DashRiprock

Hi Everyone. I've been reading these posts for several months, and appreciate the help and support. I knew sooner or later I'd post, so here I am.

Lived with wife almost 6 years, married just over two, been on the roller coaster ride of abuse, denial, rehab, promises, etc. same old story. We don't have any kids - she has two that live with her ex.

I've been hitting Al-Anon at least once a week since November, and it has helped me immensely. I read some every day, and have learned how to control my reactions, set and enforce boundaries, put the focus back on me, etc. I also read words of wisdom here when I need some. I'm living in my parents house now after too many boundary violations, and enjoying it. I stay busy, work hard to get back in shape and enjoy life again. It's been about 3-4 months, and i can see life getting good again down the road apace.

Although I'm out of my house, I pay the utilities, her health care, and cut the lawn. I have continued to give her the $250-300 a week for my share of the mortgage and other expenses. She lost her job last month and wound up in rehab.

Now I find out she just started seeing another guy - and that's the last straw. She actually had me house sitting last weekend while she was away (that was planned months ago) with this guy(she just started seeing).

Im going to file for divorce; I don't want anything but the dog and my personal property, clothes, etc.

I'd just like to hear from others who have been in this position. Although she's unemployed, I don't see why I should give her another dollar. I feel like she is 100% not my responsibility anymore. Your thoughts?

Thanks so much!

Dash

BoxinRotz

Well Dash... If it were me, no kids involved and I knew the other was getting laid n I wasn't, I'd cut'em off too. Yeah, I would. Go get your dog n yer **** n tell the dude, SHE's ALL YOURS!

That probably isn't the best answer but it's my answer.

DesertEyes

Hello DashRiprock, and welcome to SoberRecovery,

Been there, done that. My ex was seeing _three_ guys when I finally hit my own "bottom".

Congratulations It took me a lot longer than you to make that much progress, you get well quick.

I can't comment on your situation as I am not a shrink. All I can provide is my own experience.

When I married my wife the vows we made were that each of us would give 100% to the marriage. When I finally figured out what was going on she was no longer giving 100%. It seem to me that she abandoned the marriage long before I noticed. Since she was not interested in making an effort, there was no reason for me to participate in a one-person marriage.

The general suggestion around here is to not make any big decisions of that nature without first consulting an attorney. Just because that is all you want does not mean that is all she is going to give you. My experience is that alkies can change mood / personality in an instant. A lawyer can help you get a divorce that really is fair to both of you, and make sure that there are no "loose end" that can surprise you some years down the road.

I'm sorry that you ended up here on SoberRecovery. Nobody arrives because their life is wonderful. Still, welcome to the "club".

Mike

DashRiprock

Thanks for your responses. I'm struggling with issues like:


When should I move my stuff out?
Should I let her know first or just do it?

I never broke up with someone before. So I Guess I don't know how it's done.

I don't want to punish the alcoholic; I just want her out of my life, and emotionally, I'm absolutely ready for that to happen.

Dash

LifeRecovery

Dash-

I started to heal from the alcohol when an affair came to light in my relationship. The alcohol use has been harder for me up until this point in time to heal from, though just recently I am really feeling how betrayed about the affair I feel.

All of the pieces you are asking about, do they have to be decided today? I suspect they do not. I often do this as a way of "doing" something so I do not have to "feel" something.

There is support around affairs in a similar way to SR for addiction. Have you found any support yet on that side?

I helped myself the most when I took care of me. The first year when it all hit the fan I was so WORRIED about my exAH that I really was still focused on him. How bad he must have been feeling to have done this to me etc.

Hugs. This is hard stuff, but it has been worth it for me in the return.

love4menotu

Hi Dash-

What I do with questions like that....

What is the motivation behind the action? Is it to hurt or harm?

If there is no intent to do either, then the action is good for me to take.

and...

What action is the best for me now? Would this action make me regret my behaviours at a later date?

I just don't want to look back and have regrets about how I acted.

This situation is no longer about her... or hurting her.. but how you treat yourself and value your integrity as a caring, loving human being.

I've had to call the police on my stbxh. I did not want to do it. But I had to stop his verbal and emotional abuse from happening again, in front of my children. It was what was best for me and the kids, and I do not regret taking action against his abusiveness. It was for me, the end of my marriage. For good.

Hugs,

Lyn

fourmaggie

your question have many validations here!

and YOUR CHOICE when you see fit...
I would seek out an attorney 1st thou...and put more
"reality" in place...

congrats on your recovery and so LOVE YOUR BOUNDARIES!!!

DashRiprock

Thanks all.


I'm definitely not trying to be spiteful or hurtful - I think to an fault - because the reality is that some other man is spending time in my house with my possessions. He can have the house and the wife - good riddance! but I want to get my stuff out, and am trying to avoid a scene with STBXAW.

Maybe this is the courage part of the Serenity prayer I need to work on a little more! Why should I worry about upsetting her when, after supporting her for all these years, she decided to take up with some guy she met in rehab?

Ugh.

One Day at a Time!

fluffyflea

Well if you are ready go for it. Consult a lawyer and you are under no obligation to tell her.