Roxxxy

Why do I keep running in circles? Within the last year I've managed to get myself in a few pickles. Ok.. I admit a year ago my life was boring so I blurred out in thin air to let something exciting happen.. ANYTHING.. I pleaded! Turns out it back fired one me. Word of advice.. be careful for what you wish for!

I managed to get myself in a 12 month abusive relationship with an alcoholic.. I cut him off.. the next 3 months my anger and resentment towards him continued... blah blah blah.. I'm now over it! Hooray. However, I then managed to get myself involved with a guy that I dated for 4 months.. he was sweeter than sweet.. he would bend over and backwards for me although turned out he's a nymphomaniac, alcoholic, drug addict, cheater and liar. He's well off in money and used it to buy my affection. I admit, I took advantage of it at times. I got attached to him and wanted more in a relationship but all he wanted to do was sleep with every pretty girl he laid eyes on.

Where am I now in life? To a point of feeling completely lonely and hopeless. To top it off, my best fiend is moving to WA by the end of September and now I'm really feeling more than alone. What am I doing wrong? Why do I keep repeating the same cycle in guys I date? I don't get it. Maybe I should move to WA too, you think the guys there are better quality? lol

LoveMeNow

Healthy people attract healthy people. Sick people attract sick people. Until I worked on me, I kept making the same mistakes.

soberhawk

Making mistakes is human, you recognize them and correct them.

You should be proud of yourself.

I do hope you will have more luck.

Roxxxy

Thanks to your comment. It makes sense... it actually makes 1,000% sense.. if that makes sense?

So, I have questioned on what is making me unhealthy mentally these days. My answer revolves around the last 15 months of my life. I have managed to get myself involved with two guys who were extremely toxic for me. Why? Whether or not I knew they were alcoholics, drug addicts nymphomaniac, cheaters and liars, it's obvious that only a sick person would allow themselves to go through that misery. Therefore, I'm on a mission to getting healthy!! Amen.

ZenMe

it may also be that you are repeating a learned pattern from childhood, so I would look there too. Examine family relationships. If you moved to WA the same thing would happen with the next guy. With your best friend moving and you feeling alone you may feel like clinging on to the next guy you meet as a way to deal with the loneliness. Watch out for that pitfall.

Take a break from dating and explore yourself.

honeypig

Roxxxy, maybe check into Alanon to see if you can use that for help. Whether or not you're actually involved with an addict of any kind right now, you likely have at least some of the same problems/characteristics as Alanon folks. Personally, I think it's a pretty good basic program for just LIVING.

Anyway, that would be one way to start addressing these issues, and it doesn't cost a lot or require insurance or a doctor in order to get started. Maybe give it some thought...?

Roxxxy

Hi, thanks for your comment. I think me clinging onto guys has to do with growing up without a father. My father passed away when I was 5 months old. My mother never re-married or dated and male relatives were in the picture yet I had managed to distant myself from them growing up. I believe I may have done this due to the fact of fearing them leaving me like my father did. At times I see myself doing the same thing with guys who take a interest in me, I push them away before the relationship has even started. The last guy I dated, who was 12 years older than me, and who I knew for 5 years, I looked up to in some ways as a father figure. I became very attached and addicted to him. After our blow out with each other this past weekend, he is no longer in the picture. I'm sad yet relieved because he was one of the guys that was toxic for me.

ZenMe

Another thing I'm working on which may be beneficial to you is the concept of people/relationships that feel "familiar".

Say I meet a new girl, and I instantly feel connected, it feels familiar, comfortable...this is a red flag for me because if it feels too familiar, it means it fits in with the way I was brought up.

So I'm meeting new people, and if they feel foreign to me I'm willing to explore and grow that relationship. In my quest to learn that there are other ways, healthier ways, to create relationships with people.

Roxxxy

Honeypig, looking into Alanon doesn't seem like a bad idea. I'll look into it, thanks!

ZenMe, your concept with people relationships sounds good. My social skills are good. However, I have high expectations with people I meet in general (friends, relationships, acuitances) and when my expectations with them arn't met, I get highly disappointed and freak out as if it's the end of the world. On top of that I have bad impulsive behavior and a short temper. Despite these charastics of mine I have managed to hold a handful of lifetime best friends relationships. I've always managed to keep detached from acauintaces which works well for me. Yet, within the last 15 months has gotten myself in relationships with two men who were toxic. With that said, even though these two toxic relationships had did me bad, I only learn from them through experience and can change the cycle of repeating the toxic energy. My impulsive behavior can be damaging and dangerous, I'm working in it. My short temper is one of a kind yet exhausting. Someone on this thread posted that I need to forget about dating fir a while and work on myself. They are right!

Roxxxy

Regarding my last post, I implied that my social skills were good. After re-reading what I wrote on having expectations in general and getting disappointed when it's not met, freaking out as if it's the end of the world, impulsive behavior and a short temper lol Geez.. On second thought sounds like I have horrible social skills lol yikes.

honeypig

Isn't it funny what we catch ourselves saying sometimes? I find a lot of times the act of simply writing out my thoughts forces me to clarify what I'm thinking, and many times what I THINK I thought is either NOT what I thought or what I thought was way wrong!

This is OT, but someone here mentioned a site called 750words.com, a sort of daily journaling site, and I tried it for the reasons mentioned above. I like it and use it daily. Just google it if interested.

Back to the main theme of the thread....

