scarlet71

Hello
I am hoping for some clarification, support or something when it comes to the Steps. First some background, my boyfriend and I have been together for 18 months. We were friends in high school and reconnected. We live together and have a pretty good relationship. We got together while he was in rehab and I have supported him and his recovery since day one. I know his sobriety comes first and I have no issues with that. I understand the importance of meetings and his Step work and have never stopped him from his work in AA or his recovery. I understand that without his recovery being number one, there is no us and we have waited a long time to finally be together.
My question is about the Ninth Step. Originally, he told me that you do not harm others while working this step. I had some insecurities about ex's. He assured me he would not be meeting with them because why would he want to hurt me. Recently he was very quiet and upset. I asked him what was bothering him and he told me his sponsor and his sponsors' sponsor said he had to meet up with the ex's on his list, it is the only way for him to truly let go and move forward. I'm not a jealous person. I have never had issues with any of his female friends in AA and feel secure enough with myself and our relationship. For some reason, I am feeling insecure about his meeting with them. He has assured me he has no desire to reconcile, it has to be done this way. I'm not trying to be selfish and another friend of mine who in the program, says he will be a better man because of it but, I'm afraid these woman may feel like the door is open. How do I handle this? I won't stop him from doing the Ninth or make him feel guilty, I just need to know how I feel secure about this and put all my faith and trust in a Step that will hopefully make him a better partner.
Thanks

LexieCat

What program are YOU working? If you have your own to concentrate on, you won't feel as compelled to stress over his. Believe me, there is nothing worse than having someone peeking over your shoulder as you do the Step work. What he does there is between him and his sponsor.

I suggest Al-Anon and your own sponsor. When it comes to "supporting" someone else's recovery, less is more. And your issues with his exes is YOUR issue, not his. You need to get at what is being threatened there and learn to deal with your own resentments.

Welcome, glad you're here.

scarlet71

Thanks for the insight. You seem to think that I am focusing too much attention on his Step work or that I am "peering over his shoulder," you couldn't be more completely wrong. I am looking for a little support here. I don't interfere with his Step work or what he and his sponsor do. He came to me with this, honesty right? I have always let him do his thing and waited for him to come to me. I don't pry, ask, interrogate. He comes to me with any issues that may arise because we believe in honesty and communication. The problem I am having may be my own insecurity, well, I'm only human and as an outsider to the program or "normie", I am entitled to feel insecure. There is no support for us, other than Al-Anon too which I have been and it has been nothing but a negative experience, unsupportive and way too depressing.
I thank you for your reply but honestly, I am just looking to see if anybody out there can understand where I am coming from as a partner. You have judged me and made assumptions. We all feel a little insecure at times, it's just part of being human.

dandylion

scarlet71--I think most people probably have some primitive ickeey feeling about the prospect of our mates meeting with past mates---(I suspect that there is some biological basis for this). So, I think what you are feeling is, to some degree, not abnormal. But--it is just a feeling. You will just have to deal with it--in my opinion.

Either you trust him in your relationship to be faithful--or you don't. Either you are secure in your relationship--or you aren't.

I think jelousy can be very tricky. The first question I would ask myself is "WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? Has he given you a reason to distrust him---or it this arising from your own personal insecurities??

I think that genuine trust is the first requirement in a good relationship--without trust you have nothing. Also, for me--I think that feelings of jelousy are about the most uncomfortable thing we can feel.

What I do know is that--even if you have some uncomfortable feelings---he HAS to do his steps the way he needs to do them. You do, thankfully, realize that his sobriety is first priority.

If he is really a "Good" guy---then this will work out fine. If he isn't---well, then you will find this out--and, then, you will have to deal with it accordingly.

I believe that this is just another of the many challenges of living life on l ife's terms. I hope that you will be able to work your way through. Part of "growing pains" in the course of a relationship.

scarlet, this is the way I look at the issue. I realize that there are others who would not.

dandylion

m1k3

Hi Scarlet, tough question because there really isn't a good answer.

So, because I like a challenge I'll try to answer anyway.

1. I am going to second what Lexie said and recommend AlAnon. It is for people whose lives have been affected by someone's drinking. Even if he has never drank around you, you are feeling the repercussions of his past drinking. This will have an impact on you and your life. AlAnon is a great p,ace to get tools that will help you deal with this as well as met people who truly understand because they have lived it.

2. Right now you are worrying about something that might happen. I know for me it is real easy to get caught up in what might happen in the future, latch on to all the stuff that might go wrong and totally run with it. The thing is none of us know what the future will bring. Search this site and the Internet for articles on detachment. It is a tool that allows you to look at what the situation really is without fixating on any one outcome. I know it has really helped me.

This type of thinking was really alien to me at first, it seemed like I was abandoning some one who really needed my help. But, over time I learned I wasn't, I was really giving them the space to work this out on their own, and to be honest that is the only way anyone can do it.

