My ah just left for rehab...need advice
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 11
My ah just left for rehab...need advice
So...my alcoholic husband has just put himself into rehab for the first time. I have never been through anything like this before and want to be as supportive as I can for him. I have been advised about Al-Anon and plan on attending the very next meeting I can. I came across this site and here I am. I don't have much in the way of family so I really feel alone in this and need all the support I can get. Thank you in advance!
A little about us:
We have been married for almost 12 years and have a 9 year old son. My husband is not the "Stereotypical" alcoholic. He is the main supervisor at his job, never misses a day, and never late. He is the bread winner of our family. He has never hit me or even called me a bad name for that matter. A side from his drinking we have a wonderful marriage and friendship. He is a great father and can do nothing wrong in his sons eyes. We married when I was 21 he was 29. We drank alot together when we met, but at the time I was so in love I didn't see anything as a problem. Over the years his drinking has progressively gotten worse. I did alot of research and learned there was never anything I was going to do to get him to stop...believe me I tried! I finally gave up trying and it was like watching a car accident unfold in front of me. I am a pre-nursing student so I was always afraid for his health more than anything! He finally hit bottom after a 4 day binder and checked himself into a rehab. He has never been in trouble with the law or forced to get help. He said he was tired of fighting it and wanted to feel healthy again.
I am in the stage of the rollercoaster of emotions. I am so proud of his strength for finally making the decision to get help. I am scared its not going to work. Will I be doing this for the next 12 years? I am happy to see him healthy for once in a very long time. I am sad, depressed, and heart broken all at the same time.
Any advice anyone has on helping me to cope through this stage would be greatly appreciated.
A little about us:
We have been married for almost 12 years and have a 9 year old son. My husband is not the "Stereotypical" alcoholic. He is the main supervisor at his job, never misses a day, and never late. He is the bread winner of our family. He has never hit me or even called me a bad name for that matter. A side from his drinking we have a wonderful marriage and friendship. He is a great father and can do nothing wrong in his sons eyes. We married when I was 21 he was 29. We drank alot together when we met, but at the time I was so in love I didn't see anything as a problem. Over the years his drinking has progressively gotten worse. I did alot of research and learned there was never anything I was going to do to get him to stop...believe me I tried! I finally gave up trying and it was like watching a car accident unfold in front of me. I am a pre-nursing student so I was always afraid for his health more than anything! He finally hit bottom after a 4 day binder and checked himself into a rehab. He has never been in trouble with the law or forced to get help. He said he was tired of fighting it and wanted to feel healthy again.
I am in the stage of the rollercoaster of emotions. I am so proud of his strength for finally making the decision to get help. I am scared its not going to work. Will I be doing this for the next 12 years? I am happy to see him healthy for once in a very long time. I am sad, depressed, and heart broken all at the same time.
Any advice anyone has on helping me to cope through this stage would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
JWH, welcome to SR. Glad you found your way here. Going to Alanon is a great starting place, and I'm happy to hear you're going to attend a meeting soon. The usual advice given about that is to try 6 DIFFERENT meetings before making a decision about whether Alanon is for you or not. Different meetings can have VERY different vibes, so definitely look around for the meeting or meetings that fit you the best.
I found it very helpful to read the Alanon literature also. You can search "Alanon books" in Amazon and find a ton of options, many of which you can purchase used to save some $$. Also, your local library may have some of these and/or be able to borrow them in from neighboring libraries, so you could check some out and look thru before making the decision to buy. (Ms. Bargain Hunter here....)
There are a number of stickied threads at the top of this section of the forum. You'd likely find a lot of help there too.
Since you are a nurse and have read up on all the physical aspects of alcoholism, you know that it's a progressive disease and will only get worse if your AH does not get sober. You know what lies ahead if he keeps drinking.
You're asking if you'll be doing this for the next 12 years. My crystal ball is still in the shop for repairs, so I can't tell you the answer to that. What I can tell you is that if you continue to read and post here, get active w/Alanon and start to put the focus more on yourself, leaving your AH to work HIS own program, you'll start to see what you need to do on a day-to-day basis. No answers for the next 12 years, but answers "one day at a time", like they say in Alanon.
Again, welcome to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity. Please post and let us know how that Alanon meeting goes, OK?
I found it very helpful to read the Alanon literature also. You can search "Alanon books" in Amazon and find a ton of options, many of which you can purchase used to save some $$. Also, your local library may have some of these and/or be able to borrow them in from neighboring libraries, so you could check some out and look thru before making the decision to buy. (Ms. Bargain Hunter here....)
There are a number of stickied threads at the top of this section of the forum. You'd likely find a lot of help there too.
Since you are a nurse and have read up on all the physical aspects of alcoholism, you know that it's a progressive disease and will only get worse if your AH does not get sober. You know what lies ahead if he keeps drinking.
You're asking if you'll be doing this for the next 12 years. My crystal ball is still in the shop for repairs, so I can't tell you the answer to that. What I can tell you is that if you continue to read and post here, get active w/Alanon and start to put the focus more on yourself, leaving your AH to work HIS own program, you'll start to see what you need to do on a day-to-day basis. No answers for the next 12 years, but answers "one day at a time", like they say in Alanon.
