he hasn't already cheated? Can you be absolutely sure he hasn't been drinking? You are right, this does not sound like recovery at all. Sometimes removing the alcohol from the equation only results in a sober person w/lots of OTHER problems.
I'm going to suggest that you do return to Alanon, but NOT b/c maybe if you do so, your hub will return to AA.
You said you "didn't know what you were doing in Alanon." Well, what you would have been doing in Alanon would have been working on YOU--on how to make your life what you want it to be--rather than wanting to make someone else be what you want them to be. It sounds like it's time to maybe go back and really dig into what Alanon is all about.
In the meantime, do as much reading as you can here, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. I'm certain you'll find things that resonate with you and will help you see the path ahead of you. Again, welcome to SR.
Your husband is lying and is on the verge of cheating, from what you say, and I guess really, can you be absolutely sure he hasn't already cheated? Can you be absolutely sure he hasn't been drinking? You are right, this does not sound like recovery at all. Sometimes removing the alcohol from the equation only results in a sober person w/lots of OTHER problems.
I'm going to suggest that you do return to Alanon, but NOT b/c maybe if you do so, your hub will return to AA.
You said you "didn't know what you were doing in Alanon." Well, what you would have been doing in Alanon would have been working on YOU--on how to make your life what you want it to be--rather than wanting to make someone else be what you want them to be. It sounds like it's time to maybe go back and really dig into what Alanon is all about.
In the meantime, do as much reading as you can here, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. I'm certain you'll find things that resonate with you and will help you see the path ahead of you. Again, welcome to SR.
I want to call his sponsor..to get him to begin a dialogue with AH, but KNOW that's night the right thing to do and if the sponsor was a good one he probably wouldn't speak to me with AH there anyway.
I can't tell AH how I know about what he's been up to, because that isn't too honest either, but I feel as if I am doing it to save my marriage (this is where I think AL ANON meetings probably would be a great idea about now!!)
so lost, saying prayers and hoping for the best, I like it here, the is no BS and ugliness but honesty and guidance and that's what I really need...thanks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Hammer
Alanon is for you, You, YOU. Not about him, Him, HIM.
But the way you, You, YOU are going on about him, Him, HIM,
It sounds like you, You, YOU could deeply benefit from Alanon.
Just my observation.
As far as the sex and run around stuff. I would say F-him. Really. Long and hard. Let him know who is charge of THAT department. Just saying.
For the most part, guys are just dumb. Have to be told what to do. If you do not, somebody else will.
But the way you, You, YOU are going on about him, Him, HIM,
It sounds like you, You, YOU could deeply benefit from Alanon.
Just my observation.
As far as the sex and run around stuff. I would say F-him. Really. Long and hard. Let him know who is charge of THAT department. Just saying.
For the most part, guys are just dumb. Have to be told what to do. If you do not, somebody else will.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so because of how HE feels, your own DAUGHTER isn't allowed in your home??? HE comes before She does? that's not right. sorry to be blunt, but one's children should ALWAYS come first.
he's searching around on hook up sites....even if he hasn't cheated yet, he WANTS to.
do you have a dealbreaker?
he's searching around on hook up sites....even if he hasn't cheated yet, he WANTS to.
do you have a dealbreaker?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
heres something that worked for old joe, a friend that had many years of solid mental, emotional, and spiritual sobriety when he died:
his sponsor would call him on his BS.sponsor didn't have any problem doin it. eventually, old joe( who was young joe at the time) started seein how he truly was full of BS. he started working the program.
old joe( who was now middle aged joe) was amazed at how his sponsor would call at just the time he was startin to let his character defects take control. "man,", middle aged joe would think,"this guy is phenominal! intuitively knows somethings not right with me!"
about 15 or so years into recovery, during dinner with his wife, his sponsor, and his sponsors wife, middle aged joe brought up to his sponsors wife just how intuitive her husband was. his sponsor said," I wouldn't be so intuitive if your wife didn't love you as much and call me through the years and let me know what was really goin on."
not sayin it would work for you, but it worked for him and others I know.
his sponsor would call him on his BS.sponsor didn't have any problem doin it. eventually, old joe( who was young joe at the time) started seein how he truly was full of BS. he started working the program.
old joe( who was now middle aged joe) was amazed at how his sponsor would call at just the time he was startin to let his character defects take control. "man,", middle aged joe would think,"this guy is phenominal! intuitively knows somethings not right with me!"
about 15 or so years into recovery, during dinner with his wife, his sponsor, and his sponsors wife, middle aged joe brought up to his sponsors wife just how intuitive her husband was. his sponsor said," I wouldn't be so intuitive if your wife didn't love you as much and call me through the years and let me know what was really goin on."
not sayin it would work for you, but it worked for him and others I know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so because of how HE feels, your own DAUGHTER isn't allowed in your home??? HE comes before She does? that's not right. sorry to be blunt, but one's children should ALWAYS come first.
he's searching around on hook up sites....even if he hasn't cheated yet, he WANTS to.
do you have a dealbreaker?
he's searching around on hook up sites....even if he hasn't cheated yet, he WANTS to.
do you have a dealbreaker?
