His friends support his drinking

Old 09-03-2013, 05:45 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Unhappy His friends support his drinking

Hi again,

My boyfriend has decided to stop drinking. He's insulting, angry, careless and cruel when he drinks and he likes to drink to the extreme of passing out. After the latest incident, I told him I don't want any alcohol in my life anymore - not me or anyone close to me drinking.

He's getting help and has stopped because he is tired of the problems, the worries and it hurting me and us.

Tonight, he visited 2 friends who he is sort of in a band with. They think he doesn't have a problem and is fine drinking. They're both drug users, but I don't want to assume the worst of them just because of that.

One said he used to insult his ex when he was drunk and that she'd just ignore him/curse at him and leave him alone. He suggested instead of alcohol help, that we get couple therapy instead. I think he thinks I'm a problem.

The other one said he can't have an alcohol problem because he doesn't drink often enough. He used to drink nightly, or most nights, but has been on/off trying to cut back or quit for months now and so does very drunk binges. Him not wanting to ruin his new job also means he has only drunk on weekends the last week or 2.

Is it my fault? Am I being intolerant of his drinking/drunkness? I've been around plenty of drunk people in my life but honestly never saw cruel behaviour like his before, only drunk, then slurry, then confused, then asleep. Should I be more tolerant of him getting drunk and being insulting/talking down to me? I feel like it's my fault like I'm being cruel and controlling by saying I have a problem with it.
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:01 PM
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You're taking the words of addicts to heart in re: your own addict boyfriend and your relationship. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR YOUR ABF DRINKING! And you are certainly not wrong in creating boundaries for yourself. You're letting these guys live rent free in your head when they have no business being there. If your ABF wants to stay sober, that is all on him. Nobody else can make him drink, just like nobody else can make him stop drinking. Is he working a program? If not, and he's still hanging out with active addicts, then I would buckle up and hold on tight. It's probably going to get very bumpy here soon.
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:03 PM
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Psht!!! There were a few times earlier on I second guessed the situation.
It didnt change anything my hubs is still an addict and his friends are still drunk dumba$$e$
But it did prolong my responsibility over my health and what was really going on and thats no good.
Soooooo....if its a problem to you its a problem.
You wouldn't be here if it werent that bad. Normal people dont seek help here.
Just the other day ah was telling some drunk idiots hes an alcoholic. They laughed and said so are we.
His friends dont get it ....they are huge enablers.
Honestly he might want to consider putting his foot down with his friends and if that doesnt work saying goodbye. In the long run friends are not worth your life. Maybe hell make that realizatoon btw
Dont let ANYONE tell you otherwise. Do not be manipulated by his addiction or those who refuse to see it or dont care too and enable.
Your making progress for yourself by refusing to enable and pretend its not a problem.
You make progress for your mental and physical well being by saying no more
And hopefully he really does stick with it and gets sober.
Itll be hard for both of you but remember just because he says something doesnt make it so....
Hell have to walk the talk. Think of it as demonic possession. You never know who your talking too and his friends a bunch of devil worshippers lol.
Harsh way to look at it but addiction is ugly and enabling friends can be just as
But you cant control who he sees or what he does but you can see the truth and not make excuses and that hes responsible for him and your responsible for you.
If he believes his friends are good and drinking is dont have too and you dont want too.
Keeps you sick
Good luck
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Old 09-03-2013, 06:24 PM
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I was dreading what would happen tonight with those guys. I should say it's worse than they do drugs, one is a dealer and the other has done so many vast varieties of drugs, my bf has said the stories made him wish he'd tried things more in the past. Fortunately, though he tried things long before me, he has never yet took them up on anything. Though he used to say he liked that he might be getting passively high with them as well as drinking with them.

Sadly, he told me tonight, after talking to them, that he doesn't think he's an alcoholic anymore (he did yesterday). He thinks he's just a bad drunk and it's causing problems.

He isn't on a program yet, the bad night last was Saturday, so this is his day 3. He made calls, not very enthusiastically at first (I told him trying to call once does not mean "couldn't get through"), there is a centre he says couldn't arrange an appointment for both of us due to closing early but that we should both drop in tomorrow. So that is tomorrow. His doctor is also doing a call-back on Thursday, to discuss visiting him. He is hoping for referral to a counsellor by his doctor.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by afla View Post
Sadly, he told me tonight, after talking to them, that he doesn't think he's an alcoholic anymore (he did yesterday). He thinks he's just a bad drunk and it's causing problems.
This is going to be your make-or-break here. Admitting that he is powerless over alcohol is the first step to recovery. If he doesn't think he has a real problem, nothing is going to work. He's already trying to rationalize his drinking and making it ok. It's a classic tactic of A's. I do wish you luck, though. He could very well get into a program and the lightbulb will go off.
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Old 09-03-2013, 10:14 PM
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Someone told me once that you are most likely to turn out like the closest five people you are around. Your ABF can make his own choices but his friends are not going to support recovery if they don't think that it is a problem. I've seen my XAH go from bad to worse in a short amount of time and it happened when his friends would support his drinking, getting drunk, being out all night and cheating on his wife (me). I was seen as the problem because I didn't drink nor did I support my XAHs choice to drink and be around his new friends. I catch myself wondering if it was my fault for the mess his life has become but I didn't force him to drink, nor can I force him to stop.

I do wish you luck. I don't wish any harm or abuse on anyone. I've had my fair share of wildly inappropriate drunken behavior and abuse. It's ok to not want that in your life and set boundaries.
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