Supporting a recovery?

Old 09-02-2013, 02:58 AM
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Question Supporting a recovery?

Hi, I'm new here, I tried posting in the newcomers section yesterday but my post was way too long. I guess I needed to type.

I have some questions. Have there been many stories of friends/family supporting alcoholics, them recovering and the issue being permanantly resolved?

I love my boyfriend. I'm guessing this will sound like 'same old story', but we really are very good together, when he's sober. When he drinks he gets careless and angry and insulting.

I never, for months, tried to put any forced rules or 'ultimatums' down. I thought that'd make it worse. Yesterday, after the night before's mess, I'd had enough. I told him I think he's a functioning alcoholic, that I don't think he'll get anywhere without help. I told him I've decided I don't want any alcohol in my life at all, me not drinking nor anyone very close to me. I told him it was up to him if he wanted to stay or not with that, but that's where I want to be now going forward. I told him if he did want to be with me, I didn't think he could do it without resenting me if he didn't get help, from alcoholics support.

He said he wants to stay. He said he's had enough. He rang a helpline. They told him to ring a local centre, which he will today after work.

As an aside, the helpline (given to him by his doctor) suggested instead of drinking to relax he try taking a relaxing bath - I thought, are you serious?? You really think this is so trivial and easy to change as 'oh I'll just take baths instead'??

Anyway, thanks for any readers.
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Old 09-02-2013, 03:50 AM
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Hello afla, Welcome!! Glad you found us, but so sorry for the reason.

Yeah, the whole "He'd be perfect if only....", "Why doesn't he see what he's doing?", "How can I get him to stop?"

The utterly sad and stark reality is that an active alcoholic will only stop drinking if and when THEY decide they need to stop. Those of us who love someone who struggles with addiction learn about detachment and boundaries. In other words, what sort of behavior are you willing to put up with?

I found SR one night because of my stepson. Eventually, my then boyfriend (now husband) and I learned to stop enabling and to protect ourselves. It took a few years, but my stepson now lives and works in another state, and is, to the best of our knowledge, sober.

I hope your boyfriend follows through with the phone call to the local centre and that he grabs hold of recovery with both hands.

Welcome, again!
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Old 09-02-2013, 05:01 AM
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Yea, I'll admit that I have to laugh at the relaxing bath concept for alcohol withdraw!!
Obviously, the person is a novice.----Yeah---relaxing bath + horse tranquailizers.....

Seriously, though, I hope he follows up and gets the help.

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Old 09-02-2013, 05:13 AM
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sounds good for starters

Originally Posted by afla View Post
He said he wants to stay. He said he's had enough. He rang a helpline. They told him to ring a local centre, which he will today after work.
sounds like he is taking some positive steps
not sure if he has one
if not
pick him up an AA Big Book
or he can get one at an AA meeting (highly recommended)
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Old 09-02-2013, 07:15 AM
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I told him I've decided I don't want any alcohol in my life at all, me not drinking nor anyone very close to me
I think you sharing your honest feelings with him about what you DON'T want in your life took allot of courage, and a major step for your future happiness in life.

Now what HE chooses to do or not do about that is all on him.

Your job now is to focus on you and what your next step might be if he does not follow up and seek help for himself. What is your plan to remove him from your life should be pick up and drink again?

I think learning as much as you can about what real recovery looks like would be a good start. Often they announce they will stop, they make a few phone calls, they attend a few meetings and realize they are not ready and they drink again. Its at that point in time where your "strength" must come forward for you and your life.

One fact you should not ignore is.....was he an alcoholic when you met him and fell in love with him? Was his drinking issue there long before you came along, probably. We use terms like "functioning" in order to make the situation not as bad. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and although he may hold a job today alcoholism almost certainly guarantees that, that won't be the case in the future if he continues to drink.

Try and check out some al-anon meetings in your area and read through the numerious threads here, educate yourself as much as possible about the disease, about addicts behaviors and what real recovery looks like.
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Old 09-02-2013, 10:58 AM
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Thanks for the post. I'm new here too. Hopefully your bf is serious about the change he says he wants. I find it helpful to vent once in a while, study and read a lot and wear myself out with a good fulfilling day. Learn about alcoholism and don't sacrifice your desires because of his drinking. I know I was exactly in your position once and made the wrong decisions. I obsessed about her drinking, general apathy, etc. I too said 'we are great together when she is sober' and 'this is the time, she is quitting' I got her to detox and then rehab. She was out for a week before she went back to being my 37 year old child of a wife. I believe AA, NA, and Al Anon can work if the person is willing to work the plan. Don't be too let down if he isn't as serious about it as you had hoped. Take this with a grain of salt and I hope you can both find peace.
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Old 09-02-2013, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by afla View Post
I have some questions. Have there been many stories of friends/family supporting alcoholics, them recovering and the issue being permanantly resolved?
Welcome, afla. There may be a few of these stories...you'll have to read through many threads to find them. However, I caution you to not use the word "permanently", because alcoholism is a life long condition. It requires not only abstaining from alcohol, but changing one's coping skills and perspectives to live a healthy life and have successful intimate relationships. This is pretty huge for most folks.

Maybe start by reading Under the Influence, a great book about how alcohol affects the brain and body. You can find excerpts here at SR, too.

Knowledge is empowering, so spend some time really understanding what your boyfriend is going through, and the implications of it on your life and future plans.

Good luck, and keep coming back!
~T
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