VERY long history there with the daughter, she's ADHD, defiant disrespectful, etc., i could list adjectives all day about her behavior and it just wasn't a home of "peace" i forget what AA folks call it, but it wasn't a quiet place anymore beause you never new what her attitude would be, but if it was ugly it would bring the entire house down...at this point in my life she turned 18 and i have done all i can/could do as a parent and it was time to let her see what the real world is about...ya can't keep treating people like **** and expect them to be there for you...
there's so much more to this "story"...i don't know if i have a dealbreaker, i did speak to him last night and expressed that our marriage is "broken" and no matter what i will be attending al anon meetings again and he needs to do aa..he agreed to go but who the heck knows if he really goes...my bet is he will tell me he did and didn't... i don't like being like "big brother" always checking up etc.., but it seems that is the only way i can look out for me..but you are right even if he's just looking, he wants to and eventually will act...i believe once that happens and i can confirm it, THAT will be the dealbreaker...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by tomsteve
heres something that worked for old joe, a friend that had many years of solid mental, emotional, and spiritual sobriety when he died:
his sponsor would call him on his BS.sponsor didn't have any problem doin it. eventually, old joe( who was young joe at the time) started seein how he truly was full of BS. he started working the program.
old joe( who was now middle aged joe) was amazed at how his sponsor would call at just the time he was startin to let his character defects take control. "man,", middle aged joe would think,"this guy is phenominal! intuitively knows somethings not right with me!"
about 15 or so years into recovery, during dinner with his wife, his sponsor, and his sponsors wife, middle aged joe brought up to his sponsors wife just how intuitive her husband was. his sponsor said," I wouldn't be so intuitive if your wife didn't love you as much and call me through the years and let me know what was really goin on."
not sayin it would work for you, but it worked for him and others I know.
his sponsor would call him on his BS.sponsor didn't have any problem doin it. eventually, old joe( who was young joe at the time) started seein how he truly was full of BS. he started working the program.
old joe( who was now middle aged joe) was amazed at how his sponsor would call at just the time he was startin to let his character defects take control. "man,", middle aged joe would think,"this guy is phenominal! intuitively knows somethings not right with me!"
about 15 or so years into recovery, during dinner with his wife, his sponsor, and his sponsors wife, middle aged joe brought up to his sponsors wife just how intuitive her husband was. his sponsor said," I wouldn't be so intuitive if your wife didn't love you as much and call me through the years and let me know what was really goin on."
not sayin it would work for you, but it worked for him and others I know.
i'm praying and praying, hoping for the best..i know no marriage is PERFECT, but i told him last night, i can't live my life like a fake and i won't. people see us at home, church, etc., and think we are "so perfect"... thinking oh they are so affectionate, doing lots of things together, spend so much time volunteering at church, helping neighbors, we look like the textbook "NICE: family, but inside i know different..and i hate it...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
bsketlady, it is awesome to read you have the great faith in God. heres what I think:
you've been praying and praying. AWESOME!! im guessin you have asked God about calling his sponsor. it could be that God has given you an answer on that.
so heres my opinion:
1st, ask God to help with the call. before getting into detail IF you call ask his sponsor if the conversation would be confidential and not mentioned to yer husband that you called, but IF he says yes, he will not tell your husband, have no expectations of that happening. explain how YOU are doing and how his behavior is effecting YOU and your family. then ask if he may be able to talk to your husband.
now this may be a lil harsh:
If your husband gets a call from his sponsor and its brought up that you called him and yer hubby gets angry..guess whose problem it is?? not yours. If he does get angry, it is a very good indication that he knows that his behavior is not appropriate.
please remember these are only suggestions. ya got some prayers out for ya!!
you've been praying and praying. AWESOME!! im guessin you have asked God about calling his sponsor. it could be that God has given you an answer on that.
so heres my opinion:
1st, ask God to help with the call. before getting into detail IF you call ask his sponsor if the conversation would be confidential and not mentioned to yer husband that you called, but IF he says yes, he will not tell your husband, have no expectations of that happening. explain how YOU are doing and how his behavior is effecting YOU and your family. then ask if he may be able to talk to your husband.
now this may be a lil harsh:
If your husband gets a call from his sponsor and its brought up that you called him and yer hubby gets angry..guess whose problem it is?? not yours. If he does get angry, it is a very good indication that he knows that his behavior is not appropriate.
please remember these are only suggestions. ya got some prayers out for ya!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
it's alright to call his Sponsor if you wish
when I was in jail years ago my wife called mine
he was of some help for her
although I'm not exactly sure what they talked about
I think that he suggested for her to go to Alanon
which she did for only a very short while
she didn't like being force fed what she should do regarding me
she receives good sound support through the Church (many years of proven results)
Mountainman
when I was in jail years ago my wife called mine
he was of some help for her
although I'm not exactly sure what they talked about
I think that he suggested for her to go to Alanon
which she did for only a very short while
she didn't like being force fed what she should do regarding me
she receives good sound support through the Church (many years of proven results)
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by bsketlady
This is great, I have gone back and forth in my mind, to call or not...i fear if i call the sponsor and he tells AH, then he will be really pissed at me and cheat and do whatever else he shouldn't be doing ya know? if i call the sponsor it's out of love and nothing more but i am sure he wouldn't see it that way..