Roxxxy

Update: I just recently had a date with a new guy who I have known as a acquaintance for over a year. When we first met him and I started to talk as in getting to know one another. However, my exabf and I got serious and we stopped talking. Anyhow, we recently reconnected and had our first date. Literally, two days ago. lol I admit, it was probably to soon for me to start dating again. After all, my last two relationships were toxic (the last one ending not more than a week ago) and I haven't had much time to heal from both relationship. Then again this guy is a security guard so I figured he was decent. As him and I spent a evening together catching up and getting to know one another, he shares a little to much information to me in which I questioned why, because it was information that you would normally want to tell anyone on a first date. Though he did, I took it as RED FLAGS .. so bless his soul. What did he tell me? That he used to be heavy into drugs, it began at age 12, and that he's been clean for three years. I was like.. Ummm good for you being clean for three years. But what I was really saying to myself... oh heck not another toxic guy! The date ended well but I'm not interested in daring him or maybe even keeping him as a friend. I thought about giving him the benefit of the doubt but I really can't continue to allow myself to be around this toxic cycle. Even though he says he's been clean for three years I would feel uncomfortable just knowing his past. Does that sound bad?

honeypig

I don't think it sounds bad at all, Roxxxy. To me, it sounds like you're learning to pay attention to red flags and your gut feelings, something I wish I had done myself 19 years ago when I met my A.

And I think that yes, a week is probably not enough time after ending one relationship to be thinking about starting another. You've done well in being able to step back and go "no, probably not THIS guy", but maybe even go a bit farther and just be YOU for a while, not part of a couple but just you, your own self. Getting comfortable w/who you are will go a long way towards making sure that when you do get involved again, it will be out of choice and not out of some internal or external pressure or a fear of being alone.

Again, congrats on what you have learned and the progress you've made in being able to step back from this guy and say yeah, it was a pleasant evening but that's all it was. Good job on not jumping back into the same cycle!

funkynassau

Roxxy I got entangled with an friend who I did not know was an alcoholic, and it took me a few months to figure it out. I'd never had such a friend before and didnt know anything about alcoholism. The light bulb went on and I knew I had to get away from him. He kept doing stupid, terrible things and in the end I went no contact with him. He was a friend, not a lover, spouse or partner. I was in a whirlwind for a couple of months after I stopped talking to him, it took that long to stop spinning and be able to think about what happened. It wont happen again.

Good luck to you!

Tuffgirl

I'm with Zen on this one - usually I "fall" for men who whirlwind pursue me...and this time around, have been slowly getting to know people. Emphasis on slowly. The ones who try to push things get nixed early.

It's sometimes uncomfortable, but a refreshing change to relax into it all and let things take their own course. To just flow with it. And it allows me to get to know men through their actions over time, not just their words in the beginning.

That said, you mention being bored and looking for excitement. How about getting excitement from other activities that don't involve dating? It is my perspective that if we feel bored, it is because we have allowed ourselves to become boring. Try a new class, hobby, sport, etc. Work on yourself, deal with the emotional issues that steer you to damaged goods to begin with. Take some time out of a relationship to actually learn what healthy ones look like.

lizw

I reckon Men were an addiction for me and still can be but I got a lot of help and understanding in SLAA.

And it is true that men can certainly provide relief and entertainment to the boredoms of everyday life!!

However it has taken me a long time to learn that any relationship based on relief or boredom is bound to fail.

It's a new experience for me learning to be another persons companion and friend rather than using them as a means to make me feel better.

ZenMe

Also he might be a cop, a security guard, a bus driver, lawyer, judge, etc a guy's profession doesn't make him decent, loving, compassionate, etc.

If you really want to give yourself the space and chance to really change your patterns and grow I would suggest bagging dating for a while. This security guard was a fairly easy guy to dismiss, the toxic guys you fall for probably come wrapped up in a more shiny package than a security guard and won't be so easy to spot and dismiss. These are the ones that you become wrapped up with and then you find yourself back in a bad relationship.

NYCDoglvr

When I finally understood my own part in the disastrous relationships I had, realized I chose alcoholics instead of healthy men, I started recovery. What has worked is the Steps in Alanon and Cognitive therapy. I've seen big changes in my relationships.

Roxxxy

Thank you to everyone for all your comments of great advice! Since my last post of my date with security guard, I have been taking the time to sit back and do whats best for myself, which is taking care of me, avoiding any toxic energy. I've kept it casual with the security guard. Him and I talk and hang out every once in a while but friends is what it is. It turns out that he's just a really nice guy. My "best friend" that I talked about earlier in this thread is no longer a true friend of mine. It's a long story, but turns out that her toxic energy (in which I always knew she had) was just another weight bringing me down. It's sad how the friendship ended but for the best.

To some of you who have read my recent posts, I know it may seem like I'm a total basket case. However, it's no secret that I have my faults and is far from being perfect. These last 15 months I feel like I've been tested for whatever reasons... with getting my self involved with an alcoholic, to another alcoholic & substance abuser, and to a ending best friend relationship. I feel like I have lost so much becoming hopeless. Then I remind myself that loosing the toxic relationships and energy was the best thing and I did myself a favor.

Yet, at times I do question if it's me with getting myself involved with these contentious cycles of toxic relationships that eventually end? I have come to the conclusion that YES it is lol. I guess my whole life I have allowed myself to get involved with people who have major issues. I mean we all have issues but I mean people who have issues beyond issues. I guess you can say my insecurities within myself and the fear of being alone in life is what has made me vulnerable.

Anyhow, I have been doing good lately by just taking time for me. I haven't been worried about nothing and is enjoying the peace around me.