Again, welcome to SR, and I wish you strength and clarity. Please post and let us know how that Alanon meeting goes, OK?
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
While he is in rehab. Do something for you and your kids. This is the perfect time to learn about the disease and get healthy yourself. Typical alcoholics or not..there's an effect that it has on the family.
Be greedy with exploration and best of luck to yall
Be greedy with exploration and best of luck to yall
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by JessicawithHope 
Will I be doing this for the next 12 years?
Ask me how I know? I have my husband's ex wife to talk too and she has seen him recently at his drunkest and we both know that if he doesn't stop, it will kill him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 11
Thank you all for your support!
Honeypig-Thanks for the alanon info. I do plan on jumping in on this. I am realizing how I am co-dependent and how this has effected me in ways I was completely blind too.
Thislonelygirl- I am definitley focusing more on myself and at first its been a little weird. Not having to constantly worry about someone else, but myself and son? Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
BoxinRotz: Hairless gorilla wearing lipstick was hilarious! but I totally get your point...That is my worst fear actually. It took him 10 years to finally go to rehab.
Honeypig-Thanks for the alanon info. I do plan on jumping in on this. I am realizing how I am co-dependent and how this has effected me in ways I was completely blind too.
Thislonelygirl- I am definitley focusing more on myself and at first its been a little weird. Not having to constantly worry about someone else, but myself and son? Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
BoxinRotz: Hairless gorilla wearing lipstick was hilarious! but I totally get your point...That is my worst fear actually. It took him 10 years to finally go to rehab.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Or.
Posts: 109
I had the same feelings that you are experiencing. My AH went into rehab and I was resentful. I am also an alcoholic. What that did for me was to open my eyes to my drinking problem. I am 29 days sober and our relationship has been great. Go to family therapy with your AH and learn about this disease. Get support from people who have been there and understand you emotions. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband with a serious problem. You can both overcome this and be a stronger family. Best wishes.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
It sounds pretty stereotypical to me as my AH is a 'functional' alcoholic. Congrats on the fact that your husband placed himself into rehab. It does progress and gets worse without help. Right now, my AH is an active alcoholic and yes, it's progressively been getting worse through the years. He still gets a ton of work done, doesn't miss days, etc. but the alcohol is killing him.
When he works on being sober I sometimes go through a lot of unexpected anger and don't know how to deal with it. The rollercoaster of emotions sometimes blindsides me. I've been learning how to take care of myself first and trying to teach that to the kids as well. To talk with God, sleep well, eat well and have fun. To appreciate the joy in life. I recently heard about and started looking into binaural beats. We downloaded Steven Halpern's "Sleepscape Delta" and "Deep Theta" albums and amazingly enough, it seems to be helping us sleep better and deal better with life during the day.
Being sober and having a working recovery plan are two different things. It's important to have your family involved in that recovery plan. Nutrition can also help. Alcoholism & Other Addictions
Wishing your family the best, one day at a time.
When he works on being sober I sometimes go through a lot of unexpected anger and don't know how to deal with it. The rollercoaster of emotions sometimes blindsides me. I've been learning how to take care of myself first and trying to teach that to the kids as well. To talk with God, sleep well, eat well and have fun. To appreciate the joy in life. I recently heard about and started looking into binaural beats. We downloaded Steven Halpern's "Sleepscape Delta" and "Deep Theta" albums and amazingly enough, it seems to be helping us sleep better and deal better with life during the day.
Being sober and having a working recovery plan are two different things. It's important to have your family involved in that recovery plan. Nutrition can also help. Alcoholism & Other Addictions
Wishing your family the best, one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
The difference for me from what you describe is that my AH was not nice, supportive, kind, or any of those things when he drank. And he wasn't those things when he didn't drink. He was abusive and rageful and very damaging.
I ran away from my 20 year marriage a year ago last July 4th, and my divorce was final this past June. For me, leaving this marriage was my salvation. There are many here on SR who have had similar abusive marriages where alcohol was one of the precipitating factors, often lighting the fire on a wick of bad behavior.
BoxyRotz wasn't kidding when she said that her AH is a "hairless gorilla wearing lipstick". She means that her AH is so out of control and destructive to himself and those around him that it is like living with a huge strong violent jungle animal who cannot hear, listen or behave in any rational way whatsoever and is a walking emotional and physical devastation machine. What she has gone through - and is going through - is a tragedy without much hope for a good ending.
From what you say, I think you can have a lot more hope than many of us. You describe a very decent loving man who, despite his alcohol use, doesn't appear to have descending into the pit of alcoholic destructiveness.
If he truly commits to recovery and works a strong program each day for the rest of his life, your family may be able to survive and thrive. Many alcoholics do recover and sustain recovery. People who post here on Friends and Families come when they are in crisis, as you are, so you don't see as many long term success postings because those people no longer need this site.