Read here lots and ask questions when you want. There is tons of wisdom on this site. Also be aware that what works for one person doesn't mean it will work for you.

Your friend,

LexieCat

I'm not "judging" you, just observing. And speaking from my own experience, as someone married to two alcoholics, and five years sober, myself. My point is that the jealousy is something YOU need to address--unless he has given you reason to distrust him, it is based on your own insecurity. It's still YOUR problem, not his. He needs to do what he needs to do for his own recovery. You need to figure out what is driving that, and to deal with it.

Your choice, as far as Al-Anon goes, but Al-Anon is really about the program--the Steps--not the meetings. And your working the Steps yourself, with a sponsor, is a great way to get at those feelings of insecurity.

scarlet71

Thank you all for your advice.

Two of you have asked if he has given me reason to feel insecure about the ex's. Yes, he has. Nothing major, no cheating, just sneaky behavoiur and not being honest when it came to texts, Facebook. I can say, this has not happened recently but it has happened and it has been enough to make we wonder.
It is also important to know that I would never interfere with his work, judge, complain or bitch. I was married to a drunk and I call him that because he has never admitted he had a problem, I won't take myself back to that lonely, chaotic place. Sobriety is my partner's number one and I am okay with that. We have waited a long time to be together and someone, whether it was God, a higher power, fate, put us in each other's path that day. I would never do anything to make him uncomfortable, feel guilty or bad for trying to improve on his life.
I think it was/is I understood the Ninth to be done one way and now, it is being presented differently and I have to accept it, regardless. Who is there to listen to us as partners/wives, etc? yes, there is Al-Anon but my experience has been very negative and I found it did not work for me. I have been doing the Steps through Adult Children of Alcholics and trying my best to understand.
Maybe I'm being selfish. I just wanted to know if any other girlfriends, wives, have experienced these feelings and how they have dealt with it. I know he loves me and I love him. It's just hard sometimes, that's all.

Florence

His step work is not about you. Whatever issues you have around his exes are yours to manage. If he is sneaky, manipulative, or steps over your boundaries, that's another story. But merely meeting with and talking to his exes is not a betrayal. It's important for him to man up to his mistakes, his ill treatment of them, and hear what they have to say about his behavior.

In my experience, when I felt these feelings it's because I was lacking security in my relationships -- either because my partner was distant OR because he was cheating on me. That's for you to discern -- BUT I also question the wisdom of getting into a relationship with someone while they're in rehab and questioning their stepwork while they're in early recovery.

Really, this should be his time to get on his feet and figure out what his new life is going to look like. In my experience, my anxiety around my STBXAH's new sobriety was like an anchor.

choublak

How did this happen?

dandylion

scarlet---did you read my post very, very carefully?


dandylion

I will add this, though---if he is going to cheat--he is going to cheat. YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER THAT. If he does---the question is: what are you going to do?

Tuffgirl

Isn't it frustrating to come here and ask what you think is a simple question and have folks tell you that you need to work on you? I remember how that really p'd me off at first. And then I realized, over time, that they were actually right.

So firstly, welcome to SR, Scarlet.

And secondly, listen to these folks. They are correct that the feelings of insecurity and jealousy come from inside you and it is only something you can fix. And I also wholeheartedly agree that Al-Anon can be a great resource for you. Don't rule it out without investigating it first.

If he says he has to do this, then you need to respect that, regardless of your own feelings about it. This is his journey, not yours. Ok, so that said, how does one cope with their emotions? They accept these are emotions - they are fleeting - and do not require any particular action. You can just feel them, and then let it go. Emotions aren't always rational either, so acting on them can be detrimental to our own well being.

There is a reason why you don't trust this process, so I'd spend some time focusing on that. Let that be your journey - self discovery is often far more interesting than sitting around worrying about other people and future-tripping.

Good luck to you!
~T

Hammer

scarlet -- I would give you another twist on this . . . . you may not feel like you cannot really trust him . . . because you do not really trust him.

You follow? Not saying ANY thing is wrong with you in that.

Maybe listen to yourself? This guy may not be trustworthy.

Trusting someone is ENTIRELY different than being In Love with them.

Like advised about -- I would suggest Alanon. Figure out why you are choosing a guy whom you may have "trust issues" with. If you do not think you need Alanon, now, with picking an A early in recovery . . . when you figure out what THAT really means . . . you will need Alanon, later.

Go. Now.

NYCDoglvr

Lexi is right. Instead of focusing on his program it would be a good idea to start Alanon, which helps us look at our own issues, including projecting and jealousy.

