Kimmieh

This site has been the biggest support during my time of living with an active alcoholic. I was comforted by the shared experiences and empowered by speaking out the ugly truth of living with alcoholism for the first time. I would read about stories and paths and recoveries and relapses and I was awed and touched by the honesty.

Whenever I read a story, I wanted to happen what the OP wanted for him/herself to happen. I understood that someone wanted to stay because during all those years here, that is what I wanted.

But recently, as I read the stories, all I want to scream is "NO"! It's almost a rage. I have determined that my ABF and I need to separate. He is far away and he is in recovery, but I don't want to go back. I am not sure what came first, my (fairly sudden) realization that it's really over or my visceral reaction to the stories I read.

When I first joined people told me to run, but I wanted to make it work. I often thought "how insensitive to tell people to run when they clearly love the person and want to stay."

Now I almost go into a rage when I read stories told by amazing, strong, wise, and compassionate women and men who struggle with an alcoholic partner. Where I used to see strength while coping with an alcoholic, I now see so much loss. I want to tell everyone to RUN, don't do it, live YOUR life, be HAPPY, be CARED for (by yourself and, if you want, a partner), be light-hearted, and first of all, live a life without perpetual stress and fear.

Reading stories of dealing with the alcoholic don't make me feel comforted and inspired anymore. They depress me and make me mourn for all the loss of happiness.

So I guess I am trying to say that I am officially apologizing to those who told me to run and who I considered insensitive.

fourmaggie

well, we have been there...thats why we say RUN!"WE" try to support people that these alcoholics and addicts take HOSTAGEs...and boy, its a hard long road to get "us" back after a few years of HE!!.

i am going to a FAMILY REUNION, where one way or another we still have alcoholics or recovered As in the family and alot of us who NEED AL ANON...i am in AL ANON for over 4 years now, and being with this family 1 day...i still get the "crazies"..LOL.

i now know better...i can only handle what i can handle...one day!!!

honeypig

Kimmieh, thanks so much for this thread. I think it's really important that you posted this. You are SO RIGHT, it is hard to hear what people say to you when you're new here. We think we are unique, OUR A is "special" somehow, and we are exempt from the stuff that happens to everyone else. My case will be different, b/c I really love my A. How can people give me such crazy advice? They don't know ME! They don't know my A!!

It takes time to teach us that we are NO DIFFERENT AT ALL. Sad but true. Some of us pick it up pretty quick. Some of us take a lot longer. All depends on the person and the situation; there isn't a right and wrong way, so far as I can tell.

The one thing that is truly different, I think, is what we choose to do once we face the truth, and that is as it should be. Individual people, individual choices.

Thanks again.

keepurchinup

As I continue to read others struggles & losses, I know without a doubt I will be gone from this dysfunctional lifestyle very soon, I lived it as a child & had no choice in the matter, I will not live it as an adult nor have my family subjected to it either.

When I read those "RUN" posts it helps me to know I'm making the right decision. How in gods name I didn't see the signs in the beginning is unbelievable.

My AH was so completely different from my 1st husband I thought wow he's full of life, doesn't need directions, a take-charge-kinda guy and based on what his family & friends said, wasn't a cheater (like my X)

Well, that was good enough for me. Cheating was the worst...or was it? Whole new set of problems. I swear I'll never marry again, ever!

You said it, It's such a loss of happiness

Peace be with you, everyone

pookielou

I have had so many family and friends tell me to RUN and I too considered it insensitive. I'm slowly coming to learn that they really care for me and have seen the utter loss of happiness and who I am.

I'm still in the "storm" recovering from divorce from my XAH. When it finalized, I was congratulated yet all I wanted to do was cry. I'm hoping and praying that with time I can look back and realize that Running was the best thing for me. I still struggle with the fear that he will change and be the man I married for someone else. I can't live on hope anymore though given that his actions indicate he doesn't love or respect me anymore. I'm glad you came to your realization. Thanks for your post.

BuffaloGal

I have to stop reading sometimes because it is painful to see people who are just coming to the realization that this is not going to get better not just with their heads, but with their hearts. It's an awful thing to come to grips with. We fight it hard.

I was lucky, sort of, that I had already left my aexh when I found this site. Otherwise I would have been offended with a lot of other newbies. My aexh was such a good man except for the alcoholism. He is intelligent and funny and sensitive (except for the alcoholism) and a good father (except for... yeah, that). The addiction, which seems like such a little blip on the radar when you first get to know him, isn't little at all. It is going to outweigh all the good. The great relationship, the future I should by all rights be able to build with this person, was going to be infected and ruined by the addiction and how it affected his character. There was nothing I could ever do about it. And the old timers here would have known it. They would have understood him and me perfectly from the first paragraph.

Now, when I encounter codependence online or among my friends and family, I think, okay, this person has a life lesson to learn: he or she doesn't understand that they can't make other people be what they're not. But, that's ok, because they will keep finding teachers until they get it. And then, on to the next lesson, just like everyone else.

Perky

Thank you so much for this post... I have finally come to the point that I am ready to leave and I am so thankful for those stories that helped me feel that I wasn't alone. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted (well today I feel that way :-) I too thought my situation was so different at first and I could make it work. I will no longer waste my life on a futile situation and thank all of you for helping me come to this realization.