Elis

We have a 4 year old daughter together. She lives with me and AEX has been awarded supervised visitation twice a week - but he rarely sees her. Of course, he blames me for his lack of time with our daughter. If we did not have a child together, I would cut off communication completely. When AEX asks me a question about our daughter, I answer it. I don't respond to most of his texts because he is just quacking. But when I have to tell him something like our daughter is sick or we need to find a new therapist for her (she is autistic), he ALWAYS turns the conversation into what a b*$&^ I am and how I won't allow him to spend time with his daughter. It drives me nuts. He will send text after text telling me that he is sober (HA) and doesn't need a supervisor and that I am a horrible person for not changing the court order...quack, quack, quack. Is it possible to say what I need to say and be done with it? I am trying so hard not to let his insults and manipulations affect me but they still do. How do others talk to their AEXs about their children without being sucked into the same crap everytime?

Hammer

My version is to tell Mrs. Hammer that it sounds like she is being a little bit verbally abusive and that she should talk with her sponsor about that. In our case it shuts down her nonsense pretty quick. But that is because she routinely lies to her sponsor and does not want the S to know the truth. Kind of sick in its own way, I guess.

But at any rate you do not need the abuse, either. Do you understand he will visit the same abuse on the daughter later in life if nothing changes?

If there is no "grown-up" that your AEX fears finding the truth, I do not think my method would work for you. What happens if you just do not respond to his abusive texts, calls, etc.?

Elis

He is not afraid of anyone finding out the truth because he will simply say that I am lying. He only surrounds himself with other alcoholics. He claims to be working a program but I am sure that is not true and he has never mentioned a sponsor. I know he will treat my daughter the same way - he already manipulates her and lies to her and she is only 4!

When I don't respond to him, he threatens to take me to court to change the parenting plan and tell our daughter that "Mommy hates Daddy". He has yet to file anything with the court but the things he says to our daughter just infuriate me!

Florence

I changed the primary communication format to email where it was all on record in case of further litigation. Once my ex realized that other people could see what he was saying and how -- including his lack of responses and 5-8 day lead times for getting answers -- he started behaving.

A suggestion would be to stop asking for his input and start informing him of what you were doing. For example, "Sally will be seeing a new therapist on Monday. The therapist's name is Jane Doe at 765-555-1234, and Sally's appointment is 8/12/13 at 3pm. If you have any questions about the therapist, please contact them directly. Thanks."

You've done your due diligence and if he has legitimate beef with your choices, put the onus on him to DO something about it other than threaten you.

I'm assuming you have mandated "joint custody" that requires you to inform him of major life decisions regarding the child's healthcare and education. If you don't? Don't even bother telling him about it unless it directly impacts him.