BadCompany

Either you trust him or you don't.

new beginnings

I completely understand and have felt the exact same way you do. The people on this site truly have only your best interest at heart. When they say things it is usually coming from their own personal experiences with all of this.
I know jealousy and worrying about trust are horrible things to feel. And very anxiety provoking. You stated you were in adult children of alcoholics and had a previous relationship with an alcoholic before your ABF. Have you read codependent no more, by melody Beattie? It may help you where you aren't getting what you need from the alanon you tried. I think if you read and read lots on this site, maybe you will understand the meaning behind your feelings and begin to have peace.
I am very very early in my work and my recovery. And I do understand what you are feeling! Your feelings are always justified because it is what you are feeling. I hope you find peace and clarity in journey.

OneNightAWeek

I think part of what your saying is you dont understand why at one point he is telling you he wont contact these exes, and then because of AA and his sponsor, and his sponsors sponsor - they have changed his mind and now he is disregarding the part about not causing harm, and even has been talked into doing something that he agreed wasnt for the best.

I cant answer that, sounds like it was persuasion on the part of the AA people.

I have been to three alanon meetings myself, and I find them negative also, so your not alone there. Im finding a lot more value in talking to the addiction doctor so far. They say try six, but I dont think Im going to go anymore.

It is about trust in the end. But you cant control what these women will do once he talks to them, and how they will take it, how healthy they are, and if they will think the door is open. I mean if they themselves are codependents (and according to alanon they would be, or they would not have been with him) then they have their own issues. They may not want to let him go again, because now he is getting help for himself. You dont know what can of worms might be opened up as far as harassment. But in the end it is still about trust, and if it happens then he has to deal with them, and also show respect to you at the same time. I hope the AA people who are advising him know the whole story with the exes before they make their suggestions / tell him what to do.

At least that is what I think.

AnvilheadII

put all my faith and trust in a Step that will hopefully make him a better partner.

sorry, but that is NOT the point of working the steps....we trust god, clean house and help others so that WE clear away the wreckage of our past and set to rest the issues that made drinking seem like such a good idea. the steps aren't a relationship recovery effort of a be a better boyfriend program. step is DEEPLY personal, like therapy, and even getting to the point of making a list of those we had harmed is huge, becoming wiling to make amends, equally huge...then actually making the amends, takes incredible character.

she may not be interested in meeting with him. if he is going into this with the proper frame of mind, then YOU should have nothing at all to worry about. if you don't trust him, for whatever reason, that is still something YOU need to look at, deal with. the HARM mentioned in step 9 isn't about whatever jealous feelings or insecurities our g/f may have....it's about what irreparable harm may be caused by announcing our deeds. for example, I would NEVER tell my ex husband about sleeping with his best friend....even if my skin was being peeled off.

I suggest you take a few steps back from HIS process. HIS steps. let him know you don't need or want to know all the details, all the inner workings. LET him have this, own this...without you.

scarlet71

You ask how it happened. We ran into each other one morning in a retail store. We are old friends and reconnected. We have been in and out of each other's lives for 26 years. It started as a friendship and developed from there. Our relationship never interfered with his recovery program and still doesn't. I can honestly say, I understand sobriety comes first and never put pressure on him to spend more time with me, guilt him out of meetings or step work. Without his sobriety, there is no us.

scarlet71

To OneNIghtaWeek, thank you for your reply. You obviously got my point. Al-Anon did not work for me. I was looking for hope and understanding and all I got was a bunch of depressed people living in the past. I've tried but it isn't for me. I do see a counsellor and he has been a big help, giving me tools to ease my anxiety.
Other than Al-Anon, there isn't a lot of help out there for us wives/girlfriends. We're asked or told to accept, don't nag, don't interfere, it'll get better, be supportive, allow them freedom. Who is there to ask us if we're doing okay? I understand this is his program, his journey but we are still there and someone needs to say , hey, how are you in all of this.
AnvilheadII I know the Ninth is not about relationship recovery, that is what I have been told by his sponsor, another friend in the program and my BF. He will see his wrongs and be a better BF. Not my words.
I don't understand why everyone keeps telling me this is his program and process. I know this and understand this. I don't ask him about it, pry or guilt him. He comes to me and has been very honest about what step he is working on. Whatever he's doing, he does it with his sponsor and not me. If I am feeling a little insecure or confused about the Ninth, I am entitled to feel this way. All I wanted was clarification or someone to say, it's okay. Why is it so difficult to find support outside of Al-Anon?

honeypig

I thought you DIDN'T find support in Alanon? Didn't you claim it was a negative experience for you and didn't work?

On another note, I think that you ARE receiving support here, and lots of it; it's just that you aren't able to recognize it as such yet. Tuffgirl said it particularly well, I think. Maybe go back and read her post again.

As she said, it does tend to sting when we come here wanting "support" (folks to agree with us) and don't find it. I don't think you'd find a single soul here who hasn't posted something and felt misunderstood and slighted by the replies, then stepped back and thought about things for a while and gone "Wow, that actually makes a lot of sense and I needed to hear it."

Pleas try to re-read and let it all roll around in your head for a while; see if maybe it starts to make sense after a bit.