New Relationships - when can you start dating?

Old 09-02-2013, 05:27 PM
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New Relationships - when can you start dating?

Hi there,

I have been at alanon for about 8 months and I separated from my partner 3 months ago. I recently got a sponsor and am working through the steps and feel a though I have started the process of recovery (but know that there is a long way to go). About the same time that I separated from A, I decided I was not going to pursue anymore relationships for a long while (5+ years) and decided that in 2-3 year I would have a child on my own. I am financially able too and I feel that with the support I have around me and another few years in recovery I could do this.

I felt a lot of relief in making that decision. I felt it gave me a lot of space to focus on myself and my recovery.

Since that point I have had a number of advances by unsuitable/inappropriate people and I have managed them well i.e. being upfront where appropriate or simply not responding to contact.

I have also had two people (one in alanon with 5+ years recovery) and another old friend that I have noticed I have an attraction to. I see there is future potential something with the alanon member (who after hearing since I've been in alanon for 8 mths, I believe is very strong in recovery).

I do not want to start a new relationship at the moment, but I am enjoying a respectful friendship with both, but I am also a bit fearful of getting too close with it impacting on my recovery. I noticed I am starting to distance myself the alanon member and not chatting after meetings where we used to.

I am just wondering if there is any recommended timeframe around when to start a new relationship. I have spoken to my sponsor and she wasn't sure if there was a timeframe but thought she had heard 2 years. She also gave sound advice around new relationships in the early stages of recovery can impact on healing.

I'd be keen to hear any advice on maintaining the friendship (or not) and what others experiences have been with 2 alanon members dating.

Thanks
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Old 09-02-2013, 06:10 PM
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Dunno at all.

Scares me deeply.

A couple have done the boob hugs. Yunno, you hug a little sideways so that you do not get the crotch bump, but they square on a boob hug and go with a rub back and forth. And look at you like -- "Yeah, I got them and they are real." And then they look at you to see your reaction. I am sure my look says I am about to pee my pants.

Had one a couple of weeks ago -- after I was talking about giving up on praying that God help make Mrs. Hammer a Godly Wife, and instead have switched to praying that God would make me a Godly Man (fix yourself, first, right?). She caught me after the meeting and was saying how much she prays a day, and was listening to my stuff, and heard my voice crack/cry during the Godly Wife part (my voice cracking Always Draws the Vampires). So she would be a Godly Wife. She started talking about how addicts, like her husband -- quit sex, and how she really needed some sex.

Did not know if was supposed to do her in the parking lot, or again pee my pants and run.

I opted for the pee my pants and run option.
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Old 09-02-2013, 06:22 PM
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OMG!!! A distressed and needy man-with cracking voice---in a room full of co-dependent women is like presenting a saucer of warm milk to a hungry kitten.

It frightens me to think about it.......

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Old 09-02-2013, 06:35 PM
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oh dear... I can only imagine...

no run, run away...

I have to put up massive boundaries in alanon because I noticed my normally open intently listening, smiling face opened me up for people coming and 'dumping' on me after meetings. It is a kinda nice change for me to be a bit closed now and I don't get it in the meetings (this hasn't quite translated to the real world hence the people trying to hit on me). I'm in alanon for me first and foremost.
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Old 09-02-2013, 06:47 PM
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I think you may have answered your own question simply because you are unsure of what to do. If you are feeling uncertain, it might be because you aren't ready. I want to say I've heard to wait a year for a new relationship. At least. Of course everyone is different. For me waiting five years would be too long. But that's me. When you get to a place where you are feeling ready, you will know. If you are unsure, then you don't yet know.

Same with impact on recovery - if you are worried about it, then keep it casual and platonic. Wait until it is clear to you.

Peace.
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Old 09-02-2013, 07:12 PM
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Thank you - yes I am definitely not ready at the moment.

I am also overly cautious and follow 'rules' I am given (i.e. wait 2 years) I will do it.

I noticed though I was adjusting meetings to avoid having to see him and thought I should back off on the friendship. And then I realised I was making decision based on someone else not on my needs (i.e. my need to go to a meeting).

I am trying to hand over this and other fear to God so that I am following his will, not mine. It is amazing what is coming up when I focus on myself and not the drinker. Yes... I have a LOT to do!
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Old 09-02-2013, 08:31 PM
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Jmh5-

I am about 3.5 years out from starting Al-Anon, and almost three since I divorced.

I am starting to trust that I will know by how I am FEELING that I am ready. I am still not ready (and lots of people on this board are by that time).

I needed that time to figure this out though. It is by far the longest I have ever been not in a relationship since I have started dating.

It has been a relief to give up some of the structures and the "rules" that I live by. It is bringing a new set of skills on board....and listening to me, instead of what someone else feels/needs.
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Old 09-03-2013, 04:51 AM
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Thank you. I definitely need to trust my feelings and myself more. Too often ruled by fear. I guess I'm also interested to hear about the dynamic between two alanon-ers getting into a relationship. Do they work? Destined for trouble?
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:47 PM
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hey sorry about my crazy stuff in your thread.

Thought about this morning driving 100 miles to work.

That has been bothering me since I did a (bunch of) crazy in a post/thread called "dunno."

I should have put in that one, since it was my thread and nutty like this, anyway.

Just for anyone following along -- Alanon is a Very Safe place. I have been to 100's of meetings -- probably at least 500 or so?

I think I only recall those "odd" interactions. So my safety factor math says -- 3/500 X 100% = 0.6% risk, or about 99.4% "safe." Not so bad.