If you call his sponsor, it's an excuse to cheat on you?
I don't think so, dear...if he cheats it's because he decided to cheat...plain and simple.
Don't take that burden on your shoulders. It doesn't belong there. He alone is responsible for his own behaviors.
If you take responsibility for his shortcomings...can you see where your life will be headed?
All the blame will be on you, for a person you have no control over, a person who makes their own choices.
It's like the saying "no responsibility without authority"
I can assure you that you don't have the authority, so don't be so harsh on yourself to take on the responsibility.
You don't have that much power! Isn't that a good thing! Otherwise, you would be responsible for another person's actions! Imagine how horrible life would be if we were held responsible for what other people chose to do....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
Think about what you wrote.
If you call his sponsor, it's an excuse to cheat on you?
I don't think so, dear...if he cheats it's because he decided to cheat...plain and simple.
Don't take that burden on your shoulders. It doesn't belong there. He alone is responsible for his own behaviors.
If you take responsibility for his shortcomings...can you see where your life will be headed?
All the blame will be on you, for a person you have no control over, a person who makes their own choices.
It's like the saying "no responsibility without authority"
I can assure you that you don't have the authority, so don't be so harsh on yourself to take on the responsibility.
You don't have that much power! Isn't that a good thing! Otherwise, you would be responsible for another person's actions! Imagine how horrible life would be if we were held responsible for what other people chose to do....
If you call his sponsor, it's an excuse to cheat on you?
I don't think so, dear...if he cheats it's because he decided to cheat...plain and simple.
Don't take that burden on your shoulders. It doesn't belong there. He alone is responsible for his own behaviors.
If you take responsibility for his shortcomings...can you see where your life will be headed?
All the blame will be on you, for a person you have no control over, a person who makes their own choices.
It's like the saying "no responsibility without authority"
I can assure you that you don't have the authority, so don't be so harsh on yourself to take on the responsibility.
You don't have that much power! Isn't that a good thing! Otherwise, you would be responsible for another person's actions! Imagine how horrible life would be if we were held responsible for what other people chose to do....
thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
it's alright to call his Sponsor if you wish
when I was in jail years ago my wife called mine
he was of some help for her
although I'm not exactly sure what they talked about
I think that he suggested for her to go to Alanon
which she did for only a very short while
she didn't like being force fed what she should do regarding me
she receives good sound support through the Church (many years of proven results)
Mountainman
when I was in jail years ago my wife called mine
he was of some help for her
although I'm not exactly sure what they talked about
I think that he suggested for her to go to Alanon
which she did for only a very short while
she didn't like being force fed what she should do regarding me
she receives good sound support through the Church (many years of proven results)
Mountainman
i am going BACK to al anon starting tomorrow...i got out of going because i got busy and made excuses why not to go...i'm going back and i told AH i am...and told him he better get to AA asap...so far as of today, haven't seen anything changing on his end...but it's his choice not mine.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by tomsteve
bsketlady, it is awesome to read you have the great faith in God. heres what I think:
you've been praying and praying. AWESOME!! im guessin you have asked God about calling his sponsor. it could be that God has given you an answer on that.
so heres my opinion:
1st, ask God to help with the call. before getting into detail IF you call ask his sponsor if the conversation would be confidential and not mentioned to yer husband that you called, but IF he says yes, he will not tell your husband, have no expectations of that happening. explain how YOU are doing and how his behavior is effecting YOU and your family. then ask if he may be able to talk to your husband.
now this may be a lil harsh:
If your husband gets a call from his sponsor and its brought up that you called him and yer hubby gets angry..guess whose problem it is?? not yours. If he does get angry, it is a very good indication that he knows that his behavior is not appropriate.
please remember these are only suggestions. ya got some prayers out for ya!!
you've been praying and praying. AWESOME!! im guessin you have asked God about calling his sponsor. it could be that God has given you an answer on that.
so heres my opinion:
1st, ask God to help with the call. before getting into detail IF you call ask his sponsor if the conversation would be confidential and not mentioned to yer husband that you called, but IF he says yes, he will not tell your husband, have no expectations of that happening. explain how YOU are doing and how his behavior is effecting YOU and your family. then ask if he may be able to talk to your husband.
now this may be a lil harsh:
If your husband gets a call from his sponsor and its brought up that you called him and yer hubby gets angry..guess whose problem it is?? not yours. If he does get angry, it is a very good indication that he knows that his behavior is not appropriate.
please remember these are only suggestions. ya got some prayers out for ya!!
thank you all for listenng/replying..it helps a lot
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