You've gotten lots of good advice here, and we're all sending you hope and hugs.
ShootingStar1
I ran away from my 20 year marriage a year ago last July 4th, and my divorce was final this past June. For me, leaving this marriage was my salvation. There are many here on SR who have had similar abusive marriages where alcohol was one of the precipitating factors, often lighting the fire on a wick of bad behavior.
BoxyRotz wasn't kidding when she said that her AH is a "hairless gorilla wearing lipstick". She means that her AH is so out of control and destructive to himself and those around him that it is like living with a huge strong violent jungle animal who cannot hear, listen or behave in any rational way whatsoever and is a walking emotional and physical devastation machine. What she has gone through - and is going through - is a tragedy without much hope for a good ending.
From what you say, I think you can have a lot more hope than many of us. You describe a very decent loving man who, despite his alcohol use, doesn't appear to have descending into the pit of alcoholic destructiveness.
If he truly commits to recovery and works a strong program each day for the rest of his life, your family may be able to survive and thrive. Many alcoholics do recover and sustain recovery. People who post here on Friends and Families come when they are in crisis, as you are, so you don't see as many long term success postings because those people no longer need this site.
You've gotten lots of good advice here, and we're all sending you hope and hugs.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
I think it says a lot about your husband that he saw his need for rehab & wanted to be healthy. He is the only one that can change his drinking & it being his idea is a great step. In my experience, the addiction will always be there. The key is him having the tools, strength & support to say no.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 11
Thank you all for your words of encouragement! It means so much to me right now. My husband is sweet and kind still, but don't get me wrong his alcohol progression has been the hardest part of my life. He is passive and has isolated himself and our family in the process. He is extremely negative and I am an optimistic. So its always a challenge. We have one son and he is almost 10. My ah is a wonderful father, but has refused to have more children because of his alcohol problem So my son and I have suffered tremendously because of alcohol, but I also see the positive side and I know that it could be a lot worse. For that I am greatful and pray that he gets the help he needs. So we can all start moving forward and begin the recovery process and start moving forward. Thank you again for all of your responses. I deeply appreciate them
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Jess,
My AH is sweet n considerate too. He's sensitive and charming. A great guy with a wonderful*job. He has enhanced my life and I can honestly say, he's truly lovely... until he twist the cap off the vodka bottle. Once that happens, my wonderful, caring, sweet n supportive husband is nothing short of a condensending PR*ck with a whoa is me attitude n our life goes straight to hell.
I've watched this get worse n I could have and even did predict what he did. The only thing that could have made it worse was if he took an innocent life out with him. I am grateful he did not. What he did do was devistate us financially with outrageous medical bills, screwed us out of insurance money so we can would live because he was drunk at the time, and almost sent me to the Looney bin taking care of him with a brain injury with massive head trauma and to top it off, being a beligerant drunk.
I did things for him that would blur the line of enabling but I had to save his job n do the FMLA paperwork so he could have medical coverage so he could be treated. I bathed him every day in my kitchen sink. I fed him. Cleaned the house and I worked full time. I cut our bills down as much as I could and he thanked me by sneaking out and buying more booze. He fought with me because I forced him into the hospital in handcuffs. I had drs questioning me on why I did not bring him in sooner. I let his dirty little secret OUT!!! His brain was bleeding and the alcohol was causing it! I could not stop him.
And now, he says, I really messed up. Yea he did but when you get down to it, Are ya gonna fix it because I can't!!!!
You wanna pass some time, go ahead and read it. Click on my name and go to threads started by me. It's the BIG one, My husband was in a motorcycle accident.
My AH is sweet n considerate too. He's sensitive and charming. A great guy with a wonderful*job. He has enhanced my life and I can honestly say, he's truly lovely... until he twist the cap off the vodka bottle. Once that happens, my wonderful, caring, sweet n supportive husband is nothing short of a condensending PR*ck with a whoa is me attitude n our life goes straight to hell.
I've watched this get worse n I could have and even did predict what he did. The only thing that could have made it worse was if he took an innocent life out with him. I am grateful he did not. What he did do was devistate us financially with outrageous medical bills, screwed us out of insurance money so we can would live because he was drunk at the time, and almost sent me to the Looney bin taking care of him with a brain injury with massive head trauma and to top it off, being a beligerant drunk.
I did things for him that would blur the line of enabling but I had to save his job n do the FMLA paperwork so he could have medical coverage so he could be treated. I bathed him every day in my kitchen sink. I fed him. Cleaned the house and I worked full time. I cut our bills down as much as I could and he thanked me by sneaking out and buying more booze. He fought with me because I forced him into the hospital in handcuffs. I had drs questioning me on why I did not bring him in sooner. I let his dirty little secret OUT!!! His brain was bleeding and the alcohol was causing it! I could not stop him.
And now, he says, I really messed up. Yea he did but when you get down to it, Are ya gonna fix it because I can't!!!!
You wanna pass some time, go ahead and read it. Click on my name and go to threads started by me. It's the BIG one, My husband was in a motorcycle accident.
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