I hate that I am such a p*ssy. At least I do not hate myself anymore for being such a p*ssy, but I still hate being a p*ssy.
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Old 09-03-2013, 07:56 PM
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I don't think there is any hard and fast rule. My first attempt at dating was not so great. I knew then I wasn't ready. About four months later, I tried again, and it was much better, even fun! Then I met someone, had a whirlwind romance for about two months, and it imploded. Thankfully! Not a good choice on my part. Gave it a couple more months, now I am dating again, and it feels good.

Go with your gut on this one. If it feels ok, go with it. If it doesn't feel ok, don't do it.
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Old 09-04-2013, 04:13 AM
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Thanks Hammer- and no worries, we have to have our wits about us at all times.

Thanks Tuffgirl- I do need to trust my gut. I think I also need to start thinking about things, just a day at a time. I get too far ahead of myself sometimes. Glad you are having fun dating, always good to hear other people moving on and up
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Old 09-04-2013, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post

I hate that I am such a p*ssy. At least I do not hate myself anymore for being such a p*ssy, but I still hate being a p*ssy.
Can I say, that I don't think you are a p*ssy. I love your sense of humor n your comment of doing that woman in the parking lot or peeing your pants n running had me howling! I'm just glad I work alone sometimes.

Hope you have a good day Hammer! And the rest of you!!!
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:00 AM
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a child does best with two (proven point)

Originally Posted by jmh5 View Post

in 2-3 year I would have a child on my own

I am just wondering if there is any recommended timeframe around when to start a new relationship. I have spoken to my sponsor and she wasn't sure if there was a timeframe but thought she had heard 2 years.
they say that a child does best
with two parents to raise them
my wife has taught kindergarten, 1st, 2nd, 4th and now for many years grade 3
this has been proven in her classroom over and over again


many say at least 1 year before starting a relationship ????

Mountainman
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob View Post

they say that a child does best
with two parents to raise them
"They" say? Who are they?
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Lulu39 View Post
"They" say? Who are they?
Yes they say they are the teachers of the usa
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:53 AM
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[whisper]

pssst Bob, do not mess with the wimmen folk whom be carrying a BIG knife.

[/whisper]
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Old 09-04-2013, 03:38 PM
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I think two parents are definitely ideal, it was a relief to me to make that decision because it meant I took the accelerator off trying to find 'the one'. And since last two b/f have had drinking problems. I think I prefer not to rush into the arms of another unsuitable partner- just to have kids. Or even (as I crazily thought 1 year ago) that kids would fix the drinking problem. Glad now to be slowing down, focussing on myself and getting better first. Then we shall see what God's will is for me. (Kids or no kids, partner or no partner).
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Old 09-04-2013, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by jmh5 View Post

I think two parents are definitely ideal

I think I prefer not to rush into the arms of another unsuitable partner- just to have kids.

Glad now to be slowing down, focussing on myself and getting better first.

Then we shall see what God's will is for me.

(Kids or no kids, partner or no partner).
you sound to be well on your way to being very healthy
yes - the mistakes in which we make can be a real doggie at times
made more than my share
but
we need not ride that horse anymore
I got tired of the things that I used to do
so glad that
today moral ground is finding it's way
it all started with making good decisions

I ask that God would help you with yours to be made

Mountainman
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Old 09-04-2013, 06:01 PM
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I have been a teacher in the US for 20 years (National Board Certified for past 6 years) and I once believed that every child would do better with both parents. In fact I stayed in an unhealthy marriage because of that and my Catholic upbringing for far too long. Now I KNOW that a child will thrive with loving sober parents who respect each other and put their child's needs first. My 5 year old daughter will not grow up with both her parents as a married unit. I will raise my daughter as a single parent. She will have a loving, caring, warm home filled with happiness. I couldn't have provided that for her if I had stayed with my AH (her father) any longer. This isn't what I had dreamed or hoped, but it is what is best for her future.
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Old 09-05-2013, 07:49 AM
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I'm going to sidestep the questioning of single parenting because it's sort of triggering to me.

As for when you should start a new relationship? I would say when you feel you have thoroughly washed the consequences of the old one off every part of your being. Which won't ever happen. But the point is -- you will always carry your experiences of your dysfunctional relationship into the future. You want to get to the point where you can use them as reverse indicators: If this is what you would have done in your OLD relationship, do the OPPOSITE...

I jumped into my next relationship too fast.
There, I said it.
As luck would have it, I didn't jump into another relationship with an alcoholic (my new man has a beer maybe twice a year?). As luck would have it, I didn't jump into another relationship with a manipulative control freak. But I could have.

I don't regret it. We have a great relationship. HOWEVER, he's got to be the most patient guy on earth (and I include those Indian gurus sitting on spike mats in that statement) because dangit, I haven't been easy to be with. Mainly because I still react to HIM as if he was AXH sometimes.

For example: AXH would deliberately punish me by ignoring my birthday because he knew it was important to me to celebrate and he knew it cut me to the core if he didn't acknowledge it. So when my birthday came around and my new man was out of town and in a knock-down, drag-out negotiating meeting all day (and I KNEW all of that) and he didn't send me flowers or a cake or promise to take me out to dinner when he got back -- I thought "he really doesn't care about me. He's deliberately hurting me."

He wasn't. He was just flipping busy, and when he returned, it was with the perfect birthday celebration, a few days late. But my first reaction was irrational and completely colored by my dysfunctional marriage to an A.

I'm telling you the story because I would have liked to sort that kind of BS out BEFORE having to expose someone else to it. Now, I don't know if that's possible -- if maybe you'll always have to adjust your reactions in a new relationship -- but it's exhausting and tiring and wearing on that other person. I'm glad we are together, but I wish I had been healthier before we got together.
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