What do I do, newbie here

Old 08-31-2013, 12:13 AM
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What do I do, newbie here

Hey everyone, glad to have found this site. Im in a marriage to an alcoholic husband, married for 2 yrs, been together 5.5 yrs, found out he had a problem 4yrs ago, been trying to "fix him" ever since. I started going to Al Anon last week and I have learnt I have been a huge enabler which Im disgusted at myself for being, but Ive had no experience of alcohol in my life before my husband came along so didnt know what i was doing (thought I was helping!)

Anyhow, to cut a long story short - hes fully away he has a problem, tried to stop in the past, before I came along and 4yrs ago. He got so bad then was off sick from work and said he couldnt return to work so I was paying the rent an supporting him until he did find work (9 months later) in a different country - so hence we are now living abroad. Now its all happening again - hes got so bad hes off sick from work and feel he cannot go back to work - if he doesnt go back we cannot stay in the country and would have to move back home, we have nothing there tho, neither of us have a job there or a house. My dad would take me in but not my hubby, his mum has said she cant take him in again (shes been picking up the pieces for yrs). She has offered to pay for his counseling treatment abroad and what ever it takes but he has to go back to work. He did go to one AA meeting the other day but cos his mum said he cant live with her then he went to the pub that afternoon!! after 4 days detox as well!!

Im really struggling - I feel I have to help him but i dont know how anymore, Im not sure if i want to stay with him or not, we dont have children which is a good thing and I can see this pattern happening again and again. If he doesnt go back to work in a week or so we cant stay in the country but he has nowhere to live back home. I know I need to stop the "rescue missions". He is depressed and suffers from anxiety (prob from all the drink!) Hes such a negative person and just keeps saying to me "whats gonna happen if i cant go back to work" I dont have any answers for him anymore. Im so filled with anger, resentment, frustration. I dont want him to not work, he gets so bored when not working (weekends etc) so that would be a receipe for disaster! Plus everyone has to work to live!

Just after some advice from anybody really

Thank you! Trying to keep smiling, but its very difficult!
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Old 08-31-2013, 01:31 AM
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Hi, jkej, and welcome to SR. Glad you found your way here, altho it's too bad you have a need to look for a site like this one. I've found a lot of learning and support here, am hoping you find the same.

You have made a GREAT start by getting to Alanon! And please, don't be "disgusted w/yourself" for having acted as an enabler. How could you be expected to just KNOW how to deal w/the disease of alcoholism? We act that way b/c that's how we'd treat a "normal" person who seemed to be struggling and seemed to be making mistakes. It doesn't dawn on us until later, when we start to see the pattern repeat again and again, and get worse and worse, that there's something else going on here. You've made a huge step forward in realizing that there IS a problem and in seeking help for yourself.

You say you feel you "have to help him", but as I'm sure you've heard in Alanon, the 3 C's come into play here: You didn't Cause his alcoholism, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. So think about exactly how you would "help him." You can't get him sober; he has to want that and do that himself. If you continue to pay bills, keep the household running, etc., you are only making it easier for him to continue drinking w/o suffering any consequences (you already know this from Alanon, right?). So "helping him" would mean what?

You need to put the focus on YOU and what YOU want from life. It surely doesn't sound like babysitting an A is filling the bill....Keep on going to Alanon, keep reading and posting here, and gradually your path will become clearer to you. Again, cut yourself some slack for your actions in the past. You didn't know what to do--how could you? But you're beginning to learn now, so just keep moving ahead at the pace that's right for you. Or pause to take a look around and figure out what that next step might be (this was a big one for me, as I always want to charge ahead and fix the problem immediately, if not sooner!).

Take care of yourself--wishing you strength and clarity, and some moments of peace mixed in there too!
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Old 08-31-2013, 07:02 AM
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When I say "help him" I mean he is hoping for me to solve the problem of him basically being homeless if/when we go back home (as his mum wont take him in) My dad certainly wont take him in and i dont see why he should (he will take me as Im not a headache to him) My husband is saying "i will have to live on the streets blah blah blah" Nobody is forcing him to give up work, hes not being fired, hes good at his job, but he just sees one option and that quit work and go "home" wherever home is as hes not really got one. He sees it my responsibility to sort us out a home etc, but i dont think it should be - should it? Hes really got no friends, hardly any family but he has pushed everyone away over the yrs. I kinda feel I "have to help him" as im the only thing hes got, but now im so fed up of him I dont wanna help him anymore
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Old 08-31-2013, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by jkej View Post
He sees it my responsibility to sort us out a home etc, but i dont think it should be - should it? Hes really got no friends, hardly any family but he has pushed everyone away over the yrs. I kinda feel I "have to help him" as im the only thing hes got, but now im so fed up of him I dont wanna help him anymore
If you have not been told this in Alanon yet, I will tell you now: The A is NOT your responsibility. He is an adult. He makes his own choices, however bad they may be. Adults find and keep jobs. Adults figure out where to stay. Why should HE be exempt from these responsibilities and YOU are not? If he has "pushed everyone away over the years", then that is HIS problem. If you are "the only thing he's got", again, HIS problem, not YOURS. (And you know, there is a little thing called AA where he can have more friendship and help than he knows what to do with, if he chooses....)

A book often recommended here is "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. You might want to take a look for that (library will likely have it, otherwise easily available on Amazon) and see if it answers some questions for you. This thread might be good